Too Good At Goodbyes
by Yogalicious
Summary: Casey struggles to get used to a life without Dawson. Sometimes he thinks his life does not have the same value as before. And he begins to wonder why there are more goodbyes than friendships in his life.
1. Chapter 1

Matthew Casey sat at the examination table in one of the ER rooms from Chicago Med.

"Captain I guess you have yourself qualified to be called a regular. – What is it? Third time this month? You should be more careful," Dr Halstead smiled at the firefighter.

Matt just shrugged it off with an, "I guess it comes with the job."

"Yeah! Except for this time, it wasn't your job!" Detective Jay Halstead joined in on the conversation. He was leaning against the wall and looked pissed.

"Yeah, well – someone had to get the girl out. And you standing there doing nothing…" Matt began.

"Whoa! I was waiting for backup. I told you to wait!" Jay took a step forward and he looked like as if he was ready to throw a punch at the injured Captain.

"Enough!" Antonio Dawson, who was coming into the room warned the fighting men. "Jay, you go outside and take the girl's statement. Voight's been asking about it."

The young detective reluctantly left. Dr Halstead looked at his older brother and shrugged. Jay shook his head and made a motion that indicated that Casey was crazy.

"You think I'm crazy?" Matt yelled after him. "Well, I did what had to be done! The girl is safe and alive. Isn't she?!"

"Casey, no one thinks that you're crazy." Antonio tried to defuse the situation as he recognized Matt was about to jump from the table. He stood in front of him and blocked his way. "Sit down! – And let Dr Halstead do his job. You're bleeding, and I have enough paperwork already because of your little daring feat back there at the scene."

Dr Halstead reached for Matt and gently guided him back to the gurney. "Can I take care of this wound now?" Matt reluctantly sat down and sighed.

"So, can you finally tell me what exactly happened to you? Looks like you've been shot at."

"Bullet just nicked my skin. My gear protected me. It's nothing. Just a minor cut." Matt answered.

"Yeah well, it's bleeding. So, I have to place a few stitches."

Casey rolled his eyes and sighed, "I don't need any stitches. Just put some gauze on it. I'll be fine."

"So now you're telling the doctor how to do his job. Seriously, Casey, you have to stop doing this." Antonio said.

"Doing what?!" Matt pointed out," I saved that girl!"

"Yes, you did. But you got hurt doing it. If you would have stayed back and let PD handle the situation you wouldn't be sitting here. Jay had it under control."

"Smoke was turning black. Someone had to get in there and …"

"Casey no one is questioning your ability as a firefighter. But this one wasn't your call. It was Jays! – And he said stay back and wait for backup." Antonio tried to explain. "These drug-dealers are very serious, and they could have killed you."

"They didn't. I had everything under control." Matt said.

"Okay, guys I am trying to work here. So, could both of you two please shut up!" Dr Halstead tried to get Casey's attention. "Matt, can you tell me what exactly happened?" The doctor asked while palpating the head of the young firefighter, looking for other injuries than the obvious wound.

"I am fine!" Casey snapped as he pushed Wills hands away. "Just my shoulder. It doesn't even hurt. Like I said it's just a scratch."

Will sighed, "I'm the doctor, remember? I can feel a lump forming on the back of your skull. Did you get hit in the head?" He was in full doctor mode and pulled his penlight out of his pocket and tried to check Casey's pupils.

"I don't know. Maybe some of the guys hit me during the struggle. It's no big deal. I didn't lose consciousness or anything."

Antonio was shocked overhearing this and huffed angry at his brother in law, "Matt what were you thinking! Running into a Drug-den like that! If Gabby were here, she would kick your ass for doing this!"

As Casey heard his wife's name he jumped from the gurney and just stated," Well she's not here." For a brief moment, he looked very sad and defeated. "We're done here. I'm going back to the station. Thanks, Doc, but I'm really fine. I don't need any head trauma checks and I don't need any stitches. My shoulder is going to be fine." And with that, he grabbed his coat and left the cubical.

Will tried to stop him but couldn't reach him quickly enough and so he just stood there and sighed. "I want you back here after your shift. Understood?!" he yelled after him.

Casey just shrugged and walked out of the ER.

"Casey wait up!" Antonio yelled, "I can give you a ride back to 51!"

Will held the detective back and told him," Make sure the bleeding has stopped when you get there. If not bring him back ASAP. It's not a life-threatening injury, but it could get infected. … And try to talk some sense into him. He's not himself lately." Antonio nodded his head knowingly, "Thanks Will! I'll talk to Chief Boden. Maybe he can get through to him."

 _So this was the first chapter. Hope you liked it. It's my first CF Fanfiction. I guess waiting for the new season isn't enough for my brain. ;-) I am curious what the writers have in store for Casey next season. I think Dawson's leaving should have a great impact on him. He lost so many people in his life and now his true love goes to another country after one little struggle in their relationship. Poor Matthew_


	2. Chapter 2

Matt and Antonio sat in silence next to each other on the way back to the fire station. Casey absently rubbed his forehead.

"A headache?" Antonio asked with a hint of worry in his tone.

"No. I said I'm fine." Casey looked at his wife's brother. "Look, Antonio, I get that you guys are upset. Maybe I jumped a line today, but I couldn't stand there and do nothing. The building was on fire and the girl ..."

"I stop you right there, Casey. I get why you did it. I do. But don't get me wrong "Captain", but it wasn't your call. It was Jay calling the shots. Not you, or any other fireman out there. This was a PD investigation. The scene was not safe, and rescuing was on hold."

Casey didn't like hearing this, but for once he kept quiet. He did have a headache, but he would never admit it. He was tired of arguing and he felt he was fed up with this whole day.

Why did he do it? He asked himself this very same question on the way over in the ambulance to Chicago Med. He knew he messed up. And he knew this wouldn't be the last conversation about this incident today. He could imagine Boden already stalked holes in his office floor.

Matt wasn't looking forward to the talk with his boss. But then again, he was the one who had disobeyed orders. Now he had to face the consequences. He himself had had to deliver speeches to one of his team-members because he or she couldn't handle the tight hierarchy in this job.

This thought brought back memories of Gabby. She did challenge him every single day while she was working under his command. He missed her so much. The worst part was coming home into the silent apartment. He tried to be angry at her at first, but it didn't work. He just loved her. He even told himself that she would be better off without him. He knew he constantly held her back. With his worries and his trying to hold her in check, just to know her safe. Sometimes he wished she wouldn't be so aggressive and fearless - But then again that was what he liked about her in the first place. But these qualities weren't easy ones to be dealt with in a marriage.

Casey was lost in his thoughts as Antonio tipped him on the shoulder. He whined a bit as his wound began to ache because of the touch.

"Sorry," Antonio said. "Did it stop bleeding yet?"

"I guess," Casey responded.

"Matt, I think you should go back to the hospital and get this wound take care of properly."

"It's really fine. Trust me." Casey smiled at Antonio for the first time this afternoon. "You sound like a mother hen."

"I am worried about my brother in law. Am I not allowed to?"

"Hmm I even don't know if I am your brother in law at that time," Casey mumbled.

"Are you still married to Gabby?" Casey nodded his head slightly. "Then you're my brother in law. Look Matt, Gabby's going to come back. She's just processing what happened this last two years. She'll be back. You'll see."

"Antonio no offence, but I really can't talk about your sister right now. I've got enough going on today with this whole mess. And I'm having to face my boss in exactly five minutes. Because the minute I walk in there, he's going to call my name from inside his office through the whole station. Believe me, this is going to be a long lecture."

"Don't tell me about it. My boss is Hank Voight." Dawson exclaimed.

"I've got nothing to add to that." Casey shook his head.

Antonio grabbed his car key and shoved it into his jacket. "Come on. I join you. Maybe I can defuse the bomb called Chief Boden a bit."

Casey got out of the car and walked side by side with the Detective into the station. He could already hear Boden call out to Conny, "Is Casey in yet?!"

Matt took a deep breath and nodded to Conny, then said," I'm here Chief."

"Shut the door behind you." Boden was clearly angry, and his voice sounded determined.


	3. Chapter 3

Casey stepped into his bosses' office and saw his colleagues ensembled near Conny's place. They all looked worried and Kelly Severide wanted to step forward, but Casey closed the door.

Antonio sat down at the back of the room and didn't say a word, only nodded at the Chief briefly.

Boden stood in front of Casey and asked, „What did the doctor say?"

Casey looked at him and told him the same sentence he told before, „I am fine. Just a scratch. Nothing serious."

Boden turned around. Dawson could clearly saw a flicker of relief flushing through his face. He stepped behind his desk and was about to say something, as Casey started, "Look Chief, I know what you're going to say, but let me explain beforehand."

Boden looked at his former Lieutenant, now sporting a Captains badge, "Casey you can't know what I'm going to say because I don't know what I am going to say. What you did today was so out of line, that I can't even begin without sounding like a father who's scolding his teenager."

Casey turned his gaze to the ground. Boden sat down on his chair and took a deep breath.

"And the worst part is, this isn't the first conversation we're having about this issue. Have I not told you exactly five days ago I won't tolerate disobedience in my unite?" He looked at Casey, who just stood still and didn't even flinch. "Didn't I!?"

Casey now cleared his throat, "Yes. Yes, Chief. You did."

"And what did I say about the consequences?"

Casey began to feel panic rising up, "Chief, you can't suspend me because of this. I did nothing wrong. The girl is alive. And technically I didn't ignore an order from you. PD was in charge, ..."

Boden had heard enough. He slammed his flat hand hard against his desk. "I am always in charge! Out there I am, and only I am your Boss! Understood?"

It seemed like Casey's look brushed right through Bodens'.

The Chief again raised his voice, "Understood? - Casey, do you understand this? - If not, you can walk right through that door and apply for another unit. Am I clear?!"

Casey swallowed as Boden once again asked him in a stern voice, "Is this clear?! Do you understand me?"

"Yes chief. I hear you loud and clear." Casey stressed his answer.

Boden took a deep breath and went on with a lighter voice, "What were you thinking, Casey? You could have been killed! This isn't some game, ..."

"I didn't think..." Casey tried to argue but was cut off by his boss once again. "Exactly! You didn't think! Our job requires clear, rational thinking. You just ran into this situation without any thought about any possible outcome what so ever. This isn't how a Captain does his job." This one shook Casey to the core, and he closed his eyes for a brief second to find his composure again.

"Believe me, you got lucky on so many levels today." Boden said, "You're lucky I am not going to suspend you. I don't know what the PD is going to do about you. I am done helping you out. This time you have to deal with it yourself. "

Antonio who was listening to this whole preach chipped in, "I'll handle Voight. He's my problem. Jay on the other hand, ... it wouldn't hurt if Matt's going to apologize to him. After all, it's his ass on the line. He has to do the report."

Casey sighed and sounded reluctant as he said, "I'll talk to him."

Boden nodded thankfully to Antonio, "Thanks, Detective. I appreciate this."

Then he looked back at Casey. He let his eyes wander over his Captain, who he knew for many years. He looked tired and beaten. Boden knew he was struggling through Gabriela's departure. He also knew that Matthew Casey was a fighter. He's been through so many hard times and despite what destiny threw upon him, he always bounced back and showed up for work. The Chief knew he had to be patient once again with his subordinate. But he also knew that being a friend and being a Chief couldn't go hand in hand. He had to be careful and show consistency. He wouldn't - no! he couldn't tolerate such reckless behavior in one of his men.

Boden looked Casey straight in the eyes "As for now, Herman is in charge of the truck. And you will listen to him. In the firehouse and out there on the field!"

Casey looked shocked, "Chief! Come on. You can't be serious."

"You know what, Casey, keep talking and you'll see how serious I am."

Casey flung his hands in the air, "So basically, you're not suspending me, but you're stripping me of my rank. I'd rather be at home doing nothing, than..."

"What was that? Are you really trying to push me? Believe me, Casey, I am this close to question your ability to wear a Captain's badge."

"I saved that girl today. And now I'm being punished for it? She's alive because I took things in my hand. So, I took a risk, but it paid off."

"We're firefighters, Casey! We try to eliminate risks in our daily job. Because people die in that kind of profession every day. You want to be a superhero, be it in your own free time when your colleagues are not forced of getting you out. End of discussion."

Casey huffed, "Am I free to go now?"

"Depends, are we clear on this, how things are going to be from now on?"

Casey couldn't bring himself to form an answer, so he settled for a slight head shake.

He turned around and walked out of Boden's office. He quickly made his way to his office and tried to avoid any eye contact with his colleagues.


	4. Chapter 4

Kelly thought for a moment to run after his friend but instead, he made his way over to the chief's office. He was curious about what had just happened in there. As he saw how Casey was storming out of the office, his concern for him rose, and he feared for the worst.

He entered without knocking.

Chief Boden was sitting on his desk and looked angry and sad at the same time.

"Kelly, I don't want to talk about it." he addressed his Lieutenant.

But Kelly wanted answers "Did you suspend him?"

Boden just held his hand up in the air to stop Kelly. "Oh god! Did you fire him?" Kelly was terrified to hear the answer.

"I said I am done talking." Boden's look was stern, and he just shrugged with his shoulders.

Antonio who was at the back this whole time stood up and joined the other two at the Chief's desk, "No, he's not fired or suspended - yet. But Herman's in charge of the truck for the time being."

Severide felt relief instantly wash over him, but he also felt bad for Casey. "Chief that's going to kill him. Casey's a leader. He needs this kind of control, now more than ever. I know what it's like to have to step down in your own unit."

Boden looked at Kelly and said, "Well, then he should act like one. This wasn't the first time Kelly and you know it. Hell, last week it was your own team who had to get him out of trouble because he wouldn't listen to me, you or anybody. He's like this lone wolf - doing whatever the hell he wants to do, without looking at any consequences."

"He's a good Captain. One of the best I've seen. He's just trying to get over Dawson. He's lost and hurt. He needs this job."

"Don't you think I know that? - I do! And I sympathize. But what's too much is too much! He almost got himself killed today. I am not taking any more chances. Casey has to get back in line."

"Chief he needs this …" Kelly tried once again.

"Enough Severide! I've made a decision. Maybe you don't like it, but you have to respect it. And to be clear, I didn't suspend him, so that we could keep an eye on him. Because I know exactly how much this job still means to him. Don't think I am not aware of how bad he's been these past few months."

Kelly sighed "I still think he should stay in charge."

Antonio cleared his throat, "It was a pretty close call today, Kelly. You weren't there, but Casey wouldn't listen to anyone. He crashed into this drug-den…," Antonio paused for a moment and continued, "… like he didn't give a damn."

Severide turned to Dawson and asked, „So, what are you trying to say? That he's suicidal? That's ridiculous."

"That's not what I was saying." Antonio clarified

"Yeah well, it sounded a lot like it." Kelly huffed and turned on his heels and stomped out of the office.

Boden pinched the bridge of his nose and let out a deep sigh.

Antonio turned to him, "He's just trying to defend his friend. He's worried. He'll get over it."

"I know that." Boden stood up from his desk and made his way over to the door and shut it. Then he asked, "What did Halstead say to you?"

Antonio grinned and just asked, "Which one? Detective or Doctor?"

"I think I can guess what Detective Halstead has to say about Casey for the time being. I meant the Doctor."

Dawson thought for a moment and then said to the Chief what Will had told him.

Boden sighed," Well, I think after today's shift someone has to check up on Casey, because I doubt he's going to Med, for this follow-up, on his own."

Antonio tried to calm the situation. "If it's any relief, I know, the bleeding has stopped when we arrived here. I don't know about the head injury. But Casey's a tough guy, with an even tougher skull."

"Maybe I'll have Brett check up on him by the end of the shift." Boden thought out loud.

"That sounds good. I think he'll be okay with that. I have to get back to the district, Chief. And let me say this one: You've handled this situation as good as any of my best bosses would have handled it. Don't beat yourself up about it. Don't get me wrong, Casey's my brother in law and my friend, but he needs to get back to his old self."

Boden tried to smile at that, but Dawson could feel his insecure.

"Keep me posted!" Antonio said while leaving the office.

Boden sank back in his chair and took a deep breath. He wasn't sure if he did the right thing. Casey always had been a great leader and he had nothing than respect for this man. Maybe he was too hard on him. Maybe his lieutenant was right, and this decision was a bad move. But then again, he couldn't let Casey go without a clap on the hand, so to speak. He had to face the consequences for his actions this last couple of weeks.

He once again took a deep breath and made his way out to the other members of 51. He was sure some of them tried to get Severide to talk about what had happened. He couldn't let the grapevine spread any more than it already was blossoming in his house.

"Okay! So, everybody! Listen up!" Boden said as he stepped into the kitchen. He let his view wander around the room, making sure Casey wasn't there. He knew that if he had, he might have to tackle the subject differently. All eyes were on him. He also recognized the absence of his Squad-Lieutenant. Deep down from his heart, he hoped Severide was with Casey.

"What's the word, Chief?" Herman asked in proxy of the whole gang.

"First up I want to inform you, that Captain Casey is all right and it was a minor injury he sustained during the call this morning. Second, I decided to take Captain Casey out of his duties as Commander of truck 81. He's going to stay on truck, but Herman is now acting command. Any questions?" He looked through the room.

Herman stood up. "Yes, Herman?"

"Äh chief, for how long is this "arrangement" going to last? I mean Casey's the Captain, right? He got to keep his rank, doesn't he?" Herman was worried, he was afraid this would strain his relationship with Casey.

"Casey is still Captain of 51 and he's going to pursue his duties as one. That's why he'll keep the bunk-office. But as for now, on truck, he's under your command, Herman."

Herman sighed, "Oh boy! That's going to suck!"

Boden looked at his old colleague, "You've got any problem with this decision?"

"No, Sir. It's just ... Casey's a Captain and I don't know if he's going to accept me as the one calling the shots. Not right now, anyway."

Boden looked at Herman and asked him, "Did you take the Lieutenant class?" Herman nodded yes. "And did you pass it?" Herman nodded again. "Then now you can act as one. - And as for the timeline, it depends on your Captain. - So back to work."

"Yes. Sir." the crew mumbled.

Cruz and Otis stood up and clapped Herman on the shoulder, "You've got this! Don't worry," Otis said.

"I'm not so sure about that." Herman didn't look pleased at all. Mouch, who was sitting on his favorite spot, turned around and smiled at Herman. "Aren't you happy you passed that Lieutenants test after all?"

"Shut up, Mouch!" Herman huffed.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter V

Severide felt angry and agitated. He made his way towards Casey's office. He wasn't sure about what he was going to say to his old companion. He even wasn't sure about talking to him in general. Matthew was a very private person, he didn't talk about personal stuff on a daily basis. They had a few intimate moments when they talked about their feelings, but never too revealing. As he arrived in front of the office, he noticed the blinds were shut. He wasn't surprised at all. Matt clearly wanted his space for now. Should he ignore it? Would it even help anyone if he talked to his friend? He thought it definitely would help himself. He needed to know how Casey was doing after that shitty day. Was he angry, sad or even devastated?

He knew he himself felt angry. He was angry at Boden for doing the right thing, even if he disagreed. He felt angry at himself because he should have seen it coming and should have done something to prevent it. He sure was angry at Casey for being such an idiot. And last but not least he felt the biggest anger towards Gabriela Dawson. She was the one who was responsible for this whole mess.

Severide knocked on the door, waiting for Casey to say something. But behind the door, it remained silent. He knocked again and shouted, "Casey? - Hey, are you in there?" Nothing. He opened the door and glanced briefly into the small room. However, there was no Casey to be found. Severide was a bit confused. Where else could he be hiding?

He went into the locker room when he heard someone in the bathroom.

He tried again, "Casey, are you there?"

During entering the W.C. area, he heard someone puke and flush the toilet. Severide wanted to sneak out there before Casey would see him. But he was too slow. It felt like he'd been caught snooping, as Matt looked at him in astonishment.

Casey nodded at Severide and made his way over to the sink. He splashed some water on his face and tried to avoid any more eye contact with Kelly.

"Hey man, you're okay?" Severide asked.

Mat cleared his throat and answered, "Sure. Why wouldn't I. Bullet didn't really hit me." He inspected his shoulder-wound in the mirror, "Doc didn't even had to place stitches. It's all good and taken care of."

"Good," Severide tried to sound casual. "That's good. But I meant because of the retching," he clarified.

Matt shrugged and explained, "It's nothing really. My stomach's been acting up a little. I guess too much smoke inhalation this morning during the rescue. No big deal. It'll pass."

"If you say so," Kelly hoped that Mat was right. "About today..."

"Look Kelly I appreciate your concern, but I don't want to talk about it. I am sure you know by now that I am no longer in charge of the truck. ..."

"Yes, I know … It sucks, Man! - Boden's out of his mind. Matt, you should talk to him, apologize. Say you acted out of line, … that you know you've disobeyed orders. Tell him you're sorry and it won't happen again... you know how it goes."

Matt was flabbergasted. He would never have guessed that Kelly Severide would take his side. He thought everyone would agree with Boden. Hell, would it have been reversed, he wasn't sure if he would be very understanding. But then again, the Chief and he had always been in agreement in such matters. They've always had a similar leadership style. Kelly's was more instinctive and compassionate. Matt tried hard to eliminate his feelings from work and to follow the rules and orders. He was raised that way and it helped him through tough times in his youth.

He did ask himself the question, why he had such a hard time these past couples of weeks to get his job done as calm and steady as always. He recognized the change in his behavior. He did and it kind of scared him. He couldn't get a hold on it, why he was acting so out of character lately. He also had a hard time admitting it if someone was questioning him about it.

"I can't, Kelly."

"Why not? You know that what you did was wrong in order of work-politics. Antonio told me you didn't listen to the cops. It wasn't your place or time to make the call, and I know that you're aware of that."

"But I did the right thing and I am sick of it, that everyone is talking about the chain of command, but nobody is addressing the fact that I saved that girl. Shouldn't this get more value and attention than the fact that I disobeyed an order."

"Casey, are you really asking this question? How long have you been a firefighter? This is how it roles. Chain of command is our life-raft." Severide was shocked by what he heard coming out of his friend and colleague. "Maybe Boden's right after all." Casey heard him mumbling.

"Oh whoa! That was quick." Matt huffed.

"What?" Kelly asked a bit pissed.

"You're taking my side and turning against me the next second."

"Sorry, Matt. But you're an idiot …. and an ass. If you seriously think anyone in this unit is actually against you, then I say you've got a real problem going on. Because then you're just crazy."

"Don't bother, you're not the first Person who established that today." And with that Matt walked out of the bathroom to the office quarter.

Severide was stunned and didn't know what just had happened. Five minutes before, he just was worried about Casey, now he kind of was angry with him and felt totally misunderstood. But this was how it often was with these two alpha dogs. They both didn't listen or couldn't communicate right. Severide and Casey, both could be very stubborn and often their arguments ended in a standoff.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter VI

The rest of the shift`s evening went by without any troubles. Casey hid in his quarter-office, and no one had the guts to call him out on it. Herman was glad it was this way. This whole thing, with being his boss's boss took its toll on him. He felt nervous and insecure. He actually was glad that they hadn't had a call since he was "promoted". And he feared the moment when the bells would go off.

And then it happened.

At around one thirty in the morning, truck and squad, along with the ambulance were called to a car accident midtown. The tension was high as Casey sat in the back with Kidd and Mouch, while Herman sat on the Lieutenant's seat next to Otis.

Mouch leaned closer to Kidd and whispered, "Bet, you wish now you wouldn't have stepped down from the drivers-challenge back then." She just glared at him.

Herman tried to fill the awkward silence: "Okay guys, listen! I know this feels wrong. Casey, I hope you know I am not trying to steal your spot here. I was ordered to..."

But Matt cut him off, "Herman stop right now. I get it. It's the Chief's decision. You're the Lieutenant of truck 81. I get it, don't worry. Let's just do our jobs."

"Thanks, Captain. I hope you guys are ready, this one looks bad."

There were four cars entangled into each other and a Bus was laying on its side. It looked like a war zone. People were screaming and some of them were bleeding. Police cars were standing on each corner, trying to get a hold of the ongoing traffic.

Casey jumped out of his seat and began calling out orders to his men. He stopped midsentence when he recognized Herman was looking at him stunned. "Sorry, old habit" he mumbled.

"Okay. Let's do this!" Herman now began to shout his orders. Casey was grouped with Kidd and had to get people out of the Bus.

He did as he was told. He didn't stop for a minute. He tried to rescue all of them. It was a big bus from outside the country. People were taking their vacation and now they tried to survive. In the back of the bus, he found a little hand sticking out from under what felt like thousands of luggages. He first pushed aside the big packages to get closer and then tried to lift up, what was covering the body.

"Kidd, come here. I found a little boy. He's not breathing." Stella made his way over to Casey, "What is it, Casey? Oh God!" she cried out. "Let me help you." She also tried to remove luggage after luggage away from the little form in front of them.

Finally, they got the little boy out. Casey held him close to his body as he made his way out of the bus. He looked for an EMT. "I need a paramedic - STAT."

Brett and her partner came running towards him. "What's the status?" she asked.

Casey who already started with CPR didn't reply. He frantically tried to save this young boy's life. "27 - 28 - 29 - 30", then he pushed two breaths into the little body. After that, he started doing compressions again. Brett let him do it, but her eyes welled up as she knew they couldn't help the boy. He probably was gone in the instant the accident had happened. His little head rolled suspiciously easy from one side to the other. But Casey couldn't or wouldn't see it. Herman stood beside Casey and recognized Brett's attitude. "Casey," he tried to address his man, but Matt was too busy trying to save this boy's life. "Casey, hey. It's okay, let Brett take over."

Casey let go of the young boy and stepped one step aside. Brett tried to check the boy's pulse and looked inside his eyes. Then she turned to Casey and shook her head. Casey leaped forward and pushed her aside, starting to do compressions again. A tear rolled down Brett's face as she tried to talk, "I am sorry." She touched Casey's shoulder, but he shrugged her off violently, and she fell to the ground. Everyone stood stunned. Herman was the first one to help Brett get off the ground. Chief Boden saw the whole incident and made a step forward, but Herman stopped him. He gave him the "I've got this"- look, and Boden stayed back.

Herman let Casey do the CPR routine one more time before he stood in front of him and stopped him by taking his hands in his. "Casey, you did well. He's in a better place now."

Casey looked at this little boy's face and it instantly reminded him of Louie. He was about the same age and he had the same hair color. His skin tone was a bit lighter, but this could have been because he wasn't alive by now. His lips wore a deep blue shade and his eyes stood wide open, looking at Casey with a lifeless look.

He looked at his hands which were entangled in Herman's, - shaking. He threw them in the air in shock. His eyes wandered around the scene. He saw Brett, who was trying to clean dust off from her uniform. He instantly felt bad about kicking her out of the way like he did.

He recognized Boden in the back, analyzing him. He saw Kelly, who stopped what he was doing and was now looking over. Concern plastered all over his face.

His breathing sped up.

Herman sensed his agitation, "Okay people, back to work! There's a lot to do."

And they did. Casey tried to forget the little boys face, while he helped the ones who still were alive.

When they got back to the station he felt exhausted and ready to fall asleep. He took a long shower, trying to scrub off the memories from this call. He knew he couldn't have saved that kid, but he also felt guilty for not being there earlier. He should have checked the back of the bus right away. Maybe this little kid would still be alive.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter VII

Their shift was still going for another 2 hours. After his shower, Matt tried to sleep. He tossed and turned, but his mind wouldn't allow him taking any rest. If he wasn't thinking about Gabby, he got reminded of other people who had left him at one point or another.

Like his sister, to which he barely had contact. It didn't feel wrong to him, because their relationship hadn't been an exactly warmly one during their childhood. The actions from their parents and of course, especially their mother's doing, left a rift between them.

Matt had stopped, a long time ago, to try and figure out why he had to go thru all this during his early life. At one point he didn't even care about his family anymore.

He lost touch with his sister. Not that she was willing to take a part in his life back then. She did make it very clear, early on into the trial of their mother, that she didn't want anything to do with her again, for the rest of her life. If it meant she wouldn't have contact with her only little brother, who was willing to stand next to his mum, "then so be it", she had said. Of course, it had hurt Matt back then, but at that time he had bigger problems to deal with than to fight with his, what looked like, the only sane relative he got left.

His father had passed away. His mother was in jail and he found himself in a very dark place. Guilt and mourning paired with incomprehension made a nasty cocktail of anger and despair. He, at that time, was a young man on the verge of becoming an adult but because of this incident hadn't the luxury of coping with puberty properly. He acted out. A lot. He got into fistfights and tried to bottle the feelings down, such as shame and guilt his mother had dumped on him.

In retrospect, Matt never really dealt with this story properly. Hallie did call him out on it once when they had an argument about not being honest with each other. She even had predicted, that this would come back and haunt him for the rest of his life if he would refuse to talk about it with someone. He got so mad at her for bringing it up, that he left for the whole night. He was roaming around the streets that night, ending up at the cemetery by his father's grave. He missed him then and he missed him now, but the memories of his old man got clouded in the years passing and Matt sometimes wondered if he had ever known the man at all.

Casey realized he wouldn't get any sleep, so he made his way into the kitchen. Mouch was sitting in his spot dozing. The TV screen lit the room in various colors. Matt took a step to the coffee-maker and poured himself a cup of the dark liquid. Because not getting any sleep didn't mean he wasn't tired like hell.

He took his coffee and stepped into the hallway and saw Brett coming out of Chief Boden's office. Matt felt a sinking feeling in his stomach. He knew he had to apologize to the blonde paramedic at some point, for pushing her to the ground at that rescue scene.

There it was again, that feeling he knew so well. Guilt.

Brett recognized him, "Hey Casey!" she addressed him and smiled while making her way over to him. Matt's first instinct was to run back to his quarter-office, but he stopped and turned his gaze to the ground.

"Can I talk to you for a moment? It won't take long, I promise", Brett said.

Casey smiled and tried to get this over with, "Look, Brett! I am very sorry for pushing you out of the way, but I didn't realize how hard it was until I saw you get up from the ground. There's no excuse for that. I am deeply sorry."

"Okay. Thank you. I appreciate that. But that's not what I wanted to talk about." She looked at him for a split second and went on, "But I guess you can do me a favor ... I mean you did push me ...and I think I am getting a bruise on my ... you know where." Brett felt bad for building into the Captain's guilt, but she saw an opportunity to get the Chief's order done quicker.

Casey looked baffled at here but agreed, "Yeah! Sure, whatever it is, you name it."

Brett sighed in relief, "Chief told me you've got hit in the head by one of the Drug Dealers earlier. I'd like to check for any neurological symptoms. It'll be quick and if nothing's suspicious, you don't have to go to Chicago Med after shift."

Matt furrowed his brow, but eventually, he accepted the offer.

Brett lead him to the ambulance and had him sit on the stretcher, then she pulled a penlight out of her kit. "Look up for me, please," she checked his pupils and asked, "Any headaches, double visions, memory loss?" He shook his head. "That's good," Brett assured him. "Any nausea or emesis?" Matt recalled his encounter with Kelly in the Bathroom earlier but decided none the less to just lie to her. "No. Nothing. I'm really fine like I told the Doc and the Chief hours ago."

"It's just a precaution. You know the rules, Casey." Brett smiled at him.

Matt rolled his eyes, "I do. It seems, everyone's addicted to them here, lately."

Brett took out the blood pressure monitor, "And you're not "Captain Casey"?" she emphasized the Captain.

"I guess", he sighed.

He let her take his blood pressure and pulse. "PP is a bit elevated, but I guess that's because we're all a bit stressed after that last call."

Casey shrugged. Brett cleared her voice, "Can I look at your shoulder now?"

Casey took off his shirt and tried to straighten up.

"Whoa Casey, that's a nasty bruise on your side there," Brett called out as she saw the blue and red spot on the Captains ribcage. It covered most of his left torso. "I bet it hurts like hell."

"No, it's not so bad. Just aches when I laugh. … Perfect that there isn't much laughing going on in my life right now, don't you think," he tried to crack a joke about it.

Brett sensed his sarcasm but addressed the issue none the less, "Casey if you want to talk about Dawson, ... or anything. I am a great listener... and I am really good with secrets either."

Matt blocked her right away by holding his hand up, "Don't! I am ok. She's gone, and I have to accept that." Brett looked sad all of a sudden. He tried to read her and finally said, "We all have to."

Brett sighed, "I know." She probed his left side when he suddenly hissed in pain. "Does it hurt?" Brett asked even if she knew the answer. "No," he answered out of habit. "Not too bad," he clarified as he saw her look of disbelief.

"Firefighters and their pain tolerance," she huffed. "I think you should get an x-ray done. Maybe you've got a cracked a rib."

"Nah! I'm good." Casey started to put on his shirt again.

"Not so fast. I'll have to check this one first," Brett said while taking off the gauze from the shoulder wound. "Looks infected. It's red and swollen. Does it hurt, or does it feel hot?"

"A little, I guess. Look, Brett, I am used to this kind of injuries. I am a firefighter and we tend to get hurt on the job now and then. It's no big deal and it won't affect me at work, so please could you report to the Chief that I am good to go."

Brett sighed at Casey, "I don't know, Casey. You've got a nasty bruise, maybe a rib fracture and this wound need proper treatment. I don't get it why the Doc didn't stitch it."

"Brett I am telling you it's ok. I feel fine. Besides, you should check me for neurological symptoms. My head is fine. So, don't worry, you're covered." Matt threw a big grin at her.

"Why is it so important to you to act like you're not hurt?" The paramedic asked bluntly.

She didn't know if she was talking to him about his injuries or because she knew he had been hurt by Gabby's leaving.

Casey thought for a moment, "I guess I just enjoy doing my job, putting everything on a map while saving lives. Today I saved that girl, even though I got hurt in the process, it was worth it. She was worth it. "

Brett looked him in the eyes, when she asked him, "And your life isn't?"

Casey was taken aback by that question, "What is this? A psych consult?" he asked sternly.

Sylvie tried to smoothen things out, "No. Of course not. I didn't mean to throw you off guard. I am just worried, that's all."

"And I'm telling you, that you don't have to! Nobody has to. I'm just doing my job, and everyone is nagging about it." He looked Brett in the eyes and firmly said, "All you have to do is to report to the Chief that I checked out fine, and that there aren't any neurological problems and that I can do my job." He felt bad for addressing her like that, but he was tired of getting the sorry looks and good advice on how to do his job.

Brett felt personally attacked. All she wanted to do was help but these guys around here wouldn't let her. Every time she tried to reach out to someone she got smacked on the head, at least that's what it felt like.

"You know what, Casey. I am sad," she stated. He looked baffled at her. He wasn't expecting this kind of reaction. "I am sad and angry and hurt!" she carried on. "And guess what! I think so are you!" She poked him in his left ribs, to prove a point. "Ouch," he howled and stammered, "O... Okay."

"I love Gabby. I do. She's like a sister to me, but she's also an extremely self-absorbed... bitch." She let out a huge breath, which she didn't know she did hold in since Gabby left.

Sylvie rambled on, "I mean we were partners. She's supposed to tell me when she's not coming to work one shift. … But what did Gabby do? …. She quit, without even saying anything. Nothing. Not even a call. She just vanished." Sylvie was furious now, "I don't get her. We did great together. … I was a good partner. I let her blow off steam whenever she had to. Hell, I had to go back to school, because Gabby didn't know when to shut up. I had to deal with a lot while being her partner. You can't imagine how much strength it costs to have a partner like Gabriela Dawson on this rig."

Matt did not know what to do while Brett poured out her heart. He glanced at his hands and remained silent. He let her talk because he knew how she felt.

He himself was at a loss for words. He couldn't even muster one decent sentence about this whole mess. He didn't know if he was angry or sad or hurt, just as Sylvie had pointed out earlier. The only thing he knew for sure was that he still loved Gabby, sometimes it seemed he loved her even more now that she was gone.

He missed her every hour, every minute and every second of every day since she left for Puerto Rico. She did call him a few times, but reception was bad and so it wasn't worthy to try and have a satisfying conversation about the "Why" and "How long". They only tried to reassure one and another that they still loved each other. What a waste of time, Casey had thought back then, after the call got interrupted. All he wanted to say was "Come back! I need you. I can't live a day without you!" He remembered the time he was trapped in this fire. Not able to breathe, not able to see anything except dark smoke and bursting flames around him. He claimed she was his miracle. He did mean every word that day, at that moment, and he still felt it, the miracle Gabby Dawson was to him. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to black out Brett's rambling speech. If he hadn't made it out of this fire, he wouldn't have to face the joke which his life had become.

Suddenly he heard, "Matt, I am so sorry. You're not the one who should listen when I'm going all psycho about your wife's leaving."

"No. I guess I shouldn't", Matt mumbled. "I don't know what to say to you, Brett. I'm not the right person, I guess. I do understand you though. Maybe you could talk to Kidd or Herman. I don't know. I'm just not ... the right person."

"I totally understand that, Casey. Believe me, this was a one-time inappropriate crazy weak moment. I am done. I've got nothing to add." She nervously packed up her things and tried to smile. "Hey, Casey, I've got an idea." Sylvie didn't know what she tried to accomplish, but she said, „Shift's almost over. Maybe we should get a bite. Some ham and eggs ..." Matt looked stunned at her. "... or just coffee," she went on. Matt know looked at her like she was going mad or something. So, she got even more nervous. She packed up his wound and tapped him awkwardly on his chest, as she realized he still wasn't wearing his shirt. She got mortified and told him, "You know what? You're probably tired. I'm sorry I didn't think of that. It was a long day." She faked a yawn and tried to sound serious, "I am dog-tired. I'll probably sleep the whole day."

"I guess that's a good idea," Matt told her. He looked at her and grinned. Sylvie jumped out of the ambulance and tried to straighten her shirt as she said, "Okay. I think we're done here. You're good to go." And with that, she turned around and more or less fled to the kitchen, where everyone was packing up for the day.

Matt put on his shirt and made his way to his office. He didn't know what exactly had happened back there, but he was glad Sylvie would report nothing too bad to the Chief. He got lucky again. He winced at that thought.


	8. Chapter 8

_First I want to thank all of you, who take time reading my little fic. I am very grateful that I got so many great reviews already._

 _I try to keep writing at an acceptable speed because I know how frustrating it can be to wait for updates._

 _I'm extremely happy about the fact that some of you like my style of writing. It's hard for me because English isn't my first language and it requires a lot of work to get a chapter done. Hopefully, I can improve and if you guys detect anything that is really badly written please let me know._

 _So, have fun with the next chapter._

* * *

Chapter VIII

Casey slept for about three hours before he was cruelly woken up by some nightmare. He tended to get these whenever he was stressed about something.

They normally involved a death of a loved one. The very first nightmare of that kind he experienced the day after his father's murder, followed by many more.

One time, after Andy's death, he was getting especially bad ones so that Hallie got him a prescription for sleeping pills. She assured him that it was a perfectly normal reaction of his mind to the trauma and that he shouldn't be ashamed for needing some medication helping him get through it. He never took one single pill. He never even got the prescription filled.

Later on, after her passing away, he saw Hallie in them too.

A few times they would remind him of people he once knew, even if it seemed like only for a split second in his lifetime. People like Jones or Katya, who he knew he let down, as a leader and as a friend. He couldn't deny it that he did fail them at some point or somehow in their lives.

Sometimes he just re-lived these tragical deaths all over in some way. Or, if it was particularly bad, he was the actual source of their deaths. He got used to it, and it didn't affect him as bad as it used to in the past. But what still bugged him, was that he couldn't shake off this guilt-ridden feeling.

He knew falling back into sleep wouldn't be an option at that point, so he stood up and got himself ready for a run. He hated running. It was boring and mind-numbing. Now it was the perfect distraction.

It was freezing out there, and he could feel his lungs constricting with every breath he made. His whole torso protested against this violation. But Casey kept on running. He ignored the stabbing pain in his shoulder and the sore rib.

He let his thoughts wander.

How did Dawson and he end up here? Why didn't she love him as unconditional as he loved her? How was it possible for her to leave him? He shouldn't have stepped up against her, regarding the baby-issue. He should have accepted her wish, maybe she wouldn't have left him.

He thought about their first baby, which according to Dr Halstead never existed at all. He got mad at that thought. How couldn't there have been a baby, when the joy he and Gabby felt was so real at that time?

He loved the idea of becoming a father. That's all he ever wanted in his life. To become a better dad, than his father was for him. Though he sometimes wasn't exactly sure, if his dad had been a bad dad after all. His mother could be very convincing, regarding how badly her husband had treated her and her family. Maybe Matt blocked the good memories out because it made it easier to believe his mum and to some degree justify her dark doing.

Matt began to push himself harder. He upped the speed and ran as fast as he could. His thighs were burning, as were his lungs. He felt near the edge of passing out when he slowed down.

He heard someone arguing followed by a loud thud. Matt came to an abrupt halt. The noise came from an alley next to him.

He knew he had passed his neighborhood three miles back, and found himself now, in what they called a bad-hood.

His gut told him to stay back, maybe call the police, but as the shouting continued and turned into a whimper he acted on it. He ran over to a dumpster, which he saw standing there and yelled. "Hey! What's going on here?!"

A young person looked stunned at him for a second before pointing a gun in his direction. "Nothing that's your concern," the boy sternly told him, while looking Casey deep in his eyes. But Matt wasn't impressed at all. He took it as a challenge and returned the look.

"Don't sure about that," he told the boy while holding his gaze. "What did he do?" Matt asked while pointing at the guy lying on the ground.

"I told you. It doesn't concern you." The gunman mustered Casey quickly from head to toe.

"Just trying to figure out why he's being held against his will," Matt shrugged.

"What's your problem, man! You've got a death wish or something? I told you. Now get lost or I'll shoot you?" The boy clearly was freaked out about Matt not running away in fear, as he thought any sane person would do in an instant.

Matt challenged him by stepping slowly into his direction. His hands in the air to signal him he was unarmed.

"I'm just trying to understand what's going on here. I'm a firefighter," Matt pointed at his blue jacket with the firefighter emblem. "I'm not a cop." He tried to reason with the boy, who couldn't have been older than eighteen years.

"There ain't no fire, fireman. So, get lost!" The kid answered again.

"Please Darrell, I didn't betray you! You've gotta believe me," the boy on the ground pleaded. "Shut up!" the boy pointed the gun back on his original victim.

Casey took the chance to step even closer to them, "So, Darrell, that's your name? I'm Matt."

"I give a rat's ass about your damn name!" Darrell pointed the gun again at Casey.

"What if he's right and you're going to kill him even if he didn't do anything wrong?" Matt asked Darrell point blank.

"Shut up, fireman!" Darrell shouted. "I know what he did!"

Suddenly the boy on the ground made a move and tried to get free. Darrell got distracted and turned away from Casey. It happened really fast and Matt rushed forward in an attempt to tackle him. The gun fell to the ground and Matt tried to get a hold of it, but victim-boy was faster. He took the gun in his hands and without even blinking an eye, he shot Darrell right in his chest, who instantly fell to the ground.

"You wanna be next?" He asked a shocked looking Casey. Then he punched him in his abdomen. "I ain't going to kill you today, Fireman." He said while pressing the barrel of the gun hard against his head. "Cause you helped me with this scum. But don't cross my way again, Fireman. Comprende?" And with that, he ran away and left Casey and Darrell behind him.

Matt tried to catch his breath. His stomach hurt bad and his rib protested in agony.

He crawled to the boy lying in front of him. "Hey. Darrell!", he said, "stay with me, okay."

Darrell coughed up blood and whispered, "You should've stayed away, fireman," as his body began to relax and he passed out.

Matt frantically tried to pack up the wound as hard as he could. He shrugged off his jacket and pressed it hard against the boy's chest and called out for help.

"Darrell, come on buddy ... stay with me." Casey felt panic rise in his chest, "Come on! No. No. No. Don't die. Darrell?"

He heard police sirens roaming the streets and knew he had to hold on for a few more minutes before help would arrive. He started with CPR even if he knew Darrell's chances of surviving this were slim to none.

He was looking at the boy's face, while he tried to keep the blood circulation going. He tried to memorize it, although he didn't have to. Casey knew exactly, which face would haunt him tonight.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter IX

The patrol car arrived after six minutes. One of the cops helped Casey with the CPR, the other one called for backup and an ambulance.

Another thirty minutes later the paramedic in charge called it, and Darrell became officially a homicide victim. He was seventeen years old. That's what Casey was told. The cops on scene knew him well. He wasn't someone who didn't have a record. He started with drug-dealing around the age of fourteen.

Casey felt jittery and adrenaline was still running high in his system as he tried to wash off the dried blood with alcohol from the ambulance rig. It didn't help much, but at least he got the majority of the red fluid off of his hands.

Casey looked up as new sirens blared in their direction. A black SUV stopped, and Matt instantly recognized some team members from the Intelligence Unit of the 21st district. He spotted Halstead with a blonde female, he didn't know and Antonio. His heart sank, and he let his head bow, as he saw who the last member was.

Sergeant Hank Voight left the car while observing the scene. He nodded at every cop, who already was there, as he walked towards Matthew.

Despite how much time had has passed, Casey still got a bad feeling regarding this detective, who had tried to get him killed, years before.

Deep inside he couldn't shake off that feeling that this man maybe had in fact something to do with Hallie's death. It was a damn lucky coincident that she died in that arson-fire, moments after Voight got out of jail. But Casey tried to get past that. He trusted Antonio, and in the end, he felt relieved that someone he had faith in was able to have a close eye on Hank Voight. It gave him some kind of reassurance.

"Casey," the sergeant greeted him in his usually husky voice. "I'm telling you, you have to be careful, some people might think you're trying to get a spot in my unit, regarding how often our ways cross each other."

Casey didn't reply to that improper comment. He turned to Antonio and asked, "What's the status? Did you know this Darrell-guy?"

"He was one of Upton's new CI's. Darrell Blossom, sixteen years old, long record of drug-busting and a mention in a robbery. After his girlfriend died in a shooting he reached out to us. Said he could get us to the big fish."

"That ain't gonna happen now." Voight cut off Antonio's explaining. Matt flinched at overhearing this. Hank addressed him, "So, Casey how did this whole mess happened?"

Matt took a deep breath and tried to get the story with as many details as he could muster. He told them how he tried to get Darrell to talk to him and how the other guy shot him practically out of nowhere.

"It went down so fast, I couldn't do anything. I tried, but it was already too late. The bullet must have hit some major blood vessel or his heart." His eyes lingered on the ground where Darrell laid, covered with a dark sheet. Casey's bloody jacket next to it. It bothered him that the firefighter emblem stood out and was soaked in red dark liquid.

Voight, who caught his somber view smiled, "Pretty sure as a Captain you're allowed to have more than just one piece of these." He pointed at the vest.

The Sergeant mustered Casey. He took the shaky and exhausted appearance of the fireman in and finally asked honestly concerned, "You look like hell. You all right? Did you get hurt by one of these guys?"

Casey shook his head, "Nah, I'm good."

"Okay, if you say so." Voight accepted his answer and carried on, „Antonio is going to ask you about the shooter. Maybe you can identify him from the bunch of main suspects. Halstead is trying to get them sorted right now. He'll show them to you. Don't worry, we're going to get this scum."

Casey had to flinch again at the man's choice of word. It was the same expression the shooter had used on Darrell.

"I've got to make a quick call," Hank told Antonio before he left Casey and made his way over to his car.

"Hey, you're seriously all right?" Dawson asked, only to receive the same answer as his Sergeant had got.

Casey told Antonio that he didn't get a good look on the shooter because he was trying to talk with Darrell this whole time. Antonio reassured him that it was okay. From his point of view, he couldn't have known that the other guy would become the suspect. But Casey felt guilt rising again in his stomach.

Halstead approached them with an I pad. Casey tried to straighten up. He knew he still had to apologize for his behavior, the other day. Halstead just shrugged and told him he wasn't that kind of guy, who would hold a grudge for long. Besides, everything did turn out all right. The case could be closed, and no one got hurt badly in the process. It turned out CPD was happy about the outcome.

Both men shook each other's hand and Casey began searching thru the mugshots but couldn't remember the face of the guy clearly. If he hadn't taken so much time talking to Darrell, he may have been able to identify the shooter now, he thought frustrated.

He still had his eyes on the display, when two more cars arrived. Matt was stunned to see Boden and Severide walking towards him.

"Chief," he greeted and nodded at Kelly.

"What the hell happened?" Severide asked while observing the scene shocked.

"Are you okay, Casey?", Boden wanted to know. His bearing reflected concern.

"Bad timing, I guess. I went for a run this morning and now I'm a witness in a murder case."

Severide clapped him on his back and shook his head unbelievingly, "Casey, man you're a sucker for bad news."

"Seems like it", Matt sighed. "Listen, guys, I'm fine. You shouldn't have come."

"Casey, don't worry about that. We wanted to come. I'm glad Boden called me," Kelly reassured his friend. "Hell of a morning! You must be freaked out. I know I would be."

Casey didn't know how he really felt. His mind was racing. He tried to recall the few seconds before the shot. Was he not fast enough? Should he have known that the real danger wasn't Darrell? He tried to remember what the guy was saying. Did he even talk at all? Matt wasn't sure about anything anymore.

Boden picked up his silent demeanor and tried to find his look, "Hey Matt. Is everything okay? Did you get hurt?" He pointed at the still slightly bloody hands of his Captain.

Casey, whose thoughts were interrupted by the question, cleared his throat, "No, it's nothing ... I mean ... that's not my blood, I tried ..." he broke off mid-sentence because he was tired of having to tell the story again, "Whatever, I'm fine."

"You sure?" Kelly asked once more. Boden and Severide could feel the tension, which was emitting from their friend.

"Perfectly sure." Matt looked at his hands and said, "Guess I'll go home then, take a long shower and kick back a few beers. I probably smell like hell." He mimicked a smile and made his way over to where the dead body had laid and picked up his blood-smeared vest, which now was lying abandoned on the ground. He had to prevent himself from wincing, as a shot of pain rushed thru his side and abdomen. The boy had gotten him pretty bad, with that kick. Casey now could feel the aftermath.

He faked a cough, in order to hide his discomfort, which didn't help with the sore rib at all. He needed a few breaths before he could straighten back up again. Kelly and Boden looked worried at each other. It was clear to both of them, that their friend wasn't quite that "okay", as he kept on insisting.

"Not so fast!" Boden stepped up to Casey. "First, Kelly and I are getting you to the hospital. Get you checked out, then you can go home and rest."

Casey looked at Boden. He suddenly felt patronized. All he wanted to do was to head home and forget about this whole incident. He knew from the moment he saw his boss, that he would make a big deal out of it. Casey felt his inner agitation rising, but he tried to bottle the feeling down and tried to be the smart guy instead.

"Chief, listen I appreciate your concern, but I'd rather go home. If anything changes I'll go to the hospital myself. I promise."

"I know you'd rather go home, but it won't gonna happen, Casey. This is important, I need to be sure that you're okay," Boden insisted as Casey had suspected.

"I am okay," Matt repeated himself, what felt like the hundredth time that day. His voice sounded like a petulant teenager, which didn't exactly contribute to the Chief's attempt to stay calm.

"Like you were, yesterday?" Boden asked with a challenging voice.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Casey took the bait.

"Brett told me all about the bruising. You should have been in Med first thing this morning, instead of running around the streets." Boden almost lost his patience with his subordinate.

"No offense Chief, but Brett said I didn't have any neurological symptoms and ..."

Boden cut him off, "It's possible you've got a cracked rib. I don't need to hear any more from you." The Chief made his point perfectly clear. "And don't try to play off my paramedics against me, never again. Understood?"

Severide noticed the temper rising in both of them and tried to smooth things out a bit, "Casey, Chief's just trying to help. You know you have to get checked out. You could barely bend down for getting that damn jacket off of the ground."

Matt glared at Kelly.

"Sorry pal. But you really look like shit, you know." Kelly explained why he had to back up their Chief.

"Yeah well, you two don't look so hot either", Casey was at a loss. He instantly knew those two wouldn't give up on that matter and it unnerved him.

"Maybe that's because we had to drag our sorry asses out here in the morning after a long shift, because you decided to go for a run in "hell's kitchen" of Chicago." Kelly snapped at him.

All three men were floating on testosterone now. Casey's stubbornness brought them to the edge of anger and it resulted in a verbal fight with a hint of aggression.

"I didn't ask you to!" Matt raised his voice like the other two. The remaining CPD members at the scene looked over to the three arguing CFD officers. Antonio and Hank moved a bit closer, more or less out of habit, to jump in if needed.

Casey looked at Boden and hissed, "Who did call you anyway?"

"Yeah that would have been me", Hank's voice startled Casey.

"Of course," he mumbled and faked a smile towards his old nemesis. "Thanks' for that."

"You're welcome Casey. Anytime," Voight smirked, even if he did make the call, out of pure concern for the firefighter. He had the feeling that only Chief Boden had the power to get him to receive proper treatment. He knew this type of staff, which needed the power of authority to do what was right. And he had faith in the Battalion Chief that he had that kind of power over his men, in that case over Casey, who clearly needed someone on his side after what he had witnessed today but was too stubborn to admit it.

"I've guessed that you've needed some pep talk, from your Chief here," Hank explained his action in a short sentence.

He had tried to make his amends with how he treated Matthew Casey, a long time ago. He wasn't holding any revengeful thoughts anymore, but he knew the boy did. And since Hank Voight didn't do big speeches, he just settled for co-existence in the city of Chicago, between him and Casey. Maybe someday, Casey could do the same.

But today wasn't that day, "You should stick to your own kind, Voight!", Casey hissed at the Sergeant. "What I need or don't need is none of your business!"

"You better calm down, Casey. And listen to your Chief. He's a wise man," was all Voight was saying before he turned away and talked to Antonio instead.

Casey glared at Dawson, but his brother in law only threw him a look, that said, "Don't mess things up!"

"Enough!" Boden raised his voice, "You're going with Severide!" He turned to his squad Lieutenant and said, "I'll meet you two at Med." Kelly nodded. Boden then addressed Casey again and with a determined look on his face he said, "That's an order!"

Casey threw his hands in the air, defeated, but didn't say anything more.

Kelly met Casey's eyes and stated, "Come on buddy, let's go! After your checkup, we're going to have that beer."

Casey who claimed his jacket tight in his hand, made his way over to Severide's car grudgingly.

Boden sighed in relief as he saw his two men head from the scene. He made his way over to Voight, who was standing by his own car, ready to drive back to the district.

Hank saw him and greeted him with a handshake, "Chief, sorry to have bothered you in the morning. But as I told you on the phone, I thought your presence would be required. Casey seemed a bit lost."

"Thanks, Sergeant. I appreciate it. Casey's in a tough spot right now. I'm not going to apologize for his behaviour. You two have your own history, as we all know. But I want you to let you know, that I am grateful for receiving that call."

Hank nodded knowingly, "I heard that his wife left him, after losing their child. Or anything like that? I can imagine how hard that must be for him", he pointed out cautiously. Hank didn't know the whole story about Gabriela Dawson's leaving, but he had heard some rumors and he didn't want to ask Antonio about it.

"It's not my call, to tell you." Boden pointed out.

"I do understand that, Chief. It's not always an easy job, being the one in charge." Boden just nodded intuitive by hearing the Sergeant's words. "Good luck. If you need anything, swing by at my office. I'm glad it turned out all right."

"Thanks, Sergeant! I'm going to head over to Med now. Does Casey have to go to the district later, putting down a statement or anything like that?" Boden asked but was glad when Voight told him it wasn't required. They had everything they needed from the firefighter, besides, these kinds of homicides didn't go to court usually. "No plaintiff, no judge", Hank just shrugged. Usually, Voight himself took the job of the judge in these cases.

The Chief and he shook hands and they headed in different directions.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter X

The car ride over to Chicago Med happened in silence for the majority of the time. Casey had his eyes closed. Kelly wasn't sure if he was seriously tired and sleeping, or if he just tried to avoid a much-needed conversation.

Severide hoped that Casey would say something, but his passenger stayed silent. The Lieutenant wanted to ask his friend and long-time companion how he was really doing and what was going on. He knew something was off with Matt since Gabby left for Puerto Rico. Of course, he could understand that Casey was going thru a rough patch.

Damn it, who, if not Kelly Severide would understand the terrible feeling of losing his seemingly great love. How many times was he left by women who meant the world to him?

Casey should count himself lucky, that this seemed to be his first real heartbreak, Severide thought to himself. Besides, Dawson and he didn't get a divorce. She just went, for the lifespan of a project, to this Godforsaken island. Kelly felt sure she would be back.

If he was really honest with himself, Kelly felt a little bit disappointed by Casey.

This whole new personality of Matt at work – always trying to pick a fight, either with Boden or with him. And now, getting into trouble during off-time, that didn't sound like his old friend at all.

But then again, Kelly told himself to be patient with Casey. Maybe a few weeks from now, he would return to his old controlled self. As he recognized movement next to him he looked at his front-seat passenger.

"Hey, you awake. We're almost there," he tried to get Casey's attention.

Matt just nodded and didn't say anything. He tried to stifle a yawn as he looked outside the passenger window.

"I bet you're tired like hell. You can't have slept more than two to three hours after that shift. And you ran for at least six miles, given the fact, where we picked you up."

Casey didn't respond to that either.

Kelly felt like an idiot. He had the impression of talking to a small child that didn't get his toy.

"You know I'm not the bad guy here and neither is Boden. We're just trying to do what's best for you," he tried to reason with Casey.

"Because you know me so well," Matt huffed.

"All I know is, you're behaving like a douchebag lately."

"Is that so? That's rich, coming from you."

"You know what Casey? I don't want to fight with you," and he meant it.

"Then you should have dropped me off at my place like I asked you to do.", Matt sounded pissed. He suggested to go home as they left the crime scene, but Kelly had no intentions of doing so.

"You know as well as I that this never was an option. It's clear what Boden wants. I'm not going to disobey orders just because you've decided to play child."

"Because you're the embodiment of obedience", Matt snorted.

"Definitely, more than you lately." stated Kelly, and more to himself than out loud, he mumbled, „Which is kind of weird, actually."

Matt didn't respond to that. Maybe he got tired of fighting too or he knew just as well, that Kelly was right about it.

After a while Casey asked impatiently, „Are we there soon?"

"Now you definitely sound like a child, Casey," Kelly smirked.

"I know," Matt sighed and sounded honestly "It's just, I want to get this damn day over with."

Kelly looked over to Matt for a second. Casey's sudden change in behavior stunned him a bit. He had the urge to show his support and told him, "You see, _that_ , I can understand. And I promise you, I'll bring you home as soon as the doc says, you're clear to go."

Casey didn't respond right away. He was fidgeting nervously in his seat as he asked, "And what if not?" He sounded desperate.

Kelly was shocked concerning the sound of his friend's voice. He didn't have a clue what Matt was talking about and turned to him, "If what not?"

Matt took in a shaky breath, "What if the doc doesn't clear me for duty?" He absently rubbed his side. "I can't stay home doing nothing, Kelly. I need to go out on calls. Keep being busy. Otherwise, I'm going nuts," Casey admitted straightforwardly.

Kelly could definitely relate to that one. He also tried to take his job as a distraction whenever he had a problem he didn't want to deal with.

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," Kelly said while parking the car outside the ER of Chicago Med. He turned off the engine and was ready to get out of the car, as Casey's voice stopped him.

"I am serious, Kel, I can't do it." Matt now sounded so forlorn, that Kelly almost felt guilty, even if he was sure he was doing the right thing. But he knew Casey's fear too well.

"Maybe it's not as bad as it seems. Maybe you are back next shift, and nothing has changed." Kelly tried to up the mood.

"It's easy for you to say, _Lieutenant_ ," Casey's voice was loaded with sarcasm.

Here we go, Kelly thought. He did wonder since yesterday if Matt would comment on the fact that he lost the command of his truck since Boden had made this decision. Of course, it bothered Matt. He didn't let his disappointment show in the firehouse, yet, but Kelly was positive he would at some point. He also couldn't believe how quickly Matt's mood could change. He switched from being really deeply upset and honest to behaving like a total jackass, in a matter of seconds.

"You know what your problem is, Casey?" Kelly asked him.

"No Kelly. But I'm sure you're going to tell me."

"You can't admit when you're wrong," Kelly just stated. "Maybe some time off is actually what you need right now. To get your head cleared."

"What I need right now is for everyone to leave me alone," Matt snapped at Kelly, who calmly retorted, "Keep behaving the way you do, and it's actually going to get true. I promise you that one." Kelly took his car key and pointed in the direction of the ER entrance, "Let's go! I too, want this day to be over as fast as possible."

* * *

The ER wasn't as crowded as Kelly had feared. Head nurse Maggie had an examination room ready for them in a nick of time. Dr. Ethan Choi was assigned to Casey's case. He was patient with Matt, who did behave like his new grouchy self.

He took his vitals and examined Casey for any neurological symptoms like Brett did the other day. Nothing seemed to be too concerning. Blood Pressure and Pulse were a bit elevated, but Dr. Choi explained to Matt, "That's likely because of the pain from your ribs and the shoulder. Did you get hit anywhere else?"

Matt threw a look in Kelly's direction and was tempted to lie, but he changed his mind and grumbled, "Guy today, he hit me in the stomach."

Kelly raised his brow but didn't comment on it. He thought it would be better to stay in the back and let Casey have at least, a little bit of control. He felt bad for invading his brother's private affairs like that, but he feared Casey wouldn't be honest about his condition and lying to your doctor was never a good idea. He learned that himself the hard way. Moreover, he had the feeling Boden would demand answers later on regarding the medical condition of Casey.

"Could you lay down on the gurney for me? I need to examine your abdomen," Ethan asked.

Matt did as he was told. He hissed and had a hard time lying down flat. His rib cage hurt badly as did his shoulder. He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to breathe thru the pain.

Suddenly the sliding door of the cubicle opened, and Chief Boden entered. He greeted Dr. Choi and made his way over to Kelly.

Matt had to smirk, even if he wasn't pleased with the situation. "Perfect!", he hissed. "Mommy and Daddy are here now, to make sure little Mattie behaves proper."

Severide and Boden didn't take the bait, but Kelly let his eyes drop for a moment. Dr. Choi looked puzzled, "What's going on?"

"Nothing Doc. Just continue with your examination," the Chief answered.

Ethan looked at Matt and asked him, "You're okay with that?"

"As if I have a say in it," Matt faked a laugh, which resulted in another fit of pain, but he ignored it and explained, "You'll have to know, Doc, I'm not trustworthy these days."

The doctor sensed the tension between the three of them and turned to Severide and the Chief, "Sorry guys, but I have to ask you to leave. My patient clearly seems to be uncomfortable with you being here. It's his right, to get this examination done in privacy. So please step outside for a minute."

Boden nodded at the Doctor and addressed Matt, "We're waiting for you outside. Don't try to ditch us, when you've done. I need to talk to you."

Matt let out a sigh as the two men had left the room and looked at his doctor, "Thanks. … I guess." He was really grateful to the doctor.

"You're welcome. I'm going to palpate your abdomen now. You let me know if anything feels uncomfortable." Matt lay still and was glad that the doc didn't ask anything more about why his boss and co-worker stayed with him in the first place.

After he was finished, Dr. Choi let Matthew sit up again and told him, "There's definitely some bruising and swelling in the upper quadrant of your abdomen. It's likely just superficial, caused by the boots the guy was wearing but I'll have to do an ultrasound. I'd like to eliminate the possibility of internal bleeding." Matt wasn't pleased but didn't interrupt the doctor.

"As for your ribs, I'll send you to radiology. It's possibly one of them is fractured."

Matthew looked at Ethan and asked, even if he feared the answer, "How long till I can go back to work?"

Choi looked at his patient. "I can't be sure, yet. We'll need to wait for all the results to come in. I'll send a nurse. She'll draw some blood and will hook you up with an i.v. line. You're dehydrated, and I'd like to give you some fluids. I'll administer something for the pain too. Nothing too strong, just some NSAIDs. They are nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs. They should help with the pain and the swelling. I also like to take a closer look at that shoulder wound." The Doctor looked at Matt's chart and continued, "Dr. Halstead documented that you refused treatment last time you were here. It looks infected now and you'll probably need to take some antibiotics. Do you have any questions?"

Matt was stunned at this much information in such a short time. He didn't like what he was hearing, but as far as he was concerned, Elvis already had left the building, and he might as well accept everything Dr. Choi was telling him.

"No," he answered, "I'm just hoping I can go out on calls next shift."

"When would that be?" the doc asked. "The day after tomorrow," Matt informed him.

"I can't make any promises. But I can tell you if your rib is indeed fractured, then you'll have to stay off duty. It would be too risky given your job description."

Matt bowed his head and Choi could sense his desperation. "Let's focus on the diagnostic process right now. We'll see with what we're dealing, after your ultrasound and x-ray."

Matt was sent to radiology while Dr. Choi went to the front desk to complete the paperwork. Dr. Will Halstead, who was waiting for Dr. Manning to have lunch with him, spotted his colleague, "Hey Ethan. Was that Matthew Casey? Did he finally show up for his follow up?"

Dr. Choi told him that it wasn't exactly a follow-up, then a new admission.

"This guy really can't catch a break," Will sighed. "I think he's been in this ER five times last month. Weird, don't you think?" Dr. Choi just shrugged, "He's a fireman. What do you expect? It's a tough job."

"I guess," Halstead stated, "but five times a month? Sounds like too much bad luck."

Dr. Choi looked inquiringly at his co-worker, "What's your guess?"

Will just sighed and frowned, "Don't know. Just a hunch. Something doesn't add up, is all."


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter XI

The Chief and Severide were sitting in the waiting area while Casey was up in Radiology. Dr Choi had come by and informed them about Matthews whereabouts.

He didn't share any details because he had to obligate doctor-patient-confidentiality.

Boden asked him if his Captain would have to take a leave of absence. The Doctor told him the same as he had told his patient, that he had to wait for all the results to come in.

"Chief, I think I should take some time off if Casey really has to go on medical leave," Kelly suddenly told Boden.

He studied his Lieutenant and finally said, "I guess it would be good to have someone watch over him, while he's at home. I am sure you've built up enough overtime."

Kelly smiled relieved, "I thought I could talk him into going on a fishing trip with me. Maybe it's good for him to leave town for a couple of days."

Boden nodded and sighed, "It will do us all good, I guess."

Kelly raised his eyebrow at the Chief's comment.

"Don't believe, I haven't noticed the tension building up in my firehouse?" Boden clarified his thinking. "Hermann is feeling uncomfortable about being in charge, while Casey's still on truck. Mouch can't shut up and drops a brick every time he opens his mouth. Brett's still angry about having lost her partner and doesn't accept any new paramedic I offer her." The Chief seemingly was upset about all this, "I've tried to hire five EMTs, these past few months. Brett didn't approve any one of them. It's a disaster, Kelly! I don't like floaters in my house!" Boden shook his head and rambled on, "And my Captain, who's supposed to be my right hand, turns out to be the worst out of them." Boden took a breath and pleaded, "So, hell yeah! Take some time off, Severide, and try talking some sense into Casey. This house needs a sane Captain. … I need a sane Captain!"

"Whoa! Chief, just relax!" Kelly said, "I'm sure it's going to be okay. Hermann is a good leader. And he knows Casey for a long time. He'll know how to handle him. Besides Casey will get his act together, eventually." He took a swig of his coffee, he was nurturing. "Regarding the floaters, no one likes having them, but it's only temporary. You'll see Chief as soon as Dawson comes back, everything will turn out alright."

"Except she's not," Boden said.

Kelly looked up at his boss and asked puzzled, "Excuse me, what?"

"She's not coming back, Kelly." Boden stated, "I thought you knew."

"Whoa! What? … You're serious?" Kelly was shocked, to say the least. "Dawson's not coming back to 51?"

"She's not coming back to Chicago," Boden told his Lieutenant.

"Why? How? When ... I mean since when do you know this? Does Casey know?" Kelly was at a loss, "What the hell's going on? I thought this was a temporary assignment."

Boden sighed and tried to answer Kelly's questions, "Turns out, they offered her a permanent position, and she took it. I don't know any details. She didn't reach out to me. I was informed by the headquarters last week. I thought you knew."

Kelly tried to wrap his head around this new information, "How should I have known? Why didn't you tell everyone at one of the morning-briefings?"

Boden just shrugged, "Casey asked me to wait. He wants to tell the news on his behalf. I thought that's the minimum, that I can do to show him my respect. I know it hit him hard."

"So, Casey does know about it?" Kelly asked again, even if he already had heard the answer. „Why didn't he tell me?" Severide was in a way hurt and disappointed.

"I can't give you an answer to that," Boden said.

"That changes everything," Kelly mused out loud. "I mean this is bad ...really, really bad. Matt loves Gabby. How could she do this to him?"

Boden shook his head, he didn't have an answer to that question either.

"Should I bring it up, the next time we talk?" Kelly was still in shock over the news, "Or do I ignore it and wait till he brings it up? Chief I can't believe this!"

"I know Kelly. I was surprised as well. But it is how it is. Dawson's not coming back. I don't know if she left Casey or if they're still together. I couldn't ask him. He behaves distant towards me since the day she left. I don't know."

"He's distant to all of us, Chief. It's not just you." Kelly sighed, "But now I know why, at least."

Boden looked up from where he was sitting and spotted Dr Choi entering the examination room in which Matt had been before.

"I guess we're going to get at least one answer today. In a few minutes, we'll know if you're going on a fishing trip or not."

* * *

Casey felt nervous, even if he already knew what his doctor was going to tell him in a few seconds. He didn't have much hope that he would get cleared for duty. He played with his i.v. line, which provided him with fluids and pain medication. He actually didn't mind the treatment because to be fair he was in a lot of pain after that kid hit him in his guts. His shoulder bugged him since the day before and now he felt his body relaxing for the first time in weeks.

"Okay, Matthew! I've got the results of your x-ray and your ultrasound," Ethan informed his patient. "You'll be happy to hear that your rib isn't fractured, but it is heavily bruised. That's the cause of your severe pain. Sometimes bruising can be more painful than a fracture itself. The ultrasound turned out to be clear as well. There are no internal bleedings."

Matt let out a big breath, "That means I'm cleared for duty, right? Thanks, doc. This is great!"

Dr Choi shook his head, "Not so fast, Matt. I've looked at your bloodwork and your CRP levels are too high. I guess your shoulder wound is the reason for that," he shattered Matt's short luck.

"We need to get it cleaned and drained. And I'm putting you on antibiotics, right away. The first dosage will be administered through the i.v. line. That way it will start quicker attacking the infection. You can go home after it is done, and I'll give you a prescription for the pills. You have to take them regularly, every six hours, for ten days, at least."

Matt felt terrible hearing this. "How long do I have to be off shift?"

"Depends on the severity of the infection. I tell you what, let's get through the first round of antibiotics and then we do a blood test again. If the numbers are down by then you're able to return to work."

"That's what? Ten days?" Matt asked, and Ethan nodded "... three shifts," Matt muttered.

"I guess, there isn't another option?" Matt tried.

"I'm afraid, there isn't," Dr Choi informed him.

Matt let the doctor clean out the wound, while he tried to wrap his head around the fact, that he had ten days off. His first thought was to get on a plane and fly to Puerto Rico.

But he knew he couldn't muster the strength to step in front of Gabby. The person who did break his heart into million pieces. He knew the moment he would see her, he would crumble and never get back up.

"Look, Matthew," Dr Choi interrupted his musings, "I don't know what's going on in your life right now, but I urge you to take better care of yourself. Your bloodwork didn't just tell me about your infection, it also shows signs of malnutrition and vitamins deficiency."

Matt just stared at Ethan and after a few seconds, he just stated, "Believe me I'm fine. I'm in the middle of a new training routine and maybe I've lost track of my calorie input, that's all" he lied. He didn't want to make a big fuss about the fact, that his appetite was off since again a person, he loved dearly, left him. After his father's passing, he had exactly the same problem. He wasn't even able to get down some soup. He was sure it would get better over the time.

"I don't want to sound like a health maniac. Believe me, I know how hard it is to follow a healthy lifestyle with crazy work hours. But I'll tell you, this wound will heal better and quicker if you'll take care of things like nutrition and sleep."

"Thanks, Doc, I'll keep that in mind." Matt smiled at Choi. "Am I good to go now? Or do you need anything more from me?"

"No. You can head home. Take your prescription on your way out and I'll see you in ten days."

Matt took his bloody jacket he still had with him and headed in the direction of the exit. He stopped and turned back, as he recognized he forget his pills and the fact, that he was brought here by someone.

He collected his prescription from nurse Maggie and asked her if she knew where Kelly and Boden were hiding. She pointed him in the direction. He found the two in the hallway standing next to Dr Choi.

"So, I guess, you two already know, that I am benched for the next ten days." Casey sounded casual, which felt weird, given the fact how he had behaved before.

"I'm so sorry Matt", Kelly honestly said. He had to suppress the urge to hug his friend. Not only because he learned that his nightmare of medical leave had become true, he wanted to console him because now he knew about Dawson.

"It's for the best," Boden made a point, "It is better to get this fixed now than to wait until it gets really bad. And these infections never get better without treatment. Am I right Dr Choi?"

"You're absolutely right Chief. They never do."

"Guys, don't worry. I get it. You can drop the educational-film routine." Matt smirked and rolled his eyes. "I just want to head home and sleep for the next three days."

"You've earned it," Chief Boden said to him and clapped him fatherly on his back as Matt made his way to the exit. Severide looked dumbfounded at the Chief and mouthed, "What is happening?"

The Chief, who was just as stunned as his Lieutenant whispered, "I have no idea, but I'm glad he's not fighting with us. Maybe we were right. Maybe time off is what he needs."


	12. Chapter 12

_Thank you to all of you who are kind enough to leave a review. And thanks to all of you who are reading this story. I'm stunned that my little fic seems to be so much appreciated. I don't know how long this story is going to be in the end. I normally write two to three chapters ahead, before I actually post one._

 _I know I'm not only using CF characters but I hope everyone whose not familiar with Med or PD can follow the story likewise_

 _For those out there wondering, Gabby doesn't show up in person in any of the following chapters. For me, this ship has sailed ;-) Although I never really was neither pro or con Dawsey. Needless to say, I like Casey and I prefer him hurt and broken, so Go Gabby - break his heart! We'll take care of him afterward;-)_

* * *

Chapter XII

Matt wasn't pleased with Kelly's intention of following him into his home. He wanted to be left alone. He tried to talk his friend out of it, "I am really tired, Kelly. I'm going to fall asleep the minute I drop down on the sofa."

"I don't mind. I just want to know you're having everything that you need. I'm not going to interfere in your routine, I promise. As soon as your asleep I'll let myself out." Kelly reassured.

Severide wasn't sure how or if he should address the fact, that he knew Dawson was gone for good. But he knew he had to be at his brother's side when this whole load of pain and desperation built up over the day would come crashing down and finally would hit him.

"You know, Chief did give me some time off," he told him.

Casey raised his brow. "Really? Did he?" Casey smiled as he could smell the rat, "that's convenient since I'm on medical leave."

"I was thinking we could go fishing. I mean now that we both have time off."

"Conveniently," Casey emphasized.

Kelly ignored Casey's sarcastic remark, "I thought it would be fun. We didn't do anything together in a long time."

"Listen, Kelly, I know what you're trying to do here, but I think I'll pass."

"I'll ask you again tomorrow. Or the day after tomorrow. I guess by then, boredom will have hit you hard."

He couldn't stand the idea of Casey being alone and wallowing in self-doubt. He was worried, and he knew Matt and he were cut from the same cloth. Kelly himself could be a master of self-pity on occasion and he knew nothing good ever came out of it. He had Stella, who helped him through his darkest hours after losing Anna. And he survived Shay's death only because Matt and Dawson took him in.

Speaking of, Severide was shocked as he saw Casey's living room. It didn't look anything like this nice tidy apartment he once knew and actually lived in.

He felt bad for invading Matt's privacy for the second time this day. And he felt bad for discovering a, what seemed to be, very well-hidden secret.

Matt didn't comment on it, he just made his way over to his couch, which appeared to be his bed for the last few months and sat down. To be fair, Kelly didn't expect anything else. What should Matt say anyway? The room spoke for itself.

Matt definitely wasn't coping with everything that was going on in his life right now. Kelly remembered the gossip which was roaming around after the death of Hallie. Shay told him that Dawson found Casey in his home, which apparently had looked like a dump.

At that time Casey and he weren't as close as now. Andy's death still had been a touchy subject for either of them. Kelly's own pride and pain back then, made it impossible for him to help Casey the way he should have.

Now he had the chance to redeem himself from that guilt, to step up and be the kind of friend he wanted to be. It wasn't going to be easy, he knew as much, but he was willing to try.

"Looks like Dawson was in charge of cleaning." Severide instantly regretted his inappropriate comment.

Matt just frowned and rolled his eyes. "Seriously, that's your reaction," he said amazed.

"Man, I'm sorry. I didn't ...", truth be told, Kelly didn't know what to say.

"Don't sweat it. It's messy, I get it. I told you to stay away." Matt looked at his dirty jacket, he still had kept, and threw it on a pile of clothes on the ground near the table.

"I'm pretty sure you can toss that out," Kelly pointed at the blood-smeared vest. "Together with much everything here lying around."

He let his eyes wander for a moment. Empty beer bottles and pizza cartons had been strewed all over the place.

Most of the cartons had half of their contents still in them. "Do you eat anything at all?" Kelly asked his friend without trying to be judgmental.

Casey just shrugged, "I'm not hungry most of the time. And I eat at the firehouse. Nothing's more delicious than Otis's Chicken Kung Pao." Matt tried to crack a joke.

"I am worried about you." Kelly suddenly admitted.

"Don't be," Matt retorted. "I'll figure it out. I'm just too tired to do it right now."

"I know she's gone for good, Matt." Kelly finally addressed the elephant in the room.

Matt sat perfectly still and kept silent. Kelly didn't move either but eventually repeated, "I know Dawson left you." Silence, again filled the room.

After what felt like an eternity, Matthew stood up and slowly made his way to the refrigerator. He took out two beer bottles and silently passed one to Severide. Casey sat down and gulped down his drink. He didn't say a word.

Kelly took this as an invitation to sit down next to Matt and after a long swig, he said, "I'm really sorry Case."

"I guess, it wasn't meant to be," Matt whispered and cleared his throat. "Did Boden tell you?"

Kelly nodded, "He did. By mistake. He thought I knew." Severide looked at his bottle as he stated, "I should have known." He then turned to Matt, "You should have told me, Casey. This is the kind of things were supposed to tell each other."

"I'm telling you now. Don't I?" Matt played with the label of his beer bottle.

His body language showed Kelly that he felt uncomfortable.

"Do you wanna talk about it," he cautiously asked.

Matt shook his head and with a small voice, he sighed, "What's there to talk about? She left me. Apparently, she doesn't love me anymore, or she actually never did. What do I know? She's gone and she's never coming back." He shredded the paper of the label, nervously.

"I told you, you should have put up a fight, Casey. You let her dominate you, every time you two had had an argument."

"I did not." Casey huffed.

"Of course, you did! I saw it. I lived with you two, together, remember?" Kelly was adamant, "I saw you punching a damn hole in that very same wall." He pointed at the wall which covered the entrance from the living room.

"I love her," Casey hissed. "When you love someone, you step down!" He stood up and tossed his empty beer bottle on the table, as he mumbled to himself, "I should have stepped down."

"I can't believe you're actually defending her." Severide shook his head incredulously. "Even, after she dumped you over a job, _twice_. First, she wanted to be a firefighter, now she's doing some development aid on some dusty island?"

He was furious with Dawson for leaving his best friend, and he was furious with Casey for not seeing things straight.

"She's helping other people," Casey interjected.

"And again!" Kelly shouted now and stood up as well, "You're defending her! Again! What is wrong with you, Casey? Seriously, you should have learned to stand up for yourself once in a while in this relationship. I know you are capable of it."

Matt tried to hold it together, he felt tired and hurt and Kelly's little shitstorm about Gabby didn't help his mood at all.

"You know what, Kelly. I'm not interested in your opinion concerning how I have to behave, regarding my relationship with my wife. Actually, I'm not interested in any relationship advice from you at all. How long did your marriage last?" He faked a pause. "That's right! A couple of weeks, so please spare me the input of your experiences about fictive married life."

Severide placed his bottle next to Casey's on the table and huffed, "That doesn't feel right. You're taking the hit. She did mess up and you're questioning yourself. You shouldn't be the one taking the blame." Kelly looked at Matt and told him, "You did nothing wrong, Casey."

Matthew glared at his friend. His eyes looked glassy and Kelly feared he would crumble any minute, but he didn't. Matt stood still in front of him and with a surprisingly strong tone, he said, "I need you to leave now."

"Matt," Kelly pleaded.

"No. Kelly, I'm serious. I can't talk with anyone right now." Casey was shaken to his core. "I almost got killed this morning. I saw a seventeen-year-old get shot in front of me. And to top it off, I can't go to work for the next ten days. I'm not joking. I just can't."

Kelly felt awful, "I'm sorry Matt. I can't possibly understand thru what you're going right now, but I think you shouldn't be alone. You have to deal with all this. You can't hide in here forever."

"Please." Matt tried again. As Kelly shook his head he informed him, „If you're not going, then I'm going." Matt picked up another hoody, which he had lying around, just to prove that he was serious.

Kelly rose his hand in the air, "Okay. Okay. … I get it. You'll stay, and I'll go. But you're going to call me! We need to talk this thru. You can't keep ignoring this situation forever, Casey."

Matt made his way over to the couch and laid down with a groan of pain. He rubbed his aching side and whispered, "I told you. I'll figure it out."

"You better," Kelly warned him as he made his way to the door and reluctantly left Matt alone in his filthy apartment.


	13. Chapter 13

_Sorry, but I made a mistake. I accidentally posted the wrong version of this chapter. I've totally messed up and almost kept the short Kelly-Part out of this chapter. So please if you've already read the Matt-Part, scroll down and follow Kelly ;-)_

 _So sorry for that_

* * *

Chapter XIII

Casey managed to sleep thru most of the night. Maybe because of the nerve-racking events of the previous day or because of the i.v. Pain medication he was given, which allowed his body to shut down finally and to get some rest after a long time of wrestling.

It wasn't a deep, healthy sleep, but it was sleep none the less. Every time Casey woke up he was reminded of Kelly standing in his dirty apartment, telling him to move on with his life. He felt embarrassed and angry at himself for letting this happen. No one was supposed to know that he was struggling.

Matt believed that showing weakness and bringing your problems into the firehouse wasn't a quality of good leadership. He messed up. He couldn't deny that. Boden maybe had been right to take him out of his command. Nevertheless, it felt like a betrayal. He did his job as good as he could, every day without exception. And he saved lives. He did fight for those who couldn't fight for themselves, even if it meant to jeopardize his life in the process. That risk came with the job description, as far as he was concerned. He signed up for it, the moment he became a firefighter.

Matt looked around his apartment. Severide had been right, and he should throw everything out. This wasn't a home; it was a dump! But every time Casey tried to get a hold of this whole mess he spotted something that belonged to Gabby or that just reminded him of her.

Every inch of this apartment bore the signature of Gabriela Dawson, her scent, and her soul. He couldn't just throw it all away. He had to preserve every memory, the bad and the good ones. Besides that, he simply wasn't able to gather the energy to clean everything up. In the beginning, it didn't look too messy, but as the days went by it got worse and after a while, Matt didn't mind the mess at all.

Tomorrow would be the first out of three shifts, he would miss, because of his damn shoulder. He already was bored as hell.

He stood in front of the mirror in his bathroom, after taking a long cold shower. He had hoped it would help him regain some energy for the day. He was mad at himself for not getting treatment for his shoulder from the get-go.

He sighed and scolded his reflection in the mirror, "That's your problem, Captain Casey, you can't make the right decisions."

He made his way over to his kitchen. He remembered what Dr Choi had told him about his blood test. He knew he had to start eating healthier. Matthew already could feel how the permanent exhaustion settled itself into his bones and filled his whole body with tiredness. As much as he wanted to deny it, Kelly had been right. He had to pull himself out of his misery again. Face the music, so to speak.

Casey got dressed and headed out to the supermarket to get some food and other supplies. His stomach rebelled since he took the first Pill, which Dr Choi had prescribed yesterday. To be honest, at first, Matt wanted to toss them away. He didn't need some antibiotics. He never got sick, but changed his mind, as he felt significant pain in his shoulder that morning. Apart from that, he needed to go back to work as soon as possible if it meant, taking some damn pills every few hours, he would gladly do it.

Casey felt good about how he handled this day's morning. For the first time in months, it actually felt like he could gather the strength to do something in order to get his life back on track.

Matt thought, maybe having some time off wasn't the worst thing that could have happened to him. Showing up at the firehouse every day after Gabby's departure did drain his energy. It was hard for him to maintain his casual and controlled self. He could feel his shield crumble and he could feel his inner anger rise. "That's the thing with the Casey's," he thought to himself, "We're this little bundles of aggression and desperation."

He had tried to learn to channel his feelings, and he could manage them most of the time. He knew that sometimes his team had to pay for it whenever he had to deal with something. Hermann more than once was willing to help him out on these occasions. And he was glad someone did question his leadership skills whenever he was too blind or distracted to saw his wrongdoing. It wasn't always pleasant but, in the end, it proved to Matt what a great team it was, he had the honor to lead. Casey loved them, he respected every member, and he knew how high his responsibilities towards them were. And yet, he loved being in that firehouse, loved being in charge and enjoyed being the new Captain.

He also was aware that he was watched by everyone, lately. They waited for him to snap at some point. He knew his reputation as the problematic guy, the lone-wolf. To be fair, he knew he kind of was. The point was, he didn't like to talk about himself in public. He didn't mind talking to someone close, but he learned early on, that talking with someone could also lead to people starting to talk about you. He paid that price in the showdown of his mother's trial. He swore himself, never to be the center of attention, in that kind of a way, ever again.

He was on his way back from his little shopping trip. He had to thank Kelly, he thought. He had already three missed calls from his friend. He would call him back after he had his breakfast.

Maybe it was time to reach out and get some help. "At least with the apartment," Matt mumbled to himself. To be fair, the fishing-trip they always talked about was long overdue, he knew that much.

He made his way over to his apartment door as he recognized a man. He didn't look familiar, but he got the feeling he was waiting for him. He nodded as he passed by him. Suddenly he heard the man call out his name, "Matthew Casey?"

Matt turned around and asked, "Yes, can I help you?"

The man smirked at him and held an envelope towards him, "You can hold this for a minute." Casey was being caught off guard and took the brown Paper. "You've been served. Have a nice day, Sir!" the man said, and left in a hurry.

Matt looked at the envelope and instantly knew what it was and the meaning of it. His newfound optimism was shattered in an instant, as were the groceries he dropped on the pavement.

He could feel his heartbeat speed up. His ears started to ring, and his body began to tremble slightly. He took in a shaky breath as panic was threatening to consume him and he dragged himself into his home.

He took the envelope and tossed it at the table in the living room. He couldn't bring himself to open it up right away. He paced for a few minutes, trying to regain some sanity back. "That's all that's left," he thought to himself. A thin envelope that served as a sign of his failure. Every feeling of hope and luck he had felt for the past couple of years, smashed by this envelope with his name on it.

Casey curled up on his couch. His whole body was aching. He felt sick to his stomach, and this time it wasn't the bruising which made it difficult to breathe. He closed his eyes and hoped, he would never have to get up ever again.

* * *

Kelly was worried. He didn't hear from Casey at all. He tried to reach him on his cell phone for the fifth time that day. It did get straight to voicemail every time. "Hey Case, It's me. Again. … Please call me if you get this."

Severide thought of going over to Casey's. He had a bad feeling, but he also didn't want to push him away by interfering in his life too much.

"You've gotta let him come to you. You know how he is," Stella told him as he was reaching for his phone again, "I mean, don't get me wrong, I like Casey. But ... you know, ... sometimes he's not exactly the easiest guy."

"He's trying, Stella." Kelly had the urge to defend his friend.

"I bet he is, Kelly." She sounded honest, "that's why you have to give him some space. Let him do his thing, you know. … Let him do whatever it is, what's helping him get over ...whatever it is what's troubling him. Let him figure it out."

"That's exactly what he was saying," Kelly sighed.

"See," she tried to raise the mood, "I make you an offer." She made his way over to him and sat on his lap.

"I'm all ears," he smirked as he took in her scent.

"I'm going to distract you for, ... hmmm, let's say the next ... thirty-five minutes and after that, you can try calling him again." She caressed his neck and began to nibble on his earlobe.

"Sounds like a perfect plan," Kelly said as he engulfed her in a passionate kiss.

After their little distraction-time, Stella was getting ready for her shift at Molly's. They all had to step in and do more hours because of the absence from Dawson. She saw Kelly pacing with his cell phone in his hands.

"Tell Casey to meet us at Molly's. He's not been there in ages. It would be good for him," she said while putting on her earrings, "all the guys are going to be there. Maybe ... you know ... maybe it would be … could be good for him … and the team."

"Don't know about that one," Kelly admitted, "but I left him a message," he said as he put on his jacket. He hoped Casey would show up and they could have a beer or two together. Like old times.

"He did well the other day," Kidd informed Kelly.

"The Bus accident?" He asked.

"Yeah," Stella confirmed. "First, I thought it would get awkward, you know, having Hermann being in charge and Casey being on truck, ... but I have to say; it really wasn't. Casey really stepped up and got his act together. No whining or pissing contest. He just did his job." Stella sounded honestly impressed. "Not many men in the CFD I met would be capable of that."

Kelly nodded his head and said," Casey's a professional," as they made their way out of the apartment. It's his personal life he's unable to deal with, he thought to himself.


	14. Chapter 14

_I am so happy that you liked the last chapter. I was worried because it was a chapter without any interactions with other characters. It took me a long time to get Matt's thoughts and his mental state to paper;-) So I am relieved that it was worth it. In this chapter, it's the gang of 51 and Matt on his own_

 _Hope you like this one as well._

* * *

Chapter XIV

"Hey, look at these two love-birds," Hermann called out as he saw Severide and Kidd entering his bar. "Kidd, grab a cloth! You're late." He tossed a rag at her, "I can't manage this crazy crowd alone."

Kidd turned around and laughed, "You mean you can't handle Crazy Station 51." She looked around and saw Otis and Cruz, who were chatting with Mouch, at the end of the bar. They seemed to be involved in a debate, which she thought, it was better if she didn't know of. The squad guys were seated at two of the tables across the bar. Brett stood next to Cruz, and her look roamed in the direction of a certain detective, who was sitting by one of the tables with his cop buddies.

Hermann shouted and winked at her, "Ah shut up, and do what you came for."

She looked back at him and smirked, "Copy that, Lieutenant!" She kissed Kelly on his cheek and made her way behind the bar.

Hermann served Severide a beer, and as he threw his cloth over his left shoulder he asked, "Ahm Lieutenant, Casey's coming today?"

Severide shrugged and answered, "My guess is as good as yours. I texted him."

Herman sighed, "He's not doing so great, is he?" Severide solely took a sip from his bottle and let his eyes sank before he tried to answer, "He's ..."

As Severide couldn't find the right words, Hermann helped him out, "Say no more, Lieutenant. I get it," the older firefighter sighed.

Suddenly Cruz came by and asked louder than intentioned, "Yoh, Lieutenant what's with all the talk about Casey and a murder in East Garfield? How is he?"

Severide was caught off guard and almost spilled his sip of beer, "Hey, just tone it down, Cruz. Not everyone needs to know."

"Are you kidding me? We all know," Cruz told him.

Severide threw a look at Boden, who stood behind him. He just shrugged. Antonio just shook his head as he saw that Severide was staring at him. Then Kelly looked back at Hermann. The bartender looked at him with apologetic eyes, "What did you expect? News travels fast these days." He shrugged and told him, "We're all worried about the Captain."

It seemed like every eye were pointed towards the squat-Lieutenant. His inner tension began to rise.

"Yeah well, if you all want to know. Casey's doing just fine." Severide lied. He didn't want to jeopardize Casey's trust. He knew his friend well, and he knew he didn't want his colleagues to see that he had a hard time.

Of course, he also knew that they wouldn't believe a single word, that he was saying. He knew they weren't blind these last couples of months. And given the fact that Boden stripped Casey off of his command had only added fuel into the fire of speculations.

"If you wanna know how Casey's doing? Call him," he shouted through the crowd. "So, don't bother me about it," he added and glared at Joe Cruz, only to make it a point.

He felt like he had to carry a lot of weight on his shoulder. He knew everyone had the impression that he was the one who could help Casey return to normal. But from what he has witnessed these last few hours, he wasn't sure he actually could.

"Kelly," Chief Boden warned him.

"Chief. No!" Severide said out loud. "If they wanna know, they should talk to him." He was feeling the desperation rising in him.

"And you!" He pointed at Antonio Dawson, "Get your sister on the damn phone and tell her to get her mind straight, already. She's playing a foul game."

Antonio stood up and wanted to launch towards Kelly, but Jay and Ruzek stepped in front of him. "Don't," Halstead warned his friend. "He's just upset about Casey."

Antonio slowly sat down again and took a sip of his drink, glaring back at Severide for mentioning his sister in public. Jay ordered another round by raising his hand in the air and Stella nodded at him to let him know she got it.

The Chief took the seat next to his Lieutenant, and Cruz got the hint and shook his head as he made his way back over to his friends. They all had their heads bowed, and no one dared to say anything.

"Oh … Okay, guys, this is supposed to be a happy bar. So, calm down, everyone, and order more beer," Hermann tried to lighten the mood.

Mouch raised his glass and yelled, "To that, I say … let them' coming!" Herman winked at his old companion and let him know, "On it, Mouch!"

Kelly was reaching for his beer. He didn't dare to look at his boss. Chief sensed his defense and just ordered in a sincere tone, "Talk to me, Kelly!"

Severide only shook his head in desperation, "I don't know what to tell you."

"How bad is it?" Boden kept on asking, "What aren't you telling me?"

"Chief," Kelly sighed and finally admitted, "He's not coping. He says he's going to figure it out. ... But I'm not so sure. His place is a mess."

Boden looked at Kelly and tried to hide his disappointment, "What about that fishing trip? Did he say yes?"

Severide just shook his head.

"Okay." Chief accepted this as an answer and wanted to know, „Are you going to take the furlough?"

"Maybe the day tomorrow would be good. I wanted to check in on him."

"You take as much time as you need. I've got you covered." Boden reassured his Lieutenant.

"Thanks, Chief. That means a lot. ... For Casey too."

Chief nodded. He leaned in closer to Kelly and whispered, "I have to ask you this." Severide looked puzzled by the Chief's sudden secrecy.

"Do I have to do something about it?" Severide raised his eyebrow. Boden carried on, "I mean, should I be getting him some help?"

Severide didn't know what to say. He knew Casey was in a dark place, but he didn't want to make it a big thing in the CFD.

"I don't know, Chief. I guess Casey prefers to stay under the radar of the CFD. You'll get him help, and it's official. He doesn't need a red flag in his record right now."

Boden bowed his head, "Yes. That's what I thought. … So, how 're we gonna fix that?"

"I'll go over to his, tomorrow. Try, talking to him again." Severide suggested.

"Yeah. You do that!" Chief clapped him on his back while hushing a glimpse of Brett from his corner of the eye, "And maybe I reach out to Dr Charles from Med. See if he can give us a hint."

Severide didn't look pleased with that, "You think that's a good idea, Chief? There's going to be paperwork nonetheless."

"Nah! This one's off the record. Trust me. He did help me once before."

Both men sat in silence after that little talk concerning their friend and colleague. Both were worried and angsty about what was lying ahead of them. But at least they had something similar to a plan.

* * *

It was still dark outside as Casey woke up. He felt unrested, even if he slept, for what seemed to be hours. Matt looked at the watch at his TV-set. His eyes had to focus before he could read the numbers with a clear vision. 05:39. He sighed and sat up.

His view instantly caught the sight of the envelope still lying on the table. With shaky hands, he reached for it, and with a quick motion, he ripped it open.

He took in a deep breath before he searched thru the lines.

Divorce Application Form was written in bold letters. Despite his vision getting blurry, because of tears threatening to fall, he kept on reading. There were a few points listed he didn't understand, and he didn't care about them, at all. Insurance, Money, Property, everything had its place in this document. Number five caught his attention more than the others. It read, " _Together we have no infant, or dependent children and the wife is not pregnant_."

It felt wrong and unfair to him. He thought about Louie and his own reluctance at first to take him in. Matt wondered if, at that time, his subconscious had tried to save him from the pain of losing someone again. By all means, this possibility had been a cloud shadowing this whole adoption process from the start. He knew if he would get involved with this little boy it meant, maybe getting hurt later on. And he did get hurt. It took him a tremendous effort to get past this tragedy. But he hoped and wished for Louie all the best and happiness in the world, which Matt apparently wasn't able to get. He knew that a child belongs to its birth parents and its whole family. Louie had the opportunity to get raised by his father; he would never have been able to compete with that.

He remembered the time he took Ben and Griffin in. He had lost Hallie at that time and these two boys, without being aware of, helped him a great deal to admire life again. Gabby had been massive support at that time. To be honest, he didn't know what he was doing most of the time, but she had it all figured out. She was a natural mum. Exactly she knew what these two boys needed. She took care of them and him. Without a doubt, she saved him back then, now it killed him, as he discovered her signature on the end of this form.

It literally felt like a stab in his heart. He could feel it stumble. Beat by beat it seemed to get heavier.

He saw that she checked the box, which said she didn't want to attend a hearing or that she needed a lawyer. Another stab to his heart.

He couldn't get past the fact that she didn't want to see him at all. He, for his part, was desperate to see her, to talk to her. He wanted nothing more in the world than to hold her, hug her and never let her go. He didn't know when and why he messed things up with her so badly that she tried to avoid him at any costs. He wondered if he had broken her heart as well.

He knew he had hurt her by going behind her back, regarding the adoption agency. But what was he supposed to do? He couldn't lose her by getting her pregnant. It would have been his fault if she died giving birth to their child. He knew he wouldn't have been able to live with that kind of guilt. Now it was his fault she left for Puerto Rico, and in the end, he lost her, after all.

It felt like he was trapped in a vicious circle. Always making the wrong move, still messing things up, even if he had the right intentions. He was stuck and didn't find a way out.

Casey had felt desperate and lost in his life before, but now it seemed like he was at his end.

He let the document fall on the table. He placed his head in his hands and tried to stop himself from crying out loud. He squinted his eyes as hard until he could see little light spots started to dance in the dark. His mind was spinning, and he could feel how panic threatened to consume him again. His breathing hitched. Matt tried desperately to find control over his emotions again. He absently rubbed his aching shoulder, and as he felt a sting of pain, he began to push harder. The wound beneath the bandage screamed in agony, but so did Casey's mind. His body threatened to give in, and Matt almost came to the verge of fainting. He then let go of his shoulder and sat in silence to wait for the pain to subside.

After a while, he lifted himself up on unsteady legs and made his way into the kitchen. He wanted to grab a beer, but as he opened the fridge, he settled for the vodka instead.

He needed his brain badly to shut down. He needed to get wasted, in order to see clear again. Sometimes in life, you need to reboot yourself, he thought. Nothing's better than alcohol to knock yourself out. He required the bliss of total indifference. He simply had to forget.

And he began to drink. With every sip he took, his brain started to rest, and his thoughts began to slow down. He walked in the clouds of lightheartedness, while his heart, in fact, felt heavy.


	15. Chapter 15

_"Of course it's alcohol poisoning!" - Would House say ;-)_

 _Which indeed is a nasty medical condition, with many possibilities of complications ;-)_

 _Thanks for the reviews and have a good time reading the next chapter._

* * *

Chapter XV

Kelly was on his way over to Casey's. He hadn't had heard from him the other day, and he was still worried. Stella had tried to calm him and told him, to have some faith in his friend. Maybe Casey simply forgot to call him back, or he was sleeping in front of the TV, with the sports channel on. Kelly tried to believe her, but his guts told him he wouldn't find Casey at home, watching some hockey tournament.

And of course, he knew Casey hadn't forgotten to return his calls, he obviously didn't want to talk to him, or anybody if that mattered.

Stella kissed him on his cheek as she was ready to leave for her shift at the firehouse. She looked at him and sighed, "Call me if it's bad. I too want to help."

Kelly nodded and felt relief wash over him, as he noticed that he wasn't the only one worried. Of course, he knew that everyone at 51 felt uneasy regarding Matt Casey's behavior lately. However, he felt the most pressure about doing something about it.

An hour later he parked across from Casey's driveway. He recognized his buddy's truck, and Kelly got the impression that Matt would be home. He stayed in his car for a moment to gather his own thoughts. Severide wasn't quite sure what he was going to tell his friend, but he was confident he would be insistent on getting Casey to talk. This time, he wouldn't let himself get kicked out.

After a while, he stepped out of his car and slowly made his way to Casey's door. He frowned as he saw a bag of groceries lying near the entrance. Someone must have had dropped it, Kelly thought and picked it up and put it on the side.

He knocked at the door. Nothing. "Hey, Casey!" Nothing. He tried to look through the window, but the blinds were shut. Kelly had a bad feeling as he sought the door handle. It turned out to be locked. A slight onset of panic threatened to overcome him.

Severide ran back to his car. He swiftly searched through his glove compartment. He knew he hadn't returned Casey nor Dawson his key to their apartment. He always meant to do it, but in the end, he forgot about it. Now he sighed in relief as he finally found the little key ring.

In an instant, he was back at Matt's door and unlocked it. Kelly slowly made his way inside, while he called out for his friend. "Hey Casey, you there?" Nothing. The lights were shut off, and a significant silence created an eerie atmosphere.

At first, Kelly couldn't find anything different to the day before when he was visiting, except for the smell. Severide knew that smell. He wrinkled his nose as he noticed the stale smell of vomit and booze. He hurried deeper into the apartment and the living room. He looked at the sofa, and his heart skipped a beat as he saw his friend, "Oh shit! Casey!"

Matt was lying on the couch covered in his own vomit. Kelly rushed to his brother's side. Casey didn't flinch at all even as Kelly roughly began to shake him in an attempt to get his attention.

"Matt?! … Come on! Wake up!" Kelly tried to get a response from his friend but didn't succeed. He let go of Casey and frantically looked around. His eyes lingered on the ground near the couch. Little specks of Matt's vomit where strewed on the colorful rug. An empty bottle of vodka rolled away as Kelly absently kicked it. Severide picked the bottle up and looked at it in disgust, "Oh, buddy, what have you done? That never solves anything."

He tossed the bottle away as he heard a gurgling sound coming from Matt. "Hey, Casey!" He quickly reacted to his friend's stirring and bent down and slapped slightly at his cheeks. Casey's eye-lids began to flutter. "Yes, come on buddy. Wake up!"

The second as Casey began to retch, he rolled him onto his side in a quick motion, and Casey instantly began to vomit.

"That's good, spit it out!", Kelly said while he stroked in rushed circles over his friend's back.

Severide could feel his adrenaline pumping through his veins. He was worried Matt would aspirate some of the puke, that's why he decided to steady him in the recovery position for now. Without too much thinking, he cleaned Casey's mouth with his bare finger, from any residual vomit. Afterward, he cleaned his hand up with Matt's already dirty shirt. "Sorry pal, that's gross."

As soon as Matt's body calmed down and the retching stopped, Kelly tried to feel for a pulse; it was low and thready. He knew he had to get Casey to wake up somehow. He tried again, "Casey! Hey!" He slapped Matt on his cheek, and as his eyes began to flutter for the second time, Severide tried to haul him into a sitting position. "Oh God Casey, you have to help me here," Kelly grumbled, "You're heavy as rocks."

But Matt couldn't participate. His intoxicated body felt sluggish and lifeless. Kelly had a hard time to place Casey, into something similar like a seating position.

"Okay, here you go," he tried to encourage himself, and with the last push, he finally managed to position Matt's upper body at the back-rest of the sofa. He pushed Case's feet on the ground and tried to steady him in that seating position as best as he could. Matt's head slumped forward. Kelly tried to hold it upright and to get a good look at his drunken friend's face. It was pale and on his forehead rested little drops of sweat. Dried and fresh vomit covered his mouth, cheeks, and chin. His eyes were half closed, and Kelly pried them fully open with his fingers. He looked at Casey and in a firm voice, he addressed him, "Hey! Casey, wake up! ... You've slept long enough!"

Finally, Matt opened his eyes on his own. It took him clearly a great deal of power to hold them open, even if it was just for a few seconds. His look was glassy and unsteady. He tried to push Kelly away with his arms but was too weak and uncoordinated to do so. Because of the movement, his body threatened to fall to the side again.

"No. No. Don't do that!" Kelly grabbed Matts hands, which were grasping at nothing, and put them on Casey's lap, "I'm trying to help you here."

Casey's head began to waver. He apparently tried to focus at Kelly and to say something but did manage merely to snort. Casey now started an attempt to curl himself back up on the couch. Kelly held him roughly, which earned him a new grunt.

"Sorry pal, but you have to sit up," Kelly told him and justified it with, "I can't let you go back to sleep!"

Matt then simply let his head fall back, and it rolled to the side. Kelly snapped his fingers before his eyes, "Hey! Don't go back to sleep," he warned his friend, "Stay with me!"

"Nnnaahh," Matt finally managed and slurred something like a word.

"Yes! You have to" Kelly stressed the issue, but was glad that he finally got an accurate reaction from Matt. "I know you're tired, but I can't let you go to sleep, Casey. … You hear me?"

Severide knew that Matt was suffering from alcohol poisoning. And he knew how dangerous those could get if not treated immediately. Kelly felt trapped. He didn't want to call an ambulance as he knew, that it would catch the attention of the paramedics that they would be treating one of their own. If they recognized Casey and him, rumors would be flooding the CFD in an instant. So, 911 wasn't an option.

Maybe he should call Boden. Get Brett, and whatever guy she partnered these days, over to Casey's. The Chief could take them out of service. It happened, it wouldn't be too suspicious.

But then he looked at Matt surrounded by this chaos, and he knew that Station 51 wasn't going to be the solution to this problem. He had to protect Casey's reputation as best as he could.

Suddenly Matt's body began to shiver slightly. "Hypothermia," Kelly mumbled as he looked for something to warm his friend. As he covered Casey with the knitted-wool blanket he had found lying on the brown chair next to the couch, he sighed in frustration, "You're such an idiot, Casey. This time you've messed up, big time."

He once more tried to get the other's attention as he pulled on Matt's hair in an attempt to hold his head up again. It was crude and maybe out of place how he treated his friend's, already broken body, but let's be fair, Kelly was angry.

"The minute you're conscious and able to talk, we'll talk! That's a promise! I'll make you talk." It sounded like a threat, but Kelly was desperate. "You owe me that much!"

He felt lonely and anxious. Severide's biggest fear was that Casey could go into acute respiratory distress syndrome. He had kept an eye on his friend's breathing since he discovered him lying here in this damn apartment surrounded by this reeking mess.

"What the hell I'm supposed to do with you, Casey," he asked, even if he knew there wouldn't be an answer.

He took out his phone and frantically searched for a number. Finally, he found it and pressed the call button. While he waited for an answer from the other line he ran into the kitchen and filled a glass with water. Then he grabbed a towel and made his way back to Casey. As he only reached a voicemail, he left a message with a panic-stricken tone. „This is Kelly. Please call asap! It's very urgent. Thanks." He tossed his phone in frustration on the table and sat next to Casey. He wetted the towel with some water from the glass and tried to clean Casey's face as good as possible. "I know, I know," he whispered, as Matt tried to shield away from the cold wet. "But I guess it's a good sign that you're trying to stop me. Keep going, fight me!" Kelly challenged his half-conscious friend.

"I called someone," he told Casey, who wasn't able to understand anything at all, but Kelly needed to talk to someone. "Help's going to be here any minute." He was agitated and nervous as well as frustrated. Today in the morning he didn't have a clue what to expect from this visit. To be honest, Kelly had prepared himself for a new meaningless banter between him and Matt concerning the Gabby-issue. But he never would have guessed that he had to stop Casey from choking on his own vomit.

Suddenly his phone buzzed. He quickly picked it up, and as he heard the voice on the other side, he sighed in relief. "Thank God! Listen! I need you to do me a huge favor!"


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter XVI

Kelly tried as good as he could to keep Casey as much coherent as needed. The Squad- Lieutenant had a hard time to stay calm in this very high alert situation. Under other circumstances, he would have act like a first responder should act, but it was his best friend he tried to attend to, after all. His own body was trembling from the effort to hold Casey up straight. It wasn't that Casey was too heavy, the problem was that his unconscious body felt like dead weight. Kelly found himself in something like a state of shock. It had been almost one hour and a half since he discovered Casey in his dangerously drunken stupor condition. The rush of adrenalin wasn't as high as at the beginning but still on a nerve-racking level. For what felt like the hundredth time he looked at his phone to check the time, not only to count the minutes to the arrival of aid but also to get a hold of Casey's breathing pattern. His respiratory-rate was lower than usual, but Kelly decided it still counted as normal, as far as he could tell, as a not precisely medically trained person. At least he knew it didn't seem life-threatening at the moment.

He had tried to get Matt to drink some water, but he instantly started to choke again.

"At least there's a gag reflex," Kelly had told him. Casey hadn't reacted. Severide was frustrated, he knew Matt needed fluids in his badly dehydrated body, but he had to wait for the help to arrive.

"Hey, Casey. Look at me!" Severide tried again to get his attention. Matt quietly slurred some unidentifiable sounds in response but didn't look up.

"Sorry pal, that don't make no sense," Kelly said.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Kelly sighed in relief as he yelled out, "We're in here!" Then he turned to Casey as he heard the door snap, "Help's here, Casey. Finally!"

"What the hell happened, Kelly?" April Saxton, on her part nurse at Chicago Med, asked in shock as she saw Matthew Casey slumped over, next to a horrified looking Severide. Kelly couldn't grab Matt fast enough, and he slipped to the side and instantly tried to curl up in a fetal position, but couldn't gather the strength to do, so he ended up lying lifeless and crooked on the couch. Severide was on his feet and now stood in front of his old childhood friend.

"Alcohol poisoning," Kelly deadpanned, "as I told you on the phone."

He then looked at Halstead, who was hovering over Casey in a matter of seconds. "What's he doing here?"

Will ignored Kelly's rude greeting as he tried to get Casey's attention, but like every other time before, Casey didn't show any apparent reaction.

April stood next to Severide and placed her hand on his forearm, "He's trying to help," the nurse tried to clarify the doctor's presence.

"I told you I wanted you!" Kelly stated pissed.

"And I'm here, aren't I?" April smiled politely at him "But as I told you on the phone, Alcohol poisoning is a severe condition. I'm a nurse, not a doctor."

"Well, then! Excuse me, nurse," Will emphasized the title, "can I have assistance here?"

April guided Kelly out of the way and told him, "Let us do our job. We'll talk later when he's stable," she pointed at Matt.

"What do you need, Dr Halstead," the nurse asked while she opened her emergency bag she brought along from Med. Because of Kelly's frantic phone call, she exactly had known what kind of equipment to bring to this kind of an emergency call. The portable Oxygen-tank had been placed by Will at the end of the couch.

"Matthew, can you hear me?", Will shook Casey, like Kelly had done in the last hour over and over again.

"He can't hear you," Kelly snarled. "I've tried that already."

"I have to check for myself, though." The doctor replied in a casual tone. He was used to treating patients who were brought in by their loved ones. They always interfered, and they always knew better. He tried to ignore it and focused on his patient.

"Matt, this is Will Halstead from Chicago Med," he tried once more. As he didn't get a response, he pressed his knuckles hard against Casey's sternum. Suddenly Matt curled up in on himself, and Will stated in relief, "There you go! Good. That's a reaction!"

He checked Casey's eyes with his penlight, which April had fetched from her bag along with the other medical equipment.

Will reached for the stethoscope and listened carefully to Matt's breathing. He took a closer look at his fingernails, which showed a slight tinge of blue. "I need to know his O2 levels, looks cyanotic."

April already had placed the little portable detector on one of Casey's fingers and read out loud, "87."

"Put him on oxygen! Four Liters per minute should be enough for now. When he's at 95, switch to two Liters per minute. I don't want to risk hyperventilation later on." Dr Halstead ordered then asked, "What's his temperature?"

April took the thermometer and sighed, "88.19."

Will frowned and laid his back of his hand over Matt's forehead to check the temperature for himself. "Skin's cold and damp."

"How much did he have?" Will questioned Kelly, who was sitting with his head in his hands on the chair nearby, too run down to follow this whole scenario.

"Kelly!" April tried to get his attention, while she searched for the much-needed oxygen-mask. He looked back up at her, "How much did Casey drink?"

"I don't know," he said. "But I found this." He reached for the empty vodka bottle and showed it to Will.

"Was it full?" The doctor wanted to know.

"I guess." Kelly shrugged, then stated, „How the hell should I know?" Suddenly he had the urge to defend himself, "I found him like this." He tried to clarify, "he was covered in puke and unresponsive."

"So, our best guess is, he drank the whole bottle," Will summed up and huffed, "Perfect!" He looked back at Casey, who now had an Oxygen-mask on, covering his mouth and nose.

"Okay. Did he take anything else?" Halstead took a quick look around the room than bowed back down to Matt. "Casey, did you take something besides the vodka?" Casey's eyes fluttered, but he didn't answer. The doc began to search Matt's arms for any signs of puncture wounds, as he couldn't find any he sighed, "No track marks. That's good. But without an actual tox-screen, there's no way to find out."

Severide felt a twinge in his heart. This whole time, he hadn't even thought about the possibility of Matt having done something even more stupid, besides getting completely drunk. It had never crossed his mind that his friend maybe had done this on purpose, eventually. "Casey, I swear by God, if ... " Kelly couldn't bring himself to finish this absurd sentence, in fear it could be true. He stood up and searched the table for anything suspicious, like opened pill bottles or other empty containers. But he found nothing, except for those bottles he had seen the day before.

"Looks like he only drank the vodka." He informed the doctor with relief. "That's good, isn't it?" April and Will looked at each other with a tinge of worry.

"It's still a lot of alcohol, Kelly," April tried to make him understand. "I think it's time to get Casey to the hospital. To get him the medical attention he needs right now."

"No!" Kelly answered quickly. "The whole point of calling you was to let him stay here."

Will turned to Kelly and stated, "Severide, I know it's a tough call, but Casey's unresponsive. His O2 levels are dangerously low, he suffers from mild hypothermia and is badly dehydrated. He needs to be monitored closely. If his breathing decreases, I may have to intubate."

"You can do that here. You've got a whole bag of medical-stuff with you." Kelly challenged the doctor.

Will shook his head adamantly, "No. I can't do that here. If I have to intubate, he'll need a respirator. I can't risk respiratory failure in a home environment. I'm positive you know that."

"I tell you, he's not going to stop breathing." Kelly tried to explain, "I mean I checked his respiration this whole time, it didn't get worse. He's getting enough oxygen. And by the way, his body is used to low levels of oxygen. We're trained to handle, that kind of things. He's running into smoky rooms with oxygen-deprivation for a living."

"Severide this isn't a case of being used to low oxygen stats while fighting a fire, this is alcohol poisoning. His body is badly compromised. He's fighting against the alcohol shutting down his system. "

Kelly wasn't interested in the doctor's opinion and kept on pleading, "Please. He needs to be here. He's getting treatment at Med, and red flags go off at the CFD. He could lose his Captain rank over this, or worse." Kelly honestly thought that this could be a possibility. He had to prevent Casey from destroying his career only because he had gotten his heart broken. "He's not going to any hospital." Severide's determined look began to unsettle Will.

April, who was attending to Casey the whole time stood up and joined in on the conversation, "Guys this isn't helping. Casey needs treatment. Now."

Will took in a deep breath, "You're right." He looked at Casey who was still lying on the sofa. Kelly could feel his tension rise to an even higher level as he heard Will say, "If I'm gonna do this; I'll gonna need your help."

"Everything you need, name it. I'm your rookie for today." Kelly offered enthusiastically. The doc looked at his nurse, and she nodded in agreement.

"I hope you know what you're doing," the doctor turned to Severide and looked him deeply in the eyes in order to detect subliminal uncertainty of any kind.

"What choice do I have? He would do the same thing for me." Kelly was convinced he was doing the right thing.

Will looked around the room, "First we need to get him into a bed. I can't treat him lying in this mess. He needs fluids and glucose, right away. You're going to help me move him," he pointed at Kelly. "April, as soon as we have him moved into the other room, you start monitoring his blood sugar levels. I need to know what I'm dealing with."

The nurse nodded and reassured, "I'm on it." She took her bag and asked Kelly, "Where's the bedroom?" Kelly pointed in the direction, "Follow us," and he nodded at the doctor who responded with a little headshake, but nevertheless began to move.

Halstead and Severide made their way over to the still unconscious Casey.

"Okay, Matt. Kelly and I are going to move you to your bedroom." The doctor informed his patient, while carefully removing the oxygen-mask. "Kelly you take his feet, I'm going for the upper body."

Casey wasn't as hard to lift as Kelly had expected him to be. Halstead seemed to have the same impression as Severide, and he stated, "He looks heavier."

"He's not doing so well, lately," Kelly said even if it was needless to comment, given the current situation. "You don't say," Will snorted as they carried an unconscious Casey to his bed, he hadn't slept in for months.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter XVII

Kelly felt like being a part of a very bizarre and unrealistic situation. Casey was lying in his bed with an oxygen mask covering his face. A small portable EKG monitor, with wires attached to Matt's torso, had been placed on the nightstand, and a floor lamp turned into an I.V.-Pole. Dr Halstead had inserted a Foley catheter earlier, to manage Casey's urination while his unconsciousness was still an issue. Now he sat next to Matt on a chair, which Kelly had brought from the dining room. Every fifteen minutes he stood up and checked his patient's lung sounds and assessed his level of consciousness.

Casey was still out, but Dr Halstead seemed to relax slightly after the last few checks he did on Matt. Kelly saw him taking notes in a small notebook since they moved Casey into the bedroom. At the hospital the doctors had fancy tablets and PC-terminals to help them taking track of their patient's stats, now Halstead was left with paper and a pen, really old-school, he thought to himself.

Kelly rated the doctor's growing confidence and calmness as a good sign and finally, he allowed himself to relax a bit too.

April had left ten minutes ago. She was on her way to Chicago Med. Will had given her a list of items and medications he thought could come in handy to have nearby during the following night. He told her to use his Hospital- I.D. to get them. He still had to figure out how he would cover it all up, but for now, his priority was Matthew Casey.

Kelly who sat on a chair near the door used the little break in patient care to ask, "How long till he's awake?"

The doctor looked up from his notepad and told him in honesty, "I don't know. Depends on his alcohol-blood-level, but I can see he's starting to come out of it. He's still an eight on the GCS, but he's responding better than an hour ago. He got lucky."

Kelly nodded knowingly and finally managed a small, "Thank you."

"You're welcome." Halstead politely retorted before he looked solemnly at Kelly, "But I have to be honest with you. Even if Casey's improving doesn't mean he's out of the woods yet."

Severide worriedly looked up, "What do you mean? He's stable. All he has to do know is to sleep it off. Right?"

"It's not that easy. There are a few possibilities of complications we have to consider," Will's voice switched in a more caring one, "I don't say that there are going to be any, but it's most likely."

Kelly tensed up again, "Complications? What are we talking about? Brain damage?"

The doctor sensed his agitation and tried to calm him down, "It doesn't have to be so dramatic, but yeah, that's a complication which can occur in a case of severe alcohol poisoning. But I don't think that's an issue we've to worry. His oxygen levels are good now, and I don't think it had been bad enough to cause any damage to the brain cells."

Severide looked at Will, and his agitation turned into a mixture of angst and confusion, "Well then, which kind of complications are more likely, you're talking of?"

"I'm not sure yet," Will told him vaguely, "but I can hear some rattling breath sounds in Matt's lungs. My guess is aspiration pneumonia. We have to monitor his temperature and O2 stats for the next couples of hours."

Severide knew the sickness called pneumonia, and from what he knew this wasn't so bad after all if you're a healthy young person "But he's gonna be okay. I mean this doesn't affect him in the long run, does it?"

"With bedrest and I.V.-Antibiotics he should be fine." Will tried to reassure Kelly. As he noticed a small smile he thought better of it and addressed the situation from a more serious angle, "But I warn you, the minute Casey's breathing becomes an issue, I'm driving his sorry ass to the hospital myself. The next time you're not gonna be able to convince me otherwise."

"I'm not gonna try," was all Kelly had to add. He knew he wouldn't risk his friend's life a second time. If destiny chose a hospitalization for Casey after all, Kelly wasn't going to be the one interfering again. He still could feel the panic and desperation from a few hours ago, when he had made that call.

Will sensed his companion's heavy thoughts and tried to be supportive once more, "You did well, considering the situation. He got lucky you showed up."

Severide's eyes lingered at the ground as he sighed, "I'm not sure he's gonna see it that way." Kelly let his shoulders hang in defeat as worry started to rise again.

Halstead looked at Kelly and then at Casey, "Why did that happen anyway? What's troubling him this much, that he thought the answer lies on the bottom of a vodka bottle?"

Of course, Kelly had his suspicion why Casey had the urge to drank himself into oblivion, but he simply said, "I don't really know what's gotten into him, but I'll make him talk."

"I guess that's good then," Will nodded and tried to help out by addressing the issue from a medical perspective, "Maybe some professional help wouldn't hurt too. I mean it was a close call. He shouldn't take this lightly," the doctor wasn't going to sugarcoat it, "It's gonna be a rough couple of days."

"You said he's going to be fine." Kelly needed to know what Halstead was referring to. He had to prepare himself in order to provide help for Matt in the best way.

Will again tried to be as accurate and honest as possible, "There's always the possibility of the experience of withdrawal after that much poison streaming thru one's organism. And I'm not talking about a case of a bad hangover. This amount of alcohol did challenge his body."

Suddenly Casey interrupted their little conversation, as he started to stir slightly. Will was at his side a second later, followed by Severide who asked in worry, "Casey? You okay?" Casey's hand switched, and he began trying to lift his arm up. His target was something heavy on his nose and cheeks. It was the oxygen-mask, which caught his attention first. But as he finally managed to get a hold of it, Dr Halstead stopped him immediately, "That's not a great idea, Matthew. You need this. It makes it easier for you to breath." Then he took his penlight out and checked Casey's pupils, but his head flinched at the sudden light. Will actually was glad upon this clear reaction, even if it made his job more difficult.

"I have to check your eyes! Look straight at me, and try focusing on my nose," the doctor ordered. Casey squinted his eyes, and after what felt like minutes, he slowly opened them up again.

He sensed he was lying in a bed. Where was he? What had happened, and why did he feel so sick? His whole body ached, and his head spun around madly. He had the impression of riding a rollercoaster for two days straight, without taking any break at all. His stomach hurt, and he could feel cramps starting to engulf him. He tried desperately to get some air, but the pain he felt in his lungs didn't allow it. He began to panic. The monitor picked up on his agitation and started to beep. Casey's head nearly exploded by hearing that sound coming from the side. It seemed to be a shrieking sound.

"Casey, look at me! Try to take slow breaths, don't overdo it, slow and long breaths." Dr Halstead looked at the monitor and shut the alarm off.

"What the hell is happening," Kelly asked frantically.

Will ignored Severide and focused on his patient, "Matt can you hear me? Try to focus. You're okay. You're in your bed in your sleeping room. You're at home."

Casey's unsteady eyes searched for anything to focus on, but his mind was racing, and he couldn't manage to concentrate.

"Matthew, you're going thru a panic attack. It's common in detoxing. It will pass. Believe me. Try to calm down."

"That's not helping," Kelly said, "Can't you give him something?"

"I can, but I won't," Will stated harsh, "I want him to ride it out, without putting more toxins into his system. The alcohol still running thru it is toxic enough."

Casey recognized Severide in the room, though he couldn't get a handle on everything that was happening. He couldn't remember how he ended up here in his bedroom with these two men attending to him. His stomach cramped again, and he started to retch.

"You wanna throw up," Will asked, even if it was more of a statement. He turned to Kelly and told him, "get a bin or something!" Kelly hurried out of the room.

"Try to hold it. Severide's looking for a bucket. Deep breaths!" Will soothed his patient. "Are you in pain?" Matt squinted his eyes again as little drops of sweat showed on his forehead. "That's normal. The alcohol still compromises your system. Your stomach is protesting. It will pass."

Casey convulsively swallowed as Kelly arrived with a bin. The moment it was shoved under his face, and Will had removed the oxygen-mask, Matt retched heavily, as his empty stomach couldn't come up with anything, his whole body started to shiver.

"I've got no antiemetics, for now, but April's going to come back any minute. I told her to get something, to help with nausea."

While Halstead took Matt's vital signs, Kelly sat on the bed next to Casey. He still held the bucket and looked at his ill stricken friend. "You've scared me big time, Casey. Never do that again, you hear me?"

Casey's eyes, finally more able to focus, searched his friend's face and even if Matt didn't say anything, Kelly could feel his desperation and angst.

"You're going to be okay, now," he tried to comfort him.

Matt let his head fall back at the pillow and closed his eyes. It didn't take long, and he fell asleep.

"He's better," the doctor reassured a worried looking Severide. "It doesn't seem so in the moment, but he is. His BP is still low but getting stronger. Tachycardia is decreasing. Temperature's coming up, and his Blood sugar almost turned normal."

Kelly let out a huge breath of relief and turned to April, who was entering the bedroom that instant. "What happened?" she asked quickly.

"Everything's looking good," Dr Halstead calmed her. "I told Kelly, that Matt's doing better every minute."

"That's good," she smiled at Kelly. "I brought something to eat. It's in the kitchen." She told them while she placed the bag with medication on the end of the bed.

"I'm not hungry, thanks."

"Kelly Severide not hungry? That's a joke, right?" she laughed.

"You should go and eat something, we all should. It's gonna be a long night." Will told them. "I'm going to administer the antiemetics. I'll join you in a few minutes." He began searching through the bag of medicine, and as he found the little vial, he prepared a syringe and told his patient that he would feel better any minute. Casey didn't notice at all as Halstead administered the drug right under his skin.


	18. Chapter 18

_Thanks so much for the reviews. I'm so happy that you all seem to like the decision to bring April and Will into this story, at that particular time. I have to say April doesn't have that big of a role and Will swoops in only if I need him to do his doctor-stuff and to be a bit of a connection point between our two lovely firefighters. Although I have to admit, I really enjoy writing his character. I'm writing Chapter 23 right now, so I hope this is a good news for those who wonder how long it's going to last until it ends. And let me tell you, I'm not at the end yet. ;-)_

 _So please stay with me and have fun reading the next Chapter!_

* * *

Chapter XVIII

Severide, Halstead, and April stood in silence in the kitchen. April had picked up pizza for them on her way back. Kelly wasn't hungry at all, but he managed to eat like the other two. He still felt worried about his friend's well-being, even if April and Dr. Halstead assured him he was getting better. The doctor told them all to relax now. The moment Casey would experience any kind of trouble or even slightly move, the heart monitor's alarm would let them know.

The living room still looked chaotic and messy. April had opened the windows hours ago, and the majority of the stench of vomit and vodka was gone.

Kelly had tried to clean up most of the puke, but he knew Matt would have to toss that rug out, the minute he had enough strength to do so.

"Maybe that's good," April had pointed out, "Sometimes getting rid of old things can be healing for the soul too. I think it's called decluttering, or something like that."

Kelly's thoughts were occupied with what he had found in the living room, while he had tried to get rid of the mess on the table. The brown envelope didn't seem too important at first, but his eyes got caught by the headline Divorce, and he instantly felt a pang in his guts.

He searched quickly through the lines like Casey must have had done it a day before. He stopped at the signature of Gabriela Dawson. He sighed and put it back on the table like the way he had found it. He canceled his plan of cleaning this room. He knew Matt wouldn't want him to know, so he decided to let him have the bliss of ignorance. To be honest, he hadn't been in the mood to clean up anyway.

Now he was standing in Casey's kitchen eating his third slice of pizza. His appetite wasn't that great, so he turned to April and told her he would check on Matt.

She nodded understandingly, and as Kelly had left the kitchen, she addressed Dr Halstead, "Will, thanks' for doing this. I know it's a lot. I owe you one."

"No problem! I hadn't had planned anything for today."

She smiled at him and told him that she already had taken care of the administrative stuff. "I told Maggie. She's helping us out. She's going to take care of the missing things. Apparently, you can label anything as broken, expired or missing."

"That's a relief!" He stated then asked, "Does she know?"

"She said it would be better for her if she didn't know the whole story, so no, she doesn't know who we're treating."

Will nodded and sighed, "I'm just glad Casey's doing better. I really was worried he would slip into a coma, at one point."

"He sure had a guardian angel today," April noted.

"Definitely." Halstead smiled while eating his pizza, "apparently, his name's Kelly Severide."

* * *

Casey slept for the next two hours. The antiemetics Will had given him stopped the heaving, and his body could rest. His mind, on the other hand, wasn't going to let him off the hook that easy.

It started a few minutes ago that he became aware of his surroundings again. Although Matt couldn't quite wrap his head around everything that had happened, his thoughts were like hammers interrupting his daze. He knew he had drunk the vodka, but anything past that felt like a blur. He tried desperately to remember why and when Severide had shown up. It all felt like a haze, almost like a mad dream. He was woken every time he finally managed to get back to sleep; he remembered that. He had heard voices arguing over him, but he hadn't been able to recognize their words.

He remembered, his mouth had felt, like a desert during hot summer, and he had been desperate to drink some water. His body hadn't allowed it, and so he tried to get more sleep. But Kelly had been a pain in the ass.

Casey felt a pang of guilt towards him. He also could feel another emotion rising in him. It overflooded him, every time he had a moment of lucid thought during his stupor state. This feeling was: shame. He knew he had messed up once again. He knew this wasn't something Kelly would ignore. Matt felt embarrassed and weak. How was he going to justify his doing? He had been an idiot. His inner turmoil caused his heart rate to speed up slightly, and the monitor's beeping stepped up a notch.

Suddenly someone was trying to talk to him. He sensed a presence near him, and he decided to, carefully pry his eyes open. The light made his head spin even more, and he didn't dare to look to the side. He closed them again. He felt thirsty, so he slowly tried to put off the mask covering his face. Hands were stopping him and were holding the plastic item in its place.

"Doc says you need this. So, no fiddling." That was Kelly scolding him, Matt thought.

He opened his eyes again and tried to look at him. This time he managed to turn his head slightly so that he could see Severide's face. His vision was blurry, but he could recognize a worried looking Kelly standing over him.

Matt whispered, "Wh… ha...pnd?"

"You've killed the vodka bottle, and then it almost killed you," Kelly informed him bluntly. "Doc says your gonna be fine, but not right now. Apparently, drinking yourself into oblivion can cause withdrawal. You're gonna feel shitty for a couple of days. Good thing you're already on sick leave." He padded his friend's upper arm.

Casey tried for the oxygen-mask again. "Hey what have I told you? Don't mess with the mask. It's supposed to help you. You know how to breathe thru a mask."

Matt obeyed and rested his hands on his chest. It felt heavy, and he indeed had trouble breathing even with oxygen being blown into his nose and mouth.

He could feel his lungs burning and his stomach cramping. His skin felt too hot, and he thought he had been run over by a truck.

"You've given me quite a scare," Kelly told him. "I thought you'd kick the bucket. I can't believe you're that stupid! What were you thinking, Casey?"

Matt heard every word now, and he instantly felt terrible. He had never had the intention, to worry someone. Especially not, Severide, who always tried to have his back, in tricky situations.

He listened to Kelly's words, "A whole bottle of vodka! Are you insane?"

Matt wanted to apologize, to say that he was sorry, but he couldn't muster the strength. He just laid in his bed, with all this medical stuff that surrounded him and wanted to make it thru Kelly's banter. Casey could feel how a distinguish heat began to rise in his chest. He tried to focus on Severide again.

"I mean that's madness! And I bet you didn't even think of stopping, although you must have been plastered in an instant. With your newfound aversion to food, and all that crap." Kelly was mad at Casey, and now it felt like the right time to lay it all open, "What are you? A thirteen-year-old girl. Start eating already!"

Matt could feel the embarrassment he had experienced earlier in waves; now it was hitting him in full blow. And he was too weak to defend himself, though he wasn't sure if that would be a possibility after all. Kelly was right Matt hadn't thought of stopping. He felt the alcohol after a few swigs already flushing his body, but he couldn't stop himself from drinking further. He needed to drink on. He needed to forget. The Divorce papers entered his mind again, and he felt like drowning all over again. His heart rate kept rising, and his breathing hitched. Stomach-cramps made it almost impossible to breathe in, and the familiar shrieking sound from the monitor stopped Kelly's scolding.

Halstead came running into the room with a worried look on his face, "What's going on?" He checked the monitor for a second and then turned to Kelly, "What happened?"

"I told him what an idiot he's been lately, and suddenly …."

"Okay, You. Out! Now!" the doctor told Severide.

"No. I wanna help!" Kelly stated adamantly.

"Yeah well, you did that already," Will snapped at him. Severide didn't make the impression, to leave any time soon, so Halstead just shrugged, "Fine by me. But no more talking to my patient."

Then he turned to Matt, "Okay now you. Take deep breaths like before and focus on me. You're okay, and Kelly's going to shut up. No one's judging you or what you did. We all want you to get better."

Matt shook his head slightly and closed his eyes. He couldn't face anybody right now. He imagined he was left alone, lying in his bed. No one was standing in this room, and nothing had happened. He never drank that vodka, and he never opened an envelope.

His breathing eased, and his heart stopped pounding too fast. He still could feel it banging against his ribcage, but it got easier.

"That's better," Halstead told him in a soft voice, "You're doing great, Matt. Listen, I'm going to tell you what's going to happen next."

Matt opened his eyes and looked at Will. He tried to focus on what was coming.

"Good, you're with me. So, listen! I'm going to reduce the glucose drip. You don't need it anymore. You're blood sugar's normal now. You still need the fluids, and I'm putting you on antibiotics. Your lungs are inflamed due to aspiration. That's why you've still trouble to breathe. And I bet your chest hurts." Matt nodded. "Okay. Later I'll give you something for the pain as well, but not right now. Your liver has enough on its plate as it is. In your kitchen, I found some Antibiotics Dr Choi did put you on. I guess it's because of your shoulder?" Matt nodded again. "Don't worry; the I.V. Antibiotics will take care of that too. Do you have any questions?"

Matt wanted to say no, but he had to ask because it was bothering him since he got aware of. He put the mask away and with a raspy whispering voice he managed one-word "Catheter?"

"Oh yeah, right. I think it's best to keep it for this night. It's easier for you and I can have an eye on your kidney function. But I'll remove it early in the morning."

Casey didn't look pleased, but he thought he was in no position to argue.

"Matt everything looks good, you're doing fine now. Don't worry. I'm going to stay here for the night. Tomorrow I have an errand to run, but I'm going to check on you afterward. Kelly's going to stay with you." Halstead looked at Severide to get his consent.

"Absolutely," Kelly offered, "And Case, don't worry I'm not going to freak out like before. I'm just glad you're doing better. I really am."

"See, Matt. Everything's fine. Later I want you to try to drink some water, and if that works, you can try some soup."

Casey was grateful to Will Halstead. His way of handling his wrongdoing was reassuring, and he had the feeling he wasn't as crazy as he indeed felt, lying here in his and Gabby's old bed. He knew he would have to face Kelly's opinion on some point, but he was glad, that the doctor had put a hold on it for now. Severide would respect that. For now, he had been saved this trouble, and he could use this time to get his defense strategy ready. He had to get some energy prepared for answering questions. But tonight, he would simply try to rest and to ignore what a poor choice he had taken again.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter XIX

„What the hell were you thinking, Kelly," Halstead confronted Severide the minute they were out of the room. "He doesn't need this kind of attitude from you right now. Casey's body and mind suffered a trauma. It wasn't a major one, but trauma nonetheless. His body has to heal and so has his mind too. He has to process all of what has happened. Do you understand this?" the doctor was adamant, and Kelly didn't have the time to defend himself. "He needs your support, not you showing your disappointment. Clear?"

Severide stood baffled in front of the doctor and wasn't sure what to say. "I didn't think of it. I'm just as freaked out about all this; how he seems to be." Severide tried to make Halstead understand his side, "I mean you don't know Casey. He's not supposed to act like this. He's a Captain with the CFD, you know. He's a leader of men. We don't do self-pity-parties or get plastered like there's no tomorrow. We suck it up, follow the orders and do our damn job. That's what we're supposed to do."

Halstead frowned at Kelly. He almost began to laugh sarcastically, "Really? That's how it works?" Kelly glared at him but didn't say a word.

Halstead took the hint, and with a casual voice, he told him, "Severide, honestly that's BS, and you know this. I'm sure you've been where he's at right now. I'm a doctor, and I've been there myself, more than once. So please spare me the story of great firefighting heroes and their souls of steel. He's hurt, everyone can see that. So be a friend and not his judge. Try to understand what he's going thru."

"I am trying!" Severide stated pissed. "But I'm also sick of it!" he almost cried out, "I'm sick of being worried all the time. I'm sick of being the one saving him after he decides to run into open fire whenever there is one. An I'm definitely sick of seeing him in hospital rooms or anything that qualifies as one!" He pointed at the bedroom, which, at the moment, looked more like an ICU to Kelly, than an actual bedroom.

Halstead sighed and tried to be more understanding after he heard what Kelly apparently had to endure while looking out for his friend.

"Believe me, I get your frustration, Kelly, I do. But you have to be patient this next couple of days. As I said before, they're not going to be easy on him."

Severide let his head bow and sighed as well, "I know that. He's just … He's …, "he wasn't able to find the right word to describe Casey.

"Sometimes, it's just hard to be understanding. His defense mechanisms are on guard all the time. Like I'm the bad guy or something. He's snappy and behaves like a little kid. It's just not easy to help someone who clearly has no interest in being comforted. He's a lone wolf, always has been."

Will nodded understandingly and said, "Try to get thru to him. Try to make him listen. Get him to understand that he doesn't have to face this alone. Whatever it is he's dealing with."

Severide huffed. He was tired, and he felt like he was the bad guy, once again, in this whole conversation, "I'm trying, believe me. I am. He's one of my best friends. You think I'm not trying my best here?"

The doctor knew that Kelly was at a loss, he had an unbelievable tough task to do. Will had tasted Casey's distant behavior while treating him the last couple of times in the ER. "I'm sure you are. And I know what kind of pressure this puts on you. And if you need me, I'm right here."

Severide sighed and sat down at the table in the dining room. He touched the bridge of his nose and finally admitted, "Thanks. You're good with him, I can tell. He listens to you. You're able to calm him down in a heartbeat. I can't do that. We're always ending up fighting with each other. That's always an issue. We're butting heads during work and off shift. That's just how it is."

Halstead smiled at him and patted Kelly on his shoulder, "That's because you two are close to each other. You're best friends. It's always harder if it's someone you care about. It's this twisted reality we have about helping our loved ones. We want them to get better in an instant, and sometimes we try to force it. But that's never going to work. Healing needs time and patience."

"I ran out of patience a long time ago," Kelly huffed.

"Yeah! Well, then you have to regain new one by relaxing yourself, once in a while." Halstead said, "Which means, go to bed. I'll take the first watch. Try to sleep and tomorrow is a new day and new chance to get him to talk."

Kelly stood up and nodded. He definitely could use some sleep. He felt tired and drained. This past few days weren't easy on him either. The constant worry he experienced took a toll on him. So, he sighed and said to the doctor, "I guess you're right. Wake me if anything happens."

"Will do," the doctor reassured him. "Sleep well."

* * *

Kelly made his way into his old room, he had lived in, during the time he had stayed with Casey. April was lying on the bed, eyes closed, but she wasn't sleeping. The nurse had to leave soon, to work the night-shift at the hospital. She had heard the little conversation in the other room, and she smiled at him.

"What?" Kelly asked.

"It's funny, that's all," she smirked at him again.

"What is funny?" Kelly asked a bit rough, "Casey, almost choking on his puke?"

She sat up and stated, "No. You. Complaining about him. Even if you never behaved much differently than him."

"That's not true!" Kelly felt to have to defend himself again, "I have never risked my life, as he does it, apparently every day, now."

April put her hand up to stop him, "Okay. Maybe that's true, but …," she put back on a small grin on her face again, "Come on, Kelly. Be honest with yourself. You're as messed up, as much as he is. I saw you in this kind of situations. Remember, we came a long way." She patted the space on the bed beside her. He took the invitation and sat down next to her. She held his hand and recalled old times, "I saw you wallowing in self-doubt, and shutting out everyone else, who would try to talk to you. I mean, I don't blame you. You've never learned to trust someone, and neither has Casey, from what I've seen. I don't know him as good as I know you but, ..." She sighed. "I hate to break it to you, Kelly, but you're not an easy guy either. Even in school, it was hard to be friends with you. One day you would be taking me to an Eminem concert, and the next day you wouldn't even talk to me."

Kelly looked stunned at her and bowed his head, "April, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, …"

"No," April shook her head, "Don't apologize. It was a long time ago, and I get it. Your home wasn't, what you could call, a safe environment. I know it was tough on you. And I think that's the reason why Will's right. You and Casey are too close. He'll always give you a hard time, being friends with him. But in the end, you're the one who can help him out of this." She looked him deeply in the eyes and tried to lift his confidence up, "He'll open up. Not tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, but eventually he will. Keep trying, Kelly. Just be there when he's ready. You've got this." She put her arms around his shoulder and gave him a little peck on his cheek. "Now try to sleep. Casey's going to need you rested."

Kelly returned the little kiss and told her he was glad that he had called her. He knew she could help him and he reassured her, that he understood why she had brought Dr Halstead along with her.

Severide really was grateful that he had someone he could turn to when things would go rough. He felt prepared for times to come. It wasn't going to be an easy time, neither for Casey nor him. But April had managed to lift his confidence. He was ready for the hurdles lying ahead of them.


	20. Chapter 20

_Because of the lack of Matt in the last Chapter, I'm posting this one less than 24h later. There's Matthew Casey all the way. So feel free to enjoy it ;-) I hope you_ will

* * *

Chapter XX

Casey's sleep was deep and restful at the beginning. The medications helped a great deal with that and the fact that his physical structure desperately needed to rest. Matt had pushed his body to its limit by not taking care of himself for a long time. The moment Gabby had left, he started to abuse his body and mind. Without intention nonetheless with a bit of awareness, of his wrong behavior.

At first, he recognized it at home. He didn't eat properly, and he didn't go to sleep every night. To be fair, the nightmares he suffered were to blame for that. He was scared they would haunt him in the daytime as well, so he thought it would be best, to sleep if only necessary; meaning when his body was too drained to stay awake. He would be watching TV at nights, or sometimes he just sat in the dark on his couch, thinking about what he could have done better. What could have stopped his wife from leaving him? He tried to recall every little detail of their marriage, and as the nights started to get longer, he even analyzed the time before their wedding or before they started dating.

Later, the firefighter recognized a change in his behavior at work, which actually did freak him out. He had tried to throw himself into work. It was all he had left. He knew he acted differently. Boden and Kelly more than once pointed it out to him. He was getting reckless, but only if it was called for. He never was doing it intentionally. It always had been in order to save someone or to be the one taking the risk, instead of risking the lives of his men. But the Chief's permanent disagreeing and Severide's scolding left him in a state of anger and annoyance. He wasn't used to getting questioned in his ability to do his job. And it felt like failing on his part, which didn't help with the sleeping problem, at all. In fact, it made it harder to get the much-needed rest, even if Matt was dog-dead tired. His ability to stay focused changed and he could feel how the lack of energy left him with a short temper. He was in danger to blow off, every time someone called him out on his behavior. He hated this feeling. It brought back memories of his childhood. His mum and dad, both of them had the same issue. His sister couldn't deal with that either, so she left. She left him and their home, and he had to stay and witness the final blow, which ended with his mother in jail, and his father six feet under.

Matt's sleep was interrupted as a heavy coughing fit started to consume him. His body began to jolt violently, and his heart-rate increased. His chest felt like it was becoming too small, to be able to breathe properly. The burning sensation that followed finally made it impossible for Matt, to keep his eyes shut. He opened them, and the mask, which still covered his face gave him the impression to suffocate him.

His mind knew that it wasn't the case at all since the mask provided oxygen for him, but the plastic around his mouth and nose felt heavy, wet and not pleasant at all. So, he ripped it off and tried to breathe through his mouth as fast and best as he could. He had to get air in his lungs. With the next violent shook, which his body had to experience, Matt had to sit up. It wasn't an easy task, but he managed. His body trembled. His arms and legs felt like dead weight attended to him and he tried to figure out how to place them.

Halstead looked at him with sleepy eyes. He must have had fallen asleep during his vigil at some point.

He acted quickly and held the bucket under his patient's face. "You have to spit everything out. Don't swallow it."

Casey did as he was told, and he retched heavily. As the coughing subsided, he could finally breathe again. His lungs were still burning, but at least the weight he felt on his chest before was gone.

He looked at what he had coughed up seconds before. Specks of yellow and green sputum covered the ground of the bucket. In between Matt could recognize little dots of red.

"Don't worry about the blood, Casey. It's common with pneumonia. Your lungs are inflamed, and the tissue can tear under that much pressure while coughing. It seems uglier than it is. Don't let it stop you from spitting it out. It doesn't belong in your stomach, believe me."

Matt sighed and tried to look anywhere else than into the bucket. Halstead took it and put it aside. Then he reached for his stethoscope he had placed on the end of the bed and ordered Matt to take in a few deep breaths. They were shaky and not sufficient as Dr Halstead wanted them to be, but he stopped the exam and told Matt that it would get better want's the antibiotics would sink in.

"Thanks," Matt whispered.

"You're welcome," Will smiled. "How are you feeling?"

Matt, who had trouble sitting up sighed and slowly began to lie back down. "Been better."

"I believe that," stated the doctor. "How's the pain?"

"I'm good," Matt lied. He didn't know why, but it came naturally to him. He didn't even think of being honest. He hadn't had the time to figure out how much pain he actually was in.

"Okay. Let's get you something to drink, and then we can readdress the pain-issue," Will told his patient. He took a glass of water, April had placed on the nightstand before she left for her night-shift at Med. Then he helped Casey sit up on the edge of his bed. Matt's body still felt heavy and uncoordinated. His eyes searched for a spot they could focus on.

"Vertigo?" Will asked him as he saw his patient's struggle to hold his body straight and steady.

"Not bad," Matt replied. "I guess I'm just tired, that's all." The doctor nodded and made a mental note for letting Severide know so that he would be prepared for helping his friend getting out of the bed. He was worried Matt could collapse and fall if he would try moving on his own.

Casey took the glass with unsteady hands and tried to take a sip. The water felt like ointment in his dry mouth and throat. Matt tried to get more, and he took three or four bigger swigs, which automatically started the gag-reflex and he almost spilled the water.

"Whoa! Easy there. Don't rush it. Your body isn't used to it," Halstead warned him.

Casey put down the glass and closed his eyes, which resulted in more waving of his whole body.

"Okay, I think that's enough for now," Will told him. "I'm helping you to lie back. I guess your balance is still off."

Matt nodded but regretted it in an instant as his head began to spin even more. His skin turned even paler as it already had been and the doctor, who noticed it asked, "Nausea?"

Casey couldn't lie this time since the retching immediately started. And for the third time, Matt found himself bowed over the bucket, while dry-heaving.

"Fuck," he sighed after he was done, and as he was slowly guided back on his back by Will.

"I think it's time to get the oxygen mask back on. Your breathing isn't very sufficient at that moment," the doctor said. Matt wanted to protest, but a new coughing fit changed his mind. "If you'd like I can switch to a nasal cannula. It's more comfortable, and it would be easier for you to talk and move.

"Whatever," Matt shrugged between coughs.

Will put the device on Matt's face, who instantly felt the difference, but never would admit it.

"And I think I can remove the catheter. You're okay with that?"

"Definitely," Matt smiled. He was glad that the doctor worked quickly and without saying a word. He felt relieved that he got rid of that unpleasant thing.

Halstead looked at him and finally asked the question Matt had feared to be asked, "So, Casey. Why?"

"Why I'm puking my guts out and coughing up my lung? You're the doc. You'll tell me," Matt tried to deflect.

Will just stood there and smiled at Matthew. He didn't need to comment on Casey's question, and he knew Matt was aware of what he actually wanted to know.

The Firefighter closed his eyes and sighed, "I'm tired."

"I bet you are," Will retorted. "Let me just say this, if you need help, of an..." but Casey wasn't interested and stopped the other, mid-sentence, "I'm good. Thanks."

"You know, you're not making that easier on yourself, if you try to ignore it," the doctor informed him.

Casey by then rolled on his side so that his back was facing Halstead. "I told you I'm tired. I just need to sleep."

Will sighed as he recognized that this conversation wouldn't happen. He actually felt sorry for Kelly, now that he was cut off by Matt, in the same rude way as his best friend. It definitely was frustrating; the doctor had to admit to himself.

"One more thing though. I want you to know that if Kelly hadn't shown up when he did, you definitely would be lying in the ICU right now, or in the morgue. You've got a great friend. He put up a great fight with me, to keep you here. If it would've been my call you'd be in a hospital bed right now."

Casey heard every word, and it didn't make the situation any more pleasant for him. He was embarrassed over this whole mess he got himself in. And he knew that he wouldn't be able to deflect and avoid the issue forever.

He heard Halstead searching through a bag and later recognized someone pulling at his I.V. Line. He didn't dare to stir, and he didn't care at all. He knew the doctor must have had given him some sort of pain medication since a few minutes afterward his body didn't hurt as much as it had before.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter XXI

The next day Will left but told Kelly he would be back in the evening to check on Casey. He gave Kelly his cell phone number for any kind of emergency. He also informed him that he had removed the catheter. Matthew still had the venous cannula, so that Will would be able to administer the I.V. Antibiotics, later that evening, but had removed the drip. Matt was now capable of taking care of his water intake on his own.

Kelly felt nervous as the doctor left. He wasn't used to providing something like medical care. And he felt nervous about-facing Casey in general. He did badly yesterday, even though Matt hadn't been able to participate in an actual conversation with him. Now that he was coherent and able to defend himself, Kelly knew he had to channel all his strength to not blow up if Matt would behave like this stupid idiot he was in the last couple of months.

He quietly made his way into Casey's room. His friend was lying on the bed, still sleeping. He looked pale and drops of sweat covered his face. His breathing appeared to be shallow and painful. His eyes moved rapidly under their lids and Kelly felt bad for his friend, as he watched his restless sleep.

He sighed and made his way back into the kitchen. He searched the cupboards and fridge for anything edible but couldn't find anything without a passed expiration date. He knew he had to buy some food to be able to prepare something easy to eat, for Matt.

Actually, he felt relieved to have an excuse for leaving. It wouldn't be long, and Matt still was sleeping. So, he made his way to the shop one block away. He bought some vegetables, fruits, and instant soup. He even took some Gatorade, in hopes it would re-boost Casey's electrolytes.

Confident and pleased he made his way back. He was surprised to find Matt standing in the living room. Kelly could tell his feet were unsteady and weak. It seemed he was concentrating on something. Kelly slowly put down his groceries and made his way over to Casey. He didn't want to startle him, so he cleared his throat before greeting him, "Good morning."

Matt nonetheless flinched and turned around to face Kelly, "Man, you trying to kill me? I've almost had a heart attack."

Kelly found it very amusing given the fact he actually saved his life not long ago, "Just wanted to finish the job you've started." He immediately thought that he blew it again and that Matt would start a fight because of his little joke.

But Casey just frowned shortly but then he just huffed, "Very funny."

"How're you feeling?" Severide asked him while he made his way over to the couch.

"Like someone kicked the shit out of me," Matt deadpanned.

"Then, shouldn't you be back in bed? Resting," Kelly looked at him sternly.

"Nah, I've slept enough," Matt answered. "And I have to clean this mess up at some point, don't I?" And he began to bow down to collect one of the bottles which were lying around. But his head began to spin madly, and he staggered backward.

Kelly caught him and tried to steady his body. "Hey," he looked him in the eyes, "You're with me?"

"Yeah, yeah," Matt replied, "Just a bit shaky after lying in bed for so long."

"You sure?"

Matt nodded but wasn't able to stop his body from shaking. Kelly guided him to the couch, "Here, sit down! I'm going to get you something to drink," he told him.

"Okay, I guess that would be good." Matt sat down and let his head fall back on the back-rest of the sofa.

He tried to regain orientation and focus again. He was seeing double, and his legs and arms began to tingle. He feared he would pass out, and Matt really didn't want that to happen in front of Kelly, after that fiasco he had put him through.

"Keep your head down," Kelly said as he approached him with the Gatorade in his hand.

Matt did it and it helped him. After some time, his vision turned normal, and he hadn't the feeling of fainting any minute.

He took the drink and slowly managed a few sips before his stomach protested and felt full. Both firefighters sat in silence. Matt had his eyes closed and tried to fight nausea.

Kelly looked worried at his friend as something caught his attention. The envelope on the table had been gone. Matt must have hidden it while Kelly was away. He felt good about his decision from the other day of not cleaning up and not letting Matt know that he had seen the divorce papers. He respected his buddy's wish and didn't comment on it now, either.

At the same time, Kelly felt an unbearable tension in himself. He wanted badly to address what had happened, but he knew Matt wouldn't let him and he feared he would risk a new fight with him. Instead, he tried to make light conversation, "Doc says you're able to start drinking and eating again. I've brought soup if you like any. And fruits. I guess vitamins couldn't hurt."

Matt just shook his head, "I'm not hungry at the moment. Honestly, I'm having trouble holding the Gatorade in."

"Oh, okay. No worries, we can eat later." Kelly was surprised at Matthew's honesty. He wasn't used to it at all. "Do you want me to get the bucket?"

"Nah, I'm good. I just want to sit and ride it out," Matt replied to Kelly's question.

Casey felt awful and he wondered when or if that feeling of having to puke everything out, the minute he consumed something would ever pass. He had been drunk before, and he had suffered the after effects, but this right now was suffering on a whole new level.

His body tried to destroy itself, he was positive about that one and he wouldn't mind if it wouldn't be that much unpleasant.

"Oh fuck, that's torture," he sighed.

"I bet you're regretting drinking the whole bottle," Kelly said to him.

Matt didn't retort. He felt the tension as badly as Kelly. And he didn't want to start a fight either, especially because he knew he couldn't win this time.

"You wanna lie down again? I can walk you to the bedroom."

"No. No moving for now," Matt whispered. His head hurt, and his lungs began to ache again. His stomach churned, and he feared the next upcoming coughing fit because in that case, he was sure he wouldn't be able to stop himself from starting puking again.

Suddenly a cold shiver passed thru him and his body began to tremble. Cold sweat ran down his spine and he asked Kelly to fetch him the blanket. Not long after he felt the fabric on his skin, he immediately felt an extreme heat rising up. He tried to manage a balance between being covered and being uncovered, but he couldn't find a solution. So, he stayed with the blanket wrapped around him.

"I don't know what's happening. I'm hot and cold at the same time," he let Kelly know, who observed his struggle.

"Guess that's the withdrawal Halstead has been talking about. It will pass, Matt."

"I hope so," he said with a trembling voice.

"Of course, it will," Kelly reassured him. "I'm going to make me some coffee, you want anything?"

"No, Severide. I'm really not able to hold anything in. Please don't ask me again."

"Sorry, I won't." Then Severide got up and left Matt on the sofa.

Casey decided to lie down, to get a few minutes of rest. He really wanted to clean up the mess he had caused over the last months. He felt ashamed that other people had seen his current living situation, and he needed to take care of it before more people he knew would recognize his sloppiness.

Severide took his time in the kitchen. He brewed himself some strong black coffee and prepared some clear soup for Matt, even if the other had pointed out he wouldn't eat anything. Kelly thought soup isn't something to eat anyway; it's more like water with flavor and salt.

He wanted to boil the water as he heard whimpering coming from the other room. He dropped the spoon he was holding and ran into the room next door. Casey was lying on the sofa with his eyes shut. His body was shivering badly, and his head tossed and turned from one side to the other, while his hands were gripping the blanket tight that his knuckles turned white. He mumbled something in his sleep. Kelly slowly approached him and tried to wake him up, "Hey Casey, wake up."

But Matt didn't react, so Kelly sat down at the edge of the sofa, and as he touched his friend's shoulder, he immediately felt the heat which was radiating from his body.

"Shit," he let out a sigh and reached for Casey's forehead. It felt wet and warm. Casey flinched but relaxed a bit after a few seconds. Kelley assumed that the cold of his hand must feel good, and the touch maybe was comforting as well. Nonetheless, Casey's movements started to become more violent and his breathing got heavier.

"Hey Matt, wake up buddy. You're having a nightmare. It's okay. You're okay." Severide tried to soothe his troubled friend.

But Matt was wrapped up in his bad dream and the fever made it almost impossible for him to reach lucidity. It was one of the nightmares that plagued him occasionally.

 _This time he dreamt about Gabby and Louie. In this one, they got shot by Darrell who seemed to be a Zombie himself. Matt wanted to throw his own body in the line of fire but was held by his mother, who wore an orange onesie. Zombie-Darrell than tried to run away and jail-mum offered Matt a gun and said, "Do it, son! You have to kill him." Matt took the gun and looked at it fascinated. It was a really nice and old one, like a revolver from some western-flick. He checked the chamber; one bullet was missing. Matt thought it was weird. Where was the last one? Then he felt pain in his abdomen. He looked down, and blood spread slowly over his grey shirt. He ripped it off of his body and threw it on the ground. He searched his abdomen and found a hole right under his sternum. An unbearable pain shot thru his bones and he wanted to scream from the top of his lungs, but he wasn't able to do so. Suddenly he heard Andy's voice, "Hey Candidate! What took you so long?" He turned around and his eyes caught the T-shirt lying on the ground. On its back in bold letters CANDIDATE._ _Andy approached him, and Casey finally could breathe and felt something similar to relief and he managed a small smile. But Andy wasn't as happy to see him, "Hey Candidate Casey, took you long enough to join me on this side. I hope you had fun playing father to my boys!" He began to shove him, "Can't have one of your own, can you? Must pretend to be super-dad for my children, while I'm rotting here."_ _Casey felt sick. He wanted to reply and explain the situation, but his mouth was sewed up._

Kelly didn't know what to do. Matt wasn't waking up, and he seemed to be in a lot of pain, given his heavy breathing and his tensed posture. At some point, he almost cried out, while curling in on himself and wrapping his arms around his middle.

"Matt! Come on," he pleaded. "You have to wake up." Kelly shook him again. But Matt simply tried to fight him off while tears began to roll down his cheeks.

"Oh God Casey. I'm here. Can you hear me? Come on. Please open your eyes."

Kelly took both of Matt's hands and held them tight so that he couldn't flail around. "Shhhh," Severide tried to soothe once more. "It's all gonna be okay Matt."

Finally, Casey slowed down and stopped fidgeting. His body was still being tense and his eyes rapidly moving underneath his lids, but Matt started to come out of his nightmare, Kelly could tell.

"Good, that's better," Kelly said in a low, soothing voice. "You're safe. Casey, I'm here. Nothing's going to happen. I swear."

Matt whimpered, and Kelly could feel his trembling hands in his. He placed them on Matt's stomach and reached for his face. He took one end of the blanket to dry Casey's forehead and cheeks off from sweat and tears.

"Oh, Matt. I'm so sorry you have to go thru all of this," Kelly was terrified by what he had witnessed. Matt's struggle through that nightmare would always stay in his memory. He never would be able to forget the terror his friend's body posture showed during this few minutes.

He was overwhelmed with his own angst and worry over Matt, that he reached out his arm again, and awkwardly patted his friend's blonde, sweaty hair as an attempt to offer comfort.

At that moment Casey opened his eyes. He looked at Severide and in an instant withdrew himself. He pressed his upper body against the back cushion and looked shocked, similar to a deer caught in the headlight.

Severide as well was startled and withdrew. Both men now looked at each other horrified.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter XXII

Kelly was the first one to recover from his shock. He looked at Casey, who was still trembling slightly and asked him, "You okay?"

Matt didn't dare to look his friend in the eyes. Kelly could tell he felt embarrassed and unsure how to behave in such an awkward situation. He wanted badly for Matt to loosen up and he tried to reassure him that nothing had happened he needed to be ashamed of.

He cleared his throat and addressed the issue, "You've had a nightmare. I guess that's part of the detox your body is going thru. And your temperature is up. I always get bad dreams when I'm feverish. So, don't worry, Casey."

Matt tried to sit up but didn't have the strength to do it right, which left him leaning crookedly in on the back-rest. He still felt the jitters roaming through his body and mind. He absently rubbed his belly on the spot where the bullet had gone through in his dream.

"Are you in pain," Kelly asked with worry. "Is it bad? Should I call Dr Halstead?"

Matt stopped his movement immediately and instead reached with his hand to his forehead and pressed against it. His head was spinning and pounding, and Matt needed it to stop. He had to find a way to talk to Kelly, without sounding like a scared little kid, although he actually felt like one right now.

He rubbed his eyes and took in a big breath, which ultimately started a coughing fit. Kelly observed Casey's struggle for a short time and decided he had to do something, "Okay Casey, come on. I'll help you sit up. Then I'm helping you to walk back to your bedroom. You need rest."

Matt wanted to resist at first and to sit up on his own, but he had to give up eventually and let Kelly help him. After Matt sat properly next to Kelly and his coughing subsided Kelly tried to address an issue, which bothered him, actually since he met Matthew Casey a long time ago.

"You know it would be a lot of easier for you to let me help you from time to time. You're exhaust as it is, why fight me?"

"Don't know. Habit," Matt answered dully.

"You should really ditch that, it's annoying."

"Sorry," Matt whispered. "I know I'm a pain in the ass."

Kelly was surprised by that honesty, "Don't bother, I can be that too, I know that."

"That's an understatement. When haven't you been?" Matt's mood lightened up a bit, even though he still hadn't been able to look Kelly in his eyes. But he could feel that he got his inner control back.

"Careful, Casey! You still need me here. Don't anger the nurse!"

"Phff, you're my nurse? Remind me of suing my insurance company."

"You're mean and good luck with that."

Both men were relieved that the awkwardness from before was finally subsiding and that they could still have some fun with brotherly banter, during this time of nervous tension.

"You wanna go back to bed now?" Kelly asked.

"Nah, I'm good. I'd like to take a shower, that's what I really want," Matt answered. He felt dirty and sweaty. He desperately needed to get rid of the last couple of hours, and a hot shower sounded like heaven to him.

"You think you're up for it? I'm not so sure that's a great idea." Kelly was worried Casey would collapse under the hot water and would do more damage than to help himself.

"Honestly I'm not sure, but I have to try." Matt then could muster the strength to stand up. His body felt weak, and his feet were unsteady, but he managed the few steps in the direction of the bathroom.

"Hey Matt, I'm coming with," Kelly surprisingly offered.

"What?" Matt turned around and looked shocked at Kelly, "no way you're taking a shower with me."

"Of course not! Are you insane?" Kelly stated quickly, "I'm just standing there to make sure you're not collapsing, or something else unfortunate happens."

"So, you just want to watch? I guess that's not weird at all," Matt smirked.

"God, your such an idiot, sometimes," Kelly was getting tired of Matt not being serious about this. He was afraid his friend could fall and hit his head. "But just to be clear. You want to shower; I'm coming with! Otherwise, it ain't gonna happen."

Matt now sensed that he, himself, was getting upset about this. He tried to hide it and to ignore the feeling of total embarrassment.

"You're kidding, right?" Matt huffed, "Severide, I'm absolutely capable of taking a shower alone. Believe me. I'm doing this since I'm a little child. I'll even wash my ears, pinky promise."

"Either I'm in the bathroom, or no one's gonna be in there." Kelly didn't cave in. "Listen, Matt, I don't like it either, but it's too risky. You barely have been able to sit up straight, a few minutes ago, now you wanna get into the shower? That's just stupid."

"Yeah well, apparently that's what I am," Matt said as he walked into the bathroom and quickly shut the door before Kelly could enter. Severide was left alone in the hallway and heard as the lock got closed. "Perfect," he mumbled then he shouted, "Very mature, Matt! You know I can open that door if I want to."

But Matt didn't reply. Kelly felt nervous and angry at the same time. He feared for the worst, given the state in which Matt had been before therefore he decided to stay in front of the bathroom just in case something would happen. He listened as the shower was turned on.

Matt still felt unsteady and weak, but he was proud that he managed to stand in the shower by himself, although his hands trembled as he tried to hold himself upright by holding on to the wall in front of him. But the hot water did feel good on his skin, and he literally could feel how his labored breath and the pain in his stomach were washed away, and left him with the ability to breath normal, again.

Casey still was shaken up about his bad dream. He couldn't erase the memory of Andy shoving him and accusing him of stealing Ben and Griffin. He had this kind of dreams when he had been their guardian. He chalked it up to his guilt of being alive and able to spend time with them, while their father was dead and couldn't be a part of their life anymore.

He was lost in his thoughts, as he heard Kelly' frustrated voice, "Hey, Casey! You're okay in there?"

He stopped the water and made his way to the towel rack. He had to steady himself alongside the wall. He was exhaust, and he was glad he managed to dry himself up before he swayed to the door. He opened it and immediately was held upright by Kelly.

"Okay. I've got you. Now you're on bed rest, for the next few hours."

Matt let Kelly support him on his way back to his bed. He was still wearing his towel around his hips and with a small voice, he asked, "Could you give me some clothes?"

Kelly did as he was told and asked, "You need help with that?" His voice sounded pissed, and he apparently was angry at Matt for ignoring his worries. Matt shook his head and started to dress.

Kelly couldn't pass over the fact that Matt had lost some weight, "Man you look like a chicken."

"Yeah, but like an awesome one," Matt smirked. He tried to deflect and to not point any more significance to it as Kelly already did.

"That's so not funny. I'll make some soup. You need to eat something. Try to rest up. You look like dead meat."

"What now? Chicken or dead meat?" Matt shouted after Kelly who was already on his way to the kitchen. But his voice was thin, and he sighed.

Matt looked down on himself. He knew he had lost weight and it bothered him. He liked being in shape, who doesn't? But he wasn't hungry and if he ate something his stomach felt full after a few bites anyway.

He looked at his ribcage. The bruising was turning a lighter shade. It still hurt him, if he moved too quickly or bend too much. Rolling around in bed felt like sleeping on stones stabbing him in his side.

Matt lied down and tried to get some rest like Kelly had told him to, but he wasn't able to. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw little bits and pieces from his dream.


	23. Chapter 23

Sorry for the late update, but I was swamped these past couples of days with work and private issues. It's possible I can't update as often as I used to since it seems to be hectic the next few weeks. I still try my best and hope you'll stick with me nonetheless.

* * *

Chapter XXIII

The rest of the day went by without any great disturbances. Kelly tried to clean up the mess in the living room. Now, that the envelope was hidden, he didn't have an excuse for ignoring the mess. He gathered the empty bottles and put them into bags. He would toss them out later. Kelly planed for Matt to see them. He wanted him to face how much alcohol he had drunken in the last few weeks. Therefore, Severide left the bags standing there like a memorial, a reminder of the bad habit, Matt had adopted. It was mean and brutal, but he hoped it would act as a wake-up call in some kind of way.

He got rid of the food cartons; they were gross, and he knew he should have tossed them out the first time he was visiting. The clothes were put into the hamper in the bathroom. Severide knew Matt wouldn't want him to wash them. He tried to keep out of Casey's personal items as much as possible. He didn't want to risk any fight with his friend again. And knowing Matt, he knew he wouldn't accept meddling in his stuff. It would only function as ammunition, for the blonde firefighter to blow up.

Matt didn't leave his bed at all, and Kelly was worried about it, but given the fact that he had told him to stay there before, he didn't dare to say something about it.

He only hoped that Matt was feeling better after the long rest as he entered the dark room.

"Hey Casey, you're up?"

Matt was lying with his duvet covering his whole body. Nonetheless, Kelly could see him shivering. "Are you cold?" He asked as he stepped in front of the bed.

Casey's head was flushed, and his lips were shimmering blueish. His hair was damp and the refreshing shower he took earlier didn't show at all.

"Why didn't you call for me?" Kelly sighed, "You're really stupid at times, you know that. Right?"

Matt looked at Kelly with half-closed eyes and mumbled, "I'm fine. Just cold."

"Fine? My ass. You look half dead. You have a fever, and you look like if you're wearing blue lipstick. Here let me put on that damn mask again." Kelly reached for the nasal cannula lying next to Casey. "You could have done it yourself, but you're just too stubborn."

"Sorry," Matt tried not to anger Kelly anymore as he already seemed to be. He felt sick and wasn't up to any confrontations or quarrels.

"You don't have to apologize to me. It's not my lungs that don't get enough oxygen."

"Sorry, I guess I didn't see it lying there," Matt tried to explain, "But thanks, it's already better."

Kelly sighed at the man lying in front of him. "You know what, Casey? If we want this to be working," he pointed between himself and Matt, "we must set a few rules."

The other one looked bewildered at his counterpart, "What exactly do you mean when you say 'this'?" Matt whispered in a shaky voice, because of the shivers running through his body.

Kelly tried hard to stay calm and not to make any accusations, but his temper got in his way.

"Me helping you. To get back on your feet, after almost choking on your own puke, for god sake!"

"I didn't ask you to help me," Matt tried to raise his voice, but was too weak to do so.

"Of course not! Matthew Casey never needs any help with anything from anyone," Kelly sarcastically rambled. "But you know what? I'm not gonna listen to you anymore. I'm not going to let you push me away. Sorry, pal. Not gonna happen. You're stuck with me," Kelly told him, without even a blink he added, "And just so you know, I found the divorce papers."

Kelly let out a deep breath of relief. He was glad he confronted the issue on his behalf because he knew Casey would never have done it. Matt's eyes were glassy from the fever, but Kelly wasn't sure if tears weren't threatening to fall.

So, he toned down his voice a bit, "And you know what? I'm going to help you through this as well. Don't know how, but I'll try. You're not dead, Casey." He tried to look Matt in his eyes, but the other made it almost impossible for him. "Gabby didn't define you. She doesn't have this much power over you."

Matt closed his eyes and swallowed hard. "I'm tired," he quietly said and turned on his side, away from Kelly. He hissed in pain as his ribs protested.

"Typical, Casey," Kelly huffed. "That's one of the new rules. No more avoidance of important discussions. You have to start dealing with your emotions, otherwise…"

"Otherwise what, Kelly?" Matt turned back and looked pissed at his friend. "Otherwise you're leaving?" Matt challenged his friend, "Then I guess I'm going to avoid this conversation right here and now." He glared at Kelly who had a hard time not to smack him over his head. Casey felt his lungs starting to protest as he began to yell.

Severide didn't cave in. "No. I told you already. You're stuck with me. And this kind of attitude isn't going to make me disappear, or any of your problems."

"At that moment you're my only problem," Matt huffed as he was getting trouble breathing. His lungs spasmed, and a new coughing fit started.

Kelly shook his head as he saw Matt's struggle. He reached for the bucket and stated, "First of all, you need to get your health back. If you did not notice, you're actually sick."

Matt coughed up some sputum, that was plaguing him. Kelly was holding the bucket once again for him and helped him to sit up. "Better?" Severide asked as Casey could breathe normally again. Matt nodded and let himself fall back.

"If you like it or not, you need someone right now. You've got pneumonia; this isn't just a cold." Kelly stated the obvious.

"I know what it is," Matt rolled his eyes at Kelly's attempt of trying to tell him that he was useless on his own, "I don't like to be watched." Kelly rolled his eyes when he heard this. Matt noticed it and tried to explain it a bit nicer, "And I don't like it when someone has to look after me."

Kelly shook his head and sighed, "Why? Let people help you. I'm doing it because I want to, not because I have to. You see the difference?"

"Just so you know, you don't have to, is all I'm saying," Matt stated, trying not to sound as rude as before, even if it was nearly impossible for him to manage. He badly wanted to be left alone. He couldn't gather any more energy to talk, especially not about what had happened to him in this last 48 hours.

"Duly noted," Kelly said, then switched to another issue, "Now, do you want something to eat? I've got a great soup ready. My mom's recipe."

"I guess a few spoons couldn't hurt," Matt tried to muster a small smile. He knew Kelly meant well and he felt sorry for giving him such a hard time. He was aware of what a moron he could be at times.

"Great, I'll go get it," Kelly stood up and left the room.

Matt actually was hungry as he dug into the bowl of vegetable soup. The first few spoons felt good and soothing, but after a while, his stomach began to protest. Matt had the impression he just ate a bowl of stones, even though Kelly was an excellent cook and it tasted delicious. But the soup and his stomach were clearly fighting a battle against each other. Matt didn't know if the alcohol still was to blame or the fact that he hadn't eaten something decent in more than two or three days. He tried to remember when and what he had eaten the last time. He just couldn't.

It didn't last long, and he had the urge to vomit again. Kelly sighed, „I guess I should have given you the clear soup I've prepared earlier. But I thought you needed something more substantial. That's totally my fault, Matt. I'm sorry."

"Don't bother. I ate too much too soon. Would have happened anyway. And as you pointed out earlier, I'm sick," Matt tried to reassure Kelly that he didn't cause the new wave of nausea.

"You should try to sleep some more. Dr Halstead is going to be here any minute. He texted me. He wants to start the Antibiotic drip. Maybe he can give you something for nausea too."

Matt nodded at Kelly and closed his eyes once more. He felt awful and counted the minutes, till Halstead's arrival. He needed something to take the edge off of his pain and discomfort.

He was glad as he heard the doctor enter his room. He told him about his upset stomach, and about the fact that he felt like he would be boiled alive.

Will did a quick examination before he inserted a new intravenous cannula. The old one wasn't functioning right after the sweat and water from the shower loosened the sterile plaster, which was supposed to hold it in its place.

"You have to be more careful with this one. We need it to work a bit longer than just one day," Will said.

"I will be," Matt assured him.

"And I'm going to change the dressing on your shoulder. You should have put the bandage off after the shower. It's all soggy and damp now. That's not conducive to healing at all." The doctor didn't mean to be cautionary, but he had to point it out to his patient to get it right the next time.

"So how have you been?" The doctor asked as he prepared the I.V. Line, "I mean besides the fever and nausea. Any other symptoms I should know of?"

Matt thought about it, and he considered to tell Will about his nightmares and his trouble with falling asleep occasionally. Maybe he could prescribe some sleeping pills for him. Casey wasn't fond of taking any medications, and he usually wouldn't consider taking some. But desperate times call for desperate measures, he thought. He looked at Halstead and wanted to address the issue, "I ... think I ...No," but he caved as his courage left him. " No. Nothing that I can think of. I'm just weak, and I'm cold since I've taken that shower."

Halstead picked up on the hesitation but didn't comment on it because he knew Matt by now. He just had to be patient and wait for him to open up on his terms.

"That's the fever. Your body had been on quite a rollercoaster ride. First, you've been hypothermic due to the alcohol poisoning, and now you're feverish. Your body is fighting the infection. I'll give you something that reduces your temperature."

"Can you give me something that will help with the coughing too? It's getting really annoying. The constant fits started to bother my sore ribs again."

"There's not much that I can do, because it's best if you get rid of all the sputum that's clogging up your lungs. But I'll give you something to inhale. It will open up your bronchial tubes. You have to be patient and stay in bed for at least three more days. And for your troubling ribs, it's best to put you on a pain management routine for the next couple of days. I'll let Kelly know, to get some Ibuprofen for you. That should help, and it doesn't affect the stomach as much as other pain-relievers."

Matt wasn't pleased with this news. He was upset that he was put on bedrest, but on the other hand, he wasn't able to get up anyway. He felt terrible because Severide had to go to the drugstore to get him those painkillers. Matt felt frustrated as Will redressed his shoulder bandage and he asked the doctor, "When can I get back to work?"

Halstead looked at him and tried to deliver the news as positive as possible, "Casey, I'm afraid I can't tell you the exact date. We have to take it day by day. You're on sick-leave at the moment, because of your shoulder, right?" Matt nodded. "Well, I'm afraid, the pneumonia is even a bigger issue."

"Just tell me when I'm able to go back to work," Casey was nervous, but he didn't want to sound too demanding, so he added a quick, "Please."

"I make you an offer, Matthew. You follow mine and Kelly's orders for the next couple of days. Next week you have an appointment with Dr Choi at Med, I believe I read it in your file."

Matt nodded. "Okay. So, when you there to get your shoulder checked, you'll find me, and I sneak you into the radiology department, and we're taking an X-ray of your lungs. Then I can tell you if you're on schedule with going back to work. Sound's good?"

"Yeah, okay. Sounds like a plan."

Matt was devasted, he feared he would never be able to get back to work. He knew he was overdramatic, but the fever and the constant pain and exhaustion didn't exactly function as a booster for clear thinking. All Matt could now do was follow the doctor's order and to behave like an adult towards Kelly. Matt sighed and turned around. He would try to sleep and let the medicine do its job.

* * *

Before Halstead left, he wanted to talk to Severide. He found him sitting in a relatively tidy living room. It wasn't spotless, but the majority of the mess was gone.

"How did it go?" The doctor was curious.

"It was ...," Kelly had to recall all of the events that had taken place than admitted, "It was exhausting."

"You look like it," he said as he recognized his worn-out features. "I like what you did with this room. It actually looks like a nice place."

"It had to be done, eventually. And Casey's clearly in no shape to do it, so I took care of it."

"You're a good friend." Will meant it as he told him.

"He doesn't think so, but I don't let him stop me from trying. As you said, he needs time. And now I'm willing to let him have some space."

Will nodded and was impressed with Kelly's new positive approach, "So, no arguments or fights?"

"Oh no, we fought," Kelly smirked, „but I guess we just work that way. And I'm not going to sugarcoat it for him. I let him know what I think, and he has to deal with it. He doesn't spare my feelings, why should I dance around his?"

"I guess that's fair. Just, don't kill each other!" Halstead smiled.

"Can't make any promises, but I try to avoid turning it into a criminal case."

Will smirked at that, and then he sat down next to Kelly.

"I asked Casey about any other symptoms besides the ones caused by pneumonia. He only admitted to being in pain because of his sore ribs. Did you catch up on anything?"

Kelly thought about it and finally told him, of witnessing the nightmare and the physical violation caused by it, "His whole body was tense, and he seemed to be in a great deal of pain."

Halstead listened to Kelly's description and told him afterward, "It's called night terror. Normally children suffer from it, but substance abuse, and fever as well, can cause them in adults. Remember when I told you about possible withdrawal? That is most likely the cause."

Kelly nodded at the doctor to let him know he understood, then he sadly added, "It must have been terrible. I couldn't get him to wake up. And as he finally came out of it, he looked like a little child, afraid and in shock."

"It's called terror for a reason," Halstead sighed. "Let me know if it becomes a regular issue."

Kelly felt bad to talk about Casey like he was a medical case, but at the same time, he didn't know what else to do. He couldn't deal with all these symptoms Matt displayed. He was a firefighter, not a doctor nor a nurse. He needed someone with the ability to actually help with the pain, wheezing and vomiting.

The doctor let Severide know about the Ibuprofen and that he would be back tomorrow the same time to administer the next dose of Antibiotics. He informed him, he would have to give him instructions on how to handle the I.V., because it was necessary for them to follow the specific timeline. He wouldn't be able to be on time for every dose, so Kelly had to jump in, eventually. Severide felt nervous about it, but he agreed to it. He didn't have a choice after all. He still could ask Brett or Kidd, but he didn't want the team to get involved.

As Will had left, Kelly made his way into the bedroom to check in on Casey. He seemed to be asleep. Kelly was happy that finally, he could rest. He knew that his friend's body needed it, so he didn't disturb him. He would later fall asleep himself in the living room, which actually looked like a living room again. The TV on mute, so that Casey wouldn't be woken up; the Chicago Blackhawks fighting like mad against their rival on the shiny white ice.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter XXIV

The next six days turned out to be an ordeal for all who were involved in getting Matthew Casey back on his feet, after the alcohol poisoning incident. Casey had been in and out of consciousness for the first three days, due to the fever caused by pneumonia. He managed to sleep thru the fever highs but was woken eventually when stomach cramps or a severe coughing fit rattled his body. Kelly had turned into a capable nurse by now. He reduced Matt's temperature by applying cold leg compressions, and he managed the I.V. medications like a professional. The venous cannula still did his job, and Will had informed Kelly that he wanted to switch to oral Antibiotics soon.

A few times Kelly had to comfort Matt thru some night-terrors, but they didn't seem as brutal as the one he had on the first day after the alcohol poisoning.

Severide tried hard to stay focused on taking care of Casey. Of course, he had received thousands of text messages from firehouse 51. He had called Boden the first evening, telling him that Casey finally did take his offer to go on the fishing trip, "So. Chief, I just wanted to let you know that I need the next three shifts off."

He felt a pang of guilt as he heard an exciting Boden reply, "take as much time as you need. You both deserve time off. Just help him to come back as the leader he's supposed to be." The irony of that request and what he actually was going to see when he went back into Casey's bedroom hadn't been lost on Kelly. He remembered the Chief's words as he looked at Casey, a few moments later, lying in his bed, hooked up on an I.V. drip and a mask to help him breathe after he almost died from alcohol poisoning.

The next few days, everyone at the firehouse had been curious how Kelly was doing. They were surprised to learn he did take a furlough out of the blue. Of course, they assumed he would be with Casey since he was on sick leave after hurting his shoulder apparently much worse than they thought at the beginning. They all still were worried about their Captain and curious how he was doing. They simply didn't dare to call or text Casey himself.

Kelly kept the answers short and casual by pointing out that he and Casey enjoyed the trip and that the fish were biting.

Kelly tried to call Stella almost every evening. He would step outside, and it actually felt good talking to her, but he also felt bad about lying. Their relationship was still young, and yet he already was keeping a secret from her. But telling her the truth had never been an option. Not because he didn't trust her to keep it under wraps, he just couldn't betray Casey. If one member of his team knew how poorly his judgment had been, it would put a strain on the team's ability to work together as a unit. Kelly wasn't sure if Stella knew that he wasn't telling her the truth, but even if she suspected something, she didn't call him out on it, which made him love and missed her even more.

After three days of high fever and chills running thru his body, Casey finally felt better. The temperature went down, and he didn't have the impression of living in the Arctic anymore. His mood, on the other hand, didn't catch up with his physical healing.

Matt was cranky and frustrated. He didn't like being watched by Severide, and he didn't want that Dr. Halstead came by every evening with the Antibiotics in his bag. He knew he was an ass for not appreciating all the effort it took his friends to help him through these tough few days of sickness.

Kelly really stepped up his game in ignoring Casey's sarcastic remarks and severe mood swings. He simply didn't act on it and even stepped outside if he felt the urge to strangle his best friend. Maybe it had been something like compassion which held Kelly back not to confront Matt or to raise his voice against him when he behaved like a total douche again.

Casey was allowed out of bed after the fever was gone for a whole day. He still was weak, and his body looked like he had run a marathon. The weight-loss was visible now, even if he was wearing clothes. His stomach still wouldn't allow him proper meals, and occasionally Matt had to run to the toilet to throw up everything that Kelly had cooked for them. Casey felt sorry every time it happened. Kelly reassured him that he didn't take it as an offend. He knew he was a decent cook, not like his step-sister of course, but he could handle some ham and eggs or Pasta.

Severide really got worried about Casey's appearance. He secretly would try to think of some excuse to tell Boden, for the time the two of them would return to work. It wouldn't get lost on any of the members of House 51, that their Captain looked like he had been captured in a Russian gulag or something.

One day he asked Halstead about it. "He looks like one of these Emo-kids. He's supposed to get better, not worse. What's happening?"

"His body had to fight a lot these past couples of days, and given the fact, that his BMI wasn't great from the start, I guess it adds up. How is his appetite?"

"He says he's hungry. Apparently, that's not the issue. But if he starts eating, his stomach protests. After throwing up he's all better and tries to eat some more, but after a few bites, he has to give in. He jokes and says he thinks his stomach is allergic to any kind of food by now."

"Sounds like acute gastritis. I guess the alcohol and the lack of food combined with the pain-killers aggravated his stomach linings. He should try to avoid spicy foods and drink chamomile or ginger tea." The doctor informed Kelly.

Severide nodded but wasn't going to drop the issue, "Can't you give him some meds too. He's really in a lot of pain. Sometimes I hear him whimper in the nights before he's off to the toilet again."

"I'll talk to him about it. Where's he anyway?" Will asked. He had noticed Matt's absence since he arrived.

"He said he wanted to lie down. Said he is bored out of his mind, doing nothing than following our stupid rules. Whatever that means." Severide huffed then he casually added, "He's just cranky most of the time. Can't blame him though. I'm bored as well, and I'm not sick, on top of it like he is."

Will frowned at Kelly's humility, "What happened with your plan to not sugarcoat everything for him? To let him taste some tough love?"

Severide sighed again, "Honestly, I don't know. He's just … The last couple of days were rough on him like you had predicted. The fever and the stomach cramps used up all his energy. Two nights ago, he had one of these bad dreams again. I'm just worried, and I get that he needs time."

The doctor looked at Severide and warned him, "I see. But don't get too caught up in his self-pity. He did that to himself."

"You were the one who scolded me about being too hard on him." Severide tried to defend himself and his actions

"That was a few hours after he almost ended up in the ICU. He's better now, physically. Now he has to start dealing with what has happened, or it will happen again."

Kelly felt a shiver running thru his spine by hearing the possibility to endure this whole mess again with Matt. He managed to ignore it and stated with newfound energy, "I guess you're right. Now that you've mentioned it, I didn't realize how much he manipulates me into dropping the issue completely."

Halstead smiled at Kelly, "Don't beat yourself up. He's a master of deflection. Believe me, I've noticed. He even prefers to start a fight before you could start an actual conversation with him. Last time I was here, I almost called him an unthankful idiot. He's just good at getting people to avoid him."

"Oh, I know how you feel. I do. Sometimes I have to leave the house for a few minutes, just to get some air and to cool off." Severide admitted to his companion.

"You're doing great, Kelly," Will told him, "and you're doing a great job of taking care of him. He'll appreciate it eventually."

"I don't care if he'll thank me someday. I just hope he can come back to his job and forget all the bad that has happened to him. I want him to be happy for once in his life." Kelly meant every word he was saying. He thought about Stella and how happy he had become in the last few months. And he knew, that Matt encouraging him actually to act on his feelings towards Stella, played a huge part in him finally finding his luck. "Casey's a good and caring guy, and he deserves luck in this life just like the rest of us."

"That he does," Will agreed. "I'm going to see him and let you know when I'm done."

Kelly nodded and hoped Will would be able to help Casey with his upset stomach. The firefighter needed to put on some weight before he could actually go back to fighting fires.

* * *

Will entered the bedroom and found Casey sitting on his bed with his back resting against the bed wall. He looked haggard like Kelly had told him. He had lost weight, and Halstead tried to figure out how he could help him with that.

He greeted his patient, "Hey, Casey! How have you been, these last three days?" He waited for a smart reply from Casey, but he just sighed and looked at Will with dead eyes.

"What's the matter?" he asked, "you're in pain?" He noticed the thin layer of sweat shimmering on the man's forehead, and his slightly trembling hands.

Casey sat on the edge of the bed and said, "No, not right now."

"Okay," Will approached him and placed the chair which was still standing in the bedroom in front of him. "Kelly told me you've trouble eating. Said, you can't hold anything in? Is this correct?"

"Kelly's a blabbermouth," Matt sighed, "but yes, that sounds about right. I have these stomach cramps every time I'm trying to eat something. It's annoying, to say the least. It makes me kind of weak. Not exactly a good attribute for a firefighter. ... Once, I'm allowed to go back to my job." Matt huffed, "If I'm ever allowed to be back."

Will had the impression Matt was losing all of his hope, right here and now. He didn't want to add into his depression, so he merely tried to cheer him up by saying, "Of course you're allowed to be back at work. Tomorrow you've got that appointment at Med. We'll know more after the blood test, and the X-ray we're planning to do. Remember I told you to look for me while you're there?"

Matt nodded.

"I'll do a quick exam, and then we can talk about getting you on a diet plan to fuel up your calorie input. Okay?"

Matt let Halstead listen to his lungs and examine his abdomen. It was painful as the doctor palpated the gastric area. As he had to flinch and hiss at the contact, the doctor stated the obvious, "It's very firm and sensitive to the touch. My guess is you're suffering from acute gastritis. It's the stomach lining that is inflamed. Did you have stomach problems before the alcohol poisoning?"

Matt bowed his head as he heard the words alcohol and poisoning. He and Kelly had avoided any conversation regarding the issue since the last couple of days. Matt still felt embarrassed about what he had done. He was glad Severide didn't mention it since the day after the day it had occurred. Casey was aware that Kelly wanted badly to talk about it. He had seen the bags of bottles Kelly had placed in the living room. The vodka bottle on top of empty beer cans and other liquor bottles. He even had finished the Old Rumpelstiltskin 20, he had gotten from Jack Nesbitt ages ago. It tasted bitter and sweet, like revenge that had never actually happened, through Casey's part of view. He thought about Katja and her unnecessary death while he sipped the dark brown liquid. He knew why Severide had placed the bags there, but Casey simply couldn't bring himself to face reality. As long as nobody would talk about it, he could pretend this day never actually had happened. He wasn't proud of how he had handled the news of the delivering of the divorce papers. He still couldn't nor wouldn't believe Gabby actually was filing for divorce.

He was lost in thoughts as Halstead tried to get his attention again, "Hey Casey? You've had trouble with your stomach before?"

Matt shook his head, even if he had the same symptoms, from time to time throughout his life. As a young child, he frequently suffered from it. He experienced this kind of pain when everything went south with Detective Voight a couple of years back. And the time he was alone in the cabin after losing Hallie, Matt puked his guts out, every time he ate one of the fish he had managed to catch. His mother always used to say that he was a delicate boy, whose body simply reacted to his father's wrongdoing. His father, on the other hand, blamed the bitchiness of his mother for his unease and told him "to man-up!".

Matt thought he learned to live with his upset stomach, but this time it didn't stop. It usually went away after three to four days, now it was lasting much longer, and the pain became much more intensive then it ever had been before.

"I could do a gastroscopy if the pain will continue. But it's a very unpleasant examination, and I don't want to put more stress on you than necessary. So, I guess we'll wait and see if it wears off with medication and following a strict diet."

Matt was glad he didn't have to do the gastroscopy. He had one when he was fifteen, and it wasn't pleasant at all.

Casey just nodded at Will's offer, who recognized his lack of drive and the lack of sarcasm he actually had been expecting, "You're awfully quiet today. Something's bothering you?"

"Just tired, that's all. I didn't catch any sleep" Matt said. Casey didn't want the doctor to know, that he had experienced a nightmare just half an hour ago before his arrival. It was a terrifying one, and he wanted badly to forget about it.

Halstead knew something was eating at Matt, but he didn't press the issue, "Okay then, I think you'll be happy to hear this when I'll tell you that your lung sounds are much better than the last time. I guess the coughing lessened?"

"Yeah, since yesterday it's much better and easier to breathe," Matt confirmed Will's assumption.

"That's great! I remove the cannula an I put you on oral Antibiotics until we know for sure, but I think the pneumonia is regressing."

Matt finally managed a small smile, hearing that message. He was glad some of his medical problems finally seemed to get better. His body had become his enemy. At least, that's how it felt, the last couple of days.

Will changed the bandage on Matt's healing shoulder wound when he looked Casey in his eyes and finally addressed something he couldn't avoid any longer.

"I've meant to ask you something. I want you to know that I'm not judging you, neither I'm going to report anything you tell me. As far as I'm concerned, I'm your doctor, and I'm trying to help you in the best ways possible. You have to know, even if I'm treating you off the record, you are entitled to patient-doctor confidentiality."

Matt felt a tension rise in him, which he couldn't define, but Halstead's speech left him in unease, and he feared what was coming.

"But I have to ask you about the alcohol, and how much you've been drinking lately."

Casey's jaw dropped. He looked stunned at Halstead and began to squirm under the touch, while the doctor placed a new smaller plaster on his shoulder.

The doctor did let go of him and placed his hands casually on his lap as he sat back in his chair, waiting patiently for Matt to answer.

As Matt had gathered his thoughts, and finally put two and two together, he asked, "What's this? An interrogation or something like an intervention?" His face showed his discomfort but also his rising anger, "I'm not a drunk! If that's what you're thinking."

"I never said that, I ..." Will began, but Matt stopped him immediately, "No. You just asked if I am. And of course, you think I am!"

"No, Matt! That's not what I'm thinking. It's a common question to ask a patient with a history of alcohol poisoning." Halsted stated calmly and rationally.

"Okay so now I'm that guy! The one, who almost killed himself, by drinking a vodka bottle? ... Great!" Matt huffed and threw his hands in the air. "I'm never going to get out of this, aren't I? Everyone will think I'm an alcoholic."

"First of all, thanks to Severide only three people besides you know what had happened. So, stay calm and try to answer my question! Have you been drinking more alcohol recently? And if, is there going to be a problem in the long run? Meaning: should I get you some help. As your doctor, I can recommend someone you could talk to."

Matt glared at Will and finally told him in a stern voice, "I am not an alcoholic! I've drunk the vodka, I know it was wrong. I shouldn't have done it, but I can't change what happened. I'm thankful to you and Kelly for helping me. But I am not gonna let you turn me into some guy, who can't live without his bottle." Matt was furious and disappointed in himself and at Will for finally bringing it up. "Maybe I've got a few too many these couple of weeks, but I can stop! Any time. … I didn't have a drink for seven days. You didn't think of that, did you?" Matt challenged his counterpart.

"You've also experienced withdrawal, and your constant mood swings could be signs of craving," Will stated still rationally.

"My mood swings are a sign of being accused of being a nut-case and to be stuck here with watchman one and two 24/7. Like I can't take care of myself."

Will tried to stay calm, "I'm sorry you feel that way. As I said before, I'm not judging, just trying to help. But if you say there isn't a problem, then I believe you. Okay?"

Matt took a deep breath and nodded.

"Okay," Will closed the case and tried to change the subject. "So, about your upset stomach. I'll put you on PPIs. They reduce the production of acid in your stomach. That should help you to be able to eat without throwing up afterward."

Matt nodded again. He couldn't get himself to say anything since he still was feeling more than upset about Will's accusation from before. He knew he was behaving like a pouting teenager, but his inner rage was boiling, and Matt didn't even know if he was actually mad at the man in front of him, or more at himself.

Will recognized Matt's inner turmoil and put his hand on the other man's knee, which was trembling with rage. "Hey, Matthew. Look at me!"

Matt looked up and met the doctor's eyes, "What?"

"You have to calm down. I had to ask this question. I'm sorry if I upset you, but I had a good reason to confront you. You've almost died that night. Do you understand that? I need to know if there's any kind of possibility for something like this to happen to you again."

Matt huffed and snapped at Halstead, "Is this the reason Kelly's still watching me and you're showing up here, every time you have nothing better to do?"

"No. That's not the reason at all. I'm treating you, and Kelly is staying because he's deeply worried about his best friend."

"I told him that's not necessary," Matt grumbled.

"Yeah well, and he told me you would be doing the same thing for him. So, you're obviously stuck with watchman two and one," Will smirked at Casey, who finally could muster a slight smile back. It wasn't an honest one, but Will took what he would get.

"Okay, Matt. If you have nothing more to tell me that I should know of, then I guess I'm done here. I'm glad you're finally feeling a bit better, and tomorrow we will see each other at the hospital."

Casey managed a small "thank you" and then went back to lying in his bed. He didn't want to face Kelly while he still was angry and upset. He knew Kelly would be the one, who had to pay for his inner rage at the moment, and he didn't want that to happen, again. Severide was by his side during this whole fiasco long, and he appreciated it even if he wasn't capable of showing it. Matt knew he had to change his behavior and to thank Kelly for everything he put up with.


	25. Chapter 25

_Pallada: Thanks so much for your kind words. You have absolutely no reason to apologize for. I cherish every review you post, and timing isn't important on that matter ;-) I'm glad you're still enjoying the story, that's all that matters_

 _klt1: Wellcome to the ride, I hope you're going to stick around._

* * *

Chapter XXV

Matt wanted badly to fall asleep, but he couldn't find any rest. The conversation with Halstead left him agitated and anxious. He knew he had overreacted, now realizing that he should have tried to stay calm and told the other that he understood why he had felt to ask him about his alcohol input. Now it was more likely that Will thought he had been right and Matt actually had a drinking problem, even though this wasn't the case at all, Matt thought to himself.

Casey was aware that he drank more these last few weeks than maybe someone would recommend, but that didn't make him a drunk. He used the alcohol simply to calm himself down and to be able to sleep some nights without getting woken up by nightmares and anxiety attacks. Although, it turned out to be a dangerous illusion after all, on Matt's part.

Matt tossed and turned in his bed until he finally gave in and stood up. He decided to take a shower to calm his nerves. Now that Matt was better, and his knees didn't give in as much, Kelly allowed him finally to use the bathroom without him standing nearby, behaving like a hawk watching his nest. Matt wasn't mad at Kelly for being cautious with him. He understood why he was protective. He would have picked up the same routine if it would have been reversed and Severide would have been the one with the shaky legs. But lately rational thinking and acting on it wasn't one of Matt's best features.

He enjoyed the cold wet, and his inner agitation settled slowly, and the urge to throw something across the room lessened. He thought about the bags full of empty bottles in the living room and decided he had to get rid of them. He was aware Kelly wouldn't do it because his plan was for Matt to do it himself. And maybe his friend was right. After all, it was Matt's mess, and he had to clean them out.

Matt finished his shower and dried himself off and put on his boxers. He sighed as he made his way past the mirror. His reflection showed the ordeal of the last week. Matts' eyes were sunken, and his facial features had become hard and edgy. Casey noticed his greyish skin tone, and suddenly his looks made him feel upset, and he began to wonder. Who was that guy in front of him? Matt felt like a whole other person than he had been a few months ago. The rage and the desperation which consumed him day after day turned him into that pitiful thing staring back at him through the mirror, right now.

Casey was trapped in his web of confusion and anger towards himself, and he couldn't find a way out of the mess he had created in his life. Mad at everything and his self he subconsciously made a fist, and without thinking twice, he threw a punch at the mirror. The glass shattered in an instant and shards were falling on the bathroom floor. His knuckles turned red as the blood started to flow. His skin was broken and bruised, but Matt had the feeling he could relax for a second while looking mesmerized at his blood, which was sipping out of the cracks and along down his forearm.

It didn't last long until he heard an anxious Kelly outside the bathroom door, "Casey! What's going on? Talk to me!"

Matt wanted to answer right away. He didn't want Severide to worry, but he found himself unable to form a word let alone a whole sentence. He was still looking at his hand, like in a trance. Opening and closing his fingers he managed to feel the pain, and the wound began to bleed even more because of the movement of his hand.

Kelly by now hammered on the door, "Casey! Open up!" He turned around and huffed, "Damn it!" as he ran into the kitchen to fetch the screwdriver he had place wisely in one of the drawers in case he had to open the bathroom door at some point during his watch duty, while Casey was taking a shower.

With steady hands, he used the tool to open up the lock and let himself into the bathroom. Kelly wasn't sure what to expect behind the door, but his guts told him it wouldn't be anything pleasant.

His eyes widened at the sight of a half-naked Casey standing in the middle of shattered mirror pieces. His hand was bleeding profoundly, and Matt was staring at it. Kelly yelled in shock, "Casey, oh God! What did you do?"

Matt finally looked away from his hand and at Severide. He attempted to step away, but Kelly yelled again, "STOP!" Casey flinched but stopped the movement. Kelly repeated, "Stop." His voice toned calmer now as he slowly made his way deeper into the bathroom. He had to push some of the broken glass away with his foot as he told Casey, "Don't move! There's glass everywhere. You're not wearing any slippers, so please don't move."

Severide took one of the thick bath towels from the rack nearby and laid it on the ground over the shards. Then he took a second towel and cautious made his way over to Casey who hadn't said a single word since Kelly entered the room.

"Here, put this around your hand!" Kelly tried to get his attention. Matt just looked stunned back and forth between the towel and his bleeding hand, like he didn't have a clue what Kelly was expecting him to do.

Severide acted instead of Matt and tried to stop the bleeding by putting some pressure on the wound, but he knew he had to be careful as it was likely that there were some glass shards stuck in the flesh.

"God, Casey! What the hell were you thinking?" His voice sounded agitated and worried. He looked Matt in the eyes while still applying pressure to his hand. "Does it hurt? Can you move all your fingers?" He wanted to know, but Matt didn't answer and turned his head to look the other way. "Come on Casey. Talk to me! Now isn't the time to play shy." Kelly tried to stay as calm as possible, although his inner desire was to shake Casey by his shoulders and to scream at him for doing something stupid like throwing a punch at a glass mirror.

Severide noticed Casey sway slightly and he tried to look at his face again, "Hey! Look at me!" The other man slowly moved his head and met his eyes. "You're not gonna pass out, are you?" Kelly asked nervously as he recognized Casey's pale face and his glassy eyes. "Come on. We have to step outside, away from the shards." Matt withdrew his hand from Kelly's and applied the pressure with his other hand himself, turned and made his way over the towel on the ground out of the bathroom, and left Kelly standing there without saying a word. Severide had to recover from his shock at Matts behavior before he could follow him outside. He found Casey in the kitchen, who was holding his hand under flowing water over the sink, carefully rinsing the wound out.

Kelly stayed away at the kitchen-entrance and asked, "Are there any shards?"

He was surprised when Casey answered, "Don't know. Could be."

"Okay. I'll get you some clothes, and then I'll drive you to the hospital." His voice sounded stressed with a hint of annoyance.

"That's not necessary. It's superficial."

"I think it's necessary."

"Yeah well, and I think it isn't."

"I don't care what you think! We're going to the hospital. End of story." Severide wasn't going to argue about this and Matt sighed as he heard Kelly leaving the kitchen. He tried to clean the wound as good as possible. He could feel little bits and pieces stuck between his broken skin. "Why the hell did I have to do that?" he sighed to himself. The feeling of relaxation he felt earlier when he punched the mirror was now gone and left him wondering what was wrong with him these days?

"I'd like to know as well," Kelly entered the kitchen again with some clothes for Matt. He had heard Casey asking himself the question why he had done what he did. The blonde firefighter turned around and took the t-shirt and jeans. He started to slowly dress, cautious not to aggravate the wound too much. It was still bleeding slightly, and Kelly held a new towel in front of Casey, who took it and put it tight around his hand.

"Still waiting for an answer," Kelly challenged his silent friend.

"It was an accident," Matt tried, but Kelly wasn't going to drop it.

"Oh really? An accident? Your fist fell into the mirror?" He asked with a hint of sarcasm.

Matt sighed and looked at Kelly, "What do you want me to say? That I punched the damn mirror?"

"If that's what happened. Yeah! I want you to say it and then to explain why!"

"I don't know why. It happened, okay! Can we please drop it and go to the hospital? It's starting to hurt," Casey said to put an end to the discussion of his actions, which he still had to comprehend himself.

"This isn't over! You can't keep going on like this. You have to talk to me, or somebody about your issues. Obviously, I can't help you, Matt. But something has to change."

"Listen, Kelly. I'm fine. I wasn't thinking clearly. I shouldn't have done it." He tried to play it down. "Can we go now?"

"Yes. Let's go! Med's probably swamped. It's going to be a while till we're back," Kelly sighed then he asked, "Or should I try calling Halstead. Maybe he's able to run by again?"

Matt looked at Kelly and said, "No. I've already taken to much of his free time. I don't want him to have to come back because of this little scratch. He deserves some time off, don't you think?" The truth was Matt didn't want Will to take care of him because he would put two and two together and it only would add fuel into his assumption of Matt being a nut-case. He also knew that he had to get treatment for his hand. The glass did cut severely and deep, and he would need some stitches. This wasn't just a scratch like he assessed it before.

To be honest, Casey was glad to have to go to the hospital because a conversation there would be less likely than if they would stay at home. He had to wrap his head around it before he would be able to answer Kelly's questions.

* * *

The ride to Chicago Med was spent in silence, and Matt felt still agitated. Casey thought about what had caused his outburst in the bathroom. He knew he had been upset about Wills implication that he had a drinking problem, but was it really enough to act like a lunatic and to smash his bathroom mirror? Matt had been angry about the fact that everyone was judging him and his actions lately, but sadly, they all did have a point to question him and his doings, he had to admit to himself. He couldn't do anything right anymore. Since when did he become such a loser and why? Was it because of Gabby or because of something else? He couldn't remember the last time he had been honestly happy. Maybe the time Gabby told him she was expecting, or maybe when they had started their little family with Louie. Matt definitely had been happy when he finally could marry his great Love. He would always cherish this day and the luck he had felt in this courthouse. Unfortunately, the day ended on a downside by learning out about Louie's father.

Matt looked out of the window and sighed. Kelly hadn't said anything since they got into the car and Casey could tell that he was pissed at him. He wanted to apologize to his friend who now had to drive him to the hospital that evening instead of being home watching some tv.

"I'm sorry," Matt mumbled. "I'm sorry you have to drive me to the hospital … again. And I'm sorry for being such an idiot lately."

Severide turned his head and looked surprised. He wanted to say something, but Matt stopped him before he was able to, "I know you're going to say that you don't mind it and that I'm having a hard time, and that we're all idiots from time to time. … I just wanted you to know that I don't take it for granted that you've stayed with me while I was sick."

Matt bowed his head and looked at his wrapped-up hand lying in his lap. It wasn't easy for him to actually say these words out loud, which he often had repeated in his mind this last couple of days.

Kelly was stunned at Matt's apology. He hadn't expected it, especially now after what happened just a few minutes ago. He tried to lighten up the mood and to reassure Matt that he wasn't holding any grudge against him. So, he joked and said, "Actually, I wanted to say: you should feel sorry for ruining my evening and you're not just an idiot, you're a stupid idiot." Matt nodded at him simply to let him know that he knew what Kelly was trying to do. Severide made a mental note to try to talk to Casey later that night. He had a feeling maybe today was the time when Matt finally was ready to open up and to actually tell him what was going on lately.

After a while, Casey tried to move his fingers and pain shot through it and up his wrist and along his forearm.

Kelly recognized his discomfort and pointed with his head at Matt's hand, "Does it hurt?"

"Like a bitch."

"We're almost there," Kelly said while doubling up the speed.

* * *

Casey was surprised and a bit disappointed as he recognized Will when he entered the small room the nurse had put Casey in. He was lucky and hadn't had to wait too long to get a doctor assigned, because the cut was deep, and the nurse had been worried the glass could have intersected some nerves or tendons.

Dr. Halstead sounded shocked as he saw his private-patient he was treating since last week, "Matt? What the hell happened?" He looked at the covered hand and then at Casey's face.

Matt faked a smile and tried to answer casually, "Mirror fell on my hand."

"And I'm supposed to believe that," the doctor asked with a raised eyebrow.

Matt just shrugged, "Does it really matter how I hurt it? Just stitch it up, and I'm outta here."

"Okay. Let's see with what we're dealing now."

Halstead lifted the bandage the nurse had applied temporarily. Matt had to stifle a hiss. "I guess it hurts like hell," the doctor stated as he recognized the tension radiating from his patient.

"Only if I move it," Matt hissed again but otherwise stayed calm.

"I hope it was worth it!" Halstead said incidentally. Matt didn't retort. "You're right this needs to be stitched," Will told him as he probed the bruised area and looked for any major nerve damage. "Can you move your fingers and make a fist for me please!" Matt did as he was told and hissed as a new wave of pain and tension shot thru his hand. Halstead noticed the stiffness, "Do you feel any kind of tingling or numbness to one of your fingers?" Casey shook his head. "Okay, that's good. I don't think you've damaged any nerves or tendons. But your hand is definitely bruised and sprained. The mirror must have hit you from far, far above to cause this kind of injury," Halstead decided to work with Matt's obvious lie. "I'd like to take an x-ray. I don't think it's broken, but now we have a reason to get you into radiology." Will smirked, "Looks like you did us a favor by hurting your hand."

"Glad to be some kind of help," Matt deadpanned.

"A nurse is going to clean out the wound and will get you up to radiology. I'll try to place the stitches afterward, or maybe some other doctor's getting by. We're actually kind of busy tonight. You need something for the pain?"

"Nah, I'm good, thanks."

Halstead accepted Matt's decision to refuse any pain meds, but he knew he had to apply some local anesthesia later while placing the stitches.

* * *

Severide stood at the nurse's station while waiting for Matt to be ready to go home. He talked with April earlier. She was as shocked and worried as Kelly when she heard what had happened. "He really needs to talk to someone. It's not healthy what he's doing to himself. There has to be a lot of anger and frustration in him."

"I'll try to talk to him later at home. Here isn't the right place. He just would feel ambushed and probably close up even more."

April nodded and said with honesty in her voice, "You're probably right. I hope he can get past his inner demons."

"I don't know, but in the car, on the ride here he thanked me for taking care of him these past couples of days, so I take it he's coming around in some way. Maybe now is the time he's ready to talk to me."

"Sounds like it. Maybe we were right, and he just needed some time. Deep down he knows that he has to confide in someone. And it's only obvious that you're his choice to go to. He trusts you." Then she leaned in further and whispered. „I could see it the night we were at his side after the alcohol incident."

"I'm trying my best. He would do the same for me. Actually, he has done it for me. And I've behaved something like an ass as well."

April hugged Kelly and said, "You've got this. I have to go back to work. You're welcome to hang out at the nurses' station, or you could use the break room if you want."

"Thanks, I'm good. I guess I'll wait here."

Kelly was lost in thoughts and was contemplating how he could help Casey feel comfortable talking to him when he heard a familiar voice call his name.

"Kelly? What the hell?" He turned around and saw Stella. "What you're doing here? I thought you and Casey are fishing?" She approached him, confusion and worry were written all over her face. "Did something happen? Are you hurt?" She looked at him trying to detect any slight injuries on him. As she didn't find anything wrong with him she finally sighed and asked worried, "Where's Casey?"

"Everything's fine. Don't worry," Severide took Stella in his arms and kissed her on the cheek. She let him do it even she was anxious to hear about what happened. She hugged him back and placed a slight kiss on his mouth. He then withdrew and looked at her. Now it was his turn to ask, "What are you doing here? And what's with the shirt?" Kelly noticed Stella wearing a Paramedic Shirt instead of her firefighter uniform.

"Don't ask." Kidd sighed. Kelly looked questioningly and frowned at her in the adorable way that she loved about him. She gave him the explanation, "I'm doing the Chief a favor. Brett can't accept any new partner Boden comes up with. And he's tired of having floaters around, so he asked me if I would step in."

"And of course, you did," he smirked.

"What choice do I have? And besides, it's not forever," she shrugged. "So, tell me why are you here? Something must have happened. It's Casey, isn't it?"

Kelly smiled at her then admitted, "He got his hand cut. It was a stupid accident really. It's not dramatic or anything, but I thought it's better to be safe than sorry. So, I brought him here."

She nodded, "Thank god it's nothing serious. Well, where is he?"

"I guess he's still up in radiology. Dr. Halstead wanted to be sure he didn't fracture something."

"Poor Casey! He's really an unlucky fellow lately. How did it happen anyway?"

"Like I said, stupid accident. He cut it with glass shards from an old window. We wanted to change one in my dad's cabin. I guess we weren't paying as much attention as we should have been," lied Kelly. He felt bad about it, but he didn't have any other option other than to make up a story. It was likely that Casey would return to work with a bandaged hand.

Stella, of course, believed him. After all, it was a plausible story. "I'm glad you're okay. And how are things going otherwise? How's Casey doing, besides mutilating his hand?"

Severide had to wince, at her way of putting it, but didn't show it, "Better. I hope he can go back to work soon."

Kidd nodded and looked at Kelly while asking, "Speaking of, are you coming back next shift? Your team misses you."

Severide returned her look and smirked at her, "Just my team?"

"No. Not just your team," Stella smirked and placed another light kiss on his mouth. He took in her scent, and he recognized just right now how much he had missed her these past few days. "I've missed you too," he whispered in her ear. They stood there smiling at each other, both beyond believe happy to see one another again finally. The young couple was aware of how badly they needed time together. Their little moment of unspoken intimacy was cut short when Brett came down the hall joining them, "Hey, Lieutenant. What are you doing here?"

"Casey had an accident," Stella told her partner before Severide got the chance to speak up. Sylvie covered her mouth with one hand in shock. Stella sensed her fear and quickly added, "But he's okay. He's in radiology at the moment. Just a precaution."

"Thank god!" Brett let out a breath of relief. "What happened?"

Kidd laughed lightly, "These two decorated firefighters thought they could change windows in an old house all by themselves."

"Hey," Kelly pouted and nudged her in her ribs. Stella let out a little squeak and laughed once more.

Brett smiled also, but eventually, she frowned and stated, "Isn't Casey in constructions?"

Kelly, even if he didn't have any reason to, felt suddenly caught off guard, but rational thinking kicked in, and he supported his lie with, "Hey, accidents happen. You two should know that better than anyone. Half of your clients almost kill themselves by doing something they're used to. Practice creates masters, apparently doesn't count for Matthew Casey."

"Oh no. That's mean, Lieutenant" Sylvie said as her radio announced a new call for them. "Give Casey our love. I'm afraid we have to go. See you!"

Kelly held Stella back and finally gave her a real kiss as he now recognized how desperately he wanted to be with her. She leaned into him and he sensed her longing too. But Stella let him go eventually when Brett urgently tugged at her shirt. "Sorry partner, we have work to do."

Kelly looked after Stella as she vanished out of his sight and out of the ED into the ambulance bay.

He sighed while he absently touched his lips, where he still could feel hers.


	26. Chapter 26

_Pallada: as always thank you for your kind words and I'm glad I'm still able to keep you entertained. And I'm especially glad you liked the mirror-part. I was concerned it would be too much drama, but I wanted to show how much Matt is struggling with his own emotions. He is in a very difficult spot right now. He has many issues that are needed to be addressed. Kelly's still trying to get him to see it, but he's getting frustrated because Matt's still deflecting whenever he has a chance too._

 _FrankieFandom: Welcome and thank you for your review. I am so happy and excited when new people discover my little fic and I'm even happier when they like it! I totally agree with you on Casey's past. His history is what's defining him and his actions. And it adds a lot of drama to his character._

 _For all those who were waiting, I'm sorry it took me so long, but here is the next chapter._

* * *

Chapter XXVI

Casey was sitting on the gurney back in his cubical, waiting anxiously for Will to arrive. He was certain that he didn't manage to fracture his wrist, but on the other hand, he could be wrong, which meant he would have to expand his sick leave. And this time it would be for weeks, not only days. He didn't want that to happen, although he wasn't so sure about returning to work. He had thought about it the last couple of days. Matt loved his job, but the fact that he wasn't acting command on truck, for now, took away the joy of coming finally back. To be honest, he didn't know how he should behave towards his team. He knew they all had their opinion on him and his way of handling certain situations lately and he felt embarrassed about the fact that the Chief thought he couldn't do his job right. So, given that circumstance, he wasn't exactly comfortable of returning to the firehouse.

Casey was lost deep in his thoughts when the sliding door opened, and a man Casey didn't know entered. He was wearing a greyish coat which led Casey to think that he may be one of the medical assistants in this hospital. The man was a bit obese, and under his coat, he wore an ugly vest and a wrinkled shirt with an even uglier tie.

"Hello, Mr. Casey. I'm Dr. Charles," he introduced himself.

"Nice to meet you. You're the one stitching me up?" Matt was glad that someone finally showed up, which meant he could go home soon.

"That's quite an impressive cut there," the doctor said as he looked briefly at Casey's hand. Then he looked up and asked, "How're you feeling today, Mr. Casey?"

Matt smiled at him and told him, "Actually good. I just want to go home, so I'd be glad if we could speed this up."

"I can totally understand that. Who wants to spend an evening in the ED, right?" He snorted, to emphasize his statement. Then he took the little stool, which stood in the corner of the small room and placed it in front of Casey and sat down, "You're with the CFD, right?"

Casey looked surprised but answered nonetheless, "Yes. I'm a firefighter at station 51."

Dr. Charles looked up and nodded, "Ah, Chief Boden's house, isn't it?"

Matt nodded and said, "Yes, Boden's my Chief."

Charles smiled at Matthew and told him, "I know Wallace for quite some time now. He's a great guy! And I guess he's a great leader too, isn't he? Men like him are rare, and we should treasure them more."

Matt frowned but honestly returned the answer, "He's the best."

Dr. Charles nodded again and then pointed at Matt's hand, "So I guess this happened on the job?"

Casey felt a bit irritated by that guy, but he tried to stay polite and answered this question as well. "Not exactly. It was an accident at home."

"I see," the other replied and added, "most accidents happen at home, right Mr. Casey? Or can I call you Matthew?"

"Yes, they say that's the case. And it's Matt," responded Casey.

"Okay, Matt it is." Dr. Charles smiled at the other man and then asked him, "You want to tell me what happened to your hand? Looks rather painful."

Casey looked at his hand and opened and closed his fingers as if he tried to test the man's theory about the pain. Charles was right his hand was hurting, which actually resulted in Casey getting annoyed and he impatiently asked, "Is doctor Halstead coming?"

"Unfortunately, not. He's busy at the moment, but I'm sure he'll stop by later," the doctor told Casey and then tried once more, "So, what exactly happened? If you don't mind me asking."

Matt was getting tired of this doc who kept asking him about his hand. All he wanted him to do was take care of his injury so that he could go home and rest. But it seemed that this doctor wasn't genuinely interested in stitching up his hand, so Matt straightened up and frowned while asking, "Uhm sorry, but … are you the one stitching up my hand?"

Dr. Charles again put on a bright smile which was meant to underpin his apology, "I'm afraid I'm not. You see, I'm not that kind of a doctor."

Casey was puzzled, "Oh ... o - okay," he tried to get to the bottom of this, "So well, what kind of doctor are you?"

The elder one smiled at a confused looking Matthew, and with a casual voice he introduced himself once more, "Dr. Daniel Charles, head of the psychology department in this hospital."

Casey, now, looked at the coat more closely, and at the sight of the embroidered emblem, it fell like scales from his eyes. "You're a shrink," he stated.

"Guilty as charged," Dr. Charles smirked.

Matt wasn't as pleased with the doctor's revelation, as the other had hoped, "Okay. Uhm, so, what are you doing here? I cut my hand, not my wrist," he said snottier then he had intended to.

Dr. Charles didn't comment on Casey's improper comparison. He just stated calmly, "doesn't mean that I can't talk to you."

Matt huffed and mumbled, "apparently not." He glared at the other man and asked, "Dr. Halstead called you?" His voice was presumptuous, and you could tell he had a hard time to stay polite and calm.

Dr. Charles didn't let himself be intimidated by Casey's rude and barking behavior, "No, he didn't."

Casey was irritated. He was sure Will had called the shrink to talk to him. Halstead was the one who accused him of having some sort of mental problem. And he was a coworker of this doctor, so it had to be him. Who else would do this?

He looked at Dr. Charles and addressed him once more, "Than, why are you here? Who put you up to this?" Matt contemplated a second before he finally asked, "Kelly Severide?" He hoped it wasn't Kelly who thought he needed to see a shrink. He didn't want his friend to think of him as a nutcase. But then again, Kelly urged him lately to talk to someone, so maybe he was the rat, so to speak.

Charles shook his head, "No. I don't know any Kelly Severide. Is he a friend of yours?" The psychiatrist tried to get a hold of the conversation, but Casey didn't answer him, because he was determined to get an answer to his question. "But someone must have told you about me. Otherwise, you wouldn't have come," Casey explained more to himself than to his speaking partner.

Dr. Charles didn't give up, and even if he didn't give Casey precisely the answer he wanted to hear, he didn't deny that someone had sent him, "and if that's the case? Would it be so bad that someone cares enough about you, that they suggested that I talk to you?"

Matt's features displayed shock and grudge, "that someone thinks I need a shrink? Yeah, I guess that's bad." Casey was silent for a few seconds as he tried to gather his thoughts, then he came to the only conclusion that fitted, "and I guess it's particularly bad when it's your boss, who thinks, you've gone mad."

Dr. Charles ignored this statement as well and didn't contribute to Casey's conclusion, even if he was impressed that he caught up on it rather fast.

He looked at a grim looking Casey, and gently he explained, "and if I tell you that everyone at some point during life is in need to talk to someone. I don't think of it as bad at all. I honestly think it's only human to experience rough patches in life. Doesn't mean it has to be some kind of mental illness. We all have troubles from time to time."

"Maybe, but I don't." Matt snapped at hearing the doctor's opinion.

"Okay then you're a very lucky guy," Daniel told the young firefighter. "But I can tell that you're highly agitated by our meeting right now. Which strictly speaking counts as some kind of trouble, at least for now. Am I right?"

Casey didn't look at the Psychiatrist as he mumbled, "I'd have a solution to that."

Dr. Charles smiled at that. He hadn't expected anything different and continued with his explanation, "I do understand your defense, though. But it also tells me something about you. You see, people tend to get emotional when they're bothered by something. Some of them get snippy and rude. Other's might get aggressive, while some people simply deflect. People use these kinds of emotion as some sort of hideaway. The reason for them to act in that way is mostly because they're dealing with something they can't quite understand. Maybe something happened to them, or it's something they did, or they're still doing. And it makes them scared, or they feel embarrassed about it."

Matt began to feel more uncomfortable minute by minute and of course, Dr. Charles had picked up on it. He could tell it by Matt's behavior, and he even felt bad for the young man as he pushed further, "and I guess, the way you've hurt your hand, plays some kind of role in your overreaction concerning my visit." The psychiatrist explained to a by now nervously fidgeting Casey. "Which could count for problem number two."

Matt turned his gaze at the doctor as he stated, "It was an accident. Like I said before."

Both men looked silent at each other. Dr. Charles just waited for Casey to do the next step.

"I want to see Dr. Halstead now," Matt demanded, "Could you please let him know that I'm waiting?"

Dr. Charles smiled politely at Matt, "I'm sure he knows that, and he'll be seeing you when he finds the time to do so. Meanwhile, I 'd like to keep you company if that's alright with you."

Now it was Matt's chance to put an end to this unfortunate meeting, "I don't want you to have the impression of me being rude, …. Dr. Charles, is it?" His voice toned smug, and he didn't even try to hide it.

"Yes, but you could call me Daniel if you'd like to. And don't worry, I know the difference between rudeness and discomfort. Like I've told you, interestingly enough it's not just you, who's uncomfortable talking to a shrink, as you put it yourself."

Matt huffed at the long interruption, "as I was saying, Dr. Charles. I don't want to be rude, but I'd rather want to be left alone. And to be clear, I don't feel uncomfortable talking to you. I just don't think that it's necessary."

"Matt, I can totally understand your resentment towards me. That's something I'm also used to. People always see me as some concept of the enemy in the beginning. I just want to talk. I have time, and you're stuck in here until some doctor here can stitch up your hand. So, it's actually a win-win situation for both of us."

Matt sat in silence before he finally asked, "and if I don't see it that way? You're going to sit here, waiting until I'm allowed to go home?"

Dr. Charles shrugged and just said, "I could sit here in silence with you if that's what you're comfortable with. But I thought you could tell me more about that accident."

Matt just shook his head, and after a while, he asked with a very stern voice, "Why? You don't even believe it was an accident, do you?"

"I'm just curious, that's all," admitted the doctor. "If you don't want me to know, I can't force you to tell me."

"No, I suppose you cannot," Matt told him with his smug voice again, even if he toned it down by now a bit. Then he asked because he was curious himself, "why is it even important how I've got hurt?"

David smiled at Casey's curiosity and tried to satisfy it, "because, sometimes accidents are dramatically life-changer, in some kind of way."

Casey frowned at that and then stated, "Yeah, well that's not what happened here. I was clumsy that's all."

Now it was the doctor's time to frown, "you don't strike me as the clumsy one."

Matt just shrugged, "well, today I was."

Dr. Charles sensed resentment in Matt's voice, but this time he wasn't the addressee. He found it interesting but didn't mention it, instead, he said, "sometimes in life, we're simply distracted by something, doesn't necessarily mean that we're clumsy."

Casey nodded, and he finally relaxed a bit, since the doctor seemed to roll with his version, of an accident.

"So, Matt. Do you like, being a firefighter? It's a tough job you're doing. I bet you see a lot of drama and experience quite a bit of intense moments yourself, by doing what you do."

Casey looked down at the floor and admitted, "Never wanted to do anything else. It can be tough, but it's not particularly harder than any other first responder job. And I guess drama is rather your specialty."

Dr. Charles laughed at that and nodded, "You're probably right." The doctor observed Casey as he absently played with his bruised hand by clenching and unclenching it into a fist. The cuts and scratches hurt, and the deeper cut on the back of his hand began to bleed slightly again.

Finally, the doctor said, "You should probably hold that hand still until someone patched it up. You're not doing yourself a favor by moving it." But Casey didn't react, and Dr. Charles stood up and took one of the sterile compresses, lying on the tray next to the gurney. "Here take this to cover the bleeding." Matt flinched as he was surprised by the other man's sudden movement. He looked at the little white cloth, held in front of him and asked stunned, "What?"

"I said you probably should hold that still. Otherwise, it won't stop bleeding," Dr. Charles repeated what he had said before. Casey took the compress and pressed it against the wound, "Thanks. I guess I didn't think of that."

Dr. Charles sat down again and sighed, "No problem. Like I said, sometimes we're not as focused as we should be. It's perfectly normal, and it happens to the best."

Matt managed a small smile, "Yeah. I guess. But in our jobs being distracted means making mistakes."

"How true," Dr. Charles agreed with Matt. "Does that ever happen to you? Getting distracted while fighting a fire?"

"I guess I wouldn't be sitting here if it would."

"Good point," Dr. Charles had to agree. "And today? When you were injured at home?"

Casey smirked at the older man and finally recognized, "You're not gonna drop that, are you?"

"I guess that's part of my job. I can't help it, but I'm an incredibly nosy person if you haven't recognized it by now."

"I've got the impression, yes."

Matt couldn't think of any story which he could come off with, but he also knew, that telling the truth, wouldn't be an option either. So, he opted for buying some time by asking question's himself, "Why did you become a shrink?"

"Ah good question, Matt. Maybe the reason was that curiosity, I've told you about. People are interesting, and they're unique and actually pretty amazing from time to time. I wanted to learn more about their behavior and what's defining them."

"And, did you learn something about them?"

"Oh! I've learned plenty. Still, do. And I've learned plenty about myself too. It is quite fascinating to learn about oneself." Dr. Charles smiled at Casey then he told him in a sincere voice, "But I have to tell you a secret, the day I started my own therapy, I wasn't thrilled at all. Can you believe that?" and he chuckled as he remembered, "A shrink, who actually isn't thrilled about therapy. It's an oxymoron. Don't you think?"

"Don't know." Casey shrugged and admitted, "I'm a firefighter, doesn't mean I'm overly excited to run into burning buildings."

"Touché," David said, "And yet we love what we're doing. Kind of fascinating."

"I guess you become used to these kinds of things. As a little kid, I was terrified of candles. But maybe that's because my mother described them to me like they were the devil himself. As I grew older, I recognized that they're actually pretty cool stuff."

"Right at you! Mothers' and their endless fear something could harm us. My mother is precisely that kind of mum. Daniel, don't do this; Daniel, don't do that! Every day long," he let out a loud laugh as he continued, "and that was last weekend."

Casey had to smirk at that, even if he doubted that this doctor's mother was still alive, but he had to give him credit for trying to be funny and likable.

"You're close with your mother?" Charles asked, hoping to get some kind of information out of this conversation.

"Not really. We haven't talked in a while with each other. It's complicated and not really a great story to tell, but I made my peace with it a long time ago."

"That's good for you! Families can be a delicate topic. You should ask my daughter! … On the other hand, don't ask her! That's something I've never had been curious about, but that's maybe because I don't want her to tell me how badly I've messed her up. Do you have kids of your own, Matt?"

"No. I'm not a father. And it's probably the best, the way it is." Matt's voice sounded sad, and Daniel knew that there was more behind that story. From the first few minutes, since he entered Casey's life, he realized, that Matt was a man of many layers and stories. But the doctor also knew that he wouldn't get the chance to hear them today.

"Don't know if you're right about it being the best. But you're still young. Plenty of time for starting a family. You're married?"

Matt inhaled a deep breath before he showed his wedding band, still in its place where it should be. The thought of taking the ring off had never crossed his mind.

"Ah! So, you are. That's great! Is the lucky lady with you tonight? She must be worried. Should I go get her?"

"No need. She's not in town. She's currently working in Puerto Rico. She's also with the CFD, helping get everything smooth after the Hurricane. She's a paramedic."

"I'm sorry to hear that. I mean it's great that your wife 's doing something great like that, but I guess a long-distance marriage isn't exactly easy to manage."

"No, it's not." Matt played absently with his wedding ring on his finger, "Listen! I really appreciate you taking time for me and all, but could you check on Dr. Halstead and ask how much longer I have to wait? My hand starts to hurt more, and I think it's still bleeding. I guess someone should look at it."

Dr. Charles noticed Matt's abrupt and rushed attempt to end this little conversation right after mentioning marriage and his wife. He knew he had touched a sore point, but he was long enough in this business to know when to stop pushing too far too soon. So instead of asking further he just said, "Absolutely, Matt. I appreciate you talked to me. I know that it wasn't something you wanted to do. I could tell, the minute you recognized who I was." Dr. Charles stood up and made his way to the door as he turned around and walked back to Matthew. He held a card towards him and told him in a sincere voice, "I'd like you to call me! We could continue our little talk, and maybe someday you actually can satisfy my curiosity by telling me the real story behind that injured hand."

Matt was taken off guard as he reached for the little business card. "I can't make any promises," he honestly told him.

"That's okay and totally up to you, Matt." Dr. Charles reassured him, "I just want you to know, that I'm willing to take time if you're ever in need of a good talk or advice in life."

"Thanks, Dr. Charles, but I think I'm good."

"You never know what's going to happen in life, so be sure to give me a call when you need to."

"I consider it. Thanks."

"You're welcome, Matt and take care!"

With that, the doctor left Matthew alone in his cubical and Matt let out a deep breath. He was glad that the shrink left and that he managed to hold his own during the conversation. He shook his head in disbelieve about what had happened. He really was in trouble, if the Chief arranged this little talk with his shrink-buddy of his. Now he more than before was hesitant about going back to work.


	27. Chapter 27

_Again, thanks to everyone who's sticking with my story. And thanks for the reviews! It's so nice to read that someone actually likes what I'm writing. I hope I get to do faster updates the next couple of weeks, but RL is rough these days;-(_

 _To Dr. Charles: I got the idea to bring him in because for one he has the degree and second I remember he helped Brett once. She got invested in a_ _baby case and Charles talked to her and helped her to get a hold of the father. At the end of the episode, Charles and Boden shared a look that hinted that they've worked together, so I guess it stuck with me that they talk with each other (I presume, at Molly's) while we aren't looking ;-) So, his motives are real and good. I don't know if he'll show up again in my story, but I needed him to get Casey even more out of his comfort zone, ... just because I'm mean like that._

 _This shorter chapter is Halstead & Casey, but don't worry the next few chapters are all Casey & Severide at their best, ..._

 _So, I hope you'll have fun!_

* * *

Chapter XXVII

Will had seen Dr. Charles step into Matt's room while he was talking to a patient's mother in the hallway. He found it odd but at the same time quite fitting, and he decided to wait a bit longer to continue treatment on Matt's hand. It wasn't a life-threatening injury, and he had already seen the x-rays. Nothing was broken, and so he just had to place some stitches and put a proper bandage around it. But now he would wait and let Dr. Charles have his time with Matt. Maybe Daniel could offer some help, he or Kelly wasn't capable of. He mused if Severide had asked April to arrange the meeting. Will himself had been tempted to call his colleague as he saw the state Matthew had been in as he showed up with his mangled hand. But he didn't act on it, because he knew Casey wouldn't approve and he didn't want to put unnecessary stress on their anyway complicated doctor-patient relationship.

So, he was quite curious as Daniel approached him after an hour or so, "Dr. Charles. How are things going?"

"Dr. Halstead, pretty smooth."

"I saw you leaving Matthew Casey's room. You've talked?" Will simply cut to the chase right away.

"Ah, Matt! The firefighter. Yes, we've talked, and he mentioned you're his doctor."

"Well, who did put you in his corner? I know I didn't. Was it Severide?"

Dr. Charles smirked at Will, "Interesting, he asked me the same question, and he mentioned this Severide-guy after he accused you first."

Will smiled back at Daniel, "Smart guy. So, was it Severide?"

"No. I recognized Casey's name on today's patient list, and I remembered a friend telling me some things about him. So, I went and checked in on him. Nice dude, but clearly has a dark vibe around him."

Halstead nodded knowingly and finally admitted, "I think it's good if he would talk to you. He's having, … how do I put it?" Will mused and opted for, "Matt had a couple of rough days."

"I could tell! He tries to cover it up bravely, but he can't fool us, can he?"

"That's what I was thinking. So, can you help him?" Halstead asked his colleague.

"That's totally up to him. If he accepts my help, I guess I can, but if he tries to hide, and I guess that's what he'll choose for the time being," Daniel sighed, "then I obviously can't. It has to be him, who's willing to work on his issues. I can't force my patients to come to me. Just like you can't either."

"Sometimes our jobs are extremely frustrating."

"Can't deny that, but if it works, it's the best feeling in the world."

"You're absolutely right Dr. Charles," Will agreed and reached for his tablet, "I'm going to see Matt now. You wanna join me?"

"I think he had enough me, for one day," he grinned.

Dr. Halstead smiled at his colleague and padded him on his shoulder, "Thanks for trying. Casey's a great guy. He just has to start trusting people who are willing to help him."

Dr. Charles frowned at his colleague, "You make it sound like it's easy, Dr. Halstead. For some people, it's nearly impossible to trust anyone. It's not their fault. They have this kind of wall put up around them, presumably caused by some experience in their youth, and it's not easy for them to crack that wall open again."

"Yeah, sounds like Casey."

Dr. Charles nodded and told Will, "Keep me posted. I guess I won't hear from him otherwise."

"Will do! Thanks, Dr. Charles."

"You're welcome."

* * *

Will made his way to see Matt. He was still sitting on his gurney, looking more than exhaust. "Hey, Matt! Sorry, it took me so long."

"It's fine," Matt told him politely, although he was kind of pissed having to wait that long, but he wasn't willing to cause a scene because he didn't want to be that guy.

"So, how's the hand?" Will sat in front of his patient on the stool Dr. Charles had abandoned earlier.

"Actually it's fine. But I think it's still bleeding."

Halstead lifted the sterile compress off of Matt's hand and looked at the cuts.

"You have to keep it still. Otherwise, you'll tear the skin open again and again. It's a bad spot for having a cut. But once I've placed some stitches it's going to be fine. Don't worry."

"Good! Glad to hear that," Matt sighed and then he asked, "Did you see the x-ray? Did I break anything?"

"No. Everything's looking good," Halstead informed his patient while he began to place some local anesthesia before placing some stitches.

Matt hissed slightly at the sting the syringe caused, "And the lung x-ray? The nurse was a bit surprised why she had to do it. But I guess after she saw the healing bruises on my ribs she believed it was because of that."

"I wrote on the council sheet, to check for possible rib fractures. So, we're save that way." The doctor began to explain while he managed to take some blood from Casey in order to get his CRP levels, "And I'm happy to be able to tell you that your pneumonia is getting better. There's still a slight indication visibly, but overall it looks good. I'll keep you on the antibiotics a bit longer, just to be safe. But for now, it looks like you're good to go back to work. Just be careful, and please put on your mask every time you're in a smoky environment."

Matt was glad that his lungs were healing fine and he was happy that he could be able to go back to work. He simply didn't feel comfortable going back while still looking like a sick kitten, so he asked, "What about the hand? Is it safe to go back to work with it?"

"If you take care of the bandage and use your gloves I can't think of anything why you can't." Halstead was surprised by Casey's sudden lack of enthusiasm on going back to work. A few days back that was all that mattered to the firefighter. Something wasn't adding up, "You wanna stay home a couple of more days? I have no problem with it. I could put you on sick leave because of your hand if that's what you want."

Matt thought about it, but he wanted to go back. He was getting bored at home, and if he wanted to get his command of truck 81 back, he at least had to show up.

"No. No. That's great! I'm glad to return to work. I really am. It's just. I think people will recognize that, ... you know what. Never mind. It will work just fine."

Halstead understood what Casey was trying to tell him, "You know what? These antibiotics, you had to take because of your shoulder, they're known to cause weight-loss. They are powerful stuff, and they can mess with the human body." He smiled at Matt, who nodded knowingly. "So, if anyone asks, you could always blame the pills."

Matt nodded thankfully at his doctor. He appreciated that Halstead was being observant and that he didn't ask a bunch of questions. They sat in silence while Will attended to his wound. It only needed a few minutes before he was able to put a nice tight bandage around it.

"Okay, that's it! As I said before, take care of the bandage and use your gloves. If you experience any discomfort or if it's starting to feel hot or bleeding again, don't hesitate to come back and have someone look at it."

Matt nodded at his doctor and finally managed to say what he wanted to say for a long time, "Thanks, you've helped me a lot these past couples of days. I guess I should buy you some beer at Molly's in the near future."

Will liked that idea, "That would be great. I love that place. It feels like home."

"Yeah! My guys did a great job reopening it. I used to hang out there a lot, with Gabby working there and, … never mind. The offer stands."

"Appreciate it Matt, but you don't have to thank me. It's kind of my job to help the sick ones, you know, with having a medical license and all that."

"I know. But I also know, ... treating me off the record," Matt tried to find the right words for it, "… that's usually not part of your job description, I think."

"Yeah, you're right. Usually, I don't make any house-calls. … I'm just glad you're doing better," Will told him and added, "at least physically speaking."

Matt bowed his head. He wasn't sure if Will knew about the shrink's visit earlier, so he didn't mention it, but he had the feeling he should say something. "I know you think I'm some kind of a wreck. But I can reassure you I'm not."

Will wanted to say something, but Matt cut him off, "I drank the damn vodka, that's right. But I did it because I was upset about something I found out that day. And it was something really disturbing, ..." Matt paused for a moment, and Will let him take his time. "I had to find a way to deal with it. I know it wasn't the smartest thing to do. But I can only repeat what I've already told you. I can't change what happened. But I'll make sure that it won't happen again. I'm not some drunk that doesn't give a damn about his life or job."

Will looked at his patient and honestly told him, "I'm glad you're self-critical and that you know that it was wrong, and you're cautioned about it. But I think it should tell you something about yourself. I guess I can understand why it happened to you. Alcohol is, in fact, a great relaxant, but in the end, it's always a fallacy. And sometimes it ends really badly."

Matt's look turned stern and he wanted to defend himself once more, but now it was Wills time to cut him off. So, the doc carried on, "I've seen a lot of great colleagues turn to the bottle. So, I know how easy those things can spiral out of control if the timing is right and the amount of disturbing news someone will get is just big enough, to cause a new instance with another bottle. I just want you to be aware of that. You did cross the line one time, it's possible it will happen again."

Matt felt overpowered and patronized, but he kept his calm composure. He wanted Will to see that he had his emotions under control.

"I appreciate your concern. I do. But I tell you, you're wrong about me. I'm not one of your doctor-friends who can't hold their liquor. I am capable of enjoying a drink now and then, without having to empty the whole bottle."

Will nodded at Matt, "I'm happy to hear that. I totally apologize if I offended you in any way. That wasn't what I had in mind at all. I just wanted to warn you. I like you, Matt. You are a great guy, and I hate to see you in pain. I don't want you to waste your life by not taking the right course."

By that Matt stood up and pushed the tray with the medical supplies away in an angry fit, while huffing, "When will people finally understand that I don't have a problem? I'm not on any wrong course. I'm just frustrated with everyone looking at me like I'm some freak that will snap any minute."

Will, who was kind of taken back by Casey's short fuse simply said, "Maybe it's conversations with you, like this one, that gives us the impression you're in denial."

Matt glared at Will before pacing the small room, "Funny. I think we're totally running in a circle here. You think I'm some lunatic, and I think you're wrong. You think I'll turn to the bottle at the next best opportunity and I'm telling you, I won't."

Will sighed and stood up and put the tray back against the wall, "You know what, Matt? Let's just end this here at that point. As I was saying I'm happy to help you anytime, you need something. I'm going to inform Dr. Choi, that you won't show up here tomorrow after we have already done the blood test today."

"Okay. Thanks." Matt said as he looked at his now bandaged hand. He played with the adhesive tape and finally sighed, "Halstead, I'm sorry. I can't even tell you what's gotten into me. One moment I'm offering my sincere thank you and then … I'm …. I am sorry."

"I guess I'm no Dr. Charles." Will shrugged and looked at Matthew, curious how his reaction would be.

But Matt just shared the look and then smiled, "Don't worry, I wanted to strangle him as well at some point during his visit," Matt admitted.

"I'm happy to hear that," Will laughed. "Do you need anything more from me? Otherwise, I can discharge you. Severide's waiting for you."

"Nah, I don't need anything. Thanks again and sorry about my little outburst. I'm just tired, and I tend to get cranky if I don't get enough sleep," Matt tried to explain why he snapped at him earlier.

"I totally can empathize. Take care of that hand and don't punch any more mirrors." Halstead said just to get his theory confirmed.

"I'll try not to," Matt smirked, "I guess I need a new one in my bathroom now." Matt admitted what he had done earlier, "It was a spur of the moment kind of thing. Like I said I get cranky when I'm not sleeping."

Halstead noticed, Casey mentioning lack of sleep again and he remembered his talk with Kelly a few days back about Matt experiencing those night-terrors. So, he tried the obvious, "You want me to prescribe you something so that you can sleep better?"

Matt raised his head at Will's question. The doctor could tell that he stroked the right chord. "I can write you a prescription on a few light sleeping pills. Or I can get Dr. Charles back, and he could put you on some medication he thinks is right for you." Will wanted to help Casey in the best possible way. He wanted him to have alternatives for calming down other than to drink alcohol or to punch something or someone.

Matt contemplated Will's offer. "I guess some sleeping pills would be a good idea. I ... I have trouble getting to sleep and even if I'm able to fall asleep ... eventually, I tend to wake up after one to two hours later. It was fine while I was resting at home, but ... but now as I get back to work, I guess it would be good to sleep more than a few hours per night." Matt was glad how this conversation turned out in his favor. He wanted to ask about the pills for quite some time now, and now that Will mentioned them himself, Matt took the opportunity.

"Absolutely no problem," Will told him. "I'll get the prescription ready for you, and then you're good to go." He walked with Matt outside of the room and to a computer terminal. He printed the prescription out and made his way over to Matt, who was waiting alongside Kelly, ready to go home. He passed the little sheet to Casey and told him in a casual voice, "Don't bite my head off! ... But I have to tell you as a precautionary measure because I'm your doctor and legally advised to do so: Don't mix the pills with any alcohol!"

Matt smirked at that as he took the prescription, "Copy that!"

Kelly and Will said their goodbyes to each other, and Kelly asked, "What's this?" as he saw Matt putting the little sheet in his pocket.

"Some painkillers for my hand. Everything's fine. Don't worry. I'm glad we're finally able to go home."

"Yeah! Me too. Do you want to get something to eat before we head home? I'm starving."

"Yea! Let's go," Matt told Kelly.


	28. Chapter 28

_Pallada: I know Matt acted a bit out of line, but he's confused and irritated with himself. So he acts kind of rude around those who are trying to help him. It's his way of dealing or not dealing at all. But I promise you, he'll get his act together. Give it some time, like Kelly and Will ;-)_

* * *

Chapter XXVIII

After leaving the hospital and stopping by a drugstore to get Matt's pills, Severide and Casey went to a diner. Both men were tired and ready to go home and sleep the rest of the night. It had been getting late, and the two firefighters weren't much talkative during their dinner.

Casey got soup and was glad to could actually enjoy it for the moment. Kelly had a whole burrito and now was eating his dessert. Matt was kind of jealous, but he didn't say anything, because Kelly had waited patiently in the hospital hallways this evening.

"You're okay?" Severide asked as he recognized Matt looking longingly at his pie in front of him.

"Yeah! I'm fine. You want my pie too?"

"Nah, I'm full. You should eat it yourself. To get some calories on your hips."

"I can't. I'd like to, but I'm afraid my stomach isn't up for it. It's best to stick to soup and oat porridge the next couple of days, I guess."

"Sucks to be you!" Kelly smirked as he reached for Casey's pie.

"Thanks a lot, didn't notice" Matt sighed as he leaned back at his stool.

Kelly looked at his friend and cautiously asked him, "Matt, you're good with coming back to work? Chief would totally understand if you took more time off."

Matt looked at the plate in front of him and played with a few crumbles which were left on it after Kelly had snatched the cake "To be honest I thought about staying at home a couple more shifts."

Kelly was surprised by hearing Casey say something like that, "Seriously? Wow! I thought you would call me an idiot for only mentioning it. I never thought you'd actually consider it. So, I guess me asking isn't quite wrong."

Matt just shrugged and didn't say anything. Kelly pushed further, "So, what's it going to be? We could actually go on that fishing trip if you'd like to. At least I wouldn't be a big fat liar."

Matt frowned at Kelly's suggestion, who explained it to him, „I think I should tell you now, that everyone at 51 thinks, we've been at my dad's cabin for the last couple of days. Just to get our stories straight."

Matt nodded, "Good. And thanks for coming up with it. I appreciate it."

"No problem Matt! I'm happy to help. So, what are you saying? You want to help me settle my conscience and go on the trip? "

Matt picked at the crumbles at the plate while asking, "So, I guess if I decide to stay home, you will stay home too?" Then he looked questioningly at his friend, "Why?"

Kelly took a sip from his water and stated, "To keep you company."

Matt frowned and finally clarified what he thought was going on, "You mean, to keep me under observation."

"No. Not this time," Kelly admitted. "This time I thought we could take some time off and do something together, just like my initial plan had been. Before you've crushed it."

Matt noticed the little side blow but didn't comment on it. "Sounds nice, you and me on a fishing boat. Nothing, except silence and fresh air. I could definitely use some time-out."

"As I said, Boden would totally back us up. It's up to you."

Matt sighed as he finally made his decision, "As nice as it sounds, I think it's best if we go back to work next shift."

"If that's what you want, I'm okay with that too," Kelly reassured him. "I'm happy to go back. I've missed the firehouse a bit, to be honest."

Matt smirked at Kelly, "And I guess a certain someone, in the firehouse."

Kelly knew that Matt was talking about Stella, but he didn't want to come across as that newly loving couple. He didn't want to make Casey feel uncomfortable because he figuratively spoken had just gotten the red flag in the form of divorce papers.

"Can't fool you! I've missed me a good portion of Cap. His bald head is what's doing it for me."

Matt laughed and almost spilled his cup of tea, he had ordered previously. Then he suddenly got serious again and looked at Kelly, "You know, it's okay to be happy about you and Stella. I'm happy for you! Man, you deserve it after everything that has happened."

Kelly smiled at his friend and nodded in agreement.

"Although, I don't get what a confident woman, like Kidd, sees in you? But hey I'm glad you're off the market now that I have to dive in eventually. ... "

Matt, even if he wanted to sound upbeat and lightly, seemed depressed and unhappy. Kelly could sense his bittersweetness, and he felt the darkness in his voice which indicated that Matt wasn't as ready to accept what had happened between him and Dawson.

"Matt, listen! I'm ...," Kelly wanted to console, but Matt harshly cut him off, "Don't!"

Kelly sighed and leaned back in his chair and tried once more, "It's okay to be sad about Gabby. I know how much you loved her."

"Love her," Matt corrected. "Just because she doesn't love me anymore, doesn't change my feelings. I still love her. Always will. She's the one. Always has been. And some papers aren't going to change that either."

Kelly looked at Matt and noticed his eyes getting glassy. He desperately wanted to hug him or to let him know in some kind of way that he understood his pain, which he clearly displayed.

"Man, really, I am so, so sorry about what happened. Sure, you're always gonna love her. She was … is a very important person for you in your life. But I think you shouldn't let this whole thing define you. You have to get past it and try to move on."

Matt could feel the tears stinging, and he tried to blink them away. His chest began to close up, and he felt like someone had kicked him in his stomach. He cleared his throat and excused himself as he stood up and made his way to the toilet.

Kelly left alone at the table sighed deeply. He watched Casey go into the restroom and decided to take care of their bill before Matt would come back so that they could finally head home.

Matt stood in front of the dirty bathroom mirror of this diner and splashed some water on his face. He had to calm down his nerves. The talking about Gabby did make him uneasy and depressed. His view fell on his bandaged hand. The dressing was now wet by the water and Matt sighed as he reached for some disposable cloths to dry it off. Matt could feel the fresh stitches throbbing as he dabbed the wet areas. Hoping to stop the pulsation, but without even realizing it, his grip got firmer and more aggressive. Pain shot thru his hand and wrist, but he kept on pushing. He held his breath while the stabbing feeling continued because he didn't let go. For a second Matt thought he had to vomit, because of the intense pain in combination with his already aggravated stomach. Matt knew he needed to gain some weight and throwing up every time after eating wouldn't help with that, so he finally let go of his hand. Little dark dots clouded his vision, and his head started to spin. With trembling hands, he once again splashed some more water on his face and concentrated on his breathing. He felt shaky and tired as he left the bathroom, but his desperation about losing Gabby was gone for the time being, or at least his body was distracted enough to let his mind not think about it.

Kelly was standing at the counter and paid their bill when he could see Casey from the corner of his eyes. He noticed that his friend looked paler than before and he rushed to his side. "Hey, you're, all right? You're white as a sheet. ... Did you throw up?"

Matt swallowed visibly, and his body began to sway a bit. He shook his head and mumble, "No. ... Not yet."

"Okay. That's good," Kelly told him, "But we should head home. It's been a long day, and you're not one hundred percent back."

Matt had to agree with him, "Guess you're right." He felt a bit ashamed because of what had happened in the bathroom. He didn't want to hurt himself, but his inner angst and frustration combined with the tears that were threatening to fall pushed him into this sort of self-flagellation.

Suddenly the man behind the counter shouted, "Hey! You guys!" Severide and Casey looked in the direction of the voice. The man looked at them with a grim face, "You two! Out! We don't support drug use here in our restaurant."

Kelly looked stunned and shouted back, "Dude! Shut up!"

Casey blushed, as he knew that guy's accusation was meant for him. Sadly enough, he couldn't blame the man for thinking something like that, because to be fair it must have looked suspicious, him coming out of the restroom unsteady and pale.

Severide supported Casey as they made their way past the counter, as Kelly suddenly stopped and addressed the man, "You're full of crap! I know this diner since I was a little kid and believe me, nothing deserves the title restaurant here."

They made their way to the exit. Casey was still swaying slightly, and Kelly could tell that he was fighting not to empty his stomach right here and now. He was sweating slightly, and his hands were trembling a bit.

The guy just smirked at them and said with a hint of sarcasm, "Thank you for trusting our service!"

Kelly turned around and left Casey standing back at the entrance. „You're really a piece of shit," he said to the guy.

"Kelly, don't! He's not worth it." Matt raised his shaky voice. Then he pleaded, "Just let's head home." Matt was on alert, he was worried Kelly could do something stupid, so he tried to straighten up and to look not as sick as he felt.

The man looked Kelly in the eyes and challenged him, "Yes, sweetie. Listen to your drugged-up buddy and go home."

Kelly held the gaze and stated, "He's sick! Not drugged, genius!"

"Aren't they all?"

"Ah, whatever!" Kelly huffed as he snatched two of the pricier chocolate bars from the counter display.

"Hey! You have to pay for them," the man shouted.

"Already did," Kelly replied. "Just take it out of the tip I gave you." He smirked at him and added, "Don't expect us to come back."

"Wouldn't want you to. Have a nice life." He winked at Kelly.

Kelly walked away still feeling pissed. He was guided out and to his car by Casey, who feared his friend would stalk back in there to start a fist fight.

* * *

At the car ride back, Matt smiled half-hearted and told Kelly his thank you, for protecting him back at the diner. Matt noticed Kelly was still looking pissed, "Wow, you're really mad at that guy."

"He's a total loser!" Kelly huffed, "You should be mad too! He basically accused you of shooting up in there, you've got that, right?"

Matt didn't know what he should answer. Instead, he sighed and pinched his bridge of the nose.

Kelly was alarmed by Casey's silence, and he quickly asked, "How are you doing? You'll tell me before you'll puke in my car?"

Matt sighed, "I'm fine. Don't worry about your precious car."

"Good. Just wanted to get the message out."

"I'll think I'll manage," Matt reassured Kelly as he took in a big breath.

Severide glanced at his passenger. Matt's forehead was shimmering from sweat, and his eyes were bloodshot and sported dark circles. Kelly was getting upset with Matt. This guy's accusation hit Kelly harder than it hit Matthew and he got mad at him for not defending himself back at the store, or even now as the two were talking about the incident. Kelly couldn't believe that Matt let himself be accused of being a junky. But he changed the subject nonetheless, "What about your hand?" He asked a bit sternly.

Matt felt a flush of guilt and panic rise in him. He was sure Kelly couldn't know about what happened in the restroom, so he casually asked, "What about it?"

Kelly looked baffled for a second at Matt, "I'm asking you if it's still hurting, genius."

"Nah. It's fine. Will did a good job."

Kelly couldn't get past what had happened lately and finally told his friend, "Matt, I'm telling you. You're really blowing it these past few days."

Matt bowed his head and wasn't sure what to add to that.

"I mean it's not just the vodka-thing. You, running around in bad neighborhoods, fighting with Boden and disobeying orders on a constant basis, … today smashing your hand, ... what's next? I'm worried. That's not healthy and totally out of character for you."

"Please Severide. I've already got an earful from Halstead. I don't need you to chew me out as well."

"Yeah, well. I guess you have to listen to me as well! Sorry, Halstead's not the only one who gets to talk it off of his chest. I try to be sympathetic. I really am, but today was enough! You've punched a freaking mirror, Casey! What if I hadn't been with you?" Kelly held on for a second to gather his next thoughts. "You could be dead by now. And the whole firehouse would have to go to your damn funeral."

Casey was taken back by Kelly's outburst, "Uhm, Kelly you're sure you're talking about me punching a mirror? I think death in this scenario is a bit of a stretch, don't you think?"

Kelly was furious, and he wanted Casey to see how dangerous and reckless his behavior had become, and of course, he was referring to the alcohol poisoning. "You know exactly what I'm talking about. So, don't play dumb! Not this time. For once in your life, try to follow a decent conversation."

Matt was baffled, "Okay, what now!? For once in my life...? Wh- what!? I've had plenty of decent conversations in my life."

"Really, tell me about one!" Kelly raised his index finger, "One decent conversation you've actually had with me." Kelly challenged him.

"We've talked."

"Okay. So, tell me! One conversation where you didn't talk back or deflect in any kind of way. Just one, you can think of."

Matt was silent for a while. He just couldn't think of one example, though he wanted badly to convince Kelly that he was wrong about him. But in the haste of the moment, he couldn't find anything. He desperately searched for a memory he could throw back at Severide.

"Just like I thought!" Kelly said pleased after a while.

Suddenly Matt remembered, "We've talked when Hallie died. I told you it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To tell her whole family about her death." Matt let out a breath to demonstrate his victory. "See. We've had decent conversations."

"Only that you had to take time off afterward, none the less. You've been a mess then, and you're a mess now."

Matt was getting irritated by Kelly's constant nagging about him being a mess, as he called it. "Because you're so balanced yourself?"

"I never said that's the case. I'm just better at dealing with stuff."

"Phew! You're kidding, right? You've got married in Vegas because you couldn't cope after Shay's death. That's not appropriate dealing either, my friend."

"Yeah, well! At least, I've gotten sex out of it, instead of pneumonia."

Kelly smirked at Matt, who just shook his head at that statement. "Okay. That's an argument, I can't fight. Definitely one point for you, Mr. Vegas."

Kelly put the car on hold as they reached Casey's driveway. Matt opened the door and looked at Kelly, "You don't have to come in. You can go home and be with Stella. I'm good for now. You don't have to babysit me forever, you know."

"Yeah, right. Not a chance, Casey. I'm staying with you tonight."

"Okay. But don't rub it in my face, in a few years from now. I'll tell you, I didn't want you to stay."

"I can live with that." Kelly smiled. "You're okay, or do I have to carry you?"

"I think I'll manage."

* * *

Inside the house, Kelly sat down at the sofa in the living room as he heard Casey rummage around with the bags he had placed for him to see. Severide sighed and thought about helping Casey but decided that it was best to just let him deal with it by himself. He wouldn't want to be observed if he was in his position. He thought about his anger he had felt towards him in the car. Kelly knew he had been judgmental, and a bit harsh, but his concern for his friend was real, and he did have the impression Casey was stuck in a very dark corner, these days.

He remembered the guy who thought Casey was a drug addict, and he wondered how his coworkers would react to him when Matt would show up at the firehouse. He was afraid they could think anything similar about their colleague. He had to back Casey up if that would turn out to be an issue, even so, he couldn't blame them if they would be alarmed by their Captain's appearance. He didn't exactly look healthy at the moment, and his unsteady feet could turn into a major problem if Casey would be out on a call.

Casey got rid of all the bags, and after that, he went to the bathroom, where he had to clean up the mess he had made. The shards were strewed all over the floor, and it took him some time to get them all out. After he had finished cleaning, he went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. He subconsciously reached for one of the beer cans, which he kept in the vegetable drawer. He looked at it and sighed. He knew his stomach wouldn't allow him to enjoy a beer, so he opted to make himself some tea.

After a while, he went into the living room. Severide was dozing in front of the TV, and Casey sat down next to him. The movement woke Kelly up, and he looked a bit sleepy. "Hey, you're done with cleaning?"

"Yes. All clear and shiny now," Matt stated. "I do need a new bathroom-mirror though."

"You could have asked me to help you," Kelly said out of pure courtesy, "You look exhausted."

Casey shrugged and told him, "I'm alright. And you've already cleaned up the majority of the mess I've made. Thanks for that, by the way."

Matt reached for the tea and pointed at the beer he had placed for Kelly on the table. "It's for you. Drink up!"

Kelly looked at the can and frowned, "I don't have to. I mean I don't want to drink it if you don't ...," Kelly stammered.

"If I what, Kelly?" Matt asked.

"I don't know. I guess if you don't want to see me drink it," Kelly cautiously said.

"Why wouldn't I want you to drink it?" Matt was a bit confused about Kelly's hesitation. "It's just a beer, not a 300$ Whiskey."

Kelly looked at Matt and wanted to address the issue, but Casey got the idea about what was going on. "Ah! I see. You think I'm a drunk, too. Interesting. You and Halstead must have had some revealing conversations about me." He looked pissed, and the situation turned awkward for both of them.

Kelly cleared his throat, "Actually, we didn't address that topic."

"So, it happens out of pure coincidence that you two accuse me of having a drinking problem, on the same day. Nice." Matt grumbled as he leaned back on the sofa.

Kelly got pissed himself. He wanted Matt to understand his side of the story, "Okay, Casey. Tell me what we're supposed to be thinking? I mean I find you lying half dead in your own puke between empty bottles. So, tell me, how does that look like?"

"So, it's true. You think I'm an alcoholic?" Matt asked stunned. Then he looked at his friend and told him in a calm yet stern voice, "Severide, I am not!"

Kelly sighed and shook his head as he honestly tried to make a point, "I don't know, Matt. You've seen the bags of bottles I gathered together."

Casey sat up straight and pointed at the door, where he just had put them out, "That were bottles I've drunk during the last months. Months, not days! I'm positive you can do the math on that one."

"Casey, I'm glad if that's the case. But I don't know if that's actually the truth or if you're just in denial about it."

"What the fuck, Kelly?" Matt shouted, "I'm not in denial about anything! Because there isn't anything to be in denial of."

"Look, Matt, I don't want to fight with you. I just want to help you get better."

Matt took Kelly's words in. He tried to understand him, and he forced himself to calm down. He needed Kelly, he knew it, even if he wasn't going to tell him that.

"You did! And now I'm good as new," Matt told a still worried looking Severide. "I know I have put you through the wringer this past couple of days," Matt tried to apologize, "don't think I don't feel terrible about what had happened. I do. And I can't thank you enough for helping me out. I know that." Matt bowed his head and looked at his hands as he carried on, "And I'm not just talking about you helping me while I was sick. I know you've saved my reputation too, and that one ... I can't ever pay you back."

"I don't want your gratitude, Matt," Kelly said. "I'm your friend, and of course, I'm helping you! You've done it for me in the past. And we'll do it again if we need to."

Matt huffed and threw his hands in the air, "What is it, Kelly? What do you want me to do?" Matt raised his cup and said, "I'm drinking fucking tea for the last few days, and it isn't spiked if you're wondering," Matt added just to make his point clear.

Kelly sighed and turned half around so that he could look at Matt's face when he would say this, "I want you to be honest with yourself," Kelly said and paused as Matt turned his gaze away from him. Kelly didn't try to get Casey to look at him once more. He knew Matt couldn't gather the strength to face him, "Casey, what you did these past few months is borderline suicidal. ... And I don't want you to apologize for it to me. I want you to face it. And I want you to get help!"

The room went silent after that. Both had to process what had been said. Matt sat there with his cup of tea, he wished would have been spiked, and Kelly sipped his beer, awkwardly glancing at his brother next to him on the couch. He didn't feel guilty about what he had said to Matt. It was how he felt, and he knew that he was right. Matt had chosen a dangerous way of living his life. He acted reckless in his job, and he behaved even more stubborn in his private life. It was his friend's job to tell him to stop it. Otherwise, he could end up pretty hurt or worse.

Matt was the first one to move and to say something. He stood up and with a bowed head, he told Kelly that he was tired and that he would try to find some rest.

"Matt. Come on! Let's talk about this," Kelly tried to get him to sit back down and to find a way to end this conversation on an upbeat.

"I think I've talked enough for today," Matt mumbled. "Kelly, I know you're trying to help me. I get that. And I think I've got the idea what you think of me and my way of living. If it bothers you that much, then don't help me next time."

"Come on, Casey! You're not seriously pissed at me because I gave you a clear picture of what you're doing right now. You have to admit that you're not acting like a sane, rational person right now."

Matt shook his head and faked a smile, "So now I'm crazy too?" Matt glared at Kelly, and with a serious voice he added, "Maybe I don't know how a sane person should act, because, maybe I've never been surrounded by any sane person."

"Okay," Kelly agreed, "That's a start. So, let's talk about all the other crazy person in our lives." Kelly thought for a moment and then blurted out, "My mum hooked up with my dad after more than twenty years, only to be ditched again."

"Ouch!" Matt winced, "Really?" Kelly nodded eager. "That's terrible. How is she," Casey asked honestly interested?

"Don't know. She's back home. I'm positive that my dad pops up after being in the hideout for a while. So, you see we all have crazy people in our corner." Kelly tried to find a connection with his friend.

Matt was stunned about what he had heard. "Over twenty years, and she still took him back?" He secretly saw himself twenty years from now, doing the same, if Dawson actually ever would want him back.

"I know, totally nuts that woman! I wasn't thrilled about it, but it's her life, not mine."

This caught Casey's attention back, "Oh, so you're capable of staying out of someone else's business? You know what, why don't you try it with mine too?" And with that, he finally turned around and left the living room.

Kelly sighed and shouted after Matt, "See that's exactly the kind of conversation I was describing earlier in the car. No decency what so ever!"

He was glad he hadn't told Matt that he was the one causing his parents to split up by meddling.


	29. Chapter 29

_Let me begin with a huge THANKS to all of you, who take time to write reviews. I'm so happy that you liked the interactions between our two lovely firefighters. And I'm in awe about the nice feedback about my ability to tell a good story. This means a lot to me. So thank you and here's the next chapter._

* * *

Chapter XXIX

Severide went to bed after Casey vanished in his own bedroom after their little argument. Kelly tried to figure out when in the conversation it went wrong. Casey had been more reasonable after the hospital visit. He managed to hold a short discussion about Dawson and even admitted to having doubts about returning to work. Kelly was especially surprised by this revelation. He wondered what it was that made Casey uncomfortable to go back to the firehouse. Kelly thought maybe the Chief's decision of stripping him off of his command on truck was the reason behind his friend's hesitation. But then again, Stella had told him that Casey had been taking it with dignity and without any hard feelings at all.

Kelly couldn't deny his worries about Casey returning to work. They had even increased after he realized that the firefighter himself seemed to struggle with it. Severide came to the conclusion that he should talk to Matt about that again. If Matt actually was going to speak to him again the next day.

He made a mental note to himself to talk to the Chief as well, about giving Casey his truck back, even if he wasn't so sure if his friend should be in charge these days. He would tell Boden that he'd be keeping a close eye on the Captain in order to step in if something would get wrong or turned precarious. After a while of musing, the exhaustion from the day's events set in and Kelly fell asleep.

Matt, in the room next door, wasn't as lucky and his mind didn't let him rest at all. His nervous energy, which had been built up after punching the bathroom mirror and the conversations he had to undergo with Kelly, Halstead, and Dr. Charles left him at unease and made him question himself and his actions once more. He contemplated taking one of the sleeping pills. Maybe they would allow his head to shut down and eventually let him have some quality rest.

After a while of tossing and turning, he gave in and finally stood up. He was glad that Severide already had gone to bed, so he didn't have to face him after their last conversation. Matt was mad at Kelly. He tried to understand his friend but to be fair, he was strongly disappointed in him for apparently believing that he had something like a drinking problem. He got that Halstead would think something like that, but Kelly? They knew each other for as long enough that it felt like a lifetime. He should've known better, and Kelly shouldn't even consider, something like that, for even just a second.

Matt boiled some tea. Maybe this would help him to calm down and to get his act together. Tomorrow would be a new day, and it was the last one before returning back to work. He planned on doing some light workout and maybe go for a run. He had to build up some strength to face the tough demands work would bring.

Casey sat down in the living room and sighed. He put the box with the sleeping pills on the table in front of him and looked at them. He tried to figure out if he should rely on medication to finally get the much-needed rest or if he should try to find sleep without taking them. He couldn't help but wonder what Gabby would advise him to do. After all, she was the one with the medical background, and he trusted her opinion on this kind of stuff. He also remembered Hallie's attempt, years back, to get him to take them. Matt wasn't quite sure what it was that held him back. Maybe the fact that he was used to be able to wake up anytime. Early on, while he was training to be a firefighter, the first thing he recognized was that it was essential to be alert all the time. As a first responder, you have to be ready when a call comes in. Sleeping pills or any other soothing medications are not the kinds of things you want in your system if you're about to go on a call. But on the other hand, Will knew about Casey's job, and Matt was sure that he picked out the right medication, that wouldn't interfere too much in his ability to do his daily work.

Being in control always had been important for Matthew. If you're not in control of your life, it gets complicated, and the troubles begin. That was like a mantra to Casey. Sadly, enough it felt like trouble was finding Matt nowadays, like moths the light.

Matt took his phone and felt this incredible urge to call Gabby, his wife. To him, she always would stay just that, his wife. They got married, they shared an apartment together, they had a life together. How on earth was it now impossible to call her in the middle of the night? He so badly wanted to hear her voice, to hear about her day, about how she was doing. Why was it so hard for her to love him when it was the simplest thing for him, to love her? He couldn't imagine a life without her. He couldn't get used to not knowing what was going on in her life.

His heart felt heavy and broken. He was trapped in this life he didn't want, and he was sure he never would find luck ever again without her. How he would manage to live every upcoming day as nothing had happened, he didn't have an answer to that.

As Casey scrolled thru the pictures on his phone, he felt this incredible loss. Some of the images with him and Gabby he had to swipe quickly away because it made him physically sick to look at them. Tears started to slowly roll down his cheeks as he looked at these reminders of a better life. A life he had cherished, a life he had fought for very hard and a life that actually did have a purpose.

He was sunken deep in his thoughts as Kelly approached him. He didn't stir as the seat next to him was taken.

"Case?" Severide tried to get his attention, but the man was too upset to form a sentence. Instead, he wiped hastily away his tears. Kelly put his arm on the back of his friend and patted it soothingly, "It's okay to be sad, Matt. I know the feeling."

"I ...," began Matt but wasn't able to finish the sentence.

"I know," Kelly answered. "I know you miss her. It's okay and absolutely normal. Don't worry. It will go away."

"But I don't want it to go away. I want her in my life. I need her in my life." Casey still had his eyes glued to the picture of Gabriela Dawson on his phone in front of him.

"Matt," Kelly sighed and gently took the phone from Casey and put it on the table. "Now it feels that way. Give it some time! You're going to find someone new. Someone you can love just as much as Gabby." His eyes caught sight of the little pillbox, which was labeled Rozerem. He knew these drugs weren't pain-killer, so he guessed that Halstead finally put Casey on some sleeping pills, which he thought was long overdue.

Matt huffed, "And if I don't want anyone other than Gabby? What do I do? I can't just move on. It doesn't feel right. We're married. We promised each other to stay together. That has to count for something, doesn't it? I don't know what to do."

"At the moment you're doing exactly what you should be doing. You're grieving. That's alright and good. Cry your eyes out. I've done the same a thousand times."

"And if I can't stop?"

"You'll stop. Everyone stops eventually. I know it sounds cheesy, but time is a great healer."

Matt snorted at that, but for the lack of words he just shook his head and mumbled, "Maybe you're right. I'm just tired and exhaust."

"Then maybe you should try one of these," Kelly said while grabbing the sleeping pills still standing on the table. He felt bad about it, but he had the urge to check the label, just to be sure that they were legit. He was relieved as he recognized the prescribing doctor's name. "I guess Halstead prescribed them to you for a reason."

Matt sighed and clarified, "I don't want to be dependent on pills to get some sleep."

"But it's okay to drink a bottle of vodka?" Kelly sounded casual. He didn't want to push Matt, but he had to address the issue once more. He wanted Casey to see how bad his previous coping strategies turned out.

"That was completely different," Matt defended himself.

"Was it?" Kelly asked suspiciously, "I mean, come on Matt, be honest! You drank that alcohol because you wanted to get your mind at ease. And I get it. But I guess these pills are a much healthier way to do it." He put the little pillbox back on the table.

"Guess you're right," Matt had to agree with Severide on that part.

After a little pause, he looked at his friend and asked, "Kelly, … uhm, do you actually think," he paused again, "I mean do you really think that I have an alcohol problem?"

Kelly was a bit taken off guard. He hadn't expected Matt to ask him this question in a nonaggressive way. Given that circumstance, he had to choose his answer wisely, and without the use of any words, Matt could take as an offense.

"I'm worried about you," Kelly tried to explain how he felt. "But I don't necessarily think, you're an alcoholic."

"Good," Matt told him, "Because I'm not."

Kelly looked at his friend and told him in a very calm voice, "But I think you should be more careful. You've picked up a very bad habit in these last couple of months, and sometimes something like that can turn into a big problem."

"You sound just like Halstead," Matt snorted, "Maybe you should become a doctor yourself."

"What? Me? Studying? No way! I like fighting fires."

"Me too," Matt stated. He suddenly recognized a nervous feeling rise in him, and he had to stand up to get a hold of his inner anxiety. "It's just," he began but couldn't find the right words to address his thoughts.

"What is it, Matt?" Kelly tried to get him to talk.

"I just, … I don't know." Matt began pacing. "Do you think I should stay home longer?"

Kelly sighed. He didn't have an answer to that, but he wanted to offer his help. "Matt, if you're not ready to go back, then I guess it's wiser to stay home. Recharge your batteries and come back stronger."

"I thought about it. I want to go back, … but … I don't know. Staying home doesn't change anything. Besides I need to do something. I can't sit around and look at pictures all day. I'm a Captain with the CFD. I have responsibilities. All three shifts need to be coordinated. Boden already had to step in long enough for me." Kelly observed Casey as he rambled and paced in front of him. "Then why are you questioning your decision?" Kelly asked his friend. Matt rubbed his forehead and stopped pacing, "I don't know. This whole thing … it's so messed up. I mean, Kelly," finally Matt dared to say what actually made him so worked-up, "look at me! Do I look like a firefighter to you?" He stood in front of Kelly and tried to look him in the eyes, but the shame was too great, and he ended up staring at the floor.

"Casey, come on! You were sick with pneumonia for almost two weeks. Not to mention the alcohol poisoning and your stomach issues. Of course, it takes some time. But it will get better. You'll get better. I promise."

"I know," Matt sighed and sat back down, "But what about my team? Or your team? The whole house will wonder? Whats the Chief going to think? He already thinks I've lost my mind." He let his head rest in his hands as he bowed forward. "I know that they're already talking about me. I'm not dumb, Kelly. I know exactly how this is going to play out. … I mean," he took in a shaky breath, "... you've heard that guy in the diner today."

"Matt, forget about that idiot. He doesn't know you. But 51 does. They're not going to accuse you of something stupid like that."

"Well, you've done it," Matt mumbled. "At least in some kind of way." A hint of disappointment reflected in Casey's voice

Kelly frowned at him and finally put his hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry Matt. I know you think that I'm judging you. And I guess sometimes I can be a bit harsh. And I know I'm not exactly the one who gets to throw with stones. I've had my bad days. I get why you think I'm a hypocrite."

"That's not it, Kelly. I know how hard it was for you. … Losing Shay … and Anna. Believe me, I know the feeling."

Both firemen sat in silence, recalling their darkest hours and their different strokes of fate.

"Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me," Casey deadpanned.

"What do you mean? Nothing's wrong with you, Matt."

"And why is it, that everyone is leaving me at some point?" Matt sounded defeated, and Kelly hadn't seen his buddy that vulnerable and desperate at any time he could think of. And it almost felt different and unreal. "That's not true," he just stated.

"Kelly, look at my life!" Matts' voice was determined to convince his friend about how he felt.

Severide wasn't sure what to say. He wanted to console his friend, but he couldn't think of a single word that would make him feel better. In his head, he made a quick overview on what he knew about Casey. His family, his love-life, his friends. He recognized he didn't know much about Matthew Casey, but he knew he had indeed lost a lot of people.

Matt sighed and carried on, "I don't know what it is. Every time I think I'm finally able to settle down, I'm ending up alone. … Two years back I was getting married to the love of my life. We had a son. We were happy!" Matt sniffed, "I mean what the hell happened?"

Kelly listened to his friend as he began to ramble again. "I've lost Gabby. Just like I've lost Hallie. Only this time the grieving feels unreal and pointless. She's not dead. She's living her life, in Puerto Rico, ... apparently. And I can't even talk to her. She doesn't want to be a part of my life anymore. … And I can't change that." Matt sat up straight and leaned in on the backrest of the couch, his head fell back, and he let out a small scream, "Argh, I … It's just so frustrating." He put his hands on his eyes as if he wanted to hide, like a child playing hide and seek. To not be able to see anything and to not be seen by anyone. His whole body was tense, and Kelly could tell Matt was on the edge of losing it. He put his hand on his friend's knee in a firm way and said, "Matt come on don't let it affect you that much. Try to not think of it, for a minute." He knew it was bad advice. Matt had to deal with all his doubts and fears, but he also was concerned that he would get lost in it as well. "Gabby has issues. She loves you, I'm sure. She didn't leave you because there's something wrong with you. She left because she's the one with the problem. Not you. You did everything you could to make this marriage work."

Matt sighed and stared at the ceiling, "And yet she left. That's all that matters. She's gone! Like every other person in my life that I cared for."

Kelly sighed and sat in silence next to his troubled friend.

"I mean, come on Kelly, you have to see it." Matt sat up again and looked at Kelly as he addressed him, "Just look at my family! Their all gone. I barely talk to my sister. I even don't know where my mother is these days."

Kelly sighed, "So what? Try to reconnect with them if that's what you want. I'm sure they'd be happy to have a relationship with you."

Casey's face seemed even edgier, and his look became haunted, "A Relationship? Really?" Matt's voice was dripping with sarcasm. "How should that work? A family dinner, together with my mom's parole officer? I mean, it's complicated. My whole family is complicated. I've tried with my mother. I did. But I guess we did blow that one."

Kelly looked at Matt and tried to see behind his sarcastic behavior regarding this whole thing, "Then try again. I know you've been in contact with your sister. She came by the firehouse a few times. That doesn't sound too bad. And I know your mother lived with you. Didn't she? … After she …," Kelly stopped by then, suddenly anxious to mention Casey's family history.

"After she was released from jail, you mean," Matt finished for him.

Severide felt terrible for bringing it up, and he feared Matt would close up again or worse, get upset and try to escape the whole conversation as always. But something entirely different happened, Matt carried on, "It wasn't like I had a chance. She had to stay with me. Court order," Matt sighed and continued with sharpness in his voice Kelly hadn't often heard before, "Someone had to take her in and keep an eye on her. Because she's a convicted murderer and has to be supervised."

Kelly didn't know how to react to that. He thought about saying something, anything. He felt relieved as Matt started to speak again, "My mother was in jail because she killed my Dad." It felt like a statement and Casey's voice sounded bitter. "She killed him, Kelly! She shot him because of me."

Kelly had to admit he was a bit shocked by that. He never had heard Matthew talk about his past before, let alone about that particular story of his childhood. In all these years it never came up. Of course, everyone knew about it, but no one ever mentioned it. It was an absolute no-go and an unspoken rule to not address Casey's family at any point. Therefore, Kelly felt suddenly extremely uncomfortable. He knew he had to say something. But what could you say to a friend whose mother had killed her husband of all people? It felt surreal and totally out of character for Casey to bring it up in the first place.

"Casey," Kelly began, "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry, man!"

Matt again covered his face with his hands in embarrassment, "I shouldn't have brought it up. I'm sorry. I don't know why I did it. It's not a great topic, I know." He sighed, "You don't have to say something. Just forget I said anything."

"No, no. Matt. It's okay. You should talk about it if it's still haunting you."

Matt groaned, "haunting is the perfect word for it."

"Sorry Casey. I'm really bad at this. It's just … I admit you caught me off guard there."

"I know. I guess that's the reason I don't talk about it. It's embarrassing, ... I mean it's totally messed up."

Kelly shook his head, "It is … messed up. But it's not embarrassing. At least it shouldn't be for you," he admitted, "and more important, it's definitely not your fault! Your mother did something very, … uhm, unsettling. … But it wasn't you. She did it."

"Unsettling? Yeah, that sounds about right!" Matt huffed, and Kelly looked apologetic at him, "Sorry Casey, I didn't mean to …". But Matthew cut him off, "I know. Don't worry. It's just, I ... I left the damn key out," Matt finally revealed this little haunting detail of the story, "It was my key. She took it, and she entered the house, and she killed him."

Severide was horrified about hearing that fact, "Matt you couldn't have known what she was going to do! No one could have."

"I know that, but she told me she did it because of me. I was … I am the reason she shot him in the first place. I'm the reason my dad's dead."

Kelly was more than shocked. He wasn't expecting something like that, and he tried to get Matt to realize that he was on a false track.

"I'm sure you're wrong. And you know you are. It was your mother who had a problem with your dad. You didn't tell her to do it."

"Of course, I didn't." Matt said harshly, "but I asked her ... I asked her why she did it."

Kelly looked at his friend. He noticed that Casey's body was slightly trembling and that he obviously had a hard time talking about it. His impression was that maybe this was the first time ever that Matthew revealed anything about that to anyone.

Matt shook his head and admitted, "I mean, ... fifteen years later I finally manage to actually have the guts to ask my mum why she did it. Fifteen years! And she tells me, I am the reason." Matt's breathing hitched, and he closed his eyes as he tried to stay calm. He subconsciously took his injured hand and rubbed at the bandage.

Kelly felt anger rise in him. He couldn't understand how on earth a mother could do that to her own child. This kind of burden should never be put on anybody, let alone on someone with as big of a sense of responsibility like Casey had.

"God! Casey! I'm sorry. That's terrible. Your mother shouldn't have said that. But you can't take her seriously. She's either delusional, or she just wants to split the blame. Either way, that's just crazy! You're not responsible for your father's death."

Matt sighed again. His good hand still pushing against his wounded one. Kelly noticed it and wanted to stop Casey from doing any harm. So, he reached for it to guide it away, but Matt was rooted in his thoughts and was startled by the unexpected touch. He flinched heavily and cried out loud, "Don't touch me!"

Kelly immediately pulled back and held his hands in the air. He was just as surprised as Matt was. Casey looked horrified and quickly said, "Oh god, Kelly, I'm so sorry! I didn't ... I don't know what's gotten into me. You've startled me."

"Sorry, bro. I just wanted to keep you from hurting yourself."

Matt frowned at Kelly, so he tried to explain, "Your hand. You were pushing it too hard. I was worried it would start bleeding again. Didn't you notice?"

Casey looked stunned at his bandaged hand. His face turned a lighter shade of red, and he mumbled, "No. I … God, what's wrong with me? I'm so messed up. You and Will were right! I'm losing it!"

Kelly simply stated, "No you're not. You're just tired and confused."

Matt tried a small smile, "I am tired."

"You wanna go to bed?"

"Don't know if I'm able to get some sleep. I'm so … It feels like I'm constantly running. And I can't stop to catch my breath."

"Matt, I don't know how to help you," Kelly admitted, and so he tried again to lead Casey in the right direction of seeking help, "Maybe you should talk to someone with more experience in this kind of field. I don't know if I'm the right person."

"So, you think I need a shrink? Just like the Chief! Perfect!"

"I don't know about the Chief, but I think you should talk to someone. Yes, maybe a professional wouldn't be such a bad idea. At least for a couple of times. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Yeah, right," Matthew huffed, "That's the reason you've gotten help in Vegas, instead of talking."

"And I admit that I was wrong. Maybe if I would've gone to see a shrink, I would've saved me a lot of trouble and a lot of pain."

Matt didn't look at Kelly but asked him either way, "Why didn't you do it?"

"Because I'm a coward. I guess I was afraid," Kelly bluntly told him, "Of my own feelings, of accepting her death. And I was hurt badly. Losing Shay was the hardest thing I've ever been thru. It's still hard to this day, thinking about her. I miss her terribly."

Matt now looked at his friend. He could see tears shimmering in his eyes and this time he ended up trying to offer some comfort, "I'm sorry. I know what she meant to you. She was your soul mate. And I know she loved you too."

"Thanks, man! It was really hard," Kelly wiped away a little tear that was rolling down his cheek, "and if you wouldn't have let me stay with you and Gabby, I guess it would've ended really bad for me. I was on a rocky road. But now I know that if I had talked about it, I wouldn't have been such a mess."

"I don't know. What's the point in talking anyway? I mean talking's not gonna bring anyone back. … It certainly won't bring Gabby back. I tried to talk to her. I messed things up even more."

"Casey, I'm not just talking about your broken marriage with Dawson. I'm talking about you and what you've been thru. You should talk about all that stuff that's troubling you. Your mom, losing your dad and what else is affecting you so strongly that you have these horrible nightmares."

Matt looked at Severide, "Kelly, that dream … it was the alcohol still running thru my system. Plus, I had a fever. That's what made it look so bad." The firefighter was attempting to play it down.

"Tell yourself that. I know what I've seen. And it wasn't just this one dream, Matt. And you know that. I had to wake you up a couple more times, following that day." Matt sighed and ran his hand through his hair. Kelly kept going about the issue, "And I hear you at nights, you know! Our rooms aren't that far away from each other."

Matt looked at the floor, hiding his embarrassment.

"Hey, don't do that!" Kelly nudged Matt in the thigh, "Don't feel ashamed! I have nightmares too. It's a way for our conscious to deal with all the crap we see."

"Then you go and see a shrink," Matt suddenly changed his behavior. Kelly recognized it immediately, and he was afraid this whole deep and profound conversation would again end up in a quarrel.

"I would do it if I had something going on in my life right now that would affect me as deeply as Shay's or Anna's death affected me then. But fortunately, I'm happy now. And I have to thank you for it a lot."

Matt frowned at him. "You pressured me into coming to terms with my feelings for Stella. I was too afraid of losing someone again that I couldn't allow myself to accept how I really felt. You told me that it wouldn't go away. And you were right Casey."

Matt smiled and said pleased, "Good for you. I'm really happy for you and Kidd. You two are great together."

"We are! And it feels right. You know what I mean?"

Matt nodded knowingly at Kelly, "I know. I had that feeling."

"And it will come back. You'll see. One day there's going to be that feeling again."

"Don't know. Now I'm just hollow and numb. There aren't that many great feelings going on, except my stomach cramps," he tried to mimic a chuckle.

Kelly smiled and told him, "It takes time Matt."

"Doesn't matter. People will leave me anyway, it's how my life works."

Severide felt trapped in Casey's depression, and it felt like his friend had a point. What could he tell him? He chose the obvious, even if it sounded bit clichéd, "You've got me! And I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

Matt looked at Kelly and smirked at him. "I guess, I'm a lucky guy."

Kelly smiled back at him. Matt clapped him on the back and told him in a sincere voice, "No, I mean it. You're a real friend. I know I'm not making it easy for you."

Kelly smiled and sighed at the same time, "Boy some people would say that's an understatement. Sometimes it's hard for me to not want to rip your head off. For a guy, you're actually kind of bitchy."

"I'm not bitchy," Matt sulked but eventually said, "Thanks for staying." And he sounded honest about it.

"No problem. Matt, you're a great friend too and a great colleague. I hope you know that. Boden thinks so too. He's really worried about you. You know?"

Casey didn't respond to that right away, but in the end, he told Severide, "I'm not so sure about that. Boden thinks I'm losing it. He thinks I can't do my job. Why else would he put Herman in charge? And maybe he's not wrong. Maybe I'm not a good Lieutenant."

Kelly sighed and put a hand on Casey's shoulder, "Case, believe me, you're going to get back on track with the Chief. But he has to do what he thinks is right at the moment. And I guess he figured your head's not in the game like it should be and therefore it's best for you to focus on your Captains duties. And Herman can use the experience. Let him have his moment of glory. That means less paperwork for you. That's not so bad, isn't it?"

"You're definitely right about the paperwork thing. I'm swamped with it since this whole promotion went thru."

Matt began to yawn, and Kelly reached for the pillbox still standing on the table, "Here why don't you take one of these and try to sleep? It's almost morning. You should sleep at least another five hours. Tomorrow is a new day, and we can talk again. If you want to."

Casey looked at the pills before he took one out and swallowed it with his by then cold tea. "I guess, good night then. I hope I didn't freak you too much out by telling you all my secrets." Matt faked a laugh, but in truth, he was still ashamed of everything he just had revealed. It felt unnatural to him that someone close to him knew about a few of his demons.

"Phff, Case! You're calling these your secrets? Let me tell you. I can handle a lot more than that," Kelly smirked at Casey. Matt stood up and made his way past Kelly who stopped him, "Hey, Matt. I'm glad you told me this stuff." Severide's voice was soft and honest, "I'm proud of you. I know it's not easy for you. And I promise you, I'll keep it to myself."

Matt nodded at Kelly and said, "Appreciate it. Thanks, Severide. I'm going to bed."

"Sleep well," Kelly told him. He really hoped that the pills would work and that Casey was able to get some rest. The next days, returning back to work would be hard, the firefighter was sure about that, and he was anxious about it himself. He wanted his friend to succeed and to feel good about returning to their family, which firehouse 51 always would be.


	30. Chapter 30

_I am so happy that you all liked the last chapter. It was actually particularly hard to write because I'm used to a closed up and deflecting Casey. It sounds silly but it's true. But all of your kind words in the reviews make me believe that I wasn't that bad in capturing an honest and vulnerable Casey. So, I guess we'll see this side of him again in the future. ;-)_

 _But not right now ..._

* * *

Chapter XXX

Severide was preparing brunch while Matthew slept in late that morning after he had taken the sleeping pill last night. Kelly was glad that the medication seemed to be working because Matt didn't show up since Kelly woke up an hour ago. He himself had a hard time going back to sleep yesterday after their talk. Casey's agitation and nervous attitude had rubbed off on Severide as well. He couldn't stop thinking about what he told him regarding his mom and how he was blaming himself for his father's death. Which, by the way, was just ridiculous from Kelly's point of view.

Severide had taken advantage of Matt's absence, and he had called the Chief and told him that they would be back tomorrow for the next shift. Boden was excited to hear the news, but he also was detecting some caution on Kelly's part. So, he had to ask, "Looks like Casey is back on track?" The Chief waited for the answer, and he heard Kelly sighed through the phone, "Yeah. I guess. He's just ..." Kelly stopped midsentence, not sure what to tell his Boss.

"What is it, Severide? Tell me! I need to know, how he's doing."

"Chief, he's good," Kelly reassured, "He's just not back to his usual self. It will take some time."

"So, what exactly do you mean by that?"

"You'll see once we show up. He looks, ... he looks kind of ... 'sickish,'" Kelly admitted and added quickly, "but he's not. Doc says his shoulder is fine now. But it was a really bad infection, and he's lost some weight. It's gonna take some time till he's back to hundred percent."

The silence made it clear for Severide that his Chief had to process everything he just had heard.

"Okay," Boden stated, "But he's cleared for work?"

"Definitely, Chief!"

"Okay. That's good. And you think he's able to handle it?"

Kelly thought about it, and after a few seconds, he finally reassured not only the Chief but himself too, "Absolutely. Yeah! He can do this. He's strong enough. Don't worry."

"If you say so. I trust you and your judgment on this, Lieutenant."

"Thanks, Chief. We'll see us tomorrow then. Have a nice day."

"You too Severide. See you tomorrow."

Kelly felt nervous after he hung up the phone. He didn't exactly know why. Was it because he had doubts about letting Matt return to work. Deep down, Severide had been hoping Casey would give himself more time to heal and to get his mind straight, before facing the rough shifts at the firehouse. He had to be honest with himself. He was worried about Casey not being up for the demands the job of a firefighter requires. His friend was physically weak after that pneumonia, and the fact that he couldn't eat a complete meal was worrisome. If Matt would take at least one week more off, he could gain a few pounds. The new pills, Halstead had prescribed seemed to be working, since Matt hadn't thrown up the last couple of meals, but it was a too short amount of time to actually see any results.

After another half an hour, Kelly had everything ready for their brunch, and he quietly opened the door slightly to Casey's room. He wasn't sure if he should wake him up or if it was best to let him rest as long as the pills would let him. On the other hand, if he slept the whole day, he wouldn't be able to sleep at night, so he opted for his initial thought, which was to wake him up gently.

"Hey, Casey. I've made brunch for us. Do you want something? I've made oatmeal for you. And some eggs, if your stomach's up for it," he said in a soft yet loud enough voice to actually get his attention.

Kelly waited for Matt to say something, but there was no answer. Kelly opened the door fully and stepped inside the room. He looked stunned at an empty bed. After he recovered from his unexpected discovery, Kelly went to the bathroom. Maybe he hadn't heard Casey get up. But it was empty as well. Matt wasn't home. He must have left before Kelly had woken up. Severide was getting a bit irritated and to be honest a bit pissed. Why would Casey go without saying anything to him? "That's nice, Casey!" Kelly mumbled to himself as he looked for a note or any other sign from his absent friend. Kelly knew he was overreacting. Matt was a grown-up man, and he could leave his house whenever he wanted to, but still, he had this nagging feeling that something wasn't quite right. He had to admit it. He was worried sick. "That's ridiculous," he huffed at himself because no one other was there to share his uneasy feeling.

He went back into the kitchen and fetched himself another hot coffee. He paced a few more times between the rooms, as he caught himself looking out of the window like a father would if his kid would be violating the curfew. Was he really that desperate? For a second, he thought about leaving too. He could head home and be with Stella, instead of waiting anxiously for this idiot Matthew Casey, who claimed to be his friend, to arrive back home.

He was about to go and look through the front-door-window again, as he heard the certain sound of keys. He rushed to the door and opened it quickly. A stunned-looking Casey stood in front of him. "Hey! You've startled me," he casually said and bend down to get his keys back from the ground. He had dropped them when the door was being opened abruptly from inside. He wore his workout clothes and was sweating and panting.

Kelly frowned at him and asked, "You've been out running?"

Matt stepped inside and past Kelly, "Yeah. I thought to start getting my old routine back. Couldn't hurt."

Kelly shook his head and made his way past Casey into the kitchen. Matt followed him and went to the fridge to get some water. He was sweating profoundly, and Kelly was sure that he had overdone it, for a first workout after being sick. First, he thought he would call him out on it, but his anger about Casey's selfishness action pushed his worries further down on the scale of feelings for this man.

Instead, Kelly asked with a clearly faked cheerful voice, "How long you've been up?".

"Uhm, don't know. About two hours, I guess. You?"

"About the same."

"Looks like we've just missed each other by a few minutes," Matt stated casual and then told him, "I'm going to head for the shower."

"Don't bother. Brunch's already cold," Kelly said as he passive-aggressively began to put the dishes away.

Matt noticed Kelly's tense demeanor and stopped before heading to the bathroom, "Something bothering you?"

Kelly turned around and looked at Matt, "A note would've been nice. You know something like 'going for a run, back in an hour'. Or you could've woken me up. We could've gone together."

"Okay. Sorry. I'll keep that in mind for the next time," Matt apologized half-heartedly.

"You're sorry? That's a relief then," Kelly snapped.

Matt looked baffled and sighed, "Okay, I think we have established who's bitchy now. So, what's going on, Severide?"

"What's going on? I should ask you the same question."

"I don't know what you're getting at. Could you please be more specific!"

Kelly huffed and told Matt, "I've already told you, a little hint to were you've been going, would've been nice."

"Seriously? That's what's bothering you?"

"If you haven't noticed, I'm worried. But I guess you're too self-absorbed to recognize it."

Matt was a bit taken back by Kelly's dominant behavior. He didn't get why Severide was making such a fuss about it, "You could have called me. I had my phone with me the whole time. I didn't want to wake you, so I thought I'd go for a run. I knew you'd be up when I get back."

Kelly was angry at himself for not thinking about simply using his phone. Now he was standing here in this kitchen looking like a fool.

"Okay," he angrily stated then admitted sternly, "I guess I could've thought about calling you."

"Why didn't you?"

"Don't know." Kelly didn't want Casey to know how much he actually got distracted with worries he had concerning him. He was quite amazed by his overreaction himself.

Casey was about to leave the kitchen as he turned around, "Just out of curiosity," Matt asked, "What did you think what had happened?"

Kelly looked at Casey and contemplated his answer. He sighed and sat down at the table. "I don't know, man." The tension of not knowing what had happened to Matt was now wearing down. Of course, Kelly was glad that his pal was okay and obviously doing fine, but on the other hand, he felt hurt and entirely misunderstood by Casey's nonchalance regarding the event.

Matt frowned at him and occupied the chair in front of him. "Am I that much of a hopeless case, that you're actually that worried if I'm gone for like one hour?"

"Yes!" Kelly blurted out without thinking.

"What? Jees, thanks' a lot." Matt answered stunned.

"I mean, no! Of course not," Kelly tried to save it, "I don't know. After our talk yesterday."

"See! I knew it," Matt cried out, "That's the reason I don't talk about stuff." He threw his hands in the air, "That's exactly why talking never solves anything. It's doomed to produce more conflicts than that it helps."

"I may have overreacted," Kelly admitted meekly.

"You think?" Matt huffed. "Seriously, Kelly." He pointed with his index finger at Kelly, "That has to stop. Now!"

Kelly looked at Matt and just said, "Can you really blame me? I mean, last night you sat there, crushed and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And in the morning, you're gone. No note, nothing. Of course, I got worried. Everyone would've been."

"I didn't have a nervous breakdown," Matt tried to reason with Kelly. "I was tired and sad, okay? I was upset with my life, that's all. It happens."

Kelly frowned at Matthew, "And now you're Zen about it?"

Matt looked at Kelly and put on a smile, "I'm okay, now. We've talked. I got it out of my system, and now I'll move on. Everything's fine. Don't worry."

Kelly sighed, "So basically what you're saying is, that everything's the same. Nothing has changed?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying," Matt clarified. "I know I have to be more careful like you've told me. And I will. ... And I have to get in better shape. I tell you, this run ... it wore me down completely."

By that, Matt stood up and wanted to go and take that shower, as Kelly addressed him once more, "So, I guess you're not gonna get yourself some professional help? To deal with everything that's going on in your head." His voice sounded visibly annoyed but also had a hint of sadness and disappointment.

Matt stood still and held Kelly's gaze. After some time, he asked, "What do you want from me, Kelly?"

Severide huffed and shook his head to demonstrate his cluelessness, "I don't know. I thought I got thru to you yesterday. ... Guess I was wrong."

Matt still standing there didn't respond, but his eyes didn't dare to look at his friend. Kelly stood up as well and told him, "I guess I'll head home then. I have to get ready for shift tomorrow. ... And Stella has texted me that she's at Molly's. Doing the inventory or something else. You could join us there if you're up for it. If not, I guess I'll see you at 51 tomorrow. There's some more oatmeal on the stove."

"Thanks," Matt mumbled finally but didn't say anything else.

As Kelly went into his room to gather his things, Matt took a deep breath and went for the shower, he desperately needed right now.


	31. Chapter 31

_I am happy the last chapter wasn't too big of a bummer. I know I've taken a risk in bringing back a closed up Casey. But I think it's a learning curve for him to trust someone, even Kelly. So it would have felt weird for me to let him be open to getting some help, just after one real talk. So I put him back to the start. But don't worry he's not lost. But there's going to be another hurdle waiting for him, you'll see after reading the next Chapter._

 _And by the way, I envy every one of you, who's able to see the premiere of Season 7 today. I'll have to wait for it a bit longer "grrr" That's killing me!_

* * *

Chapter XXXI

Kelly was pissed, and he was feeling kind of lost. He was disappointed and thought about the last one and a half weeks he had spent with Matthew. "What a waste of time," he grumbled as he stepped into his car. He sat behind the wheel and looked at Casey's bathroom window, which was clocking up with fog. Then he started the engine and made his way home. He was looking forward to seeing Stella, yet he also felt a heavy heart leaving Casey alone. He knew that his friend put on a show about how he really felt. Of course, the conversation last night meant something. For both of them. The real vulnerability and the disturbed feelings Casey had displayed yesterday, were honest and a testimony to his troubled youth and his troubles he was facing now. To open up about his past for the very first time must have had an impact on him. Severide knew from his own experience that opening that box was terrifying and not easy to deal with. Suddenly he had the urge to turn around and to be with Casey when the full force of reality would hit him in all its clarity.

On the other hand, he had made it very clear that he wasn't interested in getting any more help, so why should he even bother? Casey was an adult, and he had his own way of dealing with things and feelings, and he had them internalized a long time ago. So, from Kelly's point of view, he finally had to admit that he wasn't the one who would put Casey back on the right track. As much as he would have liked to do it. So, he decided on going back home for the chance of actually having some fun after all this troublesome time these past few days.

Tomorrow he would see him at the firehouse. Maybe by then, his anger and the disappointment about the whole thing would have vanished, and he could start a new attempt at bonding with the stubborn Captain. For now, he would let it rest and enjoy a nice day with his gorgeous lady for once.

* * *

Matt was stepping out of the shower. He sighed as he looked at the empty space on the wall, caused by the missing mirror. Maybe he would go to the shop today and get a new one. There was no need in pushing it further away. Moreover, it made him feel uneasy to be reminded of last evening's events every time he would step into the bathroom. Perhaps he could get a new rug as well. The old one in the living room was filthy and gross since the vodka-incident. And of course, he didn't need a reminder of that particular moment of his life too.

It felt strange to be alone for a change. Kelly had been a constant throughout the last few days, and he had to admit that he kind of felt lonely now. He even began to wonder if he should show up at Molly's after the shopping was done. But he feared that the whole gang of 51 would be there too, and he wasn't really up for a grand reunion at the moment. It would be awkward enough tomorrow, he was sure, so he ditched the idea of going out tonight. He could head for the firehouse to do some catching up on the paperwork, he had missed during his absence. First watch was on today, which meant he wouldn't bump into anyone from his guys, which was tempting. But he reconsidered it since he was the Captain and now responsible for all of them in a kind of way. He didn't want to meet anyone from the whole firehouse, and more importantly, he didn't want to be seen by them.

Matt sat down on the table with some oatmeal Kelly had made for him. At first, he played more with it than he actually ate. He didn't feel hungry. This little banter with Severide this morning wasn't helping his appetite, and so he began to poke around in the sticky porridge. He already had taken his medication, and he tried once more to get some calories into him. Severide was a good cook, he had to give him credit for that. Even something boring like oatmeal had a sweet flavor if it was prepared by him. He managed to force himself to eat half of the bowl before giving up and cleaning the dishes.

His stomach felt too full, and tiredness began to overwhelm him. So, he went into the living room and laid down on the sofa to rest a little. He could make the shopping later he thought to himself. The workout in the morning made his legs feel heavy, and his whole body ached. He wondered how he would survive a 24-hour shift tomorrow. But maybe he got lucky, and it would be a lazy day, and they wouldn't have to go on as many calls as expected. It happened occasionally, and he hoped it would be one of those days.

Soon the exhaustion got the better of him, and he drifted off into a slight slumber.

Darkness surrounded him as he seemed to wake up only seconds later. Suddenly he smelled something familiar. It was a sharp scent which irritated his windpipe and his eyes. He tried to open them, but tears were starting to fill them while a burning sensation kicked in, and he had to shut them again to protect his sight. Matt felt a weird heat surrounding his whole body, and he wondered what was going on. He felt sleepy, and he mumbled, "Damn sleeping pills." As the heat increased slightly, he tried a new attempt of opening his eyes. He looked around and saw smoke coming out of his kitchen. 'What the hell,' he thought as he rubbed his face in a drowsy kind of way. Suddenly he heard a voice call out his name, "Casey!" Matt recognized Kelly's voice in a heartbeat. He didn't know what was going on, but he immediately stood up and shouted, "Severide? Where are you? What's going on?"

Panic consumed him as he ran to the kitchen. He couldn't see anyone. The whole room was filled with smoke, and he had to cover his eyes once more. Desperately he called out, "Kelly! Where are you! I can't see anything!"

"I told you to get help!" Kelly's voice echoed out of the darkness, "Now it's too late. I'm gone."

Casey took a squat position, as he had learned during firefighting training years ago. 'Always take cover,' he remembered.

"Severide, where are the others?"

"What do you mean? You're alone. That's what you wanted, isn't it?"

Matt was trembling with fear by now, but his professional composure kept him focused, "Lieutenant, stop playing mind games and tell me your location! We have to get out of here!"

"No. You have to! I'm already gone. Remember?" Kelly's voice sounded weak and far away. Casey wanted, no he had to find him. He tried every corner of the kitchen and under the table. But the room was getting too big for him to search thru it on his own. This wasn't his kitchen anymore. It was more like a Warehouse. It was huge and filled with smoke and flames were licking from every wall, trying to catch Matt. He was in his sweatpants, and the heat was getting unbearable for him. Suddenly he heard a knock. He froze and listened. Again, a knock. It was getting louder, but Casey couldn't locate any direction. He frantically turned around and tried to find something that would give him some hint of Kelly's whereabouts.

"Casey, it's me! Open up if you're home!" Matt recognized this voice. "Chief! Thank god! I've lost Severide. I can't see anything. Do you have a location from the others!" Casey shouted into the darkness.

"Casey? You there?" Boden's voice sounded irritated and impatient.

Suddenly Matt heard the knocking stronger as ever before. That wasn't right. Something was wrong about this whole scenario. 'What's the Chief doing here, and why doesn't he answer the request?'

With the next knock, Casey woke up. He panted heavily, and he started quickly to look around and to check his surroundings. He was lying on his sofa, and everything was silent. He sat up and tried to recover. He inhaled deeply and ruffled through his hair as he heard another knock. This time it was real. "Casey?"

"Damn," Matt mumbled. He got up and made his way to the front door, "I'm coming!" He tried to sound upbeat, and before he opened the door, he straightened his shirt and tried to comb his hair with his fingers. He put on a big smile as he opened the door and greeted his guest, "Chief! I didn't expect you here. What's going on?"

"I was in the area. Thought I drop by and see how you're doing." Matt could feel Boden's intense stare as he looked at him somewhat suspicious. Matt wondered how long his Boss had actually waited before he finally opened the door. He was well aware that the man in front of him had noticed the late reply and his disheveled appearance. To be honest, he wasn't thrilled about this unexpected visit, but he tried his best to hide it.

"That's," Matt paused a second too long, "nice of you! Come in. You want something to drink?"

Boden stepped inside and politely declined the offer. "No. I'm good. Thank you."

Both men were standing in front of each other, and both were contemplating their next step. Boden took Casey's disheveled look in. He could immediately see what Severide tried to tell him on the phone earlier that morning. His Captain looked kind of 'sickish,' as Kelly had put it. His shirt was slightly drenched with sweat, and his hair was damp and ruffled. His face was unshaven, and his sweatpants hung far too lose, for his liking. But his eyes were the worst. They looked tired and sported dark circles. Boden noticed a weird nervousness reflecting in them and he wondered what made Casey act strange and worked-up.

Matt began to feel even more uncomfortable and started to squirm slightly under the Chief's scrutiny. "Um, … Chief? What's going on? Something's wrong? Should I be worried?"

"No, no. Just stopping by." Boden smiled, "So, how have you been, Casey?" The Chief finally asked his subordinate.

"Good," Casey told him. "Actually good, ... really good. My shoulder's healing nicely and my ribs don't bother me at all, anymore. So, all in all ... really good."

Boden frowned at the rapidly delivered update and the overly pronounced use of the word 'good' but responded like he believed what he had heard, "That's 'good' then. Glad to hear it." Boden made a step forward as he said, "I wanted to talk to you about your return to duty."

Casey tried to look like he didn't mind at all. "Uhm, okay," and showed his Chief the way to his living room. "I'm just gonna get us something to drink. Why don't you wait here? I'll be right back."

"Okay. Thanks," Boden said while he stepped into the room. He never had been in Casey's home before. It looked neat and comfy. He wondered how much of Dawson's taste was showing in this room. He couldn't picture Matthew Casey creating such a cozy environment. He always imagined him living in a garage kind of place with work benches in the corner and halligans on the walls. But then again, he hadn't been to any of his previous homes so he could be wrong about that one.

He stepped forward in the direction of the sofa, as his eyes caught something on the table. Like Kelly last night he had the urge to look closer, and he picked up the pill-box but placed them right back on the table the moment he heard Casey entering the room again.

Matt was aware of Boden's discovery, and he closed his eyes for a second and muttered the word 'damn' for the second time in this last few minutes since he had woken up from his disturbing dream. But eventually, he recovered and explained casually, "Those are for my shoulder. Antibiotics." He took them and put them in a drawer of a little side-table, then he offered his Chief his drink he had fetched from the kitchen.

Boden took the glass from him and looked suspicious at Matt's bandaged hand, "I've been meaning to ask you about that." He had noticed Casey's new injury as soon as he had opened the door. But he waited until now to address it, "So, what happened?"

Casey shook his head slightly and said, "It was a stupid accident, really. It's nothing."

Boden stood firm in front of him, and with his deep voice he let Casey know, "I'll be the judge on that one."

"I've cut it. Doc stitched it up. He told me it wouldn't be a problem. I'll just have to wear my gloves and take care of the bandage for a few days."

Both men stared at each other. Matt could still feel the turmoil and angst from his nightmare rumbling around in him, but funny enough the Chief's presence helped him to channel these feelings down and to act like his professional self again.

Boden nodded and decided to let it slip, "Okay. That's good for me." He sat down on the big comfy chair next to the couch and placed his glass on the table. Matt relaxed a bit since Boden didn't seem interested in making his new injury into a big deal. He made his way over to the sofa and sat down as well.

"So, what is it you wanted to talk about?"

Boden looked Casey in the eyes and asked him, "You're good to come back tomorrow? No pain in your shoulder? Or apparently, in your hand, now? No weakness in your arm?"

Casey looked a bit irritated and rolled his eyes slightly annoyed, "I told you. I'm fine. Doc cleared me, one hundred percent."

But Boden wasn't going to peg away, "I'm asking if you're ready? I know what the doctor thinks. I wanna know if you think you're up to it?"

Matt bowed his head and sighed, "Chief. I know how it looks. I do." He straightened up and looked his boss in the eyes to have his full attention, "But I can reassure you I'm good as new. There aren't major aftereffects from the infection, and my arm was never an issue."

Boden squinted his eyes but finally said, "Okay, then! I guess there's no problem for me to welcome you back."

Casey nodded. He felt relieved and suddenly his own doubts about returning lessened. Chief Boden had that kind of power over him. As long as the Chief had faith in him, he was good.

"Thanks, Chief. I'm happy to be back."

"But I want you to be careful and especially honest with yourself and me. If there's any problem, you'll tell me right away, and we'll figure it out. Together."

Matt nodded and reassured, "Understood! Don't worry Chief! But there won't be any problems. I promise. I know I've lost some strength, but I'm getting there." Boden didn't look convinced, and so Matt tried to up his game, "Actually you caught me while I was doing some training. Squats and push-ups. That's why I'm all sweaty and worked-up," Matt lied but he had to explain his appearance somehow. He knew that he looked like he had run a marathon and he was aware that his Chief had noticed. "Sorry about that one. But I didn't expect company today."

Boden politely shook his head, "No problem. I'm sorry for interrupting. I'm glad to hear you're getting back in shape. But to be fair, I wasn't expecting you to have to. It was only a few days, not months."

Matt felt awful as he heard the disappointment in his Chief's voice. "I know. It looks bad. My doctor says it's these damn antibiotics. They cause weight loss and to top it my stomach didn't respond well to them. Doc says it's common."

Boden looked understandingly but sternly at his Captain and proposed, "I could put you on desk duty. After all, you're the Captain now. Plenty of responsibility inside the house. I could bring in a substitute for you on truck during your recovery. I've already had someone step in for Kidd, while she's on ambulance."

"What!?" Casey was shocked to hear the news. "There's a new guy on my truck? When did that happen?"

Boden had to smirk at Casey's little outburst. He could totally empathies with his Captain. It's crucial for leaders to know about their team and any changes concerning it.

"Don't worry it's only temporary. With you gone, and Kidd on ambulance-duty, me and Herrmann had no other chance than to find someone." Boden tried to sell the news as casual as possible, "And … technically, he's not new. … It's Jake Cordova." Boden revealed, to a perplexed looking Casey. He knew it would put another rift between him and his Captain, but he knew he had to tell him. In fact, it has been the reason to come and see him in the first place. He didn't want Matthew to be blindsided, and to find out about Cordova, first thing tomorrow when he was back on shift.

"The guy who slept with my wife? You're joking, right?" Matt was shocked and looked blankly at his Chief.

"I know it's not an ideal situation. But it's …."

"You think?" Matt interrupted his boss angry. He felt like the whole world was betting against him.

"He's a good fit, Casey. You said it yourself. And he knows the house, and he's a great firefighter. And it's not forever."

Matt thought about getting his veto in but eventually settled for merely complaining that he wasn't consulted. "You could have called me. I mean, it's still my truck, isn't it?"

Boden felt guilty about it, but he had a good explanation, "You were recovering. And Kelly told me you two would be at his dad's cabin. I didn't want to interrupt your time-off with some responsibilities about personal concerns."

Matt contemplated the situation for a moment, and in retrospective, he should be glad that the Chief hadn't contacted him while he was at bed rest with pneumonia.

"Yeah, well. It would've been nice to be notified," Matt sulked and sounded a little bit pissed.

Boden understood, "I get that. And I'm sorry about it. I didn't want to undermine your authority. Of course, truck 81 is still yours, and it will be yours as long as you can fulfill your obligations."

Matt nodded and accepted the Chief's apology. "So, does that mean I'm back in charge?" Casey thought he might as well asked, what was on his mind, the whole time he had been on sick leave.

Boden looked at him, and he sat up straight while inhaling a deep breath, "I think it's best if we stick to the arrangement as it is for now."

Matt felt crushed, "Chief, I can …," but Boden stopped him, "Casey, this is just temporary. Like I told you. I think your responsibility as a Captain is enough for you right now. Herrmann's getting better and more confident at being the Lieutenant, and I'd like to see him improve even a bit more."

Matt sighed as he leaned back, "Why do I have the impression I'm being punished?"

"I can reassure you, that that's not the case at all. I'm not some Leader that punishes his employees. You, of all people, should know that."

"Why me? Because I've messed up the most?" Casey stood up and looked provokingly at his Chief.

Boden stayed calm, "No. Because you and I are the same. We lead with respect and rational thinking. We analyze the situation, and we try to maintain a good-running work environment. We pick the right person for the right job, at the right time. Sometimes that means we have to rearrange the dynamics to get the job done as efficiently as possible."

"And at the time I'm not efficient? Is that's what you're saying? That I'm useless as a leader? Why don't you strip me of my Captain's rank and put me on kitchen duty?

"Now you're just ridiculous."

"Suits my life," Matt mumbled.

Boden sighed and looked at Casey, who was still standing angrily but didn't move. "Sit down! And listen to me."

Casey did as he was told and sat down, head looking sternly forward and his right leg wiggling up and down with rage.

"Matthew, I know what you're thinking. But I can reassure you I never thought of you as a useless leader, or person, if that matters. But I also know that you've been through a lot these past couples of months. You're a human being, like the rest of us, and of course, it affects you in some kind of way."

"Chief, I …," tried Matt. He wasn't sure what he was going to say, and it didn't matter anyway, because Boden wasn't going to let him talk, "I'm doing the talking, you're going to listen. Clear?" His voice wasn't stern or anything, but Casey sensed that he better had to follow the Chief's order.

"So, as I was saying. These past couple of months were rough on you. I know that. Hell, even the last weeks must have been a rollercoaster for you. You've been held at gunpoint twice, and actually even shot at. And I know our last official Meeting wasn't easy on you either. Me taking away your truck wasn't an easy decision. But I have to put my responsibilities as a Chief of the house first. You have a lot going on, and I think your head's not as focused as it should be at the moment, and that's totally understandable. No one is judging your ability as a firefighter or a leader."

Matt huffed, "Yeah, doesn't look like it from where I stand."

"I get that, but I can't change how you feel about it. I can only explain myself and my doing."

Matt didn't respond, and both men were quiet for a minute. Boden had a hard time finding the right words, which seemed odd to him because usually, these things were easy for him. He had the ability to get through to people and to reason with them if they were on a false route. That was what made him Battalion Chief in the first place. That, and his exceptional mean skills as a firefighter back in the days.

"I've told you this before, and I'm telling you now. This job, our job, requires clear and rational thinking. We have to put our personal affairs and problems away while we're on a call. And as a leader, we have to put them away as long as we're on shift. I know that there's always going to be some drama in the firehouse, I'm not delusional. But what I'm trying to tell you is, that the higher your rank, the higher the importance of putting away your own troubles. I know that's not easy, and I guess it isn't even fair, but it saves lives. And that's all that matters. You have to be not one hundred percent in the game, you have to be the game. You understand what I'm saying?"

Matt looked at his Chief and was actually impressed with his speech. He had a point, and it sounded reasonable, "I do understand what you're saying. And I'm telling you I am the game! ... I can be the game if I have to."

"No. Not right now. Not while you're still grieving and questioning yourself."

Matt looked baffled at his boss.

"I know a few things about breakups. I know exactly about the doubts and the long nights with brooding over everything that's been said and done."

Matt's head bowed down, and he took in a slight breath.

"Matt, I know exactly what you're going thru. It's brutal and devasting. But I can't let it affect your work. It's my job to protect your place in the CFD."

Casey again looked at his boss, "Chief, you don't have to protect anything. I can handle it."

"Maybe you can. But I'm not taking any risks here. 51 needs you, and you need 51. If I can't stop you from running into calls like there's no tomorrow for you, then so be it, but I won't be the one taking the blame if anything happens during my watch. I've lost enough men and women already."

"Nothing's gonna happen, Chief."

"Says my Captain who's returning from sick leave after being shot at during a call where he deliberately violated protocol and disobeyed orders."

"To save a civilian. It's funny how people always cut out that part of the story."

"I'm not here to argue about that day. I've made my point clear, already. But if you're acting like that, I'm sure about my decision I made that day."

Casey felt that he was on a loose end here. He wouldn't change Boden's mind, and he certainly wouldn't get his truck back soon. He had to face the consequences of his actions. The question was if he could step up and do it right, coming the next shifts. He was determined to do the right thing, but he didn't have a clue how to do it and how he could manage his new role on truck. He was scared he would keep on disappointing his Chief, his men and himself.

"So, I guess there's nothing for me to say. You've made it clear that I'm some kind of liability and I can't change it unless I'm back to prove you wrong."

The Chief looked at his employee, and with a strong voice, he stated, "I wouldn't expect anything less of you than to prove me wrong. I'd love to be wrong, and I'd love to see you earning that spot back on the Lieutenant seat. Believe me, I'm rooting for you. But first I want you to get through everything else. I didn't make that decision because you're a bad leader. I did it because you're having a rough time and you're hurt by that, and I want you to get better. Healing takes time, and if you're ready to focus on the job again, I'd be happy to bring you back as my Lieutenant on truck 81."

"Why is it that everyone thinks I'm broken and can't do my job? I'm not that desperate! Actually, I'm doing just fine, on my own." Matt tried to put on a show, but Boden wasn't going to be fooled.

"Casey, we've all been there. Losing someone close, whether by death or thru something else, it's never easy, and it affects us. Dawson was a very important person, not only to you. She left a big hole at 51. Brett's acting out, ever since. Herrmann and Otis also have a hard time processing. Of course, they have to find a replacement for her at Molly's too. …" Boden noticed as Casey's facial features became dark and sad at the same time, "But that's not what I was trying to say. The fact is, you've lost your partner and I guess your best friend. I'm on my third marriage, and I know what's a divorce like."

Now Casey's look shot up and met Boden's, who recognized his frown. "I had to call her, Matt," he clarified.

"You what?!" Casey straightened up and looked horrified at his Chief. "You had no right! Interfering in my personal life like that!"

"No. You're right. And I didn't! I called her about some unfinished personnel matters regarding her former position on ambulance 61. I never intended to ask her about her or your personal life. But she asked about you, and she kept on talking, and one thing had led to another. Eventually, she told me about it."

"And that's when you decided that I couldn't be trusted on truck."

"No. You're wrong. The call happened after our that shift."

"But it's the reason you're going to stick to the plan to cut me off my Lieutenant's rank. That's …," Matt couldn't find the right words to describe what was going on in his mind right now. He was furious. He was getting more upset then he had been in a long time. Not only with the Chief, but with Dawson as well. Gabby had no right sharing this with her old boss and more importantly with his current boss. What was she thinking, violating his privacy like that?

"Matthew, Dawson's just as confused and sad about this whole thing as you are."

Matt closed his eyes for a moment. The thought of Boden talking to his wife, while he wasn't capable of sending her a text, was gut-wrenching and an absolute horror for him.

"I'm sure she didn't want to cause you any more troubles. And I reassure you, your work-life never came up in the conversation. I know how to handle personnel affairs professionally. But to be honest, I'm glad she told me. Since I know you, I believe you wouldn't have told me. But it's good that I know. Now I can empathize and be more understanding. I went thru my own divorces, and I think if my Chiefs had known, some shifts back then would have been easier for me."

Casey's emotional state reflected in his body language and the Chief instantly regretted bringing the divorce up at all.

"Casey. I know this conversation is hard and I know that you're very upset right now. But we had to address the issue at some point, might as well do it, while we're alone and away from the firehouse."

'Oh god! The firehouse', Matt thought. Everyone would know about it, and everyone would treat him like broken glass. He never would get thru the next shift without ripping someone's head off. And with Cordova back at the station, the pressure would be upped a thousand times more.

He didn't hear the whole speech from Boden since his mind was too occupied with his own heavy thoughts. He was in a daze, and his emotion clouded his ability to focus on the actual conversation. So, he didn't say a word, until Boden's intense stare took him back into reality.

"So, what do you say, Casey?"

Matt panicked. What was the Chief talking about? He didn't have a clue.

"I …. I don't ….," Casey stammered before he admitted, "Chief, I don't know," followed by a deep sighed. "I really don't know."

"Don't worry. You can give me an answer later. It's understandable for you to need some time."

'Time for what?' Casey thought.

"But I do hope you take the offer," Boden smiled at him. Casey debated if he should tell him out blank that he hadn't listened to a single word that has been said in the last couple of minutes. But he stopped himself from being honest and just waited for the Chief to continue, "He's a great listener and very patient. I actually find myself confident enough to take his advice on some issues I have lined up. Dr. Charles is good at pointing out the major points and to guide someone in the right direction. And since he'd do it as a favor to me, we wouldn't have to report any of it."

Now Casey was getting an idea about what was going on here. Boden was trying to get him to talk to his shrink-buddy again. Matt suddenly feared that the two men had already talked about him. A certain paranoia began to wrap him up. God, maybe the Chief came by because this doc had said something to him. Why else would Boden bring up Dawson? Maybe Dr. Charles had told the Chief that he wasn't fit for duty. Everything in Matt's head began to spin while his thoughts were spinning into each other. For a moment he thought he had to yell at Boden 'to shut up' and 'to mind his own business,' but it was his Chief nonetheless, so he kept quiet. He wanted badly to be left alone. To be able to process all of what's been said or just to forget everything about it. To get a long hot shower and to crawl into bed until the next morning.

But he kept his cool and simply said, "I appreciate the offer, but I'll manage by myself. Thank you."

Boden got the hint and didn't push any further, "Okay. Just think about it and let me know. I can arrange a Meeting whenever you up to."

"I don't want to be rude, Chief, but I'd like to take a shower now. And I think we're done talking anyway. I'm back tomorrow as the Captain of 51, and I'll fulfill my duties as a member on truck 81."

"Sounds good to me. I'm glad we've had this talk, and I'm really glad you're back at the station. 51 wasn't the same without you and Severide there."

"Appreciate it. I guess you'll find your way out. I have to step into the shower. Have a nice day. And thanks for stopping by," Casey said politely even if he wanted to kick his boss out of his house, immediately.

"Of course. And you're welcome. We see each other tomorrow. Don't push yourself too hard with that training. You'll get there."

Matt simply nodded and wished he never would have opened the door in the first place. But now it was too late. This conversation had happened, and he knew that it would affect him in the long run. Just like he knew it was wrong to tell Severide about his mom and his doubts about his relationships. He had to get past that, and he had to do it on his own like he was used to, since his teenage years. Otherwise, people would believe he was weak and would treat him differently, and he didn't want that to happen.


	32. Chapter 32

_So I'm back! Sorry, but I was on a much-needed vacation, in which I got sick. Because that's obviously the way to spend your free time. *sigh* and I redecorated my kitchen. So that's good news for me and my non-existing cooking-skills ;-)_

 _But I don't want to bore you with that, so please enjoy the next chapter ..._

* * *

Chapter XXXII

Severide put his duffle bag in the corner of the room and yelled, „Stella?!"

Kidd came out of their bedroom and walked slowly and seductive towards him, "Uhum, who do we have here?" She was smiling at him, "if that isn't my missing boyfriend. I hope there are some flowers in that duffle bag to bribe me to not say anything about you leaving me for such an awfully long time."

Kelly smiled and put his arms around her, "I have something better than flowers," and he engulfed her in a passionate kiss. After that, she mumbled, "Okay. I take that too."

Severide looked her in the eyes and told her honestly, "I've missed you." She smiled back at him and whispered, "Sorry, but I'm afraid I need proof for that."

He lifted her up and carried her in the bedroom.

* * *

Casey was pacing thru his living room. After Boden went he had showered and tried to calm down, but half an hour of pacing did nothing for him, and he was still on edge, and his emotions were keeping him on high alert. His heart was racing with anger, and he had the urge to punch something. He wanted to call Dawson a million times. He even had written something to her on the phone but never pressed the send button. He just didn't know what he should or could say to her. For the first time since Gabby's departure, he not only sensed the geographical distance between them, but also the emotional one. And that feeling was perhaps even more painful than the fact that she was not here with him right now. He was shocked that she had spoken to Boden and he was upset that he couldn't muster himself to manage to communicate with her. For months he had not heard her voice, and it felt like a lifetime.

He knew if he would talk with her right now, while that anger he carried inside of him was seething on the surface, it clearly meant he would burn down bridges which maybe were still standing. He had even thought about buying a ticket and finally go to Puerto Rico. But what good could come out of it? She clearly didn't want to see him, otherwise, she would have texted or called him. But nothing. She only sent him the divorce papers and then talks about it to Chief Boden. Like that's the obvious thing to do. Why on earth would she do this? What had he done that she resented him that much?

He stopped in front of the wall where they had hung their wedding picture. He looked at it. She was wearing her paramedics uniform and he sported his firefighter jacket and held little Louie in his hands. He stared at her face. Her beautiful smile captured his eyes for a minute and for just a second his face lit up with something similar to happiness before his hand turned into a fist and he punched the spot directly next to the picture frame. His hand screamed in agony, but he didn't care. He wanted it to hurt. He wanted the physical pain instead of the emotional one because that pain was much worse, and he had no bandage to cover it up.

His breathing hitched, and he shook his hand to lessen the pain out of habit, then flexed his fingers in order to check if he had fractured anything. It hurt but he was able to move them and so he took in a deep breath. He knew this was messed up behavior, but he didn't care about that either. He was alone now, and no one was scolding him or rushing him to a hospital.

* * *

Severide and Kidd were lying in bed, tightly entangled into a hug. He was gently stroking her silky black hair.

"That was very, … very nice," she whispered.

"Yeah, I missed that too. I've missed you."

"I hope so," she said with a big smile and gave him a slight kiss on his Torso.

After some time just lying in proximity to each other, Stella asked, "So, how was fishing with Casey?"

Kelly knew that this question would come up and he already had prepared his answer, "It was good."

"So, he's doing good," Stella asked.

"He's getting there. It will take some time. But he's better."

"That's great, Kelly. I hope he knows that we're all behind him one hundred percent. I mean, don't get me wrong I love Dawson. We really hit it off when we met at the academy back then. And I think she's an amazingly strong woman. ... But I'm kind of disappointed that she left without saying anything."

Kelly sighed but didn't comment on his girlfriend's opinion.

"I think I'll have a word with her about that when she's back at 51. That's no way to leave your family," she honestly sounded disappointed and Kelly wondered how many people he had to console because of that woman's self-centered actions.

"I mean, what did actually happen between Casey and Dawson that she left in such a hurry? It can't be because Chief Hacher asked her to go. Something must have happened. Did Casey say something to you?"

Kelly thought about what Kidd was saying, and he had to admit she had a point. He never actually asked Casey why Gabby had left, and he was sure Matt never revealed any special reason. He always just pointed out that he should have stepped down, that he messed up or he simply stated the obvious that she didn't love him anymore. To be honest, Kelly had no idea what had happened between them, "No. He never said anything to me." And he had to wonder, "I actually don't know why she left him." He started to contemplate if he should tell her what he did know. At least a little something of the whole disaster. And finally, he decided to drop the bomb, "I do know, that it's permanent on her part."

"What?" Stella sat up in bed and looked shocked at Severide, "How …? Kelly? ... What are you saying?"

"Dawson's not coming back."

"That's impossible! She and Casey are married. They love each other, they're meant to be together."

Kelly just shrugged. "All I know is, that she took a permanent position in Puerto Rico and that she's not coming back to 51, or Chicago, for all that matters. She left him, apparently for good this time."

"Oh my god! Kelly! That's …," Stella seemed to struggle with the news as much as Kelly had when Boden had told him at the hospital.

"I know. I was just as surprised as you are now. But that's what Boden told me."

"I can't believe this. No wonder Casey's acting out," Stella began to muse, "It must …. I can't imagine how much pain he's in right now. Poor guy. He loves her so much."

"He'll get over her. It will take time, but he'll get there," Severide tried to reassure her and he gave her a long and passionate kiss. Then he whispered in her ear, "and he'll be just as lucky as I am now."

Kelly wanted it to be true, he wanted badly to believe in his own words.

* * *

Casey sat in his living room. The pain in his hand was finally subsiding. He looked around the room. He hated it. The house, this apartment, this room, this life. He wanted to leave too, and to left it all behind him. Dawson, leaving him the first time because she needed to be a Candidate more than she needed him. Katja's death in that very same kitchen. Dawson, coming back to him and starting a Family with Louie, just to lose him after all. He had to leave this room, this house. So, he stood up and left. He didn't know where he was heading, and it didn't matter, as long as it wasn't this place with all its bad memories he desperately tried to forget or at least wished he could overcome.

He wandered around the neighborhood, alone and without any special destination. He thought about going into the next bar to get wasted, but he knew he wouldn't do that. Matt was afraid Will had been right and that he would turn to alcohol as soon as he had the opportunity, and of course, he wanted to prove him wrong. So, being his stubborn-self, actually had his perks.

He could go to Molly's and get it over with. All from 51 would be there and he wouldn't have to face another night of lying awake and wondering what they're all gonna say about him after he'd show up. After all, he was in the neighborhood of their favorite bar, he could stop by for just one beer and do a little small talk. He was capable of that. He could do it, simply show up and act like nothing ever had happened.

For a second a strange thought popped up in his head. Maybe it would be nice. He liked his co-workers. He didn't have a real family while growing up. He learned to be on his own, but did that mean he had to?

* * *

Kelly sat at the bar nursing his beer, Otis had served him. He went with Stella to Molly's a couple of hours ago. It was just him, Otis, Herrmann and Stella. They had closed tonight because of their annual inventory. Christopher was counting bottles of high proof liquor, and Stella was in charge of the tableware, while Otis took care of the financial documents piled up in cartons under the sink. It looked chaotic and in no way professional, but it seemed to work miraculously smooth.

"So, uhm, Lieutenant, how is our Captain doing?" Herrmann was placing the bottles back on the shelves. He tried to sound casual and not nosy.

"Good. He's back tomorrow."

"That's great! We've missed him."

Kelly nodded at the older firefighter, who carried on with his interrogation, „How was the fishing trip? Chief told us about you two heading to Benny's old cabin in the woods."

"Good. Fish were biting, and the weather was nice."

"Really? I've heard from my cousin Andrej, who lives in the area, that there was a big storm with heavy rain and thunder strikes," Otis cut into the conversation. "You weren't affected by it," he asked?

Kelly was annoyed by that, "You Russians, are everywhere, aren't you?"

"Hey, proud to be born and raised in Chicago. Russian's just the gene-pool. And apparently, we're good at replicating." Otis smirked and asked again, "So, did you get hit by that storm? Andrej said it had been like the Flood. And when a Russian Orthodox is referring to 'the Flood,' he's not joking around. That's for sure."

Now Stella joined in as well, „Oh, is that why you've had to change the window?"

Kelly took his chance and nodded, "Yep, a gust hit it, and it cracked. Had to swap it."

"Casey's hand good," she wanted to know.

"Stitched and bandaged. Shouldn't bother him that much."

Otis frowned, "Casey got hurt? Wasn't he already on sick-leave. That's more than bad luck."

"He's fine," Kelly deadpanned. He was getting annoyed by the topic and wanted to change the subject, "So, anything new at 51?"

"Same old routine. A couple of grease fires and a big car pile-up on Randolph street," Herrmann said.

"Sounds uneventful," Kelly stated.

"Actually, one of the grease fires turned into an explosive event after the owner thought he could extinguish it with some pasta water," Otis said with amusement. "The idiot even had a brand-new extinguisher in his closet. But he claimed it was too expensive to use it on such 'little' flame. I guess the eyebrow hair transplant will cost him more than that."

"I don't know Otis, guess he'll buy a marker and paint them from now on," Herrmann chuckled.

"You're probably right. Why people still don't get it that you can't put a grease fire out with water is a mystery to me. Cordova said he had three of them in a row last month. Isn't that just crazy?"

"Maybe Herrmann should get out his little demo-house and teach them a lesson," Stella joked. Christopher threw a cloth at her, "You can do that yourself, I'm done telling idiots how it's done. I lost all faith in human intellect a long time ago."

"Oh no, poor Lieutenant," Stella and Otis said at the same time, and everyone laughed.

Severide was intrigued by one thing Otis had said, "Why was a second truck on scene? Sounds like a big deal."

Herrmann answered, "There wasn't. Just 81."

"But Otis mentioned Cordova," Kelly asked stunned.

"Oh, yeah, that's right. You can't know. Jake Cordova is my replacement on truck, while I'm rolling with Brett."

"What? Didn't he leave 51 because of all the trouble he caused when he was on the team last time?"

Herrmann cleared his throat and admitted, "That's in the past. And the situation has changed. He's actually a really nice dude, and on top, he's a damn good firefighter."

Otis himself had to agree, "He's actually a good fit, and he brings testosterone back in the truck."

"Oho, is that so, Otis? You're in need of more testosterone. Why don't you grow balls and have some?"

"Enough, you two! Or I'll have you clean the floor right now."

"You're not my Lieutenant while I'm on ambulance! Sorry, Herrmann! Can't make me do anything," Stella chirped.

"I'm like twice your age. And I earn more of that bar than you do. So technically I'm your boss. So, bite me, girl!"

Stella raised her arms in the air and whispered, "Wow, slow down, old man, before you give yourself a heart attack."

Kelly listened only half-hearted the ongoing little banter between the others. He was musing over this whole Cordova deal. He wasn't so sure about him being in the firehouse would be such a good thing for Casey. Herrmann picked up on the Squad-Lieutenants silence, "Hey, what's up? Something bothering you?"

"Uhm, no. It's nothing."

"You're worried about Casey?"

"No. Why should I? I told you already. He's fine."

"Listen, I don't wanna judge or refute your assumption on Casey, but I thought about it too. And I'm worried about his reaction when he sees Cordova at the firehouse."

Kelly nodded at first but eventually, he said, "It's gonna be fine. From what I know, he actually approved him at the end. He put him first, on the list for possible future candidates for 51."

Herrmann looked worried at Severide, "I know. Doesn't mean he'll be cool about it now. You see … Things are different now."

"He's fine. You'll see."

"I hope you're right, Lieutenant."

Kelly made a long sip from his beer and prayed that he wasn't wrong and that Casey would accept the new arrangements. He knew his friend didn't need any more curveballs thrown at him at the moment.

* * *

Matt stood outside of Molly's bar. He read the sign on the door: Today closed. Please come back tomorrow.

Lights were on, and he recognized Herrmann, Otis, and Stella through the window. Severide was sitting at the bar, holding a beer bottle. He actually was glad that the bar was closed. It meant, he wouldn't have to face everyone from 51 just yet.

He almost put his hand on the door knop, but he backed away. It was silly, and he sighed. Why couldn't he just step inside? He looked at the old wooden entry and laid his hand softly against its prominent, beautiful molding. He remembered the time when he helped Dawson pick out the perfect door for this new investment.

Times back then were different, complicated but exciting. He loved her back then, and he loved her now, but as the time changed his love had changed too. First, there was this feeling of excitement, of desire and natural chemistry. Later it was pure dedication and respect. She always was a special person for him, right from the first time they've met each other. He knew he had feelings for her from the start. She became a great friend and listener. She was his conscious, more than just once. Her opinion always played into his actions. Her point of view was important, even at times when he was engaged to Hallie. Suddenly he felt a pang in his guts. An old well-known feeling of guilt erupted in him. Hallie was a great girl and a beautiful human being. Very lenient and patient with him and his antics. She was a strong and independent woman but compared with Gabby she had been a soft breeze, while Dawson was the storm.

He had loved her dearly, and he still missed her. And if she wouldn't have been murdered, maybe they would be married now and had a bunch of children running around.

There was this possibility, he and Dawson together would have never happened. They would still be friends, and perhaps that would have been the better alternative.

Standing here in the dark touching this old wood-framed door, Casey recognized that he didn't just lose the love of his life, he actually was grieving the loss of a great friend.

And friendship didn't come easy for Casey. He struggled his whole life with getting close to someone. Sometimes he believed he was intentionally screwing up intimacy just to be spared the effort of keeping close. How should people understand his mind, his constantly changing emotions when he didn't understand them himself most of the time.

Suddenly an odd tiredness overcame him, and he bowed his head, tucked his hands into his jacket-pockets and turned around to leave. It took him almost over one and a half hour until he finally reached his home. The fresh air and being outside for so long made him still shiver as he finally laid down on his sofa and covered himself with the wool blanket. The events of that day, the morning run, which had been far too long for a first workout, Kelly's strange behavior towards him and the terrible nightmare of him afterward combined with the surprise visit from Boden, followed with hours of wandering around through the streets of Chicago claimed their price. Casey felt more than tired, and he didn't even think of taking one of the sleeping pills. In a matter of seconds his eyes shut down, and he fell asleep.

* * *

Kidd and Severide went home late. Stella could sense Kelly's inner tension. As he looked at his phone-screen the fifth time in a row, she asked," Why don't you just call him?"

"He's not gonna pick up."

"You don't know that. Maybe you'd be surprised."

Kelly mustered a little smile which actually looked more like a frown.

"Did something happen," Stella asked cautiously.

Severide put the phone down on his nightstand and climbed into his bed, next to his girlfriend. He sighed, but shook his head, "No. It's nothing."

"You can talk to me. You do know that. Right?"

Kelly looked her in the eyes and this time his smile was honest. He snuggled closer to her and rested his head next to hers, "I know, thanks. But there's nothing to tell."

"You're sure? You seem distracted the whole day. And I have this feeling that you're not telling me the whole story about that cabin-trip."

Severide closed his eyes for a moment and took in a big breath.

"Maybe I can help," Kidd tried once again to get him to talk about what was bothering him.

"I wish it would be easier on Casey. That's all."

"So, he's not that good," she asked but didn't wait for any confirmation, "Figures. So, how bad is it?"

"Bad." Kelly's answer was short but on point and it worried Stella, "Okay. So, why didn't you say something?"

Severide wasn't sure if he should be talking about what had happened. After all this time he had managed to keep it a secret. But being with Stella together in one room was different than talking on the phone. Her mere presence made him feel safe, and he wanted to speak to her about this ordeal he did go through with Matthew.

Kidd sensed his hesitation, "So, you wanna talk about it? I promise I won't say anything to anybody when that's what you're worried about. I can keep a secret. I swear."

Kelly sighed, "No that's not it. I don't know. It's complicated."

"How so?"

"Casey had a rough couple of days. And I mean rough as in extremely rough."

Stella sighed, "I can imagine. He's probably not his self, right now. Breakups are always hard. And a divorce is so much worse. I can totally relate to that."

Kelly stiffened and said, "I never said anything about a divorce."

"No. You didn't. But I figure there's going to be one. Isn't there? I mean, you've said she'd left him for good."

Kelly didn't deny nor confirmed it. He just closed his eyes and said, "I just wish it wouldn't be so hard on Matt. He's been through a lot this last couple of years. Losing the baby, then Louie."

"It's a lot," Stella stated, "but he'll get over it. I mean look at me! I've got divorced. It was messy and heart-breaking. But I moved on."

"Yeah! After your ex almost stabbed us both," Kelly huffed.

"Hey! I said messy," Stella defended herself. "But I doubt Dawson will come back and stab any of us."

"No. Not Dawson. But Casey? I am not so sure. Chances for blood-drawing are higher now, with Cordova back in the picture," Kelly mused.

"Oh, come on! Casey's not gonna be mad at him because they dated years back. He didn't seem to have a problem the first time he was around. Herrmann was the one with the adjustment problem back then."

"I hope you're right. He can't afford any new quarrels with the Chief."

Stella soothingly stroke his hand while saying what was on her mind, "Boden's not gonna hold it against him. He's capable of understanding his situation. He even has mercy on Brett and her antics."

Kelly took her hand and kissed it slightly, "Hope you're right."

"I am. You don't know this yet, but I'm always right," she chuckled.

"Oh, is that so?" And he started to tickle her, which resulted in a laughing fit from her. Kelly began to tease her more, and the wrestling turned into a tight hug, followed by a passionate kiss.

Severide sighed, "I guess we should go to sleep now. It's late, and I'm not used to early mornings."

"I love you, Kelly Severide," Stella whispered.

"I love you too, Stella Kidd."


	33. Chapter 33

_I am back. I know it was a long time and I wish I could make the promise that the next few chapters will be faster, but_ unfortunately _, I can not._

 _Nevertheless, I hope that some of you are still happy about this update. I have not forgotten this story and I'm determined to bring it to an end._

* * *

Chapter XXXIII

Severide and Kidd arrived at the station early. Kelly let his eyes wander to the spot were Matt usually parked his truck. It was empty, so Kelly sighed without even noticing it. Stella glanced at him and tried to lighten the mood, "Don't worry. We're too early. He's gonna show up."

"I know. I just wanted to see him before he gets inside."

"Then let's change and wait outside," Stella suggested.

Kelly looked at her and nodded. He didn't know what he was going to say to Casey, but he knew he wanted to be there for him while facing the house for the first time since his medical leave. And after yesterday's morning had been anything but peacefully between the two of them, the idea of having to be a good friend increased.

"Hey! Lieutenant! You're back! That's great. We've missed you," Joe Cruz greeted his fellow firefighter in the locker room. "Otis told me, our Captain's going to be back too. That's true?"

Kelly nodded, "Yes, Casey's probably on his way over right now."

"Perfect! 51 wasn't the same without you two," Cruz told him with a smile on his face, which faded when he asked on "Uhm, and, … I mean, how's Casey doing? His shoulder good now?"

"According to the docs over at Med, everything's fine. It's gonna take some time before he's back one hundred percent, but it's looking good. Don't worry about it." Kelly deadpanned his usual answer when asked about Casey's condition.

Joe frowned, but nodded, "Okay. That's good to hear."

Mouch was entering and immediately jumped in on the conversation, "What's that my ears are hearing! Casey's coming back?! I was wondering if the two of you got lost in the woods or something. It's been a long time."

"No, we're good and in one piece. Thanks for the concern, though. We'll see each other in the briefing room." Kelly was eager to get away from them. He knew they meant well, but this constant nosy questioning about Casey's wellbeing was wearing him down. And the fact that he knew a lot more than he could let show made it even more difficult for him to answer those questions.

"Yeah. And Welcome back, Lieutenant!"

Severide nodded at them and made his way to the apparatus floor. He was nervous but couldn't really pinpoint why he felt that way. Maybe the last few weeks, and especially the time with Casey alone, made him aware of how much had happened and how much of an impact it had on him. He felt sorry for his friend because he knew that his own nervousness had to be nothing compared to Matt's. He knew this day wouldn't be exactly easy for the former truck Lieutenant and suddenly he wondered if Casey actually would show up, or if he would chicken out. He contemplated with himself if he should talk to the Chief to let him know he would be waiting outside the house for Casey to arrive instead of attending the meeting, but he was afraid he would actually miss Matt's arrival. So, he decided against it and hoped his boss would understand.

* * *

In the meantime, the gossip-mill inside the house was blooming.

"So, Casey's supposed to be back," Mouch told Herrmann as he saw him entering the kitchen. Almost everyone from 51 was gathered around drinking their morning coffees and chatting along about the newest event.

"Is he in yet," the firefighter wanted to know?

Everyone was looking at each other, "No. I don't think so," Otis finally said. "Didn't see him either," Mouch stated. Cruz, Kidd, and Brett just shrugged. Cordova, who stood by the coffee- machine turned around and joined the Conversation, "Maybe he's stuck in traffic."

"Whatever it is, I'll take the opportunity. Guys," Herrmann addressed his people, "I want you to act as casual as possible around him." He looked sternly at them, "That means! No interrogations about how he's doing. And no one has to mention Dawson. We'll give him some space and try to make his first day as normal and stress-free as possible. Got it? Just let him know he's welcome and that we have his back."

Everyone was nodding eagerly in order to let their Lieutenant know that they understand.

"Mouch, I want you to cover Casey on calls," Herrmann addressed him and gave instructions, "Stay close to him but don't overcrowd him. And if you get any bad feelings at all, you'll report to me, right away!"

He raised his mug and winked at him, "Copy that, Lieutenant. Don't worry. I've got this. No questions, no mentioning of Dawson and stay close but not too close."

"That's my …," he looked at the older firefighter and sighed, "… Mouch!"

Herrmann secretly wished he had Kidd on his team for that task, but since she was with Brett on ambulance-duty, he opted for the next best person in line.

Cordova leaned in on Otis and whispered, "What's that all about? I thought Casey's the Captain? Herrmann's just the interim Lieutenant, isn't he?"

Otis sighed and whispered back, "Casey's the Captain, but he's not acting command on truck these days. It's complicated. You don't have to worry about it."

Cordova frowned and wasn't convinced at all, "Sorry, but I guess I should. After all, Casey's my Captain. When he's not fit for duty, …" Jake wanted to elaborate his concerns, but his Lieutenant cut him off, "Is something not clear? Something you wanna share?"

"No, Lieutenant. All clear. I was just wondering why the Captain's not in charge of the truck. Last time I was here, he was acting command on truck 81."

"Yeah, well. And now I'm your Lieutenant. Got a problem with that?"

"No. Not at all, like I said, … just wondering. ... Chain of command, and all. How's that gonna play out?"

"There's nothing you have to worry about. Chief Boden, Captain Casey, and I will take all the responsibility to manage that."

Cordova looked apologetic at his boss and nodded, "Got it, Lieutenant. Just weird, having a Captain back in the truck. Whose orders am I obliged to obey on a call? Captain's orders or yours?"

"Mine, until further notice!" Herrmann's voice was clear and left no room for questions, although he did ask, "Anyone else has a question?"

Everyone was looking around than shaking their heads, "No, everything's clear, Lieutenant."

Herrmann said his thanks and withdrew into the bunk area. He needed to be alone before the shift started. He was worried about Casey's return but didn't want to let the others know. Mouch's eyes followed his old friend, and he sighed. He knew exactly what Herrmann was worried about. His bad feelings even increased as he heard the team picking up the topic again.

"I hate to say this, but Cordova does have a point," Otis whispered to Kidd who sat next to him. "Oh, shut up Otis!"

"No, listen, Kidd. I thought about it myself. Casey's still Captain on scene. He outranks Herrmann by all means."

"Yeah, but that's just politics. You know why Boden called it. And the Chief outranks Casey. So, he doesn't have a vote anyway. It's just temporary," she told him and added, "Stay cool, do your job, and stay out of it. I'm telling you! Don't mess with Boden's arrangement. He knows what he's doing."

Otis threw his hands in the air, "All I'm saying is, that Cordova has a point. Chain of command exists, and we have to respect that."

"Wow! I 've never been so glad to be on Squad like today," Cruz chuckled.

"Oh, thanks' a lot, brother," Otis huffed, "You're really a great help."

Cruz clapped him on the back in a friendly manner and told him, "Hey, you'll be fine. Like Kidd says, it's just politics. Boden's gonna step in if things get hairy and he'll back up Herrmann, if necessary. It's just so that they can protect Casey from doing something stupid again. Like, letting himself get shot at during a call."

"I doubt that politics is capable of preventing something like that happening … because politics never solves anything," Brian huffed.

"Have a little faith in the system and more importantly in your Chief, Otis."

Otis flinched as he heard the strong voice from Boden behind his back. He turned around and smirked at him, "Chief! Sorry, didn't see you coming."

"I know. I hope everything's fine," he asked, but it sounded nothing like a question.

"Yeah, Chief. Of course, everything's fine. Don't worry. It's gonna be a great shift."

"Glad to hear that, Otis." Then he addressed every other member of the house, "I'll expect every one of you in the briefing room in five minutes."

* * *

Kelly was still standing outside the firehouse waiting for Casey to arrive. He hoped Casey would show up soon. The chief wouldn't be happy upon a late arrival, and Severide had complete sympathy for that matter. A captain should be on time and lead by example.

As he nervously glanced at his watch again, he suddenly heard Matt's voice, "waiting for someone?"

"You're fifteen minutes late," Kelly said while looking at a sweaty and panting Casey. He frowned at him and asked "You're never late. And what the hell happened to you?"

Casey caught his breath and tried to dry off his wet forehead with his sleeve. "Shouldn't you be at the morning briefing," he asked Kelly, with a slight frown on his face.

"I should. Like yourself," the Squad-Lieutenant huffed, "so, what took you so long?"

"Car trouble. Guess my truck needs a new battery. Had to run here."

Kelly looked baffled at Matt as he asked, "You've run all the way?"

"Hence the fifteen minutes delay," Matt panted.

"You could've called me. I'd have picked you up."

"It's fine," Matt told him while they entered the locker room, "It would have been a detour for you."

"So, what? I wouldn't have minded." Kelly shook his head in disbelief over Casey's stubbornness.

"You would have been late too," Matt stated while he put his bag in his locker and started to change into his work clothes.

"You don't know that. And, I'm late for the briefing anyhow now, aren't I?" Kelly's tone was short, and Matt sensed that his friend was getting a little upset about the whole thing.

"Hey, I didn't tell you to wait outside and therefore miss the briefing. That's totally on you," Casey tried to defend himself.

"I just don't get it why you wouldn't call. I mean that's the obvious thing to do when your car breaks down. You call someone for help, instead of running half across Chicago."

Matt shook his head in wonder, "It isn't half across Chicago." He slammed the door from his locker shut and turned around to face Severide, "I mean man come on, it's three, maybe four blocks. It's no big deal. I've been running much longer distances. And just for the record, some of them with you right behind me, remember?"

"Pretty sure I was ahead of you. But yea, I remember." Both firemen were now strolling into the kitchen. "What are we doing? We're supposed to be at the briefing," Kelly said.

"I need my coffee first. Is that alright with you, Lieutenant?" To be honest, Matt wanted to miss as much as possible from the morning briefing. It was hard for him to cope with whatever Boden had mentioned yesterday, and for some reason, he assumed it would be uncomfortable to stand in the room while every member of 51 was present. It was not that he thought Boden would mention Dawson and the divorce, but let's be fair, he never had guessed that Dawson would talk to anyone but him about their situation. And yet she had done it, and he felt betrayed, and he worried about what the house knew, and he had the impression that he had missed the opportunity to be prepared for it. So, he tried to hide by stealing time.

"Anyway, we're definitely too late," Kelly sighed as they walked towards the meeting room.

"You're late," Matt grinned. "I called in this morning to let Boden know that I'm running late because of my damn car. Technically, I'm on time. You, my dear friend, are late. "

"You what?" Kelly tucked at Casey's arm to stop him from entering the briefing room. He grumbled, "Why didn't you tell me? "

"Why should I? You're not my boss, and last time I checked, you're not my keeper either."

"No! But you're an ass, you know that, right?" Kelly whispered to Matt as they slipped into the meeting room.

Boden talked about the upcoming personnel changes in the CFD headquarters. The new reign of Fire Department Commissioner Grissom was in place, and it seemed as if there were almost daily changes. In some houses, tensions were higher than ever before, and Boden heard knew complaints and problems of other FD Chiefs every day. But after everything his house and his crew had been put through the last few years, he wasn't as worried as the rest of the CFD.

Boden did not stop his speech, but he glanced at his two leaders and subtly nodded to each of them to let them know that they were welcome and appreciated.

"So, as I said, it is even more important and crucial than ever to abide by the rules of the CFD, we will tackle and master all of the upcoming hurdles of the Grissom era as a unit. 51 is a community and will be as long as we stick together and trust each other, nothing will change here for us, I'm sure, so do not worry … and pay attention to each other and help where help is needed. "

"We hear you, Chief," Herrmann spoke for himself and each one of them in the room.

"Thank you, Lieutenant," Boden nodded proudly at him. He took in a deep breath and began to address another issue he wanted to discuss, "As you're all aware of, our team wasn't whole for the last couple of shifts, but Captain Casey and Lieutenant Severide are returning today, and we all want to welcome them back. And we're gonna make sure that they'll have a good first day."

"Copy that, Chief," everyone mumbled. Most of them hadn't noticed the two of them joining the group, so almost everyone turned around and were now looking at them standing in the back of the room. Casey immediately felt like he was being trapped in a goldfish bowl and he began to feel more than uncomfortable by being watched by everybody. Severide noticed Casey tensing up next to him, and he could almost feel his friend's nervousness as his body began to fidget slightly. So, Kelly tried to get the attention, and after clearing his throat, he addressed the room, "Thank you, guys! And thank you, Chief! We're happy to be back."

Casey just slightly raised his cup and nodded at the group of people.

"Okay, then let's get to work and hopefully it's going to be a good shift." And with that, the Chief closed the morning briefing, and everyone got up and went into the kitchen. But before they did so they nodded to Casey and Severide, or some of them gave them a handshake or patted them lightly on the shoulder. But everyone tried to set a gesture to greet them.

Back in the common-room, Herrmann stood in front of Casey and said, "Welcome back, Captain, we've missed you."

"Thank you, Herrmann, it's good to be back."

"You look good," the older firefighter said, even if he knew that wasn't the case. Actually, he was shocked over the appearance of his friend and long-time co-worker. And given the fact that he wasn't what you would call a Broadway actor, he couldn't hide it very well. Neither could do the others. Casey literally could see their eyes hovering over his drained body and he knew everyone was thinking 'What the hell had happened to him?'

An awkward pause followed, and Severide tried to save the moment by joking, "I don't know, Herrmann. I told him he couldn't pull off the badass 'walking-dead' zombie look. But he wouldn't listen! As always. Right, buddy?"

Casey frowned at first, shocked that Kelly actually brought up his poor appearance, but when he realized that the elephant in the room had been addressed, he finally started to smile and looked at Herrmann and the others. "Don't worry Severide. Next week, same time, I'm gonna kick your ass doing some drills out there. Mark my words."

"Oh-oh, do I sense a competition here," Mouch asked turning around from his spot on the Couch?

"No, you don't. Casey's never been a competition to me," Severide smiled.

"Hear, hear! I guess fishing together was fun," Mouch stated sarcastically. Everyone smiled, and Casey finally managed to relax a bit. Severide's blunt distraction had worked, and he was glad over it. The familiar old routine kicked in, and he thought he could manage to be back.

Cordova, who was lingering in the back this whole time, now made his way over to him and put out his hand to give him a hand-shake. Casey tensed up but took his hand and nodded. "Welcome back, Captain Casey," the new firefighter said and added, "I'm sorry to hear about your injury. Hope it's good now. I've never been shot at, but I guess it's not pleasant."

Casey nodded again, "No it's definitely not. And I can't recommend it. But thanks for asking, it's all good now."

"Glad to hear it, Captain. And I hope, you're okay with me being back here in the house. I'm looking forward to working with you again."

"Welcome at Firehouse 51," Casey told him, "It's the damn best house in the CFD. You're lucky."

"I've recognized it the last time I was here." Cordova looked Casey straight in the eyes and admitted, "But I guess it wasn't the right time for me back then."

Casey knew that Cordova referred to the fact that Gabby being at the house at that time was the reason he couldn't stick around, and now that she was gone tables had been turned and he felt able to stay and appreciate the comradery.

To be honest, Casey admired his decision to leave the house when he did. It was a courageous and mature behavior on Cordova's part. He could have stayed and could have caused a lot of tension between all of them, but he took his chance and stepped up and left before it would get awkward.

He remembered the time when Cordova showed up at his home and told him that it was better for him to leave 51. He also recalled the relief he had felt that day. He knew that this guy still had the hots for Gabby and even if he was a self-conscious man regarding the love of his wife, he also was glad to not have that kind of competition inside the team and the firehouse.

Who would have guessed that in the end, it would be Casey and Cordova left at 51 and with Gabby out of the picture? Life sometimes could change in the most absurd and strange ways.

Matthew was lost in his thoughts as Cordova's voice interrupted his musing, "so, I hope you could pass my greetings on to Gabby. I hope she'll come back soon and please, let her know there are no hard feelings of any kind on my part. So, she shouldn't feel like she can't come back to this house after her service in Puerto Rico." Casey looked baffled at the other man but nodded none the less. "And I hope that's in your interest as well. I don't want to cause any trouble here, Captain."

Matt nodded again, "Yeah, no. Of course. Thanks." Then he put down his coffee mug on the kitchen counter and said, "If you excuse me now. I have tons of paperwork lined up." And with that, he left for his office. To say he was confused didn't quite fit the situation, he was actually shocked that apparently, no one had told Cordova that Gabby not only had left 51 but had left him.


	34. Chapter 34

_I know it's been a while. And to be honest, there are no real excuses for the lack of updates. But I hope I can finish the story someday. I feel like I owe it to all of you who are still interested_.

* * *

Severide was about to check on Casey when Cruz swiped by and told him that the Chief wanted to see him in his office.

Severide sighed and made his way over to the bullpen.

"Chief, I'm sorry for being late this morning, but I was," Kelly started while he walked into the Chief's office.

Boden looked questioningly but shook his head and motioned for Severide to stop talking, "Close the door."

Severide now got curious. He thought he was sure his boss just wanted to remind him of the obvious, that punctuality was an important feature for a leader. And since he had been late for the briefing this morning, he had already expected a conversation. Boden was a kind and understanding boss, but he did not tolerate sloppiness on his watch, even if it was a small offense against the rules.

"I know why you were late, and I appreciate you're looking out for Casey. That's not the issue."

"Okay. Thanks! Well, what is it?" Kelly asked while sitting down.

Boden leaned back in his chair and addressed what was troubling him, "How's Casey really doing?"

Severide's eyes showed concern and incomprehension. He thought he had cleared all uncertainties with yesterday's phone call. But apparently, his boss still had reservations. He straightened for a moment before leaning back in the chair with a sigh.

"He's better than a few days ago."

"What does that mean," the Chief wanted to know?

Severide could only answer cryptically, "he's making progress."

Boden frowned at his Lieutenant before he asked, "to what extent? Because what I see so far isn't much of an improvement. To be honest, I think he's looking worse than he did before his medical leave."

Severide just shrugged.

"Look, Kelly. I've got this feeling you're not telling me the whole story, and I'm okay with that. But I need to know if Casey is up for the demands of this job."

Severide looked at Boden and wanted to tell him that he should consider putting Casey on an extended leave of absence, but he simply couldn't do it, and so he said, "Chief, I can reassure you, Casey can do his job. He's not okay right now, but he will be. We all had times where we weren't one hundred percent, and we all fought through it. What he needs right now is his family. - This family. He needs us. If we cut him out by sending him home, we might as well take his badge."

The Chief leaned forward and looked at his Lieutenant. "Kelly, that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid from happening for weeks now. And I don't know how to do it properly, without stepping on anyone's toes."

"Listen, Chief! If you're concerned about disobedience or solo actions on his part. Don't be! Casey has learned his lesson. I don't think you have to worry about that anymore. I know he did some stupid things before, but I'm positive he's passed that bridge."

Boden sighed and stated, "I'll watch him closely. You know I respect every one of my men. I know how hard this job is, but I can't make any more mistakes here. Casey's been already shot at and who knows what's out there for us on the next call. I can't ignore it when one of my men isn't ready to perform. It's too damn dangerous!"

"I hear you, Chief, and I sure understand your concerns, but I'll tell you, this is what he needs right now. He needs one of these calls, where he can put it all out there. Get his adrenalin rising and his happy hormones floating."

Both men smiled at each other, knowing exactly the feeling of it. But they also knew that they were literally playing with fire at that point.

* * *

Casey was sitting in his office. He was trying hard to concentrate on his paperwork. It wasn't as easy as it used to be for him, and after about two and a half hours of racking his brain, he was glad when Kelly knocked at his door. Despite a quiet morning for truck 81, squad three hadn't been so lucky. They were called twice in the last few hours.

"Hey man, you should have seen that guy. So, listen, he was making this huge treehouse for his son, who's eleven months by the way and nowhere near the age where he could appreciate that kind of thing. But whatever. He used a big nail gun. And when I say big, I mean BIG. One of those with these compressors, and he …"

Matt, who wasn't paying attention to Kelly's story, suddenly blurted out, "Cordova thinks Gabby and I are still together. He thinks she's coming back, and he says I should tell her 'Hi' from him. You think that's kind of weird?"

Kelly looked baffled at Casey, "Well, I don't know if weirds the right term."

But Matt wasn't listening because he kept going, "I think so too. You think I should tell him?"

"I don't know," Kelly answered honestly and continued, "the question is if you think you should tell him?"

Casey just shrugged. Kelly stepped further into Matt's office and sat on the bed. Both men waited in silence until the Squad-Lieutenant finally spoke up, "So, maybe this would be the right time to tell everyone." Casey raised his head and looked at Severide, who shrugged at him and carried on, "I mean, to be fair, not everyone seems to know what's going on."

Casey looked up, "you don't think that Boden mentioned something to them?"

"I don't think so since you've asked him not to say anything," Kelly said and admitted, "to be precise, I know, he didn't."

Casey frowned at his friend, who explained further, "I know this because when I told Kidd about Dawson not coming back, she was as shocked as I was. So, I guess Boden kept his word, and it's still a secret."

Matt sighed and scratched the back of his head, "Guess I should talk to the Chief then."

Now it was Kelly`s time to look up and asked, "You're not gonna tell them yourself?"

"I can't," Matt admitted, and Kelly just nodded. Casey addressed his friend's apparent surprised impression and stated, "You think I should be the one. Maybe you're right. … but I don't think I can."

Kelly quickly assured him, "You don't have to, Matt. If you're not feeling comfortable about it, I mean, they'll surely understand."

Then there was silence again. Matt closed his eyes, and the good feeling he had that morning was gone, and all he could feel was emptiness and loneliness. The thought of Gabby never coming back made this place a little bit less home, and he knew that he was ungrateful, because he knew that this firehouse and these bunch of people had been more of a family and a home to him than anything else before in his life.

"Can I ask you a question?" Kelly's sudden voice startled Matt, and he flinched slightly. "Sorry," Severide said.

"Nah. It's good. Just thinking. So, what do you want to know?"

Kelly looked at Casey and said, "You've never actually told me what happened between you and Dawson. Why did she go to Puerto Rico in the first place?"

Casey took in a big breath as if he was going to need that extra air to get the news out, but instead, he settled for a cryptic and short, "It's complicated."

Kelly tried to sound as casual as possible, even though he was more than curious, "okay. How so?"

"I, … we …," started Matt but was unable to find the right words. It wasn't that he didn't want his friend to know. To be honest, he kind of was desperate to talk about it with someone not as deeply involved and maybe catch a different point of view. To see it through fresh eyes, so to speak. But he also remembered Kelly's shitstorm about Dawson less than two weeks ago, so maybe, 'not being involved' didn't quite apply to Severide. So, he stared at the floor and mumbled, "Why does it even matter? It's not gonna change anything. She's gone, and the reason why she left has vanished too. It's not an issue anymore, and I'll have to accept her decision no matter what."

Kelly felt sorry for Casey, who clearly had a hard time talking about that kind of stuff, so he backed down, "You don't have to tell me. I just thought it might help you with the accepting part. You know. Talking about it and starting to cope properly."

Casey shot a look of annoyance at Severide and hissed, "I am coping."

Kelly tried to let his friend understand what he was getting at, "I meant, like ... actually coping. Means in a healthy and normal way."

"Oh yeah, because you know so much about normal," Matt huffed.

Kelly knew he was about to get himself into trouble, so he once again tried to back down, "Just saying, I'm here if you need to talk." Casey didn't react, so Kelly continued, "I'm also here if you need to vent or knock a few beers down after shift. Just say a word, and I'm in."

Casey looked at Severide and finally said, "Thanks." It was short but honest. Then he masked a smile, "The last part sounds endearing."

"I meant Root Beer," Kelly quickly clarified. "You're still on those antibiotics, aren't you?"

"Buzzkill," Matt answered.

Another long pause of silence followed until Kelly broke it with, "So, about this morning. I have to say you've got me good."

Matt tried to hide a grin and asked, "I've got no idea what you're talking about."

Kelly shook his head, "I can't believe you made me miss the morning briefing."

Casey faked to pout, "I told you, I didn't make you do anything."

"Yeah, right," Kelly rolled his eyes. Then his voice changed, sounding a bit more serious, "but why didn't you call me? Seriously I would have picked you up."

Matt sighed and tried to explain his action, "Needed to clear my head. I was pissed at myself for not checking my car the whole time I was at home. So, I decided to run. Get the frustration out."

Kelly frowned and looked at his friend, "sounds kinda like a punishment." It was meant as a statement but sounded like an accusation.

"No, it doesn't, and what's that you're getting on anyway?" Matt was offended and horrified by that, "You're making me sound like a lunatic."

"All I'm saying is, you've got this weird thing going on, …" Kelly paused. Matt glared at him with wide eyes and his mouth open and waited for his friend to clarify. Kelly sighed and said, "you know, this kind of self-flagellation," he said for lack of better words.

"What!?" Matt sounded even more offended, "You're out of your mind!"

"Am I?" Kelly looked his friend deep in the eyes to let him know he wasn't going to drop it.

"Definitely! I'm not doing anything. You're obviously the lunatic here." Matt barked at him and added, "I can't believe you've just said that."

"Oh, come on, Matt! These last few weeks, you did nothing except hurting yourself over and over again."

"I've had a few accidents," Matt stated.

"Yeah, right," Kelly snorted, "Your fist accidentally smashed the bathroom mirror."

Matt instinctively tried to hide his bandaged hand. Kelly picked up on it and nodded at Casey's arm, "How's that going by the way? Any pain?"

"It's fine. And none of your business."

"Okay, man. Whatever. I just want you to know. I'll pick you up for the next shift."

"No reason. I'll have my truck running by then." Matt now was actually pouting.

"Just make sure to call me if you can't make it so that we can be both on time."

Even though Matt was angry with Kelly for mentioning his self-destructive way a few moments ago, he had to smirk at his friend's attitude, "That's really bothering you, isn't it?"

"I was late," Kelly clarified, "We're leaders. We're supposed to be on time."

"As if you've never been late," Matt snarled.

"In fact, I haven't! I did skip shifts, but I wasn't late for a briefing."

"Can we agree on: you've not been late in the last two years, because seriously I'm not so sure."

Severide was about to say one more thing, but couldn't get the chance to, because the bells went off and Truck 81 was requested for the first time this day.

Casey jumped right from his spot and winked at Kelly, "Saved by the bell!"

The Squad-Lieutenant smiled at him and started to follow him to the truck. His eyes nonetheless displayed something like worry, "You're going to be okay out there?"

"Sure, I was trained to do this. Did you forget that?"

"No. Of course not. Just asking."

"It's gonna be fine. Don't worry, mum," Casey teased.

"If you need anything, you're the Captain. You can order a Rescue Squad to the scene."

Casey jumped in the back of the truck and winked at Severide, "I think Trucks got this."

And with that, they rolled out, and Kelly was left at the Firehouse wondering if he should ask the Chief if Squad should be rolling with them.

But it turned out that his boss was already ahead of him. Severide could see him climbing into his car. Kelly knew that the Dispatcher didn't order any other company except truck to the scene. The only explanation for the Battalion Chief heading out was that he was as worried as his Squad-Lieutenant. Kelly felt relief wash over him as he nodded at Boden, who reassuringly did the same. No words had been spoken, and yet these two understood the meaning of it, which was: Don't worry, I've got his back.


	35. Chapter 35

_Here's the next chapter. I promise I'm going to finish this story. I know I lack in updating, and I am very sorry about that. I hope some of you are still enjoying it nonetheless. I'll try to speed up the progress, but I don't want to compromise the quality by rushing to get to the end. I like this story, and I want to give it a proper and strong finish. So, please stay with me and keep reading the chapters as they come._

* * *

Chapter XXXV

Truck 51 was on its way to its designated destination. The team had been called to an accident site with a person in distress. Casey knew these types of calls. It could mean anything from a person in great danger to a person who stands, walks, and speaks. You never know with such calls. But since no ambulance had been requested along with truck, it seemed they wouldn't have to deal with any injuries.

The ride was quiet. Casey tried not to look at anyone. Partly because he was embarrassed for not sitting in the leaders-chair in the front, and partly because he was unsure if he could actually do this job. Being stuck in the back of his 'own' truck felt weird, and he wondered how he ever managed to forget how small and tight it felt behind his usual place, which was occupied by Herrmann right now.

Cordova squinted in his direction, which irritated him a little, but he said nothing. The other fireman was silent as well. Otis sighed slightly. He, too, could feel the tense atmosphere, and it caused strange insecurity in him. Herrmann looked questioningly at his driver, "Is there a problem?"

Otis cleared his throat, "No, Lieutenant, all right."

"Then stop with the huffing! It's annoying," he warned his firefighter. Hermann sometimes could be a bit blunt with the men around him, especially if Herrmann himself wasn't as calm and confident, in some given situations.

Otis knew him well, and so he didn't take it as an offense, "Sorry!"

"Ah, it's okay. Special day," Herrmann told his driver and turned and looked at his other men behind him. He studied each one individually. Mouch was straining to look out of the small window as if he wanted to target something tiny, which seemed strange in a moving vehicle.

In reality, he just tried to avoid looking at anyone else in the truck. Then the Lieutenant focused on his new member, Cordova. He seemed a bit on edge, glancing at his other colleagues from time to time, in hopes someone would say something. Herrmann didn't know him as well as he knew Otis or Mouch, but he already could tell that he behaved differently today than he did in the past week. And of course, he knew the reason why, which caused him to observe the last person in his Truck: Captain Matthew Casey. The man, who was supposed to be sitting in the front, instead of him, kept staring at the floor of the cabin like he was looking for his contact lenses.

All in all, it was a depressing sight. Herrmann turned forward again and couldn't repress a small sigh. Otis smirked and asked, "Everything okay, Lieutenant?"

"Just drive, Otis," the fireman told his colleague, "and shut up!"

"Copy that!"

As they neared the accident scene, Herrmann finally spoke up, "Okay, guys, we're here. It looks like some stupid kid drove his father's Porsche into a food truck."

As everyone jumped out of the Truck, Casey felt his heart beating faster. In theory, he knew exactly what to do, and yet it felt like if he was a candidate on one of his first calls in his career.

"Otis, check the Porsche! Mouch, Casey, stabilize the truck! Cordova and I'll have a look at the victims. Seems' like no one's actually hurt. So, let's get going!"

Everyone made his way over to the two vehicles dangled into each other. The Food Truck was leaning on the hood of the Porsche. Casey immediately got why Herrmann wanted them to secure it. He would have ordered them to do the same. Mouch came running with the equipment and passed it to Casey, "Here, Captain. How you wanna do this?" Casey looked dumbfounded at him. He was lost in his thoughts. He asked himself why he hadn't been the one who had jumped into action getting those tools. Matt felt useless, and it angered him that he couldn't get his act together. Mouch waited for Casey to react but was left standing to hold the tools in front of his superior. Finally, he pressed the issue, "I'll go left, you right. That's okay with you, Captain?"

Casey snapped out of it and huffed a bit irritated at his fellow, "Give me those and get going!"

Mouch shook his head, trying to cast a glance at Herrmann, but his Lieutenant was occupied with the truck driver who was shouting at the young man who obviously had driven the Porsche. Both drivers acted agitated and clearly in shock. Cordova and Herrmann both tried to get the tension between those two under control.

Matt ran towards the Food truck and started to secure it. Mouch was on the other side doing the same. Suddenly there seemed to be some kind of movement in the back of the vehicle, and the whole thing started to shift.

"Whoa," both men shouted at the same time. "What the hell?" Casey took some steps back and looked at Mouch, who just shrugged.

Suddenly the truck driver, who had just argued, came running, knocking Casey out of the way, and the next moment he was about to open the rear door of his demolished truck. Otis, who was inspecting the Porsche, hurried to Casey, who was sitting on the ground. "You okay, Captain?"

Matt nodded and tried to get up. Otis wanted to help him and grabbed his arm, but Casey stopped him by pushing his colleague away. "I'm okay," he muttered. Brian raised his hands and took a few steps to the side, saying, "okay, sorry, Captain," but roiling his eyes at the same time.

Casey, who had risen a bit too fast, closed his eyes for a moment to regain his balance. As he opened them up again, he could see his Chief walking towards the truck. Boden had watched the entire situation from his Battalion car. Officially, he wasn't at the scene of the accident, so he hadn't involved himself in the event so far. But since Herrmann was clearly busy with this hysterical kid, and Casey, in general lately distracted, the highly experienced firefighter couldn't help but intervene. "You okay, Casey," he asked? Matt cleared his throat and nodded, "Sure. All good. Just caught me by surprise. That's all."

Herrmann, who observed what was going on from a small distance, stayed with the Porsche driver, who was just about to lose his nerves and started to cry loudly. The Truck Lieutenant had a hard time trying to hold the boy in place, who was determined to climb into his father's broken car. Cordova, however, was within seconds with the truck driver, who tried to open the backdoors of his food truck. The whole thing began to shift once more, and the new firefighter could tackle the man down just in time before the vehicle started to move again.

"Sir," Boden addressed the truck driver, who was held by Cordova. "You can't go in there. It's not stable."

"Lucy," the man cried out. "Where are you? Come on! Get out of there!"

"Sir, who's Lucy?" Cordova asked.

"My partner. She's in there," he stumbled and had to be held upright while starting to cry. "You have to let me in there!"

Casey stepped up to the man and looked him in the eyes, "I'll get her! I promise." He immediately made his way over and tried to get a look through the back window on one of the doors. "I can't see anything, Chief," he told Boden.

"Let's stabilize that thing and then have a look," came the order.

"Copy that, Chief," Herrmann looked at Otis, and the Russian firefighter immediately began working on finally stabilizing the vehicle in sync with Mouch. Casey tried to get a glance into the back of the truck once more. "There," he yelled, "I think I see someone's foot."

"I've told you! She's in there!" the man yelled at him. "What's taking him so long? Why's he standing there? He's supposed to get her out." The man looked at Casey, and if Cordova hadn't held him, he would have lunged forwarded and grabbed the Captain by his collar.

"Don't worry, Sir. We'll get her out," Cordova tried to calm him.

Casey, spurred on by the man's scared screams, was eager to get into this truck and reached for the door handles. The car squeaked some more. Otis jumped slightly, and Mouch moved away an inch. Both firemen recovered quickly and returned to their tasks.

Casey, who had stopped for a millisecond, was about to try to open the doors once more.

Boden sighed as he witnessed Casey's boldness and immediately stopped him by ordering, "Hold on, Casey!" Matt's eyes displayed frustration as he looked at his boss, but he stopped nonetheless. He waited impatiently for a new order, listening to the loud pleads from the man behind him.

"Otis, Mouch? Are you ready," Boden asked? And after both men, gave their okays a few seconds later, he finally nodded at Casey.

Matt, who didn't skip a beat, opened the wing doors and climbed inside. There were cartons and debris of food and glass everywhere. "Lucy, can you hear me? I'm Matt. I'm with the fire department. Lucy, talk to me!" But the girl didn't react to any of Matt's comments.

She was lying on her left side and didn't move. "We need an ambulance!" Casey shouted to his fellow firefighters. "She's unconscious."

He tried to get a better look and to clear some of the mess out of the way, which was surrounding the woman's body. "Hey, can you hear me," the firefighter tried again while shifting the young woman's body carefully. Finally, he got a good look on her face. It was severely cut, and on the left side, there was a big lump, already displaying blue and red.

"Otis! Get me a collar. I need to stabilize her neck. Possible head-trauma."

"On it!" Otis ran off to get the stuff his colleague needed.

Now everything happened very fast. Casey and Otis got the woman out of the truck and positioned her on the ground. Casey once again checked her over as she suddenly began to shake violently. "She's seizing! When's Ambo here?"

"Any minute," Boden said. "Hold her down!"

"Lucy, oh my god! What's happening. What's wrong," the truck driver leaped forward to his friend. "Get off of her! You're hurting her!" He jumped at Casey and tried to drag him away. He almost succeeded, not only because he was way taller than the Fireman, the extra adrenaline running through his system gave him enough strength to nearly knock Casey back on the ground and away from his partner.

"Cordova! Keep that guy under control," Matt huffed while trying to keep the girl from hurting herself while shaking uncontrollably, and keeping himself on the ground while he was being attacked from behind. Cordova, for the second time, tackled the man and tried to get him out of his colleague's way. "Sir, you have to let us do our job! My man, Casey, over there is trying to help Lucy."

Boden now took his turn and stepped in front of the man, covering Casey. He turned around and addressed his Captain, "You're okay?"

Matt rolled his eyes, "Stop asking me that! Better help Cordova get a hold of this lunatic," he spat out. Boden's mimic showed that he wasn't too happy with the way his subordinate talked to him, but wasn't going to address the issue right now. Instead, he turned to the shouting man in front of him. "Sir, you have to calm down. We're doing everything to help your partner. But you have to let us do our job!"

The driver was desperate and pointed at Casey, "No! Look, he's holding her down!"

He tried to escape again, and Boden took a few steps further in his direction. The Chief's present and demeanor did the trick, and the man slowed down a bit.

"She's having a seizure," Cordova explained in a calm and soothing voice, "She's got a head injury, which can cause this kind of convulsion. He has to make sure she doesn't hurt herself while her body's thrashing around. I know it looks bad, but it's actually helping."

Finally, the seizure stopped, and the woman's body laid still. Matt was glad because now he could relax a bit. The convulsions had been hefty, and it had cost him a great deal of energy to hold her in place. He tossed his gloves away, checked her eyes, and reached for her neck. "No pulse," he cried out! "Starting compressions!"

Casey placed his hands on the victim's chest and started to pump. Otis took over the mouth to mouth ventilation. Matt's bandaged hand began to hurt. He already had felt one or two of the stitches break while he had been holding her body down during the seizure, but managed to block the uncomfortable feeling out.

After the third round of compressions, Casey asked, "Ambulance?"

Boden reached for his radio and asked for an update. He turned to Matt, "eight minutes, Casey. Traffic's bad."

Matt sighed and rolled his eyes, "great." Sweat was visible on his forehead, and he could feel moisture running down his spine. His head felt heavy, and his hands and arms were almost numb, while his ears started to ring.

Boden looked with worry at his Captain and then at Mouch, who jumped slightly. Herrmann understood his Chief's hint and ordered, "Mouch, take over for Casey!"

"I'm good," Matt protested.

Hermann shook his head and said, "No. It's been long enough. Mouch's taking over!"

The older firefighter got on the ground next to Casey and told him, "Switch on three."

"I said I'm good!" Matt showed no intention of stopping what he was doing. Boden sighed and was about to bend down and reach for Casey's shoulder to stop the man himself. Herrmann took it as his obligation to give the orders, so he shot an unmistaken 'stay away look' at his Chief and long-time-friend.

"And I said Mouch is taking over," Herrmann pressed the issue.

Casey glared at him, but finally, let go of her and made room for Mouch.

The Ambo arrived just in time when Otis was about to take his turn of doing the compressions. Casey rattled down the symptoms to Brett while Stella placed the AED pads on the young woman's torso. Casey watched as the lifeless body was being jerked by the electricity send through it. He absently pressed against his injured hand while holding his breath, just like the others were holding theirs. After the third shock, they all could take a sigh of relief as they heard a steady beeping coming from the monitor of the AED. Brett spoke for them all as she said, "We've got a rhythm! Thank God!"

The truck driver knelt beside the woman, and with tear-stricken eyes, he looked at Sylvie, "Thank you so much for saving her. She's all I've got. She and that stupid Food Truck." He looked at the damaged vehicle and started to cry again, "No, she's all I've got, and you saved her. God bless you."

Brett looked up, "Sir, we need to get her to the hospital. You can ride with us."

Casey watched as Brett and Kidd led the victim and the driver to the Ambulance. He was glad that everything turned out fine for now. Matt hoped that the young woman would make it and that she would make a full recovery. He knew that kind of injuries were tough ones, and the likelihood of long terms effects was tremendous.

The Porsche driver, who was still accompanied by Herrmann, had finally calmed down as well and was pleading every now and then, that he hadn't seen them coming. And that he was likely going to be killed by his father, who just had bought the car for himself, as a gift for his 50th Birthday. Casey heard Herrmann reassuring the boy that his father was more likely to be glad that his son was still alive. Matt had to smirk, and his Lieutenant just shrugged like: 'What else should I say?'

Casey was putting away tools as Cordova came over to him, "Hell of a rescue, don't you think?"

Casey looked at him and casually said, "Nothing unusual, I'd say."

Cordova smirked and stated, "If doing CPR on a young woman isn't unusual for you, I think I rather not spend my downtime with you."

Casey looked at him without any expression at all and countered, "That's fine by me."

Cordova's smirk vanished, and he nodded understandingly, "Got that, Captain."

And with that, he turned around and shouted, "Hey Otis, you need a hand with these," as he saw him picking up the rest of the equipment.

Matt bowed his head and sighed, "damn." He was aware of how rude he'd just been to his colleague.

Herrmann heard him and asked, "Everything's fine there, Captain?"

Casey closed his eyes, trying to hide his annoyance, "Yeah, everything's fine." Then he turned around and mumbled, "I wish people would stop asking."

"You know, some people care," he recognized the deep voice and looked up to see himself confronted with the smiling face of his boss.

"Chief, didn't saw you there," Matt said, "You need anything?"

Boden just looked at him for a few seconds before he admitted, "Actually, I wanted to ask if everything is okay. But now that I know your thoughts on that one, I'll put it another way."

Casey let his head fall back in his neck and let out a dramatical breath.

Boden again wasn't pleased with the attitude Casey represented towards him but didn't comment on it for the second time during this call.

"Yeah, Casey, you can huff and puff all you want. But I have to know how that hand of yours is doing. I've noticed the blood smear on the bandage," and he pointed slightly with his finger at it. "So, out of duty I have as Battalion Chief, I cannot just ignore that. And I expect an honest answer too."

Casey looked at his hand and said, "It's fine, Chief. Really. I guess one or two stitches broke while giving CPR. But doctors always put one or two of them too much anyway."

"Is that so," Boden asked, knowing that Casey wasn't going to listen to him if he would order him to go to Med. So, he spared them both the trouble of getting into a fight. "Okay. Let's pretend your hand is fine for now, and we all go back to the station." With that, the Chief turned around and shouted, "Let's wrap it up, guys! We're done here."

"There's nothing to pretend," Casey shouted after his boss, who made his way over to his car, ignoring his Captain's opinion.


	36. Chapter 36

_I don't know if anyone's still reading this story, but if so, I hope you'll enjoy it_.

* * *

Chapter XXXVI

Boden sat in his office. He looked up as he heard a slight knocking, "Uhm Chief, you've got a minute?"

"Yeah! Come on in. What is it, Herrmann?" Boden was used to this kind of interruptions. Almost every shift, someone from the team would show up at his office door.

Wallace was one of those leaders who didn't shy contact with their subordinates. He had always tried to stay close to his men, even after he got promoted. And the women and men at Station 51 appreciated that and had no qualms about visiting their Chief now and then in his office.

Herrmann entered and closed the door behind him, "Okay. Thanks, Chief. I, Uhm, I don't want to sound rude or ungrateful or anything, but …"

Boden looked suspicious at his old friend, "okay."

Herrmann sat down, only to stand up again less than a second later. He looked at Boden, who patiently waited for him to talk.

Finally, Christopher asked, "How long do you know me as a firefighter?"

The man smiled at his friend and answered, "I'd say long enough to know that you're not the rude nor ungrateful type. So, what is it, Herrmann? Spit it out?"

The Lieutenant seemed a bit uncomfortable, "Chief, today, this call," he began but stopped midsentence.

Boden tried to carry the conversation on, which felt like pulling someone's tooth. "You mean the collision site?"

"Yeah."

"What's on your mind, Herrmann," Boden tried once more to get to the bottom of this encounter.

Herrmann sat down, and this time he looked his boss straight in the eyes, "Do you think I'm a good firefighter?"

Boden was surprised and immediately answered with an honest, "I think you're one of the best." The other man smiled slightly but didn't continue right away. Boden was getting more curious and a bit frustrated, "What's this all about?"

"And do you think I'm a capable Lieutenant," came the next question.

Boden tensed up and frowned, "Christopher."

"No Chief. Don't Christopher' me!" Herrmann got a bit frustrated himself, "I need to know," he stated and bluntly added, "Do you think I can handle being a leader?"

"Absolutely," came Boden's reply.

"No doubts about me calling the shots," Herrmann asked once again?

"Not a single one," was all he got back, so the other carried on, "Okay. Uhm and so how comes that you were on the site today? I didn't get the memo of Battalion Chiefs joining a single truck call these days."

"Herrmann," Boden sighed. Now he understood what was bothering his old friend. He hadn't thought about it when he had made the decision earlier to ride along with his truck company to a call he wasn't supposed to follow up.

"Come on Wallace," Herrmann pressed the issue, "be honest! Do you trust me with truck 81?"

"Christopher, listen. Don't you dare, question yourself and your abilities about being a leader. Because you are one!"

Herrmann challenged his Chief once again, "Then, why show up on a plain vehicle accident with zero victims?"

"There had been a victim," Boden simply stated.

"Yeah! But we didn't know that from the start," Herrmann clarified.

"Christopher Herrmann," the Chief started in his usually deep and caring voice, "I will say this once, so listen carefully! Me, showing up on that call had nothing, absolutely nothing to do with your capability of being a Lieutenant in the CFD."

Boden regretted that his decision to ride along had led to Herrmann questioning himself and his style of work. He tried to make his friend understand that he wasn't disappointed in him in any way, "Otherwise, I wouldn't have asked you to step in and take the Lieutenant-spot."

Herrmann's face displayed satisfaction, and he accepted Boden's opinion. He had self-doubts about being in charge and to know that Boden had his back was a big deal for the firefighter. Nevertheless, today's call had made him think. There had to be a good reason why his Chief had turned up at the site.

"Okay. But you did show up, so," Herrmann changed the subject, "You wanna fill me in on what's bothering you? I mean, if it's not me, who is it?"

Boden's look changed and became more sternly, "I think you know what's going on here."

Herrmann looked at his Chief and said, "I can make a guess." And after a short pause, he stated, "It's Casey, isn't it?"

The Chief sighed deeply and admitted, "He's not well."

"I think we all can see that," Herrmann stated the obvious. Boden flinched at this, even so, he already had suspected that the others were worried too. Herrmann confirmed his suspicion when he carefully phrased his next question, "You know something we don't?"

Boden shook his head while leaning back in his chair, "I can't tell you exactly what's going on."

"But don't you think I have the right to know," his Lieutenant asked? "You've put me in charge. Casey's on my truck, and I think I should know when something serious is going on."

Boden sighed again, "I can't tell you, because I don't know."

Herrmann leaned back in his chair as well and wrinkled his nose at his boss's confession. Then he asked, "What's Severide saying?"

Boden replied, but couldn't hide the disappointment in his voice, "He says he's getting better."

"Getting better? That's Kelly's' approach," Herrmann huffed. "The Kid looks like death warmed up. That's supposed to be better? Oh man, then how did he look like last week?" Herrmann's voice got higher, as it always did when he got himself emotionally invested in something.

"I know. I asked the same question," Boden told him.

"And," Herrmann asked?

"And my squad-Lieutenant tells me that Casey needs this right now. That he needs us. This house."

Both sat silent for a few seconds. Herrmann shrugged and said, "Guess that's a fair point."

Boden looked up, "I thought so too. But," he stopped midsentence.

"But you're not so sure, and now you're planning on going out on every call?" Herrmann finished for his boss. Then he shook his head and told his Chief, "With all due respect, but that's just nuts."

Boden was frustrated and leaned forward, "Christopher, what choice do I have? I can't take any risks. Lives are at stake here!"

Herrmann simply smirked, "You're a control-freak. You know that?"

"I am responsible," Boden almost shouted out but kept his lower voice in case someone would stand outside his office.

"Yeah, that you are. And I get that." Herrmann let his boss know that he understood where he was coming from, but also tried to remind him of what he was dealing with. "But Casey's a tough one to mother. He's not going to like being shadowed, is all I'm saying."

Boden sighed, "Believe me, I'm aware of that."

Christopher looked at him and asked, "So, what's the plan?"

Boden shrugged and explained, "for today, I'll keep a close eye on him. And I expect the same from my truck-Lieutenant," he added gravely.

"I hear you," Herrmann let him understand that he got the order. "But as I already pointed out: Casey's not going to like that."

Boden simply countered, "And I don't care."

"He's going to fight you, Chief." Herrmann let his boss know what's already had been clear for both of them.

"I've already got a taste of that." Casey's behavior from earlier, during the call, was still present in the Chief's memory.

Herrmann was curious, "You're going to call him on that?"

Boden shook his head, "Nah. Today's his first shift back. I'm going to give him at least some time to adjust."

Herrmann nodded, "That's probably wise."

Wallace explained further, "I hope he'll come around. Get his grip back and act like he's supposed to."

Herrmann's face showed worry, "Don't know Chief. He's been this way since Dawson left for Puerto Rico. Maybe we should just wait till she's back. I guess once they figured out how to manage their marriage, it'll all go back to normal."

Boden squinted his eyes as he heard Herrmann talk about Dawson's coming back. He then looked at his fellow firefighter and sighed, "Yeah, about that. I guess I should tell you one thing. Since you're his Lieutenant."

Herrmann looked suspicious at his boss and waited for him to continue. Boden wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing or if Casey was going to hold this against him. Nonetheless, he finally dropped the bomb, "Dawson's not coming back to 51."

Herrmann frowned, before he tried something like a smile, "What? You're kidding, right?" But as the truth hit him, he literally jumped from his chair, looking at his Chief, analyzing his honest expression once more.

Boden's lack of answering made Herrmann believe him, but he still couldn't wrap his head around it, "I can't believe it! She would've said something about that to me. I talked to her a couple of days back."

Boden was surprised, "You what?"

Herrmann, now pacing up and down in front of his Chief's desk, told him, "Yeah, I called her about something Molly's related. She didn't mention not coming back. She even asked how we're doing."

"What did you tell her?"

"That we're good, but desperate to have her back." Herrmann was in shock, and his disappointment showed, "I can't believe she lied to my face like that." Suddenly a new problem popped up in his thoughts, and he began, "And what about Molly's? Is she in or out? I've got to know that kind of stuff. She's my business partner for god's sake!" He inhaled sharply, "I mean, doesn't partnership and honesty count nothing anymore to these young, selfish bricks. This is a serious business we're trying to maintain. Molly's not just a regular bar. It's a firefighter bar. A bar from firefighters for firefighters. That says it all, doesn't it?"

Boden looked a bit flabbergasted as he followed the man in front of him with his eyes. Finally, he tried to calm him down, "Herrmann, I think you'll figure this stuff out."

"Yeah, right." Herrmann stopped his pacing and looked at his boss, "Not exactly a priority here. I get it, Chief." He sat back down and let out a deep breath, "man, Casey must be crushed. No wonder he's running around like Captain Zombie."

"Don't," Boden shook his head, "Don't call him that. Christopher. Please."

"Sorry Chief," the other man apologized, but carried on, "but I guess my point is clear. He's in no shape for doing this job. His minds clearly focused on other stuff right now."

This got Boden's attention, and he looked at his Lieutenant, "So, what you're saying is that I should keep him from doing his job? That I should deny him this family by sending him home?"

Silence fell upon the two men, who had in common that they did not know how to deal with the situation. On the one hand, they knew how important it was for Casey to stay here at 51, but on the other hand, it was also the most dangerous place for him right now.

Every firefighter knows that when your head isn't one hundred percent in the game, it's risky for you to be on the job. Emotions can cloud judgment, which can lead to mistakes. And sometimes those mistakes can't be reversed.

Suddenly Herrmann huffed, "Ah, what do I know, Chief. Of course, Casey belongs here with us right now."

Boden looked at him and tried to read his mind. He knew that man in front of him like he was his brother, and he understood that both of them were softies when it came to friendship and camaraderie. "But are we doing the right thing? Letting him stay here. Letting him go out on calls," Boden asked?

Herrmann just stated, "That's a tough one. We're worried about him, either way."

Boden sighed, "Exactly my point. We wanna have him close to protect him. But is this the right way, or do we endanger him by wanting to keep an eye on him? Herrmann, I'm really at a loss here. Deep down inside of my head is this tiny little voice, screaming that I shouldn't get too caught up in this and to do what a leader's supposed to do."

Herrmann thought about it, and after a while, he said, "Forget it, Chief. You're already shoulder-deep stuck in this. It's Casey! Of course, we're not pushing him away. It's like Severide said: he needs us now. More than ever." He stood up and made his way towards the door. He wasn't going to brood over the issue any longer. He turned around once again and faced Boden, "Remember when Hallie died?" Boden nodded silently. "He was a mess then, and he made it out of that hole. Even asked for a vacation. Maybe there's a chance he's doing that again when he's ready. In the meantime, we're trying to keep him out of trouble as best as we can."

Boden smiled reassuringly at his Lieutenant, but he crashed his confidence with one sentence, "Back then, Dawson was the one talking to him and suggesting the furlough."

Herrmann contemplated for a few seconds what his boss had just said. The disappointment he felt after hearing the news left him angry at Dawson. Eventually, he rolled his eyes, "So let us be Casey's Dawson from now on! It's not like she was doing such a hell of a job lately anyway. Gees, this can't be too difficult."

* * *

"And I tell you, someone's gonna snap. It's just a matter of time." Otis told a skeptical looking Joe Cruz, who immediately reacted to his friend's worries.

"Ah, come on, Otis. The Chief's not gonna blow up. He's too much in control. That's why he's the Chief."

But Otis wasn't convinced at all, "You weren't there, Cruz. I'll tell you! The tension was higher than the damn ladder on our rig out there."

Mouch turned around to face his colleagues sitting at the round table behind him, "I wanna go with Otis on that one. Tensions were pretty high. I, myself, was tempted to call the Captain … something."

"Okay, guys, I believe you, but I really don't see it," Joe said. He frowned while he was chewing on his toothpick and finally added, "Maybe Boden's going to put on his gloves and beats the hell out of the punching bag once again, but he's not gonna hit one of his men. Let alone, Casey."

"Maybe if the other punches first," Mouch interjected. Otis looked like he was on board with that thought and was about to open his mouth, but was interrupted by Herrmann coming into the room. "No one is going to punch anyone. Understood." The Lieutenant looked at either of them. "And we don't talk about that stuff in the Common Room. Am I clear?" Mouch and Otis nodded at their superior. "If anyone has something on his mind, come to me! Don't talk smack out here with everyone listening."

And again, what he said was approved with a nod. "We've got gossip running around these halls enough already. Don't need the three Stooges too cook up some more." Then he looked at Otis and Mouch, "And why is Cordova out there cleaning the rig by himself?"

"He volunteered," Otis said and added, "Lieutenant," as he noticed the angry look on Herrmann.

"I thought I made myself clear when I said I wanted everyone to do it. Not just the new guy," he almost shouted.

Otis and Mouch immediately stood up and made their way over to the apparatus floor, while they heard their Lieutenant shout after them, "It's called team-building exercise!"

Cap, who was sitting next to Cruz, leaned in on his colleague and whispered, "Maybe he's the one throwing the first punch." Joe had a hard time hiding a smirk. Herrmann looked at him and asked, "You Squad-guys! Aren't you supposed to do drills or something? Instead of sitting on your damn asses all day, talking nonsense."

Cap looked baffled, and before Herrmann could rip him a new one, he stood up and vanished into the hallway. Cruz stayed back and looked at the truck-Lieutenant, who was about to get himself a cup of coffee. Finally, he asked, "Hey, Herrmann!" The other man turned around, and Joe could see the anger in his eyes. Suddenly he was worried about his friend and asked, "Is everything okay?" Herrmann saw his coworker's concerned look and shrugged, "just one of those days, Cruz."

"Listen, if you wanna talk about it," Joe started, but Herrmann shut him off, "It's nothing really. Don't worry. But you can do me a favor."

Cruz stood up and smiled, "Name it."

Herrmann looked at him, and eventually, a smirk crossed his lips as he told him, "You can clear the room around the punching bag. My guess it's gonna get hit by someone sooner or later."

Cruz nodded understandingly and winked at Herrmann, "On it, Lieutenant!" Then he walked in the direction of the apparatus floor to join the others, maybe telling them about his new task.


	37. Chapter 37

_I'm glad some of you are still following this story. And thanks for the reviews! It's so freaking nice to read them and it helps me to continue with writing I guess. In my mind, they are my reward for posting a chapter and so they help me keep going. Little motivation-boosts, so to say. In that context, thank you for reading & reviewing._

* * *

Chapter XXXVII

Casey stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom. He was glad that no one else had entered the room so far. This rarely happened in a station such as big as 51.

He came here to check his injured hand and to clean the wound. He was anxious to not let this situation escalate, especially now that Boden apparently had his eye on it. The Captain knew that his boss was trying to ignore it for the time being, but he knew the man too well and was sure that the last words hadn't been spoken yet, regarding that matter.

Matt was trying to pull one of the broken sutures from his skin just as his eyes fell on his reflection. He sighed deeply. His eyes were empty and tired and showed exactly how he felt inside — tired and empty. These two words described him best at the given moment. He didn't want to feel that way. He hated it. It scared him. A feeling he knew well but managed to bottle up most of the time, like all the other smoke eaters did, day in and day out. A firefighter who was afraid wasn't something uncommon, or something to be ashamed of.

Of course, they were all scared — fear of not coming home, afraid of losing a brother during the job. There were many reasons why one could be scared of being a member of the CFD. They just tended to not talk about it. But Matt was aware that his fear had changed. He wasn't worried about not coming home. He was afraid to go home. His off-time had become his enemy. Endless hours of brooding and loneliness made great opportunities for bad choices. Sure, Kelly being with him these last couple of days, had been a nice distraction, but his worried glances and bickering about Matt's apparently unhealthy behavior didn't make it any less challenging.

Casey sensed that his boss was close to sending him home. And to be fair, he could see why. He simply had to look in the mirror to get the Chief's point. He wasn't exactly the poster boy for a Captain's position in the CFD right now. Hell, he wasn't even a good example for any position at all. And yet, he didn't want to be sent home.

The last call didn't go perfect, and he knew he had screwed up a few things. He got too eager getting the save, and he knew he had stepped on Boden's toes more than once, but it had felt good to be back out there. It had felt right helping that woman. He needed this, the distraction from his current private mess.

Matt sighed again and started to rinse the wound once more. These damn broken stitches wouldn't want to come out. He stopped trying because the flesh around them was already getting red and swollen. He knew he had to get that looked at by someone. 'Maybe Brett could help him,' he thought as the door swung open.

"I was wondering where I would find you," Kelly said as he spotted his friend.

"Hey," Casey greeted him short and turned back to his task.

"What are you doing?" Severide asked casually, although he had already discovered the bloody bandage lying ungraceful in the sink.

Matt didn't see a point in denying and told him, "I'm just taking care of that damn hand."

Kelly came closer and took a look, "What happened?" He tried to sound normal and pushed his worries away. He wanted Casey to feel comfortable and not like being ambushed, like the other few times he had found him hurt in some kind of form. His plan was obviously working since Matt began to explain what had happened.

"A couple of stitches are loose, and I tried to pull them out. But no such luck. They're stuck. And now, I guess I have to find someone to get them out. Lucky me!"

"I could try if you let me," Kelly offered.

Matt looked at him and wrinkled his nose, "Uhm, no offense, brother, but I rather have someone, with a better sense of tenderness, do it."

"Okay. It's your loss then!" Kelly smirked and showed his hand in front of Casey and said, "but you've got no idea of what you're missing out on. These bad boys here are the prototype of tenderness."

Matt laughed, "Yeah! Exactly why I'd rather not have them touch me. Prototypes aren't really known for being the ultimate best."

"Whatever. But I bet Kidd disagrees," Kelly smirked.

"Okay, now I definitely don't want you to touch me!" He looked at Kelly and faked a shiver running down his spine. "I even think I don't want to be in the same room right now."

With that, he made his way out of the bathroom. Kelly right behind him, saying in a faked tender voice, "Oh come on, Matthew. You and me. My hands, touching your hand. We could have so much fun!"

"Oh, wow. What's this?" Kidd asked as he heard him. "Should I be jealous or turned on?" She approached Severide and kissed him on his cheek.

"Neither," Matt pointed out. "And please, for the record, I already made it clear that I don't want Kelly's hands anywhere near me."

"I guess that's wise," Kidd stated.

"See, I told you," Matt smirked at Kelly. "Even she agrees with me."

Kelly looked at his girlfriend and faked a pout, "Traitor!"

Kidd was confused. "Hey! I don't even have the whole story. So, what's going on?"

Kelly wanted to tell her, but Casey cut him off and asked in a more serious tone, "How's the victim from that car crash?"

Kidd looked at him and said, "Uhm, still touch and go when we arrived at Med. But she had a strong pulse."

Matt nodded and asked her if he could get some gauze for his hand.

Stella spotted his hand and told him, "Sure thing, Captain. Come with me. Brett's doing inventory right now."

All three firefighters made their way over to the ambulance on the apparatus floor. The truck crew was busy cleaning their rig. Cordova looked at Casey and greeted him with a nod. Casey felt kind of irritated again. He couldn't pinpoint why he got an awkward vibe every time he saw that man. Was he intimidated by him?

It was weird because usually, Casey wasn't the type of man that got insecure around other men. Matt didn't think of himself as an ego in any kind, but he was confident enough in himself to take on a competition every now and then. Otherwise, Casey never would have made it this far in the CFD. Hell, he couldn't even count how many times he and Kelly pushed each other's buttons. How often he would start an argument with his friend, just because they liked the challenge. To try and state a point only to mark their territory. Most of the time, they didn't do it out of spite; they did it because they could and should challenge each and one another. It was a reasonable thing to do between tough guys. Some maybe even would say it made them better firefighters.

He pushed his feelings aside and greeted the PIC. "Hey Brett. I've got an assignment for you."

Sylvie looked at him with curiosity, "What can I do for you, Captain?"

He showed the blonde paramedic his hand and said, "I need something to cover that up?"

"Sure, Captain, hop right in," she told him as she opened the ambo's backdoor fully. "What happened," she asked while searching for the items.

Kelly jumped into the conversation, "I already told you the other day." She looked puzzled at Severide, who clarified, "at the hospital. Casey got cut with that window." Severide became nervous that he would get caught lying. He was afraid his previous cover-up would get smelled out, so he shot an unmistakably look at his old pal, to let him know he mustn't mess that up.

Matt, first looked stunned, but confirmed the obviously made-up story, "Yeah that damn window." He threw a questioning look at Kelly once more, who just shrugged at him.

The paramedic didn't even try to hide a smirk, "Right the master of construction. Or should we say of destruction?"

Matt frowned at Brett's giggling, but eventually joined the light banter. "Pretty sure it was Severide's fault."

"Oh, I'm so sorry." Kelly faked consternation. "But you knew I'm a boat-guy. We don't do dry-walls and windows!"

Kidd laughed with them but finally nodded at Severide and said, "Come on, boat-guy. Let Brett do her job". Then she leaned in on him more and whispered, "you can show me your rudder."

Sylvie and Matt scrunched up their faces as Kelly smirked, "sorry guys, gotta go! Looks like I'm going to be the Captain today." He winked at Casey while getting pulled away by his girlfriend.

Sylvie took Matt's hand and started to examine it, "Oh Casey, that doesn't look good. The stitches are horrible. What did you do? Try to bite them off?"

"No," Casey shook, vehemently his head.

"I'm going to clean it, but I think it would be good if you have a doctor look at it. Maybe it can still be patched up. Otherwise, I'm afraid there's going to be a deep scar."

"I don't mind scars," Matt smirked. "Makes me kind of badass."

"Or it can make your hand numb to any kind of feelings. Such as cold and heat," Sylvie informed him. He nodded at her to let her know that he got the point she obviously tried to make.

She smiled back at him, "Sorry. I didn't mean to sound so parental. It's just, … I don't get it when men try to act tough, even when they hurt."

"Especially when we're hurt," Casey told her. "It's the fault of the mothers."

"You're terrible," she chuckled but lightly punched him on his shoulder.

"I could again blame my mother, but I'm afraid you'll punch me again." Both smiled.

It was nice to talk to Brett. Matt missed those carefree moments with his friends.

Since Dawson's departure, a gray cloud surrounded him, and he knew that his colleagues noticed it as well. He had never been the social type. Now it was even harder for him.

Brett seemed to notice his absented mind and asked carefully, "Everything okay?"

"Yes," Casey answered faster than he intended to.

Brett looked a bit confused about the prompt and short answer but said nothing.

Matt shifted a little nervously on the stretcher when he said, "or maybe not."

She looked at him, encouraging, but he didn't continue right away. Instead, he observed her silently remove the two broken sutures. Eventually, he admitted, "I think I might need something for the pain."

"I can put an ice-spray on it," she offered.

"I guess I could use something stronger," he honestly answered.

She seemed to think about it for a moment but eventually said, "Okay, I'll give you some Tylenol. But you should really get it checked out later if the pain is that severe."

"It's not. But shift isn't over yet. And I guess all the scrubbing before and pulling the stitches made it aggravated or something. I'm just cautious. That's all."

She gave him the pill, and he swallowed it dry and mumbled a 'thanks.'

"I hope it works," she told him as she put the left items, she had used for the bandage away. Matt stood up and climbed slowly out of the ambulance. He felt tiredness sweeping over him, and he contemplated to take a short nap. Brett followed him to the bunker room. Before he could hide in his office, she called after him, "Casey!"

He turned around and sighed, "Yes."

"Uhm. I just wanted to say, "she approached him slowly, "Look, if there's anything I can do for you. I mean, if you need someone to talk too." He looked at her, while she was trying to find the right words. "I guess, I just want you to know that I'm good at listening."

"Thanks, Brett. That's sweet of you, but..."

She interrupted him by laying her hand on his forearm. "Don't say that you're fine unless it's the truth." Her voice sounded sad all of a sudden.

For a second their eyes met, and Casey could see the genuine concern. He felt bad. He didn't want her to feel sorry because of him.

"Brett," he sighed and withdrew his arm. She flinched slightly, which made him feel even more guilty, "Sorry, I just ..." It was obvious how hard it was for him to talk to her.

Sylvie tried to give him a break and decided to let him off the hook. "It's okay, Casey. I understand. But please let me know if I can help you in any way."

"I guess you've already did." He gave her a smile and held his fresh bandaged hand in the air.

"Glad I could help," she returned the smile before she turned around and left him alone.

Casey entered his office, laid down on his bed and closed his eyes. He longed for a few minutes of sleep and rest. His hope was quickly dashed when he heard his door open.

"Are you sleeping?" When Casey recognized Kelly's voice, he decided to keep his eyes closed, but told him with a grumbling, "No, not yet."

"I'm sorry," Kelly told him. Matt nodded knowingly but his eyes stayed closed. He felt the bed move under Kelly's weight as he sat down.

"Severide, is it important?" Matt asked without a blink when he realized that his friend wouldn't leave any time soon.

"Guess not. Just wanted to check in on you."

"Kelly, I'm fine. I don't know how often I have to repeat myself." His voice sounded tired and defeated.

"You're sleeping at one o'clock in the afternoon," Kelly argued, "you never go to bed when we're on shift. Not even at nighttime."

"I don't sleep now either," he grumbled.

"Okay, I'll get it," Kelly apologized. He put his hand on Casey's thigh, which finally caused Matt to open his eyes. He frowned at Kelly, who had something on his mind. "Hey, what do you think about something to eat? You must be starving."

So far, Severide hadn't seen his friend eat anything at the station, and he fairly doubted that Matt had fixed himself any breakfast that morning at home either.

But Casey wasn't hungry, he was tired, and so he answered honestly. "I can't. I want to lay here and chill for a bit." He closed his eyes once again and hoped that Severide would get the message this time.

But Kelly only got more suspicious and worried, which resulted in him bombarding Casey with questions.

"Why? What's wrong? Stomach cramps?"

"No."

"Nauseous?"

"No."

"Already eaten?"

"No."

"Can you say something other than No?"

Casey opened his eyes and lifted his head as he looked at Kelly.

"Or are you having a stroke?"

"No," Matt smirked.

"Then what is it?" Kelly asked impatiently.

"Sev, I'm just tired. That's all." Matt tried to reassure him that he wasn't on the brink of a breakdown.

"Tired? Nothing else's going on?" Kelly looked doubtfully.

Matt recognized it and tried again: "Nothing else is going on. I promise."

"But you would tell me if something's wrong?" Severide looked Casey deep in the eyes so that the other couldn't escape his gaze.

"What's this all about, Kelly?" Matt was kind of irritated. He sat up and bowed his head. He thought they had cleared everything before the call. "We've already talked."

"I want to make sure that you're okay. It's your first day back, and I know it can be tough. I've been there a few times." He looked at his friend with a soft and reassuring smile. "Coming back after sick-leave isn't a walk in the park."

"That's why I'm lying here. Kelly, I get that you're worried or something, but I can't do anything else than to tell you that I'm fine."

Severide sensed that he was about to overstep a line he better not cross today, so he settled for an easy way out and let Matt know that he was okay with his answer. "I guess I'll let you sleep then."

"That would be great," Matt told him and laid down again, hoping the Tylenol would kick in soon.

Severide didn't get up immediately. He watched his colleague a bit longer. He desperately wanted to tell Casey that it was too soon to be back on the job, that he should have taken some more time off.

But he wouldn't do it. He simply couldn't muster the courage to say it. He chickened out when Boden had asked him that morning, and he blew the opportunity to tell Casey now. Partly because he knew Casey would start a fight with him and partly because he was afraid what Casey would do at home when he was all by himself. It hadn't turned out so good the last time the Captain was on his own.

But now Severide got this bad feeling that if something terrible would happen to his best friend on the job, it would be his fault. And he didn't like that feeling at all.


	38. Chapter 38

_Enjoy the next chapter. Someone is visiting our struggling Captain and has some devasting news for him. Because I'm that mean ;-)_

* * *

Chapter XXXVIII

Maybe it had been the excitement of being out there after almost two weeks, or because of the intense physical ordeal, this job brought, but Casey was fortuned enough to get nearly an hour of blissful sleep. Giving someone CPR wasn't just strenuous. It also released a lot of adrenalin, which, if metabolized, left the person worn out and overwrought. And given the fact that Matt's body was still recovering, no one from 51 was puzzled by the sleeping Captain.

Detective Dawson, who didn't know any of that, was more than surprised to find him that way. He would never have guessed that his brother in law would be someone who took a nap during worktime. And yet here he was, trying to overcome his guilty conscience while waking the firefighter.

"Hey Casey," he called softly and slightly nudged the sleeping form in front of him. Almost immediately, Matt opened his eyes and squinted at the person standing over him. "I'm sorry, bro," Dawson said with almost a frown on his face.

Matt cleared his throat and slowly sat up, "Antonio?" His muscles felt heavy, and his movements were sluggish. He didn't even try to hide it.

"The others told me where to find you. I didn't know you were sleeping, though."

"It's okay," Casey said as he started to stretch his sore muscles. "Uhm, why you're here," he looked up at Dawson and frowned, "Did something happen?" Casey was surprised to find his brother in law in his office. In general, if Antonio came by, it always used to be something job-related. Rarely did his visits include private stuff, especially since Gabriela's departure.

"I can come back later." Matt's disheveled look hadn't been lost on Antonio, and he knew it wasn't only because he had just woken him up. The detective noticed that Matt looked worse than he did the last time they had seen each other. Back then, Casey had just witnessed a murder and was visibly in shock. Now, he simply looked sick. Dark circles and pale skin made his exhaustion even more visibly. And the fact that the cop had found him sleeping confirmed his suspicion that his brother-in-law was not feeling well at the time.

Casey shook his head and told the other man, "No, no. I'm good. Just a bit tired. It's been a long morning."

"I can see that," Dawson said in a surprisingly stern voice. Casey felt Antonio's eyes watching him intensively, and he could almost feel the disapproval that was radiating from his brother in law.

Silence fell between them until Matt began to fidget nervously to break through the tense atmosphere. "So, I'm sorry, did you already say what's going on, or ..."

Antonio stopped his intense stare and smiled slightly, "Uhm no. I came by to let you know that we have a lead on the shooter who shot Darrell. I thought that's something you wanna know."

Matt looked up at Dawson, "That's great."

He had almost forgotten about that. After everything that had happened since that morning, it wasn't all that surprising. Nonetheless, Matt felt a pang of guilt because on that day, a young man lost his life, and he didn't even bother to ask if they were able to track the killer down.

"I also came to tell you that you stepped into something big there. It turns out; those two gang-bangers are ankle-deep down into some nasty cartel business. Known as G.O.C."

"G.O.C.?" Matt asked. "Never heard of it before."

Antonio nodded, "Short for 'Guerillas of Chicago.' It's a come-together for drug dealers around the City."

"What, like a club or something," Matt asked almost disgusted?

"Yeah! Something like that." Antonio didn't get into any specifics, but told him, "We've always suspected the existence but never could pinpoint any member to it."

"And Darrell was one," Casey summed up.

"No. He actually wasn't, but we dug deeper and found a connection."

"Which is," Casey asked?

Dawson straightened up and looked sternly, "Yeah, well, that's about it what I'm allowed to say. The rest doesn't really concern you. I just wanted to let you know that you did good that day."

"Okay. I guess thanks, then," Matt said but wasn't as pleased with the whole situation as Antonio seemed to be. He also had the feeling that this wasn't the only reason why the Detective had shown up here.

He even got more suspicious as his brother in law didn't leave the room after he delivered the news. Matt stood up from his bed and stepped over to his desk. Dawson's eyes following him this whole time. It made Casey feel like he was under observation, and it made him a bit uneasy, "So, then that's it? Or do you guys need anything more from me?"

Dawson shook his head, "No. All good. You're all set."

Both fell silent once again, but this time it was the Detective who broke it, "How have you been, Casey?"

Matt looked down at his desk and rearranged some of the papers without any plan at all. He needed to keep his hands busy, to extract some of the tension he felt inside. Matt liked Antonio very much. He couldn't have hoped for a better brother in law, but the cop's usual stern demeanor coupled with a slightly aggressive undertone didn't sit well with Casey nowadays.

Maybe his bad feelings towards his soon to be ex-brother in law were linked to the fact that Gabby and he hadn't split up on good terms. Matt thought that perhaps Antonio, deep down, resented him for losing his sister because of him. Matt was good at taking the blame for anything, so it wasn't an uncommon feeling for him. But it didn't make it any less hard to interact with the ones involved in this whole mess.

When Casey didn't answer right away, Dawson continued, "I've meant to call you a few times, actually. To check in on you. You know, just to see how you're doing?"

"I'm good," Matt finally mustered an answer.

The Detective frowned but nodded. "Okay."

Again silence. Neither of them knew what to say next, so the awkwardness between those two grew steady.

After a while, Dawson made a new attempt, "So, everything's fine?"

Matt looked up but avoided direct eye contact. "Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't it be?"

Antonio was a bit taken back by Casey's stoic behavior. He sincerely wanted to know how the other man was doing lately. To be honest, he had been worried about him. He knew that his sister leaving did its toll on Casey. But being a cop, all these years didn't help him with these kinds of encounters, and so he continued a bit harsh, "Don't know. You tell me!"

'There it goes,' Matt thought to himself as Antonio's detective voice was droning through his ears. "I don't know what you're getting at," he tried to deflect.

Dawson huffed, "you don't know?"

"I really don't," Matt lied, even if he had been aware of the scrutinizing stares he got from the other since he had found him standing in his office a few minutes ago.

Antonio didn't take his eyes off of Casey. He tried to get a genuine reaction and he wanted to check how much Casey knew about Gabby's new life. So, he asked point-blank, "You've heard anything from my sister lately?"

His plan seemed to be working because Casey now looked straight at him. This one sentence got his full attention. A hundred thoughts crossed Matt's mind. 'Did Antonio know about the divorce-papers?' or 'Did Gabby talk to her brother about him at all?' Panic rose as he thought, maybe Antonio had been the one suggesting the divorce to her. The Detective went down that road himself. Perhaps he had encouraged Gabby to make that final step.

"From your shocked expression and the lack of answering, I would guess that's a no." Dawson contemplated dry.

Casey didn't deny nor confirmed it, but he asked, "did you?"

"Sure."

It almost hit Matt like a punch in the face, but he tried to play it cool, "Uhm, okay. That's good."

Dawson sensed his astonishment, "What? You thought we wouldn't keep in touch? She's my sister. We talk."

Matt felt absolutely idiotic, "Yeah, no, of course." He stumbled over the words, "I didn't mean to… never mind. I'm just...". He didn't know what to think. He was so caught up in his feelings towards Gabby that he nearly forgot that she had a family here too. He almost felt selfish about it, and he tried to make up for it by apologizing, "Antonio, sorry, man! I really didn't mean to sound so, so ..."

"Surprised," the other helped out.

"I guess that's the word, yeah."

Dawson smiled at him and reassured, "Don't sweat it! It's cool. I get it. But you have to know I'm always going to be close to Gabby. She's my lil sis. That's never gonna change."

Matt bowed his head, guilty, "Of course. And I'm glad you two are so close. It's really important to her. I know she loves you. She really does, and I guess I'm grateful that she's got you as her big brother." He looked up again and met the other man's eyes, "I really appreciate you looking out for her." His eyes turned a tone darker, "I'm very sorry how things have been. You've always helped me out. And I feel like I've let you down somehow."

"What the hell are you talking about, Casey?" Antonio was surprised and kind of worried about Matt's behavior towards him. "You don't have to apologize to me. I'll tell you, I love my sister, but I also know how messed up she can be." And to state his point, "believe me, I know what it's like to share a room with Gabriela Dawson. Not much, you can call your own then."

Casey had to hide a grin at that, but settled for, "I don't know anything about that."

"Relax, brother. She's not here," Antonio joked and immediately regretted it as he recognized the smirk vanished from Matt's face.

Casey simply nodded, not knowing how to behave around Antonio. There had been times where he had received several tastings of Antonio's protective sibling love.

He wanted to ask him if he knew about Gabby's decision to file for divorce, but couldn't muster the strength to do so. To deep was the shame and guilt he experienced.

And once more these two people were wrapped up in silence.

"Listen," Antonio started, "I don't know everything that happened between the two of you, but I wanted to let you know that for me nothing has changed. As far as I'm concerned, you're a friend. And, if you're married to my sister or not, doesn't matter."

Casey looked baffled at him. At least he had his answer about how much the other one knew about his marital status.

"I told you, Gabby's my sister and we talk."

Casey nodded again and tried to muster a smile, "that's good. And I want you to know, that I appreciate what you said. Thank you. But I would totally get it if you'd rather not have any contact with me. She's your sister and I 've let this marriage blow up."

Dawson felt sorry for Matt. He obviously was pinning this mess on himself, regardless of what Gabby's part had been. Sometimes he wondered how his sister always managed to create chaos without any regard for those she supposedly loved.

So, he looked at Matt and pointed at him to get his attention, "First up, I'll let you know that it takes two to mess up a marriage. And second, I love my sister. But sometimes, I don't get it. You know. Sometimes she's just a big riddle to me." Antonio looked at Casey and tried to make him smirk again, "I guess, just like all the women in my life."

Matt wanted to thank him, but suddenly he got some really awkward vibes from this encounter. He never would have guessed that Antonio would take his side. Never in a million years would have he thought that he would be the one being pitied by Detective Dawson. He rather would have expected a bloody nose, and that's why he mumbled, "That doesn't sound right."

Antonio stared back at him puzzled. "What?"

"Something's not right here," Matt repeated a bit louder this time and looked at Dawson.

"What do you mean?" Antonio sensed a shift in their dynamic.

"Don't know, but I know you!" Casey said in a thick voice. "You've almost bit my head off over the whole Louie thing. And now you're cool with me? Even if I'm the reason she's hundreds of kilometers away from you and your family?"

And this time it was Matt's turn to observe the Detective's reaction. Antonio tried to hide his emerging nervousness but couldn't succeed. He knew that he had said too much. He had really good intentions when he came to visit today. He wanted to make sure that Casey was doing all right, he never wanted to make things worse for him.

Casey didn't let go and contemplated, "Don't get me wrong. I know you're a nice guy and everything. But you being nice to me now? I don't think that's you at all."

"Oh, thanks for nothing, I guess." Antonio huffed.

"Come on, Antonio! You know that I'm right. And I don't mean it as an offense. You're her big brother, I get it," and as Matt was speaking, he noticed something, "and you would always protect her. No matter what. Unless there isn't a reason. Unless ..." he stopped and bowed his head. He couldn't bring himself to finish that sentence out loud, but his thoughts were already screaming, 'Unless she's happy!'

Antonio knew what Matt had just discovered all by himself, so he warned him, "Matt, don't complicate things for you!"

"I'm doing nothing," Casey stated. "All I want is to know what's going on here. You obviously know something about Gabby, which I don't. Because that's the only reason you're so cool with that." He made a few steps towards Dawson. His body language shifted from the tired out and defensive guy to a much more alert and demanding one. The Detective was a bit puzzled by the sudden change and wanted to straighten things out before it could get ugly for both of them.

"Brother, I'll give you good advice. I'm telling you to stay away from anything you might think now."

"I want you to tell me what's changed," the Captain demanded once more.

"Listen, Casey, don't do this to yourself." Matt could hear something like an honest concern in Antonio's voice.

"Antonio, please," Matt began. His body almost trembling with fear about the unsaid. "Please, if you know something." And at that moment, Dawson could witness the true vulnerability and desperation which captivated Matthew Casey.

He made a step forward and wanted to put a hand on Matt's shoulder, but the other sidestepped to avoid any contact.

"Okay. Look, Casey, whatever I'm going to tell you, it's not gonna be pretty. You're not gonna like it."

Matt looked sternly at him, "I don't care. I need to know."

Antonio tried once more, "I don't even know much. We've talked a couple of times. Mostly about her work." He wanted to by some time, to let Matt recognize that he was about to make a big mistake by pushing any further.

But the other man was adamant to find out, "please Antonio, don't make me beg."

Dawson sighed, "Okay. Well, she called the other day and…." Antonio stopped. He obviously didn't want to say it, but Casey urged, "and?" His eyes hovering over Antonio's face trying to read his expression.

"And ... she's seeing someone," he finally told the truth.

Casey could have sworn that he had been punched in the gut. He even thought that he had doubled over, but apparently, he seemed to be standing still and tall.

"You okay," he heard a voice ask.

Was he okay? He honestly didn't know.

Of course, he was not okay! How could he be? He just had learned that Gabby had already moved on, while he was still stuck.

"Hey. You're feeling okay?" he heard the voice once again.

How should he feel? Angry, devasted, relieved that it's finally over? How should someone feel, whose last final straw was cut up into pieces so tiny that there's no way it could be glued back together ever again?

Numb. Casey felt numb.

"Hey, you wanna sit down, or something?" he heard the voice getting a bit louder. Of course, it was Dawson talking to him, but Matt needed a few seconds to process.

"I told you to stay away from it," Antonio said. "I knew I shouldn't have told you."

Casey shook his head to gather his thoughts and get a hold of them.

"No, it's okay" Matt finally looked at Dawson. "Thanks, Antonio. I needed to know."

"And what now? You're gonna be okay?" Dawson was starting to worry on a different level now. Casey clearly was shaken by the new, but of course, would never admit to it. He put on his brave face and tried to act as casual as anyone could under that circumstances.

"Don't worry. I'm fine," he faked a smile and said, "at least now I can sign these damn papers. You know. No reason to hang onto anything now."

Dawson sighed, "Casey, I'm really sorry about all that. If it's any consolation, I liked you as my brother in law."

Matt was still in shock but could gather the strength to comment on Dawson's compliment. "Thanks, Antonio. I appreciate that."

"You're welcome," and finally Matt let him put his hand on his shoulder. "If you need anything. Anything at all. You know where to find me. You'll always have a friend at the 21st District."

Matt nodded and let out a shuddered breath, "Guess that's it then."

Antonio padded his shoulder, "You're gonna be fine. I know what it's like. Me and Laura," and he paused, "it's tough, man, I know. I'm still thinking about her and our time together. It wasn't an easy break-up. But I guess none are."

Casey huffed, "probably not."

Antonio looked at Matt once more. He seemed calm and fine. Maybe the truth was what he had needed. Maybe now, that he knew that Gabby had moved on, Casey could finally close that chapter and do the same.

"You'll see it will take some time, but you're gonna get over it."

Matt just nodded, "I guess you're right. It wasn't meant to be. I hope she's happy. That's all I ever wanted."

Antonio sighed, "I know, man. And I always liked that about you. You were good for her. I could tell."

"Yeah, until I wasn't," Matt sighed, and he casually played with the papers strewn out in front of him on his desk. His eyes lingered for a moment on his and Gabby's wedding picture standing there silently, mocking him. He tried to ignore it and asked Antonio, "you know the new guy?"

Antonio sighed and shook his head, "not really. And even if I knew anything about him, you'd probably be the last one I'd tell."

Casey shot him a look but smirked, "what? You think I'll snap. Turn into some kind of lunatic. Chase him down in Puerto Rico."

"I've seen sane people do a lot of stupid stuff," Antonio contemplated and asked once more as if he wanted to be absolutely sure. "So, whatever. But you're good?"

"I guess," Casey answered and reached his hand out, "thanks for stopping by. And for letting me know about Darrell's killer," he smiled at Antonio, "and about the other stuff. I know you didn't want to. So, thanks. I appreciate it."

"No problem, bro," Dawson said while shaking the other man's hand while checking for the last time "So, you're sure you're going to be okay, or should I be worried about you?" Antonio made it sound casual, but he was honest about it.

"Nah, you know me. I'll bounce right back."

"Yeah, right. Into the next catastrophe," the Detective joked.

Casey smiled, "not intentionally."

Antonio patted Matt's shoulder once more and told him. "Be safe out there."

Casey just nodded then added a 'you too'.

After Antonio had gone Casey looked at his desk, a forlorn expression on his face. He tried to take the news in, to make something out of it. Was there even anything he could do with this information? Did it even matter at that point? He already had known that his marriage was over. Maybe it was time to sign the papers and to let go of the past. Gabby undoubtedly had reached that point.

With that thought, Casey let out a big huff, grabbed the wedding picture and threw it with as much anger he could channel across the room. It smacked on the window opposite the desk with a loud thud and slid down behind the headboard of Casey's bed. A crackling sound followed as the glass from the window chapped. Casey could hear a muffled, "What the hell," from the other room. He himself lowered his head and mumbled a silent "damn". When he looked up again, he could see Kelly standing outside his office, right behind the damaged window. A shocked look on his face. His eyes focusing on the little hole probably caused by one of the edges from the picture frame.

Casey closed his eyes and begged for the bells to go off.


	39. Chapter 39

_Sorry again, for a long wait, but here's the next Chapter._

 _And please be reminded, Casey just has learned that his Love has moved on without him. So please, cut him some slack, and if you feel up to it give him a hug as well. He needs it._

* * *

Chapter XXXIX

Almost everyone from Truck and Squad was assembled in the bunker-room. Every eye glued to the big crack and small hole in the Captain's office window.

"Maybe if we put a plant in front of it, no one will notice," Herrmann mused while scratching his head.

Otis chuckled, "Yeah, sure. We turn this bunk room into a Palm house. I bet there are many fire stations known as the 'secret garden's edition'."

"Or we can take the whole glass out and put one of these giant fish-tanks in," Capp suggested. "Like the ones on 'Tanked'".

"Oh, that's actually a great idea!" Mouch chipped in with enthusiasm.

Herrmann seemed stunned and huffed, "What? And who's gonna clean that thing?"

Cruz smirked, "Sounds like a truck-job to me."

Herrmann glared at him, "You Squad-guys are the laziest bunch of people I've ever met." Then he turned to Joe, "And you! You've been on truck. One of us. Shame on you. Cleaning a fish tank has to be a whole-house activity. Do you have any idea how much work goes into these kinds of things? With all the mud and seaweed." The Truck-Lieutenant now seemed upset and invested in the topic, which was not even an issue.

"I don't know, Herrmann, but I do happen to know that in fact, fish have some sort of calming values," Mouch said just to annoy his old pal, who was known to be a bit of a hothead.

"Guys, guys," Severide stepped in, "Stop it! We do nothing of that. Instead, we take the damn broken window out and put a new one back in. Simple as that."

"Not so fast, Lieutenant," Herrmann mused as he continued, "Looks like, Mouch has a good point." And he shot an emphasizing look at the wall in front of them, then he added, "We actually could use some sort of relaxing aid here." To confirm his statement, he pointed with a subtle nod in the direction of Casey, who stood farther away.

Like this, the so-called elephant in the room was addressed.

Because, naturally, everyone here knew that the window hadn't burst on its own. And after all, it was Casey's office and paired with his recent tendencies for outbursts, he was considered the prime suspect.

Severide wasn't amused by this subliminal accusation towards the Captain and grumbled, "Watch it, Herrmann!" Even though he had the same suspicion.

That's why he finally turned to Casey, who was leaning in on his office doorframe. He had his head bowed and was ruffling his hair, looking guilty. Until now he hadn't said anything nor looked at any other member, but he reacted as Severide asked, "What the hell happened, Casey?"

Matt was about to say something as he saw the Chief entering the bunk-area.

Boden's eyes observed the gathering. "What's all this?" he asked as he stepped further. His men parted and made room for him to see. He paused as he discovered the damaged Window and mumbled, " For crying out loud!"

"Hey, Chief," Herrmann greeted. "We've got something of a situation here."

"I can see that." He let out a silent big breath, "What happened?"

When nobody answered immediately, he asked again, "So, who did this?"

One-half of the men were staring at the floor, the other looking elsewhere around the room, but no one said anything.

"Guess, I must've missed an earthquake then," the Chief said with sarcasm. He looked sharply at Casey as he passed him while entering the Captain's office. Casey sighed and straightened up, "It was my fault, Chief!"

Boden watched him and sternly said, "go on."

"And I'm very sorry," Casey added. From the looks of it, his Chief wasn't pleased with this short statement, so Matt continued, "And I'll take care of it."

"Yeah, I don't think so." Boden's voice sounded rough. He stepped further in front of the window. His eyes were observing the hole. Then he looked down at the floor, and with a loud squeak, he pushed Casey's bed a few inches from the wall. His eyes glued to the floor, he ordered, "Herrmann, get your men to clean up this mess!"

Casey made one step forward and interjected, "Chief, that's not necessary. I can do that after shift. The guys had nothing to do..." but he was cut off by his boss.

"Truck's going to do it," Boden said in a clear voice and added an extra sternly, "this shift." He gave Casey an unmistakable look and continued in a softer tone, "before it shatters completely, and someone gets hurt."

Obviously, he wasn't in the mood for any negotiations on that matter. Then he bent down and lifted the item, which had caused all of this, off of the ground. Casey's features hardened. His jaws clenched as he saw Boden holding the wedding picture. In an instant, he knew that his boss had figured out what had happened. Maybe that circumstance was at fault for what was supposed to happen next.

Because when Herrmann threw his hands in the air and began to grunt orders to his team, "Guys, you've heard the Chief! Let's do this," Casey decided to go against his Chief's wishes.

"No! Herrmann. Wait!" Matt's loud voice stopped everyone in tracks, "I said I'd handle it."

"Excuse me?" Boden looked puzzled at his subordinate, "I thought I made myself clear."

Herrmann and the others looked silently back and forth between the two men.

Casey gulped visibly but remained true to his cause, "Chief, all due respect. But this was my fault, and I'm the one who's going to fix it. No one else, but I."

Boden closed his eyes for a split second before he managed to look at his Captain again, "And I said Truck's going to do it."

Casey could feel anger slightly rising inside of him. He knew it hadn't necessarily something to do with the Chief. It was the overall situation that completely overpowered him and left him with the feeling of being driven into a corner, which caused him to raise his voice a notch, "This is my office. My Window. My fault. I'm responsible. And I'm the one fixing it."

Boden looked at his lightly flushed Captain but didn't say a word. He was a Chief, not a psychologist, but even he understood that there was more to that story than a broken window in someone's office. It was about Casey calling the shots and for him to overcome his latest failures, and of course, Boden wanted to do him right. These last weeks the Chief had tried hard to be supportive in any way he could because he knew what his Captain was going thru.

But it was almost unbearable for Boden to let disobedience be part of his leadership. He knew he had to keep his cool, though, for the sake of House 51. So, he just stood there glaring at the man he usually had great respect for.

Severide finally stepped forward and walked over to Casey, "Uhm, bud, I think it's best if you wouldn't try doing that right now."

Kelly also got the impression that Matt was using this situation to state a point but wasn't so sure it was wise to do it in front of all the other members from the house.

Casey shot a glance at him, "What? I'm not doing anything." And he got ready to approach the window.

"Listen, Casey. I know you wanna make it right, but all you're doing just now is making it worse," Severide whispered as he stepped in front of him. He lightly put a hand on his chest to stop him from walking any further. Matt looked at his friend and then at his boss. "What?" His voice sounded almost obstinately and pouting. Severide and everyone around could feel the tension rising.

Severide got worried as he looked at Boden, who rarely lost his temper, but everyone knew if he did, it was wise not to push. He was a very kind Chief, and he knew how to handle stressful situations, but he also was a proud leader, and sometimes, if triggered even, he could lose his patience.

Casey naturally realized he was pushing the other man by disobeying his order. And it didn't help that every pair of eyes was now focused on him. He could back down and clear the field for the Truck Company, or he could stand his ground and start a fight with his boss.

Severide, for his part, apparently thought that the first of the two options would be the wiser one because he tried to shove Matt out of his office. "Come on, buddy, let's go for a walk."

But Casey opted for the first because he stood firm and did not move an inch. He glared at his friend and warned him. "Let go."

Severide took a step back and soothed his friend by taking his hands off him, holding them up. "Okay. I let go, but you should try to calm down. Chief's just trying to do you a favor."

Casey looked at Severide and stated, "I don't need any."

Kelly rolled his eyes and huffed, "Maybe not. But it couldn't hurt to accept help every now and then. Don't you think?"

Matt was to aggravate to actually hear and understand what his friend tried to make him see, so his reaction was to cut him out, "This doesn't concern you, Kelly."

"Okay, maybe you're right. But don't expect me to understand what you're doing right now. Because buddy, I really don't." And with that, Severide turned to his boss, shrugging helplessly, to let the other know that he was at the end of his wits.

Boden silently nodded at his Squad-Lieutenant. His features were displaying gratefulness for trying.

Casey, of course, took it as an offense, "What's this? Team Boden/Severide against Casey? Seems to be a thing around here nowadays."

Boden's demeanor suddenly changed. Some might find that he almost looked sad, if not hurt. His facial expression turned softer, and his eyes lingered on the picture he still held in his hand. Severide, on the other side, frowned at Matt and almost sounded pissed, "You're really out of line."

Casey shot him a glare. "Am I? You two are constantly on my case."

"So that's what I was doing the last two weeks? Funny, I thought I was helping a friend."

Casey wasn't going to back down, "Noone asked you to, Kelly."

Severide smirked, but his eyes narrowed, and in a more than rough tone, he hissed, "No, of course not! God forbid, Matthew Casey, asking for help."

Both firefighters were staring at each other, but before either one of them could say another word, their Chief stepped in.

He looked at both his men and said, with frustration in his eyes, "Enough! This isn't the right time nor the right place." Finally, he made a step towards Matt. He met Casey's eyes for a second.

Both men tried to hide their feelings of pride to remain as professional as possible, but the entire group was aware of how close they had just come to witness a disaster. A disaster in the form of a major blow-up which had been started by an argument over a broken window between the two officers leading this house.

The Chief held the picture up for Casey to grab it and told him in a calm yet stern voice, "I expect a new window in there by the start of next shift. Not an hour later. Am I clear?"

Casey frowned, but his posture relaxed a little, if not completely. He grabbed the photo and nodded, "Copy that, Chief."

Then Boden's gaze turned to the others, who stood there as if petrified. "Show is over," Boden stated like he always did when they were on scene with lots of bystanders. Herrmann backed him up by adding, "Okay Guys. You've heard the Chief. Shift's not over yet! Back to work!" With that, everyone scrambled back to their tasks or at least out of the Chief's and Casey's way.

Boden, still standing beside a now subdued Casey, said without any eye-contact, "If you're ready to talk about what just has happened, you know where to find me."

Casey closed his eyes and let his head bow. He let out a big breath and with an almost breaking voice, he started, "Chief, I ..."

"No," interrupted Boden, still not looking at his Captain, "Not yet."

With that, the Battalion Chief stepped outside the office and with a heavy heart, he retrieved back to his quarters.

This meant that Casey and Severide were the only ones who stayed behind and Matt knew that Kelly wasn't going to spare his feelings now.


	40. Chapter 40

_Hi guys! The next chapter is up, and it's Severide and Casey, talking serious stuff._

 _Thanks for reading and for reviewing (if that's something you do). I appreciate every one of them._

* * *

Chapter XXXX

"Are you out of your mind," Severide asked as they were finally alone.

"Severide." Casey tried to stop the conversation before it had even begun.

"No, Casey." Kelly wasn't going to spare Matt. He stepped in front of him and asked, "Are you seriously that dumb?"

Matt straightened up and let out a breath he'd kept inside, "Look, I don't expect you to understand."

Severide cut him off, "Understand? No, man, seriously, I think no one can understand what just happened."

"I don't have time for this," Matt tried once more to end the conversation. He stepped over to his desk and put the picture frame face-down on the table.

Severide observed him. He noticed his stiff back and his all-around defensive demeanor but wouldn't let him have his way, "Yeah, well, I don't care, Casey!" Then he huffed. "You've really do know how to mess things up."

Matt frowned at that and tensed up even more. He secretly knew that Kelly was right. He had messed up, once again. But instead of admitting his mistake he turned around and looked pissed at Kelly as he asked, "What is it, you want from me? All I wanted was to take care of that damn window."

Severide looked puzzled at his friend and stated the obvious, "no kidding! I think we've all got that! The question is, why?"

Casey didn't respond, but it didn't matter anyway, because Severide wasn't really interested. What the Squad-Lieutenant actually wanted to know was how messed up his friend really was. "What the hell is going on with you? You trying to get fired?"

Casey winced inwardly at that statement but managed to hide his fear. "I already told you. It's MY damn window. Boden should have accepted that from the start. Instead, he starts this dumb pissing-contest."

Severide shook his head, "He? That's your angle? That Boden started this? Oh boy. You're more delusional than I thought."

Casey threw his hands in the air and huffed, "So, now I'm delusional?"

"Looks like it, from where I'm standing," Kelly simply retorted.

"Then I guess we can stop this right now," Matt pouted and accused his friend. "Looks like you've already made up your mind."

"No. I've actually not." Kelly said and added, "and you know why? Because I don't have to."

Matt looked at him and shook his head, "And I guess you're going to tell me why that is."

Severide stood tall and began to reveal what was on his mind.

"I know you well enough that whatever that was ...," Severide paused for a second, "I know that that wasn't you."

Matt frowned but didn't say anything, so Kelly explained, "at least not the Matthew Casey, I knew back at the academy. You were the one who always would grill Andy and me about following orders."

Casey let out a small huff. It sounded pressed and almost painful. Kelly knew he tackled a heartbreaking topic for both of them, by bringing their old friend in the mix. "Andy and me we've been the ones getting into trouble all the time and you've been the one setting us straight."

Matt shook his head in disbelieve, "I don't know what you're talking about."

But Kelly was right. It had been exactly like that. Matt Casey had been the one who was adamant to play by the rules. He needed them. Because his life had been so out of control after his father's murder that he finally could appreciate something like a stable home. After acting out for the majority of the time, after the tragedy of his family took place, he found comfort in the rules and guidelines the CFD Academy provided for them. Andy and Kelly sometimes even made fun of him and called him an eager beaver. And that's why Kelly was so confused about his friend's new behavior.

"I don't buy it. I think you know exactly what I'm talking about. And Andy would totally back me up on this if he were here."

Matt winced inaudibly at hearing Andy's name twice in such a short time. Kelly almost felt guilty for using their dead friend, just to get Casey's attention, but he hoped he could get through to him. "I'm also positive that you know that Boden didn't start this pissing-contest. The question is, why on earth, you try so hard to wrack things for yourself?"

Casey heard what Kelly was saying, and again he had to hide his pained expression. It was hard listening to those words coming out of his best friend's mouth. He knew that Kelly was right to some extent. He really did mess up his relationship with his boss. Although not exactly wanted, but effective.

Severide waited for Casey to tell him that he should go to hell. All the more surprised was he, when he heard a very thin, "I don't know," from his friend.

At first, Severide didn't know how to react to Matt's response. He had expected another outburst of rage, and instead, he now faced a small-mouthed and somewhat desperate Casey.

"Uhm, okay. Well, I think we can talk about it and try to figure it out. Don't you think?"

Matt shook his head and walked over to his bed, and with a heavy sigh, he sat down. He covered his face with his hands, and Severide could see a slight shiver passing through his body. Kelly watched him silently, then he made a few steps to the office door and slowly closed it to get them both some privacy, even if no one was standing outside, and he doubted that anyone would enter the bunk-are any time soon. Too awkward had it been in here a few minutes ago.

Matt could feel the bed shifting under Kelly's weight, followed by the arm around his shoulder.

"I don't know what to do, Kelly," he shyly admitted.

The honest statement from Casey made Severide shudder. Objectively, he should have been glad about this turn, because, for the first time since the night after the diner-incident, Matt showed that he was willing to talk. But at the same time, it also scared Kelly as much as it had scared him back then. Again, he did not feel up to it. He felt anxious about not finding the right words. Apprehensive of giving bad advice to a friend, who finally was seeking help. Was he even authorized to give council?

Kelly himself had messed up more times than he liked to admit. Mostly for the same reasons as Matt. Out of false pride, and to hide his pain.

"How about, we start from the beginning," Severide finally suggested. "How come your window has a hole of the size of Capp's balls in it."

Matt chuckled slightly at the comparison but otherwise shrugged.

"Okay," Severide stated, "I know you didn't practice your golf play in here, so what happened? "

"I snapped," Matt simply told him.

"You snapped? That's fair to say. I get that, but what made you do it?"

Matt sighed and broke away from Kelly's slight hug. "It's dumb, really. I shouldn't have let it get to me, but I couldn't help it. I was so angry. I don't know. I've messed up!" Matt told what was going on. It sounded disconnected and out of order but Severide was glad that he finally had managed to get the other one talking. "Okay. I can't follow but I think you should go on."

Matt looked lost and went on with what he thought was important, „And now Boden hates me, and everyone at 51 thinks I'm a lunatic who's trying to get into a fist-fight with my boss."

Severide took in a deep breath. He didn't want Matt to think he changed his opinion on the severity of the disaster he had gotten himself into, but he also wanted him to feel comfortable enough to go on. So, he told him casually, "Sounds like a bad day at the office. We've all had them."

"And the worst part," Matt sighed and continued, "The worst part is, that my best friend must think I'm an ungrateful piece of shit." He bowed his head and didn't dare to look at Severide. To say that Kelly was baffled at that would have been an understatement, but he played it cool, "I don't know about the 'piece of shit' part. But I guess your friend's a superb human being and capable of forgiveness. Not to say, extremely well-behaved."

"I'm really sorry, Kelly. I didn't mean to spin out, but ..." Matt's tone became almost mournful, causing Severide to approach it more seriously, "Hey, buddy, it's alright." But he felt the tension in him and so he slightly joked, "You know me. I rarely listen to what you say anyway."

"How did this happen?" Casey almost let out a small scream as he let himself fall forward, putting his head between his hands he sighed again, "Oh God! What I'm supposed to do now?"

Severide looked worried at his troubled friend, "Hey, Casey. We'll figure it out. Don't worry. Boden's not someone who's holding a grudge for long. He'll understand, eventually. As long as you're honest with him, he'll come around. You just have to tell him what happened and go from there."

"I really don't know what happened. I don't know why I freaked." Casey looked at the window and huffed, "I got so angry, and I know I reached for the picture and." He stopped and finally looked at Severide.

"What happened, Matt?" Kelly asked. He knew that Casey had thrown the wedding-picture. There had never been any doubt about that matter; what he wanted to know was why he had done it.

"Antonio was here," Matt said.

"And?" Kelly asked.

"I don't know. He came here to let me know that they have a lead on the shooter who shot Darrell."

"And that's what caused you to flip?" Kelly wasn't buying it, and after a pause, he asked, "What did he say that made you throw the picture?"

Matt could see the confusion on Kelly's face. He knew he had to tell the whole story to make him understand why he'd freaked out. The fact that Antonio updated him about the murder case wasn't a good reason for the hole in his window, let alone for the beef he started with Boden afterward.

So, he took a deep breath and opted for the truth, "She's seeing someone."

Severide's look changed from confusion to knowledge, "Gabby?"

Matt bowed his head and nodded.

"And you got angry," he stated with a slight smirk on his face. "That's great."

Matt looked at him, baffled, "What?"

Severide tried to clarify, "I mean, obviously not the part where she's seeing someone." Matt still didn't get what his friend was trying to tell him. Kelly looked at his frowning talk-partner and stated, "But the part where you got angry, actually is." He smiled at Matt and nudged him in his side, "That's huge, Casey! Finally, you're mad at her. I've been waiting for you to get angry at her for months now. Finally, you've managed it. Maybe you're human, after all."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Casey couldn't wrap his head around how Severide was acting. He underlined his confusion by stating, "I smashed CFD property. And you congratulate me on it?"

"Yeah, okay. You could have done better on how to get rid of the anger. Smashing that window wasn't the best choice, I guess. But I'm just glad this time it wasn't your hand. And hey, if it helps you to deal with your feelings, then I say, go get a Halligan, and we 'decorate' this damn place new."

Both men looked at each other and began to smirk slightly.

"Oddly, enough, that sounds kind of tempting," Matt chuckled. "But I guess I'm already maxed out on 'accidentally ruined CFD property'."

"Ah, what the heck, I could loan you my fair share. Pretty sure I don't have any black mark regarding that matter."

Matt smiled at Kelly, "Uhm. Thanks, but I'm pretty sure there isn't really any share, because I'm pretty sure CFD doesn't allow employees to destroy any property in this house on purpose."

"Good point," Kelly nodded. "So, what're you going to do now?"

Matt looked at the broken glass in his wall and said, "Guess, I'll call CFD and let them know that my office needs a new window."

"Sounds like a plan," Severide said before he tried gingerly to address another topic, "And what about the Chief?"

"Honestly," Casey started, "I don't know."

"I mean, you're going to talk to him, don't you?" Severide sounded a bit worried. He was fed up with the two of them constantly arguing these days.

"Kelly, I don't know."

"What do you mean with you don't know?" Severide asked a bit shocked, "You know you have to talk to him. And not only because he practically ordered you to, but because you know that the two of you have to figure out how you wanna work together."

Matt stood up and made his way over to his desk. He let himself fall on his chair and sighed, "I know. What I don't know is how."

"Casey, you've talked to the man a million times. Boden chewed us both out more than once. And you know that it never sticks. There's still great work-dynamic."

Matt wasn't so convinced, "I don't know, Kelly. Boden and I aren't on the same page these days. And you know it."

"I get it. You're frustrated that he took your truck away from you. Believe me, I've been there. I also doubted him when it had been me."

Matt shook his head and said, "That was different. Boden hadn't been the one taking Squad from you. It was pure political madness."

Kelly shrugged, "Whatever it was, it went by. But it wasn't an easy time."

"You've managed and you did good," Casey acknowledged. "You were surprisingly calm about it, to be honest."

"I've kept my cool as you advised me to," Kelly smiled at Matt. "And I played by the rules, also like you suggested, and eventually I got my bugles back."

Matt nodded and mused, "and you're implying I should do the same now. Keep my cool and wait until Boden finds me fit again to give me back my command?"

Kelly looked pleased. "Pretty much. And it can't hurt to talk to him. Tell him your side of the story. Maybe apologize for some things."

Matt took in a deep breath. Kelly recognized that the last sentence wasn't what his friend had in his mind, "I don't say you're at fault entirely, but you can't keep undermining his authority like that. After all, he's the Chief. Like it or not."

Matt ruffled his hair as he tried to find his next words, "It's not just that. It's this whole damn situation. He doesn't trust me. I can feel it. He thinks I'm a liability."

Severide stopped him by clearing things up, "No, Casey. Boden trusts you. He's just worried."

"He shouldn't be," Matt said, without realizing that he managed to phrase an important statement himself.

But Kelly did acknowledge it, "Exactly. We shouldn't."

Matt sighed as he noticed that Kelly talked about himself as well. He didn't know what to say, so he waited for Severide to go on.

"Casey, you've put yourself in danger more than once in these last few months. And you're aware, that not every time it was called for. Hell, Boden and I had to fill out more accidents-reports lately with your name on it than in the past ten years together."

Matt still kept silent, even if he badly wanted to deny what he was accused of. The little voice in his head screamed at him that he should defend himself, that he had a good reason for every time he had taken a risk. But he swallowed it and let Kelly say what was on his mind.

"We are worried. I think I'm currently more worried about you doing something stupid like getting fired, apparently. But Boden's worried about you risking your life for nothing. That's why he put Herrmann in charge. He wants to have someone in his corner. Someone who's looking out for you. Someone who's able to stop you, if you decide to go all Superman again, and get shot in the process. You've pushed your luck a few times too many already."

Finally, Severide stopped and looked at Casey, who asked him, "You done?"

"I can go on and talk about your bad decisions you keep making in your spare time, but I doubt that would help you understand the Chief's motives better," Severide stated dryly.

Matt shook his head but didn't say a word. He literally had to bit his tongue, though.

"Hey, man! I know this isn't easy," Severide said as he recognized Casey's stoic demeanor. "And I even get that you don't agree with me, or Boden or even with Will Halstead. I get that you think we're trying to, ... how did you call it?" he paused for a second, "Being on your case constantly?" Matt rolled his eyes as he listened to Kelly. "Yeah, well! Newsflash for you. We do it because we care about you. You're just too stupid to accept any help."

"You're done now?" Matt asked almost unfazed as if he hadn't listened at all. But he had heard every word, and he understood what Kelly was trying to accomplish. He was aware of the worried looks he got from everyone these days; he just didn't know how to handle them.

Severide looked at him and frowned. He couldn't read him and it drove him crazy, "Are you going to say something at all, or are you just sitting here, looking like a spoiled angry teenage-boy who gets lectured by his elder brother."

Matt stood up from his seat and looked at Severide. Eventually, he managed to talk, "What is it you want me to say? That I'm a nut-case who should check himself in? I don't know what you're so worried about."

Severide sighed and shook his head, "Casey. No one thinks you're a nut-case."

"Yeah, well, but it sounded a lot like it, in your little speech there," Matt pouted.

"Oh, come on, you know exactly what I was trying to tell you. Don't play the dumb card on me now."

"Might as well hear it from you," Matt challenged. He wanted to know Kelly's real thoughts about him.

"Okay. I'll tell you what I think is going on." Severide stood up as well.

"Ready to hear it," Matt said and managed to hold eye-contact with Severide.

"I think you're severely depressed, and I wish you would see it and get yourself help."

What followed was a small staring-contest between the two of them. Severide could already feel the weight being lifted from his shoulders. He hadn't realized how much it had burdened him to keep his suspicion under wrap this whole time.

Matt didn't exactly feel the same relieve as his counterpart did. But he wasn't as shocked about Kelly's statement as he thought he would be. It even didn't bother him that much. He felt weird, almost confident as he finally spoke, "Funny. You and Boden. It's like you two are one of the same." Matt smirked a bit, and it looked totally out of place. "Don't tell me you've got an old shrink-buddy as well, cause that would really freak me out!"

Severide smirked back, "No. And you can try and make a joke out of it all you want, but I'll stand by what I said."

Matt's look hardened a bit, "I'm not depressed. And I don't need any help."

"Okay," Severide shrugged. "Call it sad, desperate, traumatized. Whatever, I guess it doesn't matter how you wanna address it, but the fact is, you're not all right."

Matt got pissed a bit by Kelly's attitude now, "and I definitely don't need someone who tells me how I should or shouldn't feel. Especially if that someone isn't really known for his healthy ways of dealing with problems himself."

Kelly knew Matt tried to start a fight once again, just to end the conversation. But this time, he didn't take the bait and had no intention of letting Matt get off the hook. "Maybe you're right about that one. I'm not exactly the best person to go to for getting advice, I know that."

"Then stop trying, to make me question myself."

Matt took a different approach to end this conversation. Lashing out hadn't stopped Kelly, so the Captain tried to play into his guilty conscience. "Stop trying to make me feel like I'm crazy or something."

"I'll tell you a hundredth time: I don't think you're crazy. But I know that you're having a hard time and that you're struggling with everything that has happened recently."

Matt was getting nervous. Kelly could tell by the way his hand was tapping lightly on his thigh, and his eyes almost turned glassy. He knew now was the opportunity to get through to him. He stood in front of his vulnerable friend and wasn't going to spare him.

"Truth is you should ask yourself what you're going to do about it. Because clearly, it's affecting your work."

By that, Matt couldn't hold the stare anymore. He had to lower his eyes. The shame he felt at that moment was too great. Severide caught it and almost felt bad about pushing, "and I know you, Casey. That's when it begins to bother you. Because being a firefighter is all you have. It's all you want, and you know why I know that?"

He paused and hoped Casey would look at him. But the other stayed with his head held high, but his eyes still gazing the floor. Severide put a hand on his shoulder and finally said, "Because you're like me."


End file.
